NFP- What it really means...my experience

[theAuthor]

When we were undertaking RCIA, Natural Family Planning was a bit of a sticking point. We talked about it lots. I don’t think that I fully understood the choice, although it was explained to me. So I wanted to share our experience with it.

IT DOESN"T WORK AS ADVERTISED.

Yup. That’s the long and the short of it.

We were told time and again that intercourse for Catholics means being open to life. That means exactly what it says.

Some people, including doctors will throw statitstics at you like 99% effective. Hand you a copy of the Billings method, etc. Then when you go back and say, “Well, it didn’t work! My wife is pregnant.” They’ll say, “Um , yes, well, that’s because a woman is designed to **feel like it **the most when she is most fertile.”

I’m not whinging. I love our new daughter very, very much.

But I think if you’re considering going into it, it should not be looked at as a “natural method of contraception” but more like “an attempt to evenly space the gap between your children to two years or over so life is easier.”

I work in an ultrasound facility and when I mention NFP, they laugh.

So I think the** real **choice to be made is if you decide to use NFP are you prepared to do what it takes when you have a large family? For us this translates to, are you prepared to move interstate where the grandparents live so you have some support beyond the nuclear family?

It can be done. Despite what a lot of folks say, you can afford a biggish family, even if you are not rich. You can do without some material stuff, no problems. You may have to find more support, trust people to help beyond what you’d like to, etc, but it can be done. It’s a choice.

I just wanted to put our experience out there as an example of what the real choice is. NFP is not about having a small family, not about not having kids. Just trying to space them out a bit if you can. You will probably still end up with a big Catholic family. So the real question becomes, are you prepared to do what it takes when you have a big family?

I don’t think the issue would have been as big in times past when people had extended family nearby, the streets were safer for kids to play in, etc, but it can still be done. I believe in the long run a big family is going to see you happier in old age anyway.

 

[whm]

Author, I think you have the right attitude about NFP, it is not contraception. As far as effectiveness goes, I think if you really want to space your children out without to many blessed supprises, you have to be pretty strict with it and abstain for half the month or more.

I am not one to talk because my wife (and reluctantly I ) pretty much gave up on it 9 months after our second child when we thought we would have 3 kids in 36 months. It was a false alarm. Note by giving up, I don’t mean that we contracept, we are just using the 100% accurate form of NFP (ie nada). There are some reasons for this that I won’t get into. But my point is like many who fail at NFP we did not follow the rules. We stopped tracking and ended up doing something more like the rhythm method, kind of vaguely counting days based on a few months of charting from when we first got married.

My understanding is that the Creighton method is easier and more accurate than Billings, but hopefully some of the successful NFP’ers can back that up.

 

[MercyMia]

theAuthor - You are right, NFP is not contraception and we ARE to be open to life in our marriage. I think you made a good point, that we should not be pushing the effectiveness rate as some sort of reason to use NFP…that may lead some people into the contraceptive mentality and they will feel decieved when the natural consequence of a baby does happen.
However, I, and many on this board have gone years without any pregnancies due to NFP… but I know others have had very frustrating experiences.

 

[kage_ar]

My advice, study all the methods of NFP before you decide on one. Billings would not work for me, we practice a mucous only method. Due to serious health problems, we used this method to avoid for nearly two decades. Frankly, I now wish I’d risked my health. I have my health and one grown child. I’d rather be crippled and have a room full of kids.

And it is true that you must be committed to abstaining if there is a just reason to avoid (what defines “just” is a debate that can wage for pages and pages…). That does mean not taking a chance unless you know you can welcome a child into your marriage at that time.

Have some of your laughing co-workers call me.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Wow… it sounds like you still don’t understand what NFP is…

Your sarcasm is CORRECT! NFP is NOT contraception!.. It’s NOT about having a small family… and NOT about avoiding children! It’s about being OPEN to LIFE!

However… you mentioned that women are more likely to want sex during their fertile time - SURE, that makes perfect sense!.. But NFP is not to BLAME for you choosing to actually ACT on those feelings. NFP is only information! If you know she’s fertile (and yes, an underlying sign is being more aroused), and you prayerfully decided that it was not a proper time to bring a new life into the world, then you should have abstained. You didn’t HAVE to have sex. … you CHOSE to.

NFP has worked 100% perfectly for us. All 3 (4 pregnancies with the miscarriage) have been PLANNED and spaced for when we were prayerfully ready to bring a new life into this world. NFP is MEANT to be used for serious situations… financial, emotional, physical, spiritual DIFFICULTIES… not just about meeting the “number of children YOU PLANNED to have.”.

Having children, no matter what NUMBER that you decide is right or wrong, isn’t a numbers game… it’s about sharing your God-given gifts in marriage. Marriage is a SACRAMENT, not just a legal contract.

 

[JRKH]

Author,
Thank you for your well put together post. It did not strike me as being sarcastic at all.

