Nfp

[pilot]

My wife and I use NFP. In this program there are certain times of the month when we can not be intimate. This makes a void and I struggle with the temptations of the flesh. Is there any advice for this.

 

[mlchance]

Is there any advice for this.

Watch Asian horror films until 11:00 p.m. Nothing sucks away amorous feelings quicker than being alone in the dark living room watching freaky Japanese ghosts terrorize people.



– Mark L. Chance.

 

[nana3]

Oddly enough, I did not respond to your thread and I got emailed by CAF that I had responded. I am sure it is an error, but let me tell you what my husband does when we can not be intimate.

First of all it was not and still is not easy for him. I think he struggles. as you do, with it more than I. It was such a problem at first that he turned to pornography and I found out about it. This lead to other mortal sins as well for him and caused me to not trust him for a long time. I hope this will never be an issue in your marriage.

I don’t think there is an easy answer except to say self control and discipline. You and your wife can do other things, that us wives love as well, like watching a movie together and holding hands or taking a walk etc. I know the sexes think of this suggest differently, but we compliment one another and think of it this way, when phrase three comes around, you will be looking forward to the intimate times with excitement.

I know I am not a man and can never understand how you think as you can’t understand a woman, but try reading a book, watching a movie or other things and remember you can still be romantic without the intimate part. We love that too!

 

[phantom]

My wife and I use NFP. In this program there are certain times of the month when we can not be intimate. This makes a void and I struggle with the temptations of the flesh. Is there any advice for this.

nana3 gave you very good advice, but I would add personal prayer is important also. My wife and I have been nfp for 15 years, it is actually more difficult than being single as far as I am concerned. We have 3 great children. Our first was conceived when we were in our “avoid” pattern, but the other two were planned perfectly and none since which is down right hard to believe, but it is as we have planned. My mother had 8 children in 9 years and my wife’s mother had 7 in 10, so fertility is not a problem…lol. I guess it is worth it and every way you go is gonna have its drawbacks. You have the satisfaction of knowing you are doing what is acceptable to the Church and responsible as a citizen. Personally, I would love to have a whole bunch of kids but in this day and age it is alot tougher to pull off financially than it was for our parents. And lets face it, most women have a different attitude now too. So much for trusting in providence, i guess.

 

[Hudson_Gillette]

My wife and I use NFP. In this program there are certain times of the month when we can not be intimate. This makes a void and I struggle with the temptations of the flesh. Is there any advice for this.

Pilot, I am with you. I struggle with it also. Wish I could offer advice, but I am here looking for some, same as you are.

Part of me wishes my wife felt as anxious as I do about it. If I felt she did it might help me. I mean, just having the reassurance that I am not the only one. So the fact she is so okay with it, well that makes me just feel worse.

The other part that stinks is that the only time we get to do anything, well that’s the time she feels least like it.

One thing I have found that does NOT work is prayer. When I am frustrated in this way, I feel the least prayerful. And any rules or doctrines anybody throws at me just makes me resent not just nfp but my faith as well. I fail to see the benefit to the marriage, except to not have kids, which is real great, hugh. Sometimes I don’t know the difference between myself and a protestant anymore, with this agenda, except that I get to live with frustrattion and the protestant gets the relief. This does not feel so natural to me at least.

 

[byHisGrace]

While I respect the fact that it is difficult, I disagree with the poster that prayer can not be very effective in this regard.

I think part of the struggle is that we fall into what we believe we need as opposed to being focused on what we can give.

When I realize that one of my chief roles is to help my spouse and family (both through prayer and my own example) get to heaven, and when I focus on the fact that my marriage is a witness of Christ’s love for the Church, then my own needs seem to take their proper place in the scheme of things. And in that self-denial, I find a tremendous freedom from a need of the moment, and feel overwhelmed with a love for my wife, and the graces we’ve received in my marriage.

I’m not making light of the struggle. The very act of self denial makes those moments of intimacy much more treasured. Our love has deepened in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and best of all it “feels” like a love that is centered in Christ.

Prayer, and lots of communication with ones spouse is the answer, I think. The prayer brings into focus that I am to be in my behavior towards my wife what Christ is to the Church, willing to lay down my life for her. And when I willingly embrace that mindset, I find my love continues to grow.

May God bless you!

 

[setter]

My wife and I use NFP. In this program there are certain times of the month when we can not be intimate. This makes a void and I struggle with the temptations of the flesh. Is there any advice for this.

