NFP Support

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JacobS

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I am looking for support with NFP, or rather with the abstinence required. My wife, through no fault of their own, has great difficulty discerning fertility. We have tried, and failed to use NFP, and are now left with long term abstinence. It could go on for years, maybe decades, possibly the rest of our lives. I have no idea.

We are getting help with the medical part of things, so I need no advice with that. What I need advice with is the nuts and bolts of how this is going to work. If you’ve gone through this, how did you work things out? I envision renting a separate apartment, or moving into the guest room, and treating my wife – in terms of the physical affection at least – as my sister. My DW thinks that the idea is crazy and I am trying to push her to use contraception (I am not, btw). Am I out of line? I can’t see things working any other way. If we live together and carry on as normal we will fail. I don’t have any living examples of how this kind of marriage will work.
 
JacobS said:
I am looking for support with NFP, or rather with the abstinence required. My wife, through no fault of their own, has great difficulty discerning fertility. We have tried, and failed to use NFP, and are now left with long term abstinence. It could go on for years, maybe decades, possibly the rest of our lives. I have no idea.

We are getting help with the medical part of things, so I need no advice with that. What I need advice with is the nuts and bolts of how this is going to work. If you’ve gone through this, how did you work things out? I envision renting a separate apartment, or moving into the guest room, and treating my wife – in terms of the physical affection at least – as my sister. My DW thinks that the idea is crazy and I am trying to push her to use contraception (I am not, btw). Am I out of line? I can’t see things working any other way. If we live together and carry on as normal we will fail. I don’t have any living examples of how this kind of marriage will work.
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Chat with people here and get NFP info; there are apparently several different methods or variations, lacking better words. NFP works.

You’re married. No, you do not want to treat her as your sister and move out. Will not help and probably will set you up for more heartache and temptation.

The abstinence stinks, putting it politely. You will get all sorts of advice on doing other things that are affectionate; you will be told sex isn’t everything (missing the point that it is intimacy, not sex); you will be told that NFP and church teachings and the lack of sexual intimacy cannot be the problem, so there are other problems in your marriage. There is no easy answer; long-term abstienence does not help a relationship at all - been there, still there. Church teachings on sex being what they are, you are not left with any options if you follow the teachings. But you do need to work on it together, and NFP does work once you get it down. Again, no, you do not move out; you work on it and deal with it. Some couples are more successful than others, but they are out there.

Define “If we live together and carry on as normal we will fail”. What is failing? Having a baby? Having other sex?
 
JacobS said:
I am looking for support with NFP, or rather with the abstinence required. My wife, through no fault of their own, has great difficulty discerning fertility. We have tried, and failed to use NFP, and are now left with long term abstinence. It could go on for years, maybe decades, possibly the rest of our lives. I have no idea.

We are getting help with the medical part of things, so I need no advice with that. What I need advice with is the nuts and bolts of how this is going to work. If you’ve gone through this, how did you work things out? I envision renting a separate apartment, or moving into the guest room, and treating my wife – in terms of the physical affection at least – as my sister. My DW thinks that the idea is crazy and I am trying to push her to use contraception (I am not, btw). Am I out of line? I can’t see things working any other way. If we live together and carry on as normal we will fail. I don’t have any living examples of how this kind of marriage will work.
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Now, you did not say what your wife’s problem is.
There are several methods that TOGETHER work pretty well and are much better than abstinence:

  1. *]the calendar method;
    the temperature method;
    Billings’ method
    other variables (sexual desire, breast enlargement, slight pain on the ovaries, and so on);

    Sometimes, when the cycle is irregular, you have to take some medicine (which may include the pill) to make the cycles regular, for it is not good for the health the have the cycles irregular, for it shows that something is not functioning well (may be, for instance, that the person is overweight or whatever).

    Anyhow, I am surprised that the doctor does not get what is wrong and does not teach the methods. Or whatever. I do not know for you did not say.

    Anyhow, a catholic doctor is better.
 
searching04 said:
Chat with people here and get NFP info; there are apparently several different methods or variations, lacking better words. NFP works.

