no christmas?

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JLCecilia

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I must say that I’ve had these feelings myself in the past, but never in my wildest imagination thought I’d see the day that they came to fruition . . .at someone else’s request.

Tonight, DH’s extended family went out for a big supper to celebrate an upcoming wedding. Afterwards, his oldest brother pulled DH and the other brother and us wives over to ask how we felt about only doing gifts for the kids and not drawing names for us adults (3 grown sons and us wives). Everyone agreed, but I just can’t believe it!!!

Here we are, getting ready to welcome our 3rd in 3 years, we’re a struggling young couple just starting out. We pay our bills but can’t save much, however we try to live within our means and right now we’re just in a phase of our life which requires a lot of sacrifice. We don’t get out much, but we can pay our bills and feed and clothe our family - honestly we live quite comfortably, but without a great deal of debt. We would love to have and do all the nice things that DH’s brothers and their wives do, but it’s just not our time yet.

It just kills me how of all people to make this request it’s coming from the oldest brother. They have one kid, who BTW they were just talking about at supper buying a flat screen for his own room upstairs!!! They have a t.v. in just about every room of their house, mom gets her hair and nails done about every few weeks, not to mention shopping and out of state trips to attend music concerts (madonna, janet jackson and such) . . .

Of all people to gripe about how tight things are and yet here we are fully prepared to provide Christmas for everyone on the list! Without going into debt! Oh well, I guess we’ll finally be able to get gifts for ourselves this year - a first in 4 years of marriage.

Just feel like they’re being cheap. We’ll visit a few months after Christmas and they’ll be bragging about all the over-the-top things they bought for their one child that he’s already sick of instead of forgoing just one or two gifts in order to participate in the family drawing!

God, help me to let this go!!!
 
Our family hasn’t had that issue, but my grandmother on my mom’s side is an issue. She has 3 kids, 2 daughters and a son. The son is a senior partner at a law firm in Orange County who makes at least $250,000 a year. Her other daughter is married to a big shot at Boeing who probably makes 6 figures. They travel to Hawaii and other places multiple times a year, just bought a new mini mansion house, etc.

Then there’s my mom who barely scrapes by making about $32,000. My parents are divorced and she works a tough job for not much money just to pay the bills. She goes on 1 weekend retreat a year and that’s her only vacation. Her mom is so worried about being “fair” that it’s almost ludicrous. She used to give all her children $1,000 at Christmas. $1,000 for my uncle and aunt is basically pocket change. Now, my grandma decided she didn’t want to spend that much anymore so she decided to cut them all down to $200.
 
I understand that you’re frustrated and wanting to vent (everyone should be allowed to do that now and again). But from my perspective, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Christmas isn’t about giving gifts. And this arrangement works out better for you financially. So send them nice greeting cards and let them waste their money however they see fit. You’ll find it much more satisfying to raise your children and watch them grow than they will to watch their new TVs.
 
I don’t understand what the problem is.

You really can’t assume that anyone is doing well financially from their expenditures and living styles. There are a lot of “poor” people who are better off (on paper) than we are!

For years, my husband and I have not purchased Christmas gifts for family members other than each other and our two daughters (and our new son-in-law).

Instead, we offer the gift of time. We rent an old Victorian home out in the country for a few days (I started paying for it last spring–it’s $500 a day, in case you’re wondering), and then we invite everyone to spend time with us. Our immediate family (MIL and FIL, BIL and wife and kids, SIL and wife and kids) actually stay overnight. Other family members come for a huge dinner party that we host.

Everyone loves this. And it’s a lot cheaper for us than buying a gift for everyone. (Our family has never been able to get into “drawing names.” Years ago, we tried, and almost everyone ended up buying gifts for everyone anyway.)

Before we learned about the availability of the Victorian home, we rented hotel conference rooms (for a dinner) and suites, or we took everyone out for an evening at a dinner theater. Again, much cheaper and more satisfying than material gifts.

We just decided years ago that all of us have enough “stuff.” It’s the time together that we need most.

We are not poor, at least if people look at our spending. My daughters both attended a private prep school, and private colleges. Both daughters were involved in figure skating and travelled all over the world with their synchronized skating team. My husband is now involved in figure skating as a competitor.

So you might think, “Wow, they’re rich! They can afford gifts AND time! So why not buy both?”

Well, not really. We are thousands of dollars in debt, and we keep putting off a necessary redo of our bathroom (someday our floor will probably cave in and that’s how I will die–naked and wet in the basement!).

You really don’t know how “well off” other people are. Sometimes they are in hock up to their eyebrows. They shouldn’t be buying new TVs for their kids, but perhaps they have a way of paying for it that makes it cheaper than Christmas gifts.

And it could just be that they are a little ashamed of getting still more material gifts when they already have everything they want. I have to admit, that’s the way we all feel. We really don’t deny ourselves much during the year (going out to eat, books, “toys,” travel, etc.). So why collect more stuff?

BTW, my husband and I are totally at peace about our spending habits. We’ve been married 30 years, and we went through our time of trying to stay out of debt, of sticking to a budget, of establishing an “envelope” system, etc. We read all the Christian money books. We did all the things that many of you are doing now to be Christianly financially responsible.

When the kids started figure skating, all that went out the window.

Unless you are a doctor, lawyer, CEO, or some other highly-payed professional, you won’t be able to figure skate at the level that our family was involved AND stay debt-free. We chose debt. We would rather have ice. Until old age robs us of our memories, we’ll have the most wonderful memories of anyone in the state-run nursing home!

Also, our city was hit with a deseg lawsuit that turned our public schools into a huge, liberal social experiment. Our schools have such an abysmal academic record on the standardized test that at one point, over two-thirds of the schools were on the State’s “danger list.” Since education was important to us, we chose the private prep school, in spite of the expense. Looking back, we should have moved. But we didn’t realize that the lawsuit would drag on for more than 20 years.

I realize that many of you would have chosen a more “wise” course financially than we did. But we’re happy with our choices.

One more BTW–it IS possible to figure skate without going into debt IF you stick with purely recreational figure skating. Even that’s expensive, but it’s at least feasible for many regular families. Also, synchronized skating is generally much cheaper than singles skating (Singles, Pairs, or Dance). I highly recommend the sport of figure skating as a great family activity. We loved the sport and still do. We did recreational AND competitive figure skating, so that’s one reason it was so expensive for us. We did it all. The only discipline my kids didn’t do was Pairs because they’re not little peanuts.
 
JLCecilia said:
I Just feel like they’re being cheap. !!
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I may also be that they are being considerate of your situation and trying to reduce what may be a financial burden on you. Unless you know for a fact their motivation is unkind you may be causing yourself unnecessary resentment by making that assumption, not a good feeling to take into the holidays.

Our family did away with interfamily gift giving years ago, when we all had young families, and instead have tried to build some meaningful traditions into the season, so our time together is more than sitting around the living room opening gifts and saying ooh and ah. When our mom died we instead agreed to support her favorite charity, and do things like toboganning, cross country skiing, cider and popcorn (an important childhood memory for us), helping at the holