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Portlandgirl
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As long as they are respectful that is all that is important.
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EasterJoy
Guest
When you encourage your children to address the aunts and uncles on one side of the family as “Aunt” and “Uncle” and even encourage them to call some of your friends “Aunt” and “Uncle” and then neglect to do so for your brother and his wife, that is a snub. It is hard to imagine that it isn’t a purposeful snub, particularly since this family has not taken the trouble to make their SIL feel a part of the family in other ways, and if anything the opposite. (How their children got to be included in the wedding is a fair question…)
It is time for one brother to ask the other “What’s up with that? If you’re trying to hint that you’d rather your children get too cozy with us, you might have just said so up front.” The time for that was ideally as soon as the brother realized he was being snubbed, but it is not to late to ask. It is also fair for the wife to ask her husband if he asked not to be referred to as an uncle at any point.
If the brother doesn’t want to confront his brother about it, though, as a wife I’d just let it go and conclude that this couple is telling me they don’t want any more contact with me than necessary to keep from getting written out of their parents’ will. I’d advocate in favor the more direct questioning, but that’s just me. If my husband resisted, I’d drop it. Sometimes fools rush in where angels fear to tread, after all.
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St_Francis
Guest
Pick the in-law you feel closest to and mention it to them in a very easy sort of way. My children call my brother Uncle X because he told my mother that he really wanted to be called that (I was the first to have children) and she told me. My sister, OTOH, didn’t care so she is just called Y.I have two nieces by marriage. Ever since the older one was old enough to learn who’s who, she has called by husband by just his first name - not uncle. Her parents did not encourage her to call him uncle, and they refered to him as just his first name without saying uncle when talking to her about him. When I was dating my husband, his niece called me by just my first name, which was ok since I don’t suppose I was her aunt at that point. Six months before our wedding, his niece acquired a new baby sister. The older one was the flower girl in the wedding. I gave her a gift and card for being the flower girl and signed it “Aunt Lily” as a way to encourage her to call me aunt. (I have also done this a few times since then.) After the wedding, she still did not refer to me as aunt, only by my first name, and still does to this day. Her parents do not encourage her to do otherwise. Both my husband and I are called by our first names only - not aunt and uncle.
I guess there are underlying family issues that compound this. None of my in-laws were spectacularly friendly or welcoming to me when my husband first introduced me to them, and I’ve always felt intimidated by most of them. They sometimes aren’t exactly nice to my husband either. My sister-in-law refers to her own brother and his wife as aunt and uncle, but not my husband and me. She also refers to friends of hers as aunt and uncle, and they are not even related to them.
I’ve told my husband how I feel about things, and he refers to me as aunt around our nieces and their parents, but it doesn’t seem to “stick.” They seem to say everything except aunt . Over thanksgiving, my sister-in-law said to my older niece, “If you want more to drink, ask Miss Lily.” Really? Where did that come from? What is so difficult about saying “Aunt Lily”?
I’ve thought about just saying, “I want to be called Aunt Lily.” What makes it tough is the intimidation I get from my in-laws, especially my sister-in-law who is my niece’s mother.
The younger niece is going to be turning two years old soon, and I want her to know me as Aunt from the beginning. Any suggestions on how to tactfully say I want to be called aunt?
My mother was an only child of an only child who didn’t see her aunts and uncles much, so this was never a big thing in our family, esp as we used her mother’s nickname rather than Grandmother or any diminuitive thereof! (Young grandmother who didn’t want to be identified as such
).So I totally would not link this with any other problem your in-laws may have accepting you. It may be that those other aunts and uncles made their desire known, and they think *you *don’t care!
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holyrood
Guest
I never called my aunts and uncles Aunt So and So, always just by their first names. My nephews have always just called me by my first name. It’s just the way it was done in our family.
It sounds to me like maybe you grew up with Aunt So and So, and more importantly, that there are other, underlying issues with this family that makes this particular issue feel like disrespect.