You’re married. No, you do not want to treat her as your sister and move out. Will not help and probably will set you up for more heartache and temptation.

The abstinence stinks, putting it politely. You will get all sorts of advice on doing other things that are affectionate; you will be told sex isn’t everything (missing the point that it is intimacy, not sex); you will be told that NFP and church teachings and the lack of sexual intimacy cannot be the problem, so there are other problems in your marriage. There is no easy answer; long-term abstienence does not help a relationship at all - been there, still there. Church teachings on sex being what they are, you are not left with any options if you follow the teachings. But you do need to work on it together, and NFP does work once you get it down. Again, no, you do not move out; you work on it and deal with it. Some couples are more successful than others, but they are out there.

Define “If we live together and carry on as normal we will fail”. What is failing? Having a baby? Having other sex?
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We’ve already tried everything under the sun and no method has been able to predict accurately when she will ovulate.

We may get NFP down eventually but it is playing the waiting game in the meantime that is the problem. Personally I’m skeptical that we will figure it out before menopause.

By “we will fail” I mean that DW will fall back into the habit of masturbation. She may do the same if I treat her as a sister, but it will be easier all around if there is less temptation. Pregnancy is too dangerous so there is no way that will happen.
 
Sounds like it’s starting to cross over into a medical question and we as CAF posters are all strictly banned from giving medical advice. So my suggestion is to seek out a good Catholic doctor to deal with the health aspect of it (if you have not done that already) and then to dial up some folks to get some solid lessons on sympto-thermal or Marquette. Something with cross-checking. As a husband to a woman with ridiculously variable but quite fertile cycles I can sympathize on the frustration but I can also assure you that it is indeed possible to figure it out.

Communication is absolutely essential, as is ensuring there is as little human error when it comes to temperature checking and what have you. That’s why the cross-checking is a big deal. You get two or three different signs and if they don’t match up, well then you know what the deal is. If they do, then as Professor Farnsworth would say, good news everyone! Is Phase III-only conservative a lot of fun? Meh. Probably not. But it’s extraordinarily effective and not terribly difficult to calculate imo.
 
Pfaffenhoffen said:
Now, you did not say what your wife’s problem is.
There are several methods that TOGETHER work pretty well and are much better than abstinence:

  1. *]the calendar method;
    the temperature method;
    Billings’ method
    other variables (sexual desire, breast enlargement, slight pain on the ovaries, and so on);

    Sometimes, when the cycle is irregular, you have to take some medicine (which may include the pill) to make the cycles regular, for it is not good for the health the have the cycles irregular, for it shows that something is not functioning well (may be, for instance, that the person is overweight or whatever).

    Anyhow, I am surprised that the doctor does not get what is wrong and does not teach the methods. Or whatever. I do not know for you did not say.

    .
Click to expand...

  1. Almost everything you’ve said here is incorrect.

    No, not the calendar method. the “temperature method” isn’t reliable either.

    The pill is the WORST thing to take for irregular cycles. And irregular cycles can be completely healthy.

    Doctors don’t usually teach methods.

    There are 4 reliable methods. Billings, Sympto thermal, creighton, marquette.

    Creighton is connected to napro technology which can help doctors diagnose and treat problems.
 
Pfaffenhoffen said:
Sometimes, when the cycle is irregular, you have to take some medicine (which may include the pill) to make the cycles regular, for it is not good for the health the have the cycles irregular, for it shows that something is not functioning well
Click to expand...
The Pill "regulates"nothing, just overrides a woman’s own hormones. Sure it’s cyclical, but is not therapeutic for irregular cycles. And irregular cycles are not necessarily “unhealthy”, some women are regularly irregular with no pathology, and all women have some irregularity in their lives, from stress or illness or breastfeeding, or whatever. We are human and hormonal, not machines.

The OP has stated that he and his wife are getting help with the medical aspect of their lives, so we don’t need to be giving advice for things we know nothing about. He is asking for advice for living with abstinence.

Abstinence is hard but not impossible. I’m glad my husband didn’t move out in our times of abstinence–post partum, weird cycles. Love is sometimes very sacrificial. Very.
 
