NFP Struggles

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docprechop

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I have been married for twenty years. My wife and I have practiced NFP for the past 13 years. I have two issues that I would love some feedback on.
  1. I have spent years studying and fully understand church teaching on this issue. My wife on the other hand, has been willing to go along with NFP but has never fully understood the reasons for NFP. I have tried many times to share with her info to help expand her understanding and she has read and studied for me but has never fully accepted the church teaching. It is very difficult to manage this when your spouse is in a different place on NFP than you are!
  2. The practical problem - My wife peaks in her sexual interest at the exact time we need to abstain. During the “free time” she is typically exhausted and is never in the mood to participate fully. She participates but never fully, it is almost done out of guilt for me. How do I get around this? Hormonally, she only is truly interested in the marital sexual act only at the time that we need to abstain.
We adore each other, but I have to admit even after all these years this continues to put a strain on our marriage. I would love some fresh insight on this.
 
I only have time for two quick thoughts, but the fact that they’re quick doesn’t mean that I’m not sympathetic.
  1. Since your wife is willing to go along with you on using NFP (I assume instead of contraception), does it really matter that she “get it” at the same level that you do? Or does “willing to go along” mean “I’ll do it, but I don’t like it, and I’m going to keep telling you so”?
  2. Maybe it would be time to revisit whether you need to avoid or not right now? One of the things that is good (although frustrating) about NFP is that you discern month to month, and the method inclines you to be generous with family size. There’s a reason your wife is more fertile when her desire is highest. You didn’t talk about your reasons for avoiding, and you don’t need to detail them for random Internet strangers scrutiny, but maybe those reasons should be revisited. 🙂
God bless you!
 
docprechop said:

“During the “free time” she is typically exhausted and is never in the mood to participate fully.”

You can definitely work on the exhaustion–make sure she has more help during that time of the month, retire to bed earlier and see what happens, etc. This may be as simple as you guys are going to bed too late or not spending enough non-sex couple time together.

Pensmama87 said:

“Maybe it would be time to revisit whether you need to avoid or not right now?”

Normally, that might be a good idea, but given that docprechop’s wife’s main issue is exhaustion, adding another pregnancy and baby to the picture sounds counterproductive.
 
Women are biologically programmed to desire intimacy during their fertile period. That is how God created us. Hormonal birth control often reduces a woman’s desire even more because it prevents the fertile time. It does not surprise me that your wife feels like she does, and I don’t know of any way to change the way God hardwired us. It is the way He helps us live out His command to be fruitful and multiply.

I’m not sure it’s important that she “gets it,” as long as she is going along with it. Millions of Catholics don’t “get” the teaching on NFP. The majority do not follow the teaching either. Your wife is way above any of them on that so I think that is admirable. It is a lot of work for the woman to track cycles and chart and take temps and check mucus, etc. For someone not interested in using NFP she is doing a great job by just going along with you for 13 long years. Are you positive you need to keep avoiding? If not, try being less conservative in your method. You might find that your wife is more comfortable with intimacy closer to ovulation, but still on “lower risk” days. If it is absolutely necessary to keep avoiding, I am not sure how I can help you.

Or are you asking because your wife would like to conceive another child and therefore is no longer interested in following NFP while you still want to avoid? If that is the case, then I highly recommend you consider why after 13 years you still feel the need to avoid.
 
Women are biologically programmed to desire intimacy during their fertile period. That is how God created us. Hormonal birth control often reduces a woman’s desire even more because it prevents the fertile time. It does not surprise me that your wife feels like she does, and I don’t know of any way to change the way God hardwired us. It is the way He helps us live out His command to be fruitful and multiply.

I’m not sure it’s important that she “gets it,” as long as she is going along with it. Millions of Catholics don’t “get” the teaching on NFP. The majority do not follow the teaching either. Your wife is way above any of them on that so I think that is admirable. It is a lot of work for the woman to track cycles and chart and take temps and check mucus, etc. For someone not interested in using NFP she is doing a great job by just going along with you for 13 long years. Are you positive you need to keep avoiding? If not, try being less conservative in your method. You might find that your wife is more comfortable with intimacy closer to ovulation, but still on “lower risk” days. If it is absolutely necessary to keep avoiding, I am not sure how I can help you.