What you point out, though not directly, in your post is that sexual relations need to be undertaken only with a clear recognition of purpose and the consequences the act. Also that God has provided specific and natural safeguards that if properly understood and used, can space and even prevent pregancy.
Unfortunately for most people the surest method of prevention is the one that they don’t want to hear about. Abstinance.

As to having large families. My Grandparents had only 3 children but from those three, they got 18 Grandchildren. My Mom and sister each had 5 and my mom’s brother had 8 kids. We did have, as you say a lot of family close by. We all lived in within about a 10 mile circle of each other and it did make things easier.

The other thing to remember in all of that is that we as kids, didn’t get all of the fancy toys our friends did, nor did we each have to have our “own room”. We slept 3 boys in one bedroom and the two girls in the other bedroom. No one ever thought we were poor or that we were somehow jipped. We had clean clothes, food on the table, parents who loved and disciplined us, went to mass every Sunday and Holy Day, and sent us to Catholic School.
Mom and dad sacrificed a lot for us kids, but then to they never sacrificed at all. You see they loved raising their kids. They loved family and church and were not big travelers nor did they seem to have expensive tastes. They may not have had the latest styles and dad wore a lot of patched jeans (as we kids did too). Mom wore the same winter coat for 20 years before finally getting a new one.

I’ve gotten abit off topic, but all of that is just to say that, if one recognizes what is truly good and right and worthwile, then having a large family is a blessing.
In another thread some folks were discussing the “Duggers” who had so many children. It seems to me that they clearly show that a large family need not be a burden.
I also remember the movie “Your Mine and Ours”, based on a true story, where two large families were combined. In the scene where each parent is adopting the others kids, the judge comments to the mother how well run the house is and how his wife, with far fewer kids, has more trouble. When asked how she managed, the mother (played by Lucelle Ball) answered, “Well a lot of love, a little discipline, and a husband who doesn’t criticize”.
That seems to say a lot.

Peace
James

 

[FrenchGwen]

NFP is MEANT to be used for serious situations… financial, emotional, physical, spiritual DIFFICULTIES… not just about meeting the “number of children YOU PLANNED to have.”.

I agree here. Moreover, the difficulty in abstaining during fertile time is SUCH a blessing, because it forces you to reconsider your plans instead of just sticking with them without listening to a small voice telling you you may be called to do otherwise.

This is precisely what DH and I are experiencing now: we’ve been “successful” at TTA with NFP for our 16 months of marriage so far, and we still think it wise to wait a bit till we get our first child, yet abstaining becomes more and more difficult with the months passing and our relationship growing stronger (hey, surprisingly, letting our relationship become stronger before welcoming a child IS precisely one of our major reasons for avoiding).
So now we’re just aware of one thing: we may very well not end avoiding as long as we had PLANNED to, because NFP is here to intice us to reconsider those plans.
We already know that, one night, this voice will just be stronger that the need for more “couple time”, and…

 

[manualman]

…
They’ll say, “Um , yes, well, that’s because a woman is designed to **feel like it **the most when she is most fertile.”

…

There is a big difference between the method “not working” and the couple deciding to “go for it.” This is, in fact, a symptom of why NFP is acceptable and contraception is morally wrong in the first place! Contraception simply divorces sex from babies. NFP doesn’t. If your need to avoid is serious, you have a tough sacrifice to make several days a month - typically the most potentially fun days! This has a way of acting like a BS detector on the allegedly “serious” reason for avoiding.

You don’t indicate if you “cheated” and then got pregnant or if the method itself failed to identify the fertile times. But in your case, it sounds like maybe you just had a “what the heck” baby instead of a planned one. I have one of those myself! No regrets. In any case, that is a very different thing from an “oops” baby…

For us, NFP does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do: 2 planned babies, 1 “what the heck” baby and 0 “oops” babies. 10 years using it, so far.

 

[Am2010]

When we were undertaking RCIA, Natural Family Planning was a bit of a sticking point. We talked about it lots. I don’t think that I fully understood the choice, although it was explained to me. So I wanted to share our experience with it.

IT DOESN"T WORK AS ADVERTISED.

Yup. That’s the long and the short of it.

We were told time and again that intercourse for Catholics means being open to life. That means exactly what it says.

Some people, including doctors will throw statitstics at you like 99% effective. Hand you a copy of the Billings method, etc. Then when you go back and say, “Well, it didn’t work! My wife is pregnant.” They’ll say, “Um , yes, well, that’s because a woman is designed to **feel like it **the most when she is most fertile.”

I’m not whinging. I love our new daughter very, very much.

But I think if you’re considering going into it, it should not be looked at as a “natural method of contraception” but more like “an attempt to evenly space the gap between your children to two years or over so life is easier.”

I work in an ultrasound facility and when I mention NFP, they laugh.