It sounds to me like maybe you grew up with Aunt So and So, and more importantly, that there are other, underlying issues with this family that makes this particular issue feel like disrespect.
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LongingSoul
Guest
This was the initial thought that came to my mind. If I was you, I’d make a point of addressing myself in the way I wanted to be addressed for eg. when writing a note or card, end with love from Aunty Lily. Or in their company I’d say to the older neice ‘come and show Aunty Lily (or Uncle Husband) what you drew’. I’d just do it over and over and if it still didn’t stick, I’d let it go. It’s a different world we live in. My cousins and I are now into our 50’s and we still call all our aunts and uncles by their title (or zio and zia on the Italian side). My nephews and nieces have always called me aunty until last year when my oldest nephew began being the day manager of the doctors reception where I go to the GP. Suddenly, he began calling me only by my first name as I came into the surgery. It was such a shock at first, but meh, you get over it soon enough.
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Peter_J
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Doesn’t seem to me that these speculations are helpful or appropriate. (Neither of you were there, right?)
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EasterJoy
Guest
That is my thinking, since her husband has made a point of referring to her as Aunt Lily and yet no one is catching on to that. It is hard to believe that a family that even refers to friends of the family as “Aunt” and “Uncle” are that thick. It is possible, however, that theS SIL is intimidating without a real intention to intimidate her on her part, and it is totally possible that the in-laws wrongly got the idea somewhere that the OP and her husband do not really want to be called “Aunt” and “Uncle”, and that the husband is just teasing the OP by referring to her that way. It is also possible that the OP and her husband are young, and the in-laws don’t want to be called “Aunt” or “Uncle” themselves until they are a lot older. Those are among the charitable assumptions, and (to be blunt) at least acting as if you are making the charitable assumption is the better way to reach the desired end in this case, both from the truly loving and the frankly Machiavellian point of view.
If her husband asks his brother about this point-blank, he should do so as if the brother has merely missed their signals, and not as if it is willful. I would say that even if they know for a fact that it is! To say it is willful invites a confrontation. To say that it is not willful implies that it cannot be believed that there is any passive aggression behind this misunderstanding. One of the best ways to nip passive aggression is to kindly act as if you believe the aggressor is too kind to resort to it. That usually prevents any open show of aggression.
The husband ought to tell his brother up front that he and his wife would like it if the brother and SIL refer to them as “Aunt” and “Uncle” around the children, just as they do the aunts and uncles on the other side of the family. I’d even suggest he apologize if they ever gave any indication that they would not welcome this intimate form of address, so as to save face for the parents. There are many “intimidating” people who will go a long ways with covert forms of aggression who are not courageous enough to be openly rude. When someone asks about their covert try to do an end run around good manners as if it were actually a mere oversight, they drop it as if it were merely a mistake, and comply with good manners rather than risk being openly aggressive in front of the rest of the family to someone who have only shown kindness to them. The advantage of this method, of course, is that if the mistake was actually honest the approach is still appropriate. It is the far safer course, and far less likely to cause a rift in the family.
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EasterJoy
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Are we to conclude that the OP doesn’t know her own feelings about how she has been treated, though? Maybe she is wrong, but maybe she is right. Sometimes we feel as if our in-laws don’t like us because they’ve gone out of their way to make the point. Even if she is wrong, her feelings can’t be discounted entirely. She ought to be willing to believe that she has interpreted the actions of others wrongly, but based on what she has described, the possibility that this is purposeful does not sound paranoid to me. It is a possibility that ought to be considered, even if she does well to try not to believe it.
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Peter_J
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I’m afraid you misread my post. I’m not objecting to anything LilyRose said; I’m objecting to speculations based on what she said.
