NFP user seeking marital advice

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Lou_F

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My wife and I have ardently practiced NFP for years. Lately I have been finding myself much more physically attracted to her. I have been sharing more wholesome forms of intamacy with her such as a hug, a kiss, a touch, than before. We are currently holding off on pregnancy. My wife has been seeking this form of simple intimacy and is very happy with it being more frequent.

But I need help discerning. I feel like I’m living more in the flesh than the spirit due to the increase of physical attraction I have for her. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to be more intimate as a husband and wife should, but could it be possible that I’m seduced? I find myself wanting to do more for her because of this attraction. Could it be possible I’m loving her more through my flesh than my heart?
 
Lou_F said:
My wife and I have ardently practiced NFP for years. Lately I have been finding myself much more physically attracted to her. I have been sharing more wholesome forms of intamacy with her such as a hug, a kiss, a touch, than before. We are currently holding off on pregnancy. My wife has been seeking this form of simple intimacy and is very happy with it being more frequent.

But I need help discerning. I feel like I’m living more in the flesh than the spirit due to the increase of physical attraction I have for her. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to be more intimate as a husband and wife should, but could it be possible that I’m seduced? I find myself wanting to do more for her because of this attraction. Could it be possible I’m loving her more through my flesh than my heart?
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I’m not married, but I think I can help a bit. You are honouring your wife wonderfully. You are providing the emotional and physical intimacy that she desires. One of the benefits of NFP is that your sexual activity is on a schedule, and so you know that you will not be “rewarded” with that particular activity.
So, I am inclined to see your stronger attraction to your wife as a very excellent grace from God. Perhaps if you are still worried that you are valuing your wife more for her physical attributes than the others, make a list, or a poem or something about what you value about her.
 
I am married, and you sound normal and natural. Sounds like your first step is more prayer; do you 2 pray together regularily such as, maybe, a daily Rosary together?
 
Lou_F said:
My wife and I have ardently practiced NFP for years. Lately I have been finding myself much more physically attracted to her. I have been sharing more wholesome forms of intamacy with her such as a hug, a kiss, a touch, than before. We are currently holding off on pregnancy. My wife has been seeking this form of simple intimacy and is very happy with it being more frequent.

But I need help discerning. I feel like I’m living more in the flesh than the spirit due to the increase of physical attraction I have for her. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to be more intimate as a husband and wife should, but could it be possible that I’m seduced? I find myself wanting to do more for her because of this attraction. Could it be possible I’m loving her more through my flesh than my heart?
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Perhaps this is a way of the Holy Spirit telling you should try for a pregnancy. 👍
 
I would like to thank you Spirithound, chrysostom15, and thedavidwilson for your comments and suggestions. But, doesn’t God’s way require detachment and discomfort? I know I should make my wife happier in ways in accord with God’s plan, but I have been using this intimacy as a way to avoid the insignificant pains in our marriage. When I’m hurt by her over something insignificant, (a messy table, a comment,etc.) I normally get uptight or put in my 2 cents. Lately when this happens, instead of resorting to anger or poor words, I ask her for a hug. I look at my own pain more instead of the “pain she caused me”. I can’t tell you how much better it is for me to avoid that stress. I just hope I’m not using her as a drug so to speak to make me feel better. I feel as if I need her to overcome my normal faults when I respond this way. I feel as if I have become more attached to her. When little children are hurt, they ask for a hug. I have to be completely honest, I would be totally embarrassed if others saw me act this way. I feel like I’m being less of a man by not taking it on the chin and instead, admit how sensitive or delicate my feelings can be. I have difficulty toughening up over the small stuff at times. Can you offer any more suggestions? I don’t want to avoid the pain with a sensual way to avoid it if God wants me to just endure the pain.
 
Why do you think God’s way requires detachment and discomfort??

Why would He or your wife want you to resort to anger or poor words, rather than hugs?

Your logic is interesting. Your concern seems to be that you are using her, but from your description, it sounds quite the opposite, that you are becoming more loving to your wife. Being attached to her is a good thing.

I think you’re on the right track, I just don’t think you know it yet. 👍

Oh, have you read The Good News About Sex and Marriage, and/or Theology of the Body for Beginners? I think it would be a good read for you. See how all of this fits in with God’s plan for marriage.
 