Or are you asking because your wife would like to conceive another child and therefore is no longer interested in following NFP while you still want to avoid? If that is the case, then I highly recommend you consider why after 13 years you still feel the need to avoid.
 
docprechop said:
I have been married for twenty years. My wife and I have practiced NFP for the past 13 years. I have two issues that I would love some feedback on.
  1. I have spent years studying and fully understand church teaching on this issue. My wife on the other hand, has been willing to go along with NFP but has never fully understood the reasons for NFP. I have tried many times to share with her info to help expand her understanding and she has read and studied for me but has never fully accepted the church teaching. It is very difficult to manage this when your spouse is in a different place on NFP than you are!
  2. The practical problem - My wife peaks in her sexual interest at the exact time we need to abstain. During the “free time” she is typically exhausted and is never in the mood to participate fully. She participates but never fully, it is almost done out of guilt for me. How do I get around this? Hormonally, she only is truly interested in the marital sexual act only at the time that we need to abstain.
We adore each other, but I have to admit even after all these years this continues to put a strain on our marriage. I would love some fresh insight on this.
Click to expand...
  1. LOL. No one understands NFP. That you say you do, only discredits you.😃
  2. Yes, this was a problem for us as well. In fact sometimes I felt bad that we were actually even having sex if she was not into it as much. This is one of the deciding factors in our decision to abandon NFP altogether. We wanted a sex life that was less stressful and less resentful.
    For us it was an option because we really had no reason to use nfp anymore and it got to the point that another child would be less stress than a life of ladycomps, charts, and graphs, and signs. Of asking, if we were ok to act like husband and wife.🤷
I assume your reasons to abstain are not as forgiving. And to that, one of the only things I can say is that you need to take it to the cross so to speak. Sacrifice for your wife so that you do not damage her or your marriage with another child.
 
Monicad said:
So you see there is deep meaning there, even when it might feel like there is not. I would encourage you to see that your wife loves you and that there is deep meaning behind her gift of commitment to NFP. Try and focus on what you have, because you really have a lot! Hope this helps a little, God bless you and thank you for sharing.
Click to expand...
That is a wonderful way to look at it.
 
docprechop said:
I have been married for twenty years. My wife and I have practiced NFP for the past 13 years. I have two issues that I would love some feedback on.
  1. I have spent years studying and fully understand church teaching on this issue. My wife on the other hand, has been willing to go along with NFP but has never fully understood the reasons for NFP. I have tried many times to share with her info to help expand her understanding and she has read and studied for me but has never fully accepted the church teaching. It is very difficult to manage this when your spouse is in a different place on NFP than you are!
Click to expand...
I’m not sure that it matters where you are with NFP. Unless you plan of having deep theological discussions about it, does it really matter if she doesn’t fully understand it?
  1. The practical problem - My wife peaks in her sexual interest at the exact time we need to abstain. During the “free time” she is typically exhausted and is never in the mood to participate fully. She participates but never fully, it is almost done out of guilt for me. How do I get around this? Hormonally, she only is truly interested in the marital sexual act only at the time that we need to abstain.
Click to expand...
Yep. All of us women using NFP have the same problem. It is pretty awful.

Some people will tell you that it is her body telling you that she is ready for another baby, and maybe, just maybe you need to reevaluate your reasons for using NFP.

That could be true. But since you have been using it for 13 years, I would hope that you have fully evaluated your reasons. 🤷
We adore each other, but I have to admit even after all these years this continues to put a strain on our marriage. I would love some fresh insight on this.
Click to expand...
You both need to talk about this. It is easy sometimes for women to not worry about sex when she isn’t interested. Sometimes, I have to make myself interested. It simply isn’t fair to the man I love to say, “heck, doesn’t matter to me if we have sex.” 🤷
 
I thank you for all of your comments, they were very helpful. Much to think about, Peace of Christ to all of you…
 
Yup. This is definitely one that my husband and I struggle with monthly. It’s a bummer (understatement of my life) not being able to have the marital embrace during those peak fertility times. Something that has helped us is that during the non-fertile/available times, we put sex on the schedule, so-to-speak, even when we otherwise wouldn’t be seeking it. I know that sounds awfully unromantic and chore-like, but I can honestly say that it has helped improve our sexual relationship. Once things get going (sorry to be overt there), we realized that we were missing being physically close. It’s sort of like eating when you didn’t realize you were so hungry. And of course, renewing your marriage vows via the marital act always strengthens and invigorates your marriage, I’m convinced

Not to sound indecent or to pry, but does your wife climax during your sessions? If her physical needs are not being tended to that could certainly make her feel less than enthusiastic about being intimate.

Also, during your wife’s peak fertile times, do you romance her? Sometimes a nice kissing/necking session can help you two connect when you can’t otherwise “connect.”
 
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