Nieces don't call me "Aunt"

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LilyRose_8891

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I have two nieces by marriage. Ever since the older one was old enough to learn who’s who, she has called by husband by just his first name - not uncle. Her parents did not encourage her to call him uncle, and they refered to him as just his first name without saying uncle when talking to her about him. When I was dating my husband, his niece called me by just my first name, which was ok since I don’t suppose I was her aunt at that point. Six months before our wedding, his niece acquired a new baby sister. The older one was the flower girl in the wedding. I gave her a gift and card for being the flower girl and signed it “Aunt Lily” as a way to encourage her to call me aunt. (I have also done this a few times since then.) After the wedding, she still did not refer to me as aunt, only by my first name, and still does to this day. Her parents do not encourage her to do otherwise. Both my husband and I are called by our first names only - not aunt and uncle.

I guess there are underlying family issues that compound this. None of my in-laws were spectacularly friendly or welcoming to me when my husband first introduced me to them, and I’ve always felt intimidated by most of them. They sometimes aren’t exactly nice to my husband either. My sister-in-law refers to her own brother and his wife as aunt and uncle, but not my husband and me. She also refers to friends of hers as aunt and uncle, and they are not even related to them. 🤷

I’ve told my husband how I feel about things, and he refers to me as aunt around our nieces and their parents, but it doesn’t seem to “stick.” They seem to say everything except aunt . Over thanksgiving, my sister-in-law said to my older niece, “If you want more to drink, ask Miss Lily.” Really? Where did that come from? What is so difficult about saying “Aunt Lily”?

I’ve thought about just saying, “I want to be called Aunt Lily.” What makes it tough is the intimidation I get from my in-laws, especially my sister-in-law who is my niece’s mother.

The younger niece is going to be turning two years old soon, and I want her to know me as Aunt from the beginning. Any suggestions on how to tactfully say I want to be called aunt?
 
If that’s anything like your name, I think “Aunt Lily” is really pretty and euphonious. I’m not surprised that you’d like to be called that.

Just keep saying “Call me Aunt Lily, honey,” and don’t take it personally if the parents don’t enforce this.

My parents always had us say “Aunt Firstname” and “Uncle Firstname,” but my cousins often just used first names. I like the use of “Aunt Firstname” and “Uncle Firstname” because I think it gives kids some help in figuring out what the familial relationships are. I also like having the kids call grandparents “Grandma Firstname” or “Grandma Lastname.”
 
Is it possible that you are called by first name because that is what your nieces hear you called? I called my mother by her first name and called my grandmother mom until I started school. I called them what I heard everyone else in the family call them shrug. When my first grade teacher tried to explain to me that (insert mom’s first name here) is my mom, I replied that I knew that and love her very much. Eventually I did call her mom and grandma became just that but there was no slight, malice or disrespect. My mind would have been boggled had someone suggested otherwise.
 
I’ve never called my aunts and uncles by “aunt fill in the blank name” or “uncle fill in the blank name” and neither does my son when addressing my brothers and sisters. When I see my aunts and uncles, it’s a hey “Joe six pack” with a hand shake or with an aunt, it’s hey “Jane Doe” with a hug.
 
captainrick said:
You might add: “And tell your parents that letting their children call adults by their first names is rude and disrespectful.”
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This is what bothers me. Titles like aunt and uncle signify respect for your elders. You wouldn’t call your parents or grandparents by their first name. Wouldn’t aunts and uncles deserve the same respect?

I’m not sure if my nieces even have a realization that I am their aunt, especially since their other aunt is refered to as “Aunt Firstname” and I am not.
 
Miss_Felicity said:
Is it possible that you are called by first name because that is what your nieces hear you called? I called my mother by her first name and called my grandmother mom until I started school. I called them what I heard everyone else in the family call them shrug. When my first grade teacher tried to explain to me that (insert mom’s first name here) is my mom, I replied that I knew that and love her very much. Eventually I did call her mom and grandma became just that but there was no slight, malice or disrespect. My mind would have been boggled had someone suggested otherwise.
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I’m sure you meant no disrespect to your mom and grandmother. However, I do wonder why your mother didn’t gently say, “Call me Mom, sweetie.” or something like that. It’s up to parents to teach their children such things. That’s why it bothers me that my nieces parents do not tell them to call us aunt and uncle.
 
It sounds like you’re already doing what’s best – I mean your husband saying "Your Aunt Lily … " when speaking to the nieces, and likewise your saying "Your Uncle _____ … "

Hopefully they will start, at least occasionally, calling you Aunt Lily.
 
LilyRose_8891 said:
This is what bothers me. Titles like aunt and uncle signify respect for your elders. You wouldn’t call your parents or grandparents by their first name. Wouldn’t aunts and uncles deserve the same respect?