Lou_F said:
But, doesn’t God’s way require detachment and discomfort? I know I should make my wife happier in ways in accord with God’s plan, but I have been using this intimacy as a way to avoid the insignificant pains in our marriage. When I’m hurt by her over something insignificant, (a messy table, a comment,etc.) I normally get uptight or put in my 2 cents. Lately when this happens, instead of resorting to anger or poor words, I ask her for a hug. I look at my own pain more instead of the “pain she caused me”. I can’t tell you how much better it is for me to avoid that stress. I just hope I’m not using her as a drug so to speak to make me feel better. I feel as if I need her to overcome my normal faults when I respond this way. I feel as if I have become more attached to her. When little children are hurt, they ask for a hug. I have to be completely honest, I would be totally embarrassed if others saw me act this way. I feel like I’m being less of a man by not taking it on the chin and instead, admit how sensitive or delicate my feelings can be. I have difficulty toughening up over the small stuff at times. Can you offer any more suggestions? I don’t want to avoid the pain with a sensual way to avoid it if God wants me to just endure the pain.
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No no, this is the way that God wants you to be! Instead of telling your wife that you are upset with the messy table, you are forgiving her, and see? It is working out much better for both of you!
Lou, last year I ran a program for the teenage boys of my parish’s youth group, and we call it Real Men. We learn how to honour the women in our lives, and part of lesson 2 is learning how women think. They are more emotional than men, and Lou, you are learning how to connect emotionally with your wife, and you are becoming more fluent in her Love Language.
 
annb said:
Why do you think God’s way requires detachment and discomfort??

Why would He or your wife want you to resort to anger or poor words, rather than hugs?

Your logic is interesting. Your concern seems to be that you are using her, but from your description, it sounds quite the opposite, that you are becoming more loving to your wife. Being attached to her is a good thing.

I think you’re on the right track, I just don’t think you know it yet. 👍

Oh, have you read The Good News About Sex and Marriage, and/or Theology of the Body for Beginners? I think it would be a good read for you. See how all of this fits in with God’s plan for marriage.
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I agree. TOB helped me understand that my wife really wanted and deserved the type of affection you are giving her… It’s called Romance, I think. After 18 yrs… It’s taking a while longer to rekindle things, but I used to “avoid” my DW and that really made it hard to get interest when it “was time”. Think of it as a great opportunity to extend love making to days at a time.😉
 
Lou_F said:
I would like to thank you Spirithound, chrysostom15, and thedavidwilson for your comments and suggestions. But, doesn’t God’s way require detachment and discomfort? I know I should make my wife happier in ways in accord with God’s plan, but I have been using this intimacy as a way to avoid the insignificant pains in our marriage. When I’m hurt by her over something insignificant, (a messy table, a comment,etc.) I normally get uptight or put in my 2 cents. Lately when this happens, instead of resorting to anger or poor words, I ask her for a hug. I look at my own pain more instead of the “pain she caused me”. I can’t tell you how much better it is for me to avoid that stress. I just hope I’m not using her as a drug so to speak to make me feel better. I feel as if I need her to overcome my normal faults when I respond this way. I feel as if I have become more attached to her. When little children are hurt, they ask for a hug. I have to be completely honest, I would be totally embarrassed if others saw me act this way. I feel like I’m being less of a man by not taking it on the chin and instead, admit how sensitive or delicate my feelings can be. I have difficulty toughening up over the small stuff at times. Can you offer any more suggestions? I don’t want to avoid the pain with a sensual way to avoid it if God wants me to just endure the pain.
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Sacrafice isn’t always “loss”. It sometimes is “give”. Two becoming one requires this type of intimancy. If what you are saying is that you are using this activity to “mask” faults you think she might have… then, as I understand things are working properly. If they are major problems or you think they will become a problem and you are “doping” yourself, then you need to find a way to work out the issue, together.