Uh and if there is a weight problem here and a serious one, there’s a fairly good chance that it is also effecting her cycle. I daresay this might be a good opportunity to bring up an exercise regimen, especially if you get a doctor’s advice on that. Then everyone can win, provided that it’s suggested in a gentle way of course.
 
The_Bucket said:
Uh and if there is a weight problem here and a serious one, there’s a fairly good chance that it is also effecting her cycle. I daresay this might be a good opportunity to bring up an exercise regimen, especially if you get a doctor’s advice on that. Then everyone can win, provided that it’s suggested in a gentle way of course.
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Yes that is a big part of why NFP doesn’t work. Any solution will involve her losing a lot of weight, changing diet, hormone therapy, ect. The solution isn’t going to happen quickly if it happens at all. It has been two steps forward three steps back for the past few years, so I am not holding my breathe She is already seeing a doctor about all of this though. No help needed 😃
 
casey_zia said:
The Pill "regulates"nothing, just overrides a woman’s own hormones. Sure it’s cyclical, but is not therapeutic for irregular cycles. And irregular cycles are not necessarily “unhealthy”, some women are regularly irregular with no pathology, and all women have some irregularity in their lives, from stress or illness or breastfeeding, or whatever. We are human and hormonal, not machines.
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And if her cycles are irregular because of a hormone imbalance, then she might be given pills (just like the ones in a “The Pill”) to help regulate her cycle.
 
maryjk said:
And if her cycles are irregular because of a hormone imbalance, then she might be given pills (just like the ones in a “The Pill”) to help regulate her cycle.
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and this wouldn’t be good for her. the pill does NOT regulate a cycle. It shuts down the cycle.
 
JacobS said:
I am looking for support with NFP, or rather with the abstinence required. My wife, through no fault of their own, has great difficulty discerning fertility. We have tried, and failed to use NFP, and are now left with long term abstinence. It could go on for years, maybe decades, possibly the rest of our lives. I have no idea.
Click to expand...
JacobS said:
Yes that is a big part of why NFP doesn’t work. Any solution will involve her losing a lot of weight, changing diet, hormone therapy, ect. The solution isn’t going to happen quickly if it happens at all. She is already seeing a doctor about all of this. No help needed 😃
Click to expand...
So you are okay with abstaining for years, even forever? You are simply looking for help how to do that? 🤷
 
agapewolf said:
and this wouldn’t be good for her. the pill does NOT regulate a cycle. It shuts down the cycle.
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Do you have a medical degree?

You might want to notice I said she might be given pills, like the ones in “The Pill.”
 
JacobS said:
Yes that is a big part of why NFP doesn’t work. Any solution will involve her losing a lot of weight, changing diet, hormone therapy, ect. The solution isn’t going to happen quickly if it happens at all. It has been two steps forward three steps back for the past few years, so I am not holding my breathe She is already seeing a doctor about all of this though. No help needed 😃
Click to expand...
Being totally biased because I live it, try Weight Watchers. It is simply portion control and eating healthy grocery store foods. Takes time, but it is the healthiest way to do it.
 
maryjk said:
Do you have a medical degree?

You might want to notice I said she might be given pills, like the ones in “The Pill.”
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No, I’m training to teach creighton. I know the basic science. All you have to do is read the insert to know what the pill does.
 
agapewolf said:
No, I’m training to teach creighton. I know the basic science. All you have to do is read the insert to know what the pill does.
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Wow. Okay, I will call my NFP only GYN and let her know that agapewolf told me that the pills she gave me are bad for me. And that she needs to come up with something different.

You will tell me what I should tell her to do, right? :rolleyes:

How about again, I state

*she might be given pills, like the ones in “The Pill.” *
then she might be given pills (just like the ones in a “The Pill”)

My pills, although just like the ones in a pack of ABC, do not come in a pack. Nor do I take them for 21 or 28 days.

But hey, if you say they are bad for me and you are learning all about it, I am sure you know more than a Catholic NFP only medical doctor.
 
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