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EasterJoy
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My mistake! Apologies…yes. Still, it is not a wild speculation to *wonder *if there is not a lot more going on here than just the matter of whether the in-laws know how she would like to be addressed. It cannot be concluded, though, no. They may have hurt her feelings without realizing it. (For instance, sometimes someone having a bad day will take it out on an innocent bystander, and of course the bystander thinks the abuse was aimed at them because they are not liked, rather than that they were “standing in the wrong place at the wrong time” or inadvertently got on the wrong side of an unseen battle line.)
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Peter_J
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pianistclare
Guest
I guess there are underlying family issues that compound this. None of my in-laws were spectacularly friendly or welcoming to me when my husband first introduced me to them, and I’ve always felt intimidated by most of them. They sometimes aren’t exactly nice to my husband either."
^ This is what the OP said. I didn’t pull it out of nowhere.
I’m not being uncharitable. Sometimes the poster answers their own question though. Sounds like they are mean to her. She feels it.
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EasterJoy
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Still, while it is wise to be aware that their motives and intentions might not be the best, it is both charitable to hope that they are truly good and politically wise to pretend as if they come out of nothing but the font of kindness!
No argument there.
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paq0424
Guest
I have been married for more than forty years and have nephews and nieces through the marriage who do not call me aunt though they call my spouse uncle. My spouse corrects them to no avail. Today one niece phoned my spouse and referred to me by my first name. My spouse wasn’t home and I told her I would have him call her. I hung up and then decided to call her back. I asked her if it was ok to ask her a question. She said, sure. I said if I am the wife of your uncle what does that make me? She was silent. I said it makes me your aunt and I want to be called aunt. She apologized and I accepted the apology and left the message for my spouse. Directness is difficult and you can open a hornet’s nest. You need to take action that you feel comfortable with. I guess you just need to examine your conscience and ask God how to proceed. Unfortunately I waited 40 plus years to take action and in retrospect I should have prayed on it before dialing. I don’t regret the action, but I do regret not praying on it before taking action.
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EasterJoy
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Does your husband care? If his family doesn’t use “Aunt” and “Uncle,” I resign myself to letting this pass (although I’d still sign cards “Aunt”). If he also cares, then I’d have him make this point to the children–“try again, and this time call us Aunt Lily and Uncle Jim.”
It is usually best to let the blood relative take the lead on these family matters.
It is usually best to let the blood relative take the lead on these family matters.
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paq0424
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You are correct, the blood relative should take the lead and he has and his wishes have been ignored by his nieces and nephews, thus I brought it directly to the attention of the niece.
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EasterJoy
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Oh, in that case I’d good-naturedly correct them directly every time, although without making any particularly big deal of it, whether they called me by my first name or substituted some version of “hey, you”:
“That is Aunt Lily to you, sweet pea. So how can I help you?”
The answer to “why” is “I just do. Since I actually *am *your aunt, it is not a lot to ask. You’re a bright kid and you’re a nice kid, too. You can do it.” If you are challenged about why this is a big deal, I’d counter with asking why it is a big deal to avoid doing it, since most of us want to address others in the way they prefer?
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Psalm98
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Another old thread re-opened by a new member. 
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babochka
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I have a similar situation in my family. I call all of my aunts and uncles “aunt” and “uncle”, except for one. My mom has 2 younger half-brothers. They are 10 and 11 years older than me. Her mother’s son, I call uncle. I grew up seeing him on a more regular basis and have that sort of relationship with him. I do not call his wife aunt. I was over 30 when they were married and it never really felt right. The other uncle, the child of my mom’s dad and stepmother, who is 10 years older than me, I call by his first name and always have. I saw him occasionally growing up, but I just never had that sort of relationship with him. Now, I only call him uncle when I want to make him feel old. (I’m 45, he’s 55.) My children also call him by his first name, probably because I do. They only see him once every few years and have no real relationship with him. He had a younger brother who was 3 years older than me. The younger brother died when we were both teenagers. We saw each other fairly regularly growing up and were more like cousins. I also never called him uncle, except to tease. I think the bottom line is that my mom did not think of her father and step-mother’s children as her brothers in the same way, because she was not raised with them. It was reflected in the fact that we were not taught to call them “uncle”.