And don’t feel too bad, I’ve been chasing after my wife for 20 yrs… I never liked being affectionate before…Now, it’s kinda neat. It gives the kids an idea, too, about what a loving marriage shold look like. But I wouldn’t use too many “pet” names in public.:rolleyes:
 
Lou_F said:
I would like to thank you Spirithound, chrysostom15, and thedavidwilson for your comments and suggestions. But, doesn’t God’s way require detachment and discomfort? I know I should make my wife happier in ways in accord with God’s plan, but I have been using this intimacy as a way to avoid the insignificant pains in our marriage. When I’m hurt by her over something insignificant, (a messy table, a comment,etc.) I normally get uptight or put in my 2 cents. Lately when this happens, instead of resorting to anger or poor words, I ask her for a hug. I look at my own pain more instead of the “pain she caused me”. I can’t tell you how much better it is for me to avoid that stress. I just hope I’m not using her as a drug so to speak to make me feel better. I feel as if I need her to overcome my normal faults when I respond this way. I feel as if I have become more attached to her. When little children are hurt, they ask for a hug. I have to be completely honest, I would be totally embarrassed if others saw me act this way. I feel like I’m being less of a man by not taking it on the chin and instead, admit how sensitive or delicate my feelings can be. I have difficulty toughening up over the small stuff at times. Can you offer any more suggestions? I don’t want to avoid the pain with a sensual way to avoid it if God wants me to just endure the pain.
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God wants us to be happy. I think what you are doing now is called Love. Whenever our wives **** us off or disappoint us we should make the concious decision to show our love for them. Love is an act of the will, a decision, not a feeling. God chooses to love us even when we disappoint him, not just because he feels like loving us. That is what you are doing with your wife and what all of us should be doing. You enjoying this sounds like a grace from God and I am happy for you because usually truely loving someone is a hard (but fruitful) path to follow. BTW you are more of a man than most for what you are doing.
 
Let me rephrase your original post:
You are concerned that “you’re living more in the flesh than the spirit,” “that you’re seduced,” “that you’re loving your wife more through your flesh than your heart.” But remember, “By their fruits shall you know them.” What are the fruits of your recent feelings? You say you’re more physically attracted to your wife, but that you’re sharing more wholesome forms of affection–a hug, a kiss, a touch, your wife is very happy with the greater frequency of these forms of simple intimacy. You find yourself wanting to do more for her because of this greater attraction to your wife.

Where is the downside to these feelings and actions? If you found yourself attracted to women other than your wife, if you were having greater difficulty with the periodic abstinence of NFP and were feeling tempted to use contraceptives to enable relations at any time, if you were feeling less tenderness and more specifically physical sexual feelings, if you were feeling less concerned about her feelings and serving her and more concerned about your own physical satisfactions, THEN I’d be concerned about desires of the flesh warring with desires of the spirit. But that’s not what I’m reading in your post, quite the opposite, in fact.

God gave us bodies as well as souls, and our bodies have senses and emotions that we can enjoy (in moderation and self-control). It is not wrong to appreciate a woman’s feminine charm and physical beauty if it attracts a man to getting to know her better, discern if she’d be a good wife and mother, make a marital commitment to her, and live a faithful, fruitful, loving relationship with her. It is a blessing if that initial attraction grows with time and greater familiarity and leads to greater self-giving on your part.

The physical pleasure of taste comes with eating, a blessing from God to keep us doing this action our bodies need for survival. As long as we avoid gluttony, unhealthy over-eating / non-nutritious food, we can enjoy this physical pleasure God has given us. So it is with the emotional and physical pleasures of a marital relationship. As long as we avoid unchastity (pre-marital / extra-marital / contracepted sex, etc.) and are sensitive to the feelings and desires of our beloved, we can enjoy the emotional and physical pleasures God has attached to this relationship necessary to our human race’s survival and our own health (“It is not good for man to be alone”). If there were no physical or emotional pleasures associated with marriage, would any man be willing to take on the commitment, responsibility, and hard work of supporting a wife and family? Enjoy these gifts from God!
 
I hope there is a valid reason you are avoiding pregnancy. As someone stated already it sounds like the Holy Spirit is pushing you not to avoid pregnancy.
 
My opinion is that everything is going well with the NFP. It sounds like you feel a very high level of intimacy(closeness) with your wife . This is lending itself the way it should to add to your desire to renew your marital vows due to the closeness you feel. This is the way God intended it to be in marriage. This is the beauty of NFP it leads to more intimacy.Intimacy also leads to greater service in the marriage.
 
ljprevo said:
I hope there is a valid reason you are avoiding pregnancy. As someone stated already it sounds like the Holy Spirit is pushing you not to avoid pregnancy.
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:rolleyes:
I don’t see how you have enough information to make that assessment.
 
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