I’m not sure if my nieces even have a realization that I am their aunt, especially since their other aunt is refered to as “Aunt Firstname” and I am not.
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i thik there is more of an underlying problem here, which you mentioned yourself. if your in-laws don’t like you, their kids will pick on that. and they won’t make much effort to insert resepctful titles. seems like that’s the case, because i do know families where everyone just goest by first name with no formalities and no one cares. but ath’s not your situation i’m feeling. maybe you need to talk to your husband about it more, or discuss it with your in-laws. if you think it’ll go over badly, keep trying subtly with the girls but it may just be something you’ll just need to bear if it doesn’t happen. i’ll say some prayers for you
 
LilyRose_8891 said:
I’m sure you meant no disrespect to your mom and grandmother. However, I do wonder why your mother didn’t gently say, “Call me Mom, sweetie.” or something like that. It’s up to parents to teach their children such things. That’s why it bothers me that my nieces parents do not tell them to call us aunt and uncle.
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I was thinking the same thing. In fact, this is how we end up with dads who call their wives “mama” and vice versa. As a way of instructing the children. My dad never called mama by her name unless he was making fun of her, or was upset. Mama was mama to everyone. 😉

But, back to the OP: Unfortunately it sounds like this family has never accepted you, and has no plans to. Hence, the "we’ll just call her by her name, to let her know that she’s not “kin” to us. Nice folks. 😦 If they treated me like that, I wouldn’t bother with it.
 
LilyRose_8891 said:
I’m sure you meant no disrespect to your mom and grandmother. However, I do wonder why your mother didn’t gently say, “Call me Mom, sweetie.” or something like that. It’s up to parents to teach their children such things. That’s why it bothers me that my nieces parents do not tell them to call us aunt and uncle.
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It didn’t matter to them I don’t think. My cousin called my mother by a loving nickname until she was in mid teens. There were aunts and uncles that I called aunt and uncle without fail and they were usually my great aunts and uncles again because thats what I heard them called. The ones who would be uncomfortable otherwise, my mother made sure I called aunt or uncle, but those were the distant relatives who I saw once or twice a year. My closest family never bothered much with what they were called.
 
Some families just don’t use ‘Aunt ______’ and ‘Uncle ______’. I never did with my aunts and uncles, though when I spoke of them I called them “My aunt ______”. I don’t think that those titles signify respect so much as intimacy. My husband and I have a couple of really close friends that will probably be called ‘Aunt _____’ and ‘Uncle ______’ while the kids are toddlers, but I don’t think it will continue past the age when it’s cute to use them. And I can’t imagine our kids referring to any of our siblings as ‘Aunt/Uncle’ because although we love them and get along with them, we just don’t have a close enough relationship to warrant that.

I don’t recommend that you tell the kids to call you guys by those titles. At that point you’ll be putting them between you and their parents, and their parents will (and should) win every time. If you feel that being called by your first name is disrespectful, you can request ‘Mr/Mrs.’, but I don’t think that it’s your place to force such an intimate title on someone else’s kids.
 
I call all my aunts and uncles, “Aunt so-and-so” and “Uncle so-and-so,” except for one couple. My uncle is the blood relative and he is only 7 years older than me. We grew up together more like brother and sister than uncle and niece. His wife is only five years older than me and she is more like sister-in-law/best friend. There are a few months where my husband and my aunt are the same age. lol. We are so close in age that my little cousin was confused that I wasn’t HIS aunt. haha. We had to explain to him when he was a little older.
OP, are y’all close in age? Maybe that’s why they don’t call you aunt?
 
I have I don’t know how many nieces and nephews, a ton, being from a family of 11, and they all seem to call me…Aunt…

It seems a very important issue to you.

It could be sort of like, in Spanish, is the difference between being referred to as “tú” and “Usted” (difference between formal and familiar). When in Mexican culture, I was taught that “tú” designates informality. “Usted” is used for elders, authority, etc., designates respect. It’s considered rude here to speak to an older person using “tú”.

Once, when I used to go to yoga (I no longer go now), I’d use “usted”, the formal form with all kinds of people. Yoga was telling us we were all equals. They kept correcting me, telling me to use “tú”, instead (tutear). Okay, with one lady, I tried to use “tú”, and she actually got angry with me, asking me if I was addressing her. I, a foreigner, realized my error, immediately switched back to “usted”.

Now, I just think you want to establish a kind of relationship you have, to set the tone. So, that’d be good to do, now, as you say, so that the younger generation can get in on the change from the ground floor.

A name is very important. What we are called DOES make a big difference. So, just try your best to gently and politely explain how much this would mean to you if they would all call you “aunt”. If they still won’t call you “aunt”, then you at least did your best.

Explain to each one, and the ones who respect you will call you “Aunt…”. The ones who don’t, won’t.
 
I can’t imagine going to someone who told me to address them as “Aunt…” and then addressing them any other way. I’d just say, “Sure!”
 
When my nieces and nephews were little, they would sometimes just use my first name, most probably because they only ever heard their parents call me by my first name. I would just playfully say “hey, took me a lot of hard work to earn that title ‘Aunty’!” and they got the hint. 🙂

Bit more difficult when said nieces and nephews are related to you by marriage rather than blood, much more so when they are adults as well. Not much more you can do except perhaps sit them down and explain how it upsets you.
 
ClearWater said:
I can’t imagine going to someone who told me to address them as “Aunt…” and then addressing them any other way. I’d just say, “Sure!”
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I cant’t imagine making a big deal out if how my nieces and nephews choose to address me. The old phrase “pick your battle” seems appropriate.
 
We don’t always use “aunt” or “uncle” in our family. The kids are all young though and are lucky if they remember our first names.
 
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