In my husband’s family, they never use aunt or uncle and I was a bit taken aback by it at first. I really didn’t expect the nieces and nephews to call me “aunt” because I married into the family when they were older, but I was really surprised that they didn’t call my husband uncle. I guess it is just family culture.
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HopenHappiness
Guest
Hi,
I guess I am old school and think it is a matter of respect. All my nieces and nephews call me Auntie, and my great nieces and and nephews call me Great Auntie, and they address my husband Uncle ___. They learned quickly, if they wanted my attention or an answer from me they would call me Aunt ___ or Auntie. When they turn 18 I tell them that they can call us by our first name, but they won’t they said Auntie and Uncle fit better.
I also do not tolerate anyone under the age of 18 addressing me by my first name, I find that disrespectful also. While our last name is hard and complicated, I made it simple they can call me Miss ___ or Mr ___. (Or some of my sons close friends growing up would call me Mom, because they were at our house so often, and I treated them like my sons.) Again, if they want my attention the conform quickly. And again, I tell neighbor kids or friends kids at 18 they can call me by our first names and they won’t.
Nothing makes my skin crawl more then seeing a 3 year old addressing a grown adult by their first name. And don’t tell me to pick my battles, it is a matter of respect or lack of respect taught to them by their parents.
Here is a story about pick your battles, son stops going to church and is disrespectful to parents, parents thinks he’s going through phase and they need to pick their battles and feels this will pass. Son dyes hair, parents say we need to pick our battles and let it go not important enough. Then son gets piercing, parents say we need to pick our battles and lets this one go also not important enough. Son then is failing in school, school suspects alcohol and or drug use, parents say our son is not drinking or doing drugs, and he can make up his work at summer school, just going through tough year, still not important enough to pick that battle with him. 4 months later son steals car, is both drunk and High wraps car around telephone pole, kills himself and a friend. I am willing to bet that they wished that they had picked their battle from the beginning. To many parents are trying to be friends to their children, but the truth be known our role is to help guide them to adulthood. Once they reach adulthood and move on out, then you can develop your friendship.
Ok off my soap box
I guess I am old school and think it is a matter of respect. All my nieces and nephews call me Auntie, and my great nieces and and nephews call me Great Auntie, and they address my husband Uncle ___. They learned quickly, if they wanted my attention or an answer from me they would call me Aunt ___ or Auntie. When they turn 18 I tell them that they can call us by our first name, but they won’t they said Auntie and Uncle fit better.
I also do not tolerate anyone under the age of 18 addressing me by my first name, I find that disrespectful also. While our last name is hard and complicated, I made it simple they can call me Miss ___ or Mr ___. (Or some of my sons close friends growing up would call me Mom, because they were at our house so often, and I treated them like my sons.) Again, if they want my attention the conform quickly. And again, I tell neighbor kids or friends kids at 18 they can call me by our first names and they won’t.
Nothing makes my skin crawl more then seeing a 3 year old addressing a grown adult by their first name. And don’t tell me to pick my battles, it is a matter of respect or lack of respect taught to them by their parents.
Here is a story about pick your battles, son stops going to church and is disrespectful to parents, parents thinks he’s going through phase and they need to pick their battles and feels this will pass. Son dyes hair, parents say we need to pick our battles and let it go not important enough. Then son gets piercing, parents say we need to pick our battles and lets this one go also not important enough. Son then is failing in school, school suspects alcohol and or drug use, parents say our son is not drinking or doing drugs, and he can make up his work at summer school, just going through tough year, still not important enough to pick that battle with him. 4 months later son steals car, is both drunk and High wraps car around telephone pole, kills himself and a friend. I am willing to bet that they wished that they had picked their battle from the beginning. To many parents are trying to be friends to their children, but the truth be known our role is to help guide them to adulthood. Once they reach adulthood and move on out, then you can develop your friendship.
Ok off my soap box
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