Not very consoling, but marital chastity does get easier over time as one makes strident effort at developing self-mastery. Marital continence in keeping with the virtue of marital chastity is akin to fasting, if one directs their thoughts to the higher virtue and order at hand and unites with the sacrifice of Christ who died to self in order that we could have life eternal. Christ died to his human desire for the easy way out to the point of literally sweating blood.

2339 Chastity includes an *apprenticeship in self-mastery *which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. (Catechism of the Catholic Church)

2342 Self-mastery is a long and exacting work. One can never consider it acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life. The effort required can be more intense in certain periods, such as when the personality is being formed during childhood and adolescence. (CCC)

1804 Human virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct according to reason and faith. They make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life. The virtuous man is he who freely practices the good.

The moral virtues are acquired by human effort. They are the fruit and seed of morally good acts; they dispose all the powers of the human being for communion with divine love. (CCC)

 

[pilot]

While I respect the fact that it is difficult, I disagree with the poster that prayer can not be very effective in this regard.

I think part of the struggle is that we fall into what we believe we need as opposed to being focused on what we can give.

When I realize that one of my chief roles is to help my spouse and family (both through prayer and my own example) get to heaven, and when I focus on the fact that my marriage is a witness of Christ’s love for the Church, then my own needs seem to take their proper place in the scheme of things. And in that self-denial, I find a tremendous freedom from a need of the moment, and feel overwhelmed with a love for my wife, and the graces we’ve received in my marriage.

I’m not making light of the struggle. The very act of self denial makes those moments of intimacy much more treasured. Our love has deepened in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and best of all it “feels” like a love that is centered in Christ.

Prayer, and lots of communication with ones spouse is the answer, I think. The prayer brings into focus that I am to be in my behavior towards my wife what Christ is to the Church, willing to lay down my life for her. And when I willingly embrace that mindset, I find my love continues to grow.

May God bless you!

Amen to that!! You must be a great husband to your wife. I am going to show this to my husband as well. The only difference with my husband and could be with some other men, is that you can’t give what you don’t have. If they are not grounded and rooted in Christ, they can’t give the witness and example to Christ that they need too. I think the closer one tries to get to Jesus, the more he will be able to give Jesus to others and most importantly to his wife and kids. I use to ask the teenagers I taught in CCD this question," How do you get to know a new friend really well?" You talk to them. You listen to them. Ask them about themselves. You spend time with them. We do the same with Jesus and the asking about him by reading his words in the Bible. Talking and listening to him in prayer. Spending time with Him in Holy Holy. Again I say that you can’t give what you don’t have.

If the OP doesn’t have a good solid prayer life to fall on during this struggle, it will be an even harder struggle for him or any man. I am not saying it is not a struggle for my husband struggles with it also, as I think most men do.

 

[Little_Flower]

Janet Smith has some great tapes on the virtues of NFP, and compare and contrast type of things. Those who use NFP have a divorce rates of less than 5%! Many women who are constantly available to their husbands start to feel used, and intimacy can start to feel like just one more thing that is expected of them. This does not typically happen to NFP wives. So, while it is hard, it does bear fruit.

I don’t know how old you are, but speaking from personal experience, we actively used NFP for about 9 years. Then I finally realized that my reasons for using it were completely selfish, like a fitness goal! NFP had become Catholic contraception for us, as we had no grave reason to use it. It came down to the fact that I did not trust God with this part of our life/marriage. I constantly struggle to discern what God’s will if for me. Well, fertility is one area that I could completely let go of, and just turn over to Him, and feel confident that I would be in accord with His will. We did that over 9 years ago and lo and behold, I guess we have the perfect the number of children for us, since nothing has happened in those 9 years.

As for coping, might I suggest that you just try to put yourself back in the courtship mode? Go back to what you did when you dated. Find ways to express your love for each other that are not physical. I can tell you for me there is very little that says “I love you” as much as help with the dishes! Maybe your wife could do one of your chores for you. The nice part of the courtship phase of the cycle is that it is alway followed by the honeymoon. Couple to Couple League might also have some advise on coping strategies.

Good luck, and as my mother always says, “Offer it up!”

 

[Veritas41]

Get a copy of Christopher West’s “Theology of the Body for Beginners” or “Good News About Sex & Marriage.” I simply can’t put into words how learning the Theology ofthe Body has inspired me in appreciating the wisdom and beauty of God’s design in human sexuality. Sometimes seeing the big picture helps us put our struggles into proper perspective and helps them seem not so overwhelming and difficult. If you learned NFP through a teaching couple, it might be good to give them a call and ask them if they or other couples they know might be able to offer you some prayer support and encouragement.