So I think the** real **choice to be made is if you decide to use NFP are you prepared to do what it takes when you have a large family? For us this translates to, are you prepared to move interstate where the grandparents live so you have some support beyond the nuclear family?

It can be done. Despite what a lot of folks say, you can afford a biggish family, even if you are not rich. You can do without some material stuff, no problems. You may have to find more support, trust people to help beyond what you’d like to, etc, but it can be done. It’s a choice.

I just wanted to put our experience out there as an example of what the real choice is. NFP is not about having a small family, not about not having kids. Just trying to space them out a bit if you can. You will probably still end up with a big Catholic family. So the real question becomes, are you prepared to do what it takes when you have a big family?

I don’t think the issue would have been as big in times past when people had extended family nearby, the streets were safer for kids to play in, etc, but it can still be done. I believe in the long run a big family is going to see you happier in old age anyway.

You’re experience makes sense to me.I’ve read NFP with perfect use is 99% effective but with actual use(by us,imperfect humans)that stat is closer to 75% Not good enough for me!

 

[MercyMia]

You’re experience makes sense to me.I’ve read NFP with perfect use is 99% effective but with actual use(by us,imperfect humans)that stat is closer to 75% Not good enough for me!

But good enough for God

 

[kage_ar]

You’re experience makes sense to me.I’ve read NFP with perfect use is 99% effective but with actual use(by us,imperfect humans)that stat is closer to 75% Not good enough for me!

That is fine, in your marriage you can choose to welcome children as they come from God or to abstain until menopause. Thank God if you do not have a serious health or financial reason to delay kids!!

 

[Am2010]

That is fine, in your marriage you can choose to welcome children as they come from God or to abstain until menopause. Thank God if you do not have a serious health or financial reason to delay kids!!

I didn’t choose either of these methods but thanks for your concern.

 

[Em_in_FL]

You’re experience makes sense to me.I’ve read NFP with perfect use is 99% effective but with actual use(by us,imperfect humans)that stat is closer to 75% Not good enough for me!

Same goes for any method, though…

If you want hormonal birth control to be effective you need to take it properly (ie, pills at the exact same time every single day - not easy for “imperfect humans”)…

 

[kage_ar]

I didn’t choose either of these methods but thanks for your concern.

Christians have three choices

Let nature take it’s course

Abstain til menopause

NFP.

If you chose anything else, then, I’d advise learing what Holy Mother Church teaches.

 

[PaulinVA]

You’re experience makes sense to me.I’ve read NFP with perfect use is 99% effective but with actual use(by us,imperfect humans)that stat is closer to 75% Not good enough for me!

You’ve got to look at the population that practices NFP.

We have used the Sympto-Thermal Method for close to twenty years to conceive and to not conceive. We have a serious reason to abstain, so we seriously abstain. Previously, we were lax at times, because, quite frankly, a married couple is supposed to mirror God’s creative love.

So, I think the population that uses NFP is a little more open to “throwing caution to the wind” knowingly. It counts as a method failure, but, come on, it really isn’t.

Yes, there are really use failures, but I can’t explain why.

 

[agapewolf]

I didn’t choose either of these methods but thanks for your concern.

I think its interesting that you think the statistics of any other method is better. The stats given by PP, or any other promoting it do not take into consideration ovulation vs. infertile time. Those stats are not correct at all. NFP is the MOST effective by tens of percents at least.

 

[mayrag86]

That is fine, in your marriage you can choose to welcome children as they come from God or to abstain until menopause. Thank God if you do not have a serious health or financial reason to delay kids!!

My grandmother got pregnant during menopause. She miscarried, though. My mom said it was because during menopause you ovulate multiple times per month? I am confused about ovulation and menopause. I’ve tried to educate myself on it but I havn’t been successful thus far.

 

[kage_ar]

My grandmother got pregnant during menopause. She miscarried, though. My mom said it was because during menopause you ovulate multiple times per month? I am confused about ovulation and menopause. I’ve tried to educate myself on it but I havn’t been successful thus far.

It is likely your grandmother concieved during peri-menopause or what she THOUGHT was menopause.

Women who learn NFP will also be able to tell when they are fertile even if they are in that “menopause” age and have gone several months without a period.

God designed the female body to give off very specific signs when we are ovulating. We just have to look at those signs.

 

[mayrag86]

But don’t you have to abstain at least 3 days before these signs come up since sperm can live for about 3 days. Ok, I’m turning this thread into NFP ed. Sorry.

 

[1ke]

But don’t you have to abstain at least 3 days before these signs come up since sperm can live for about 3 days. Ok, I’m turning this thread into NFP ed. Sorry.

(a) You wouldn’t know when those 3 days were, since no signs were present

(b) Without mucus, you are not fertile. Sperm does not survive 3 days. Sperm without mucus survives only about 24 hours. It is in fertile mucus that sperm survives up to 5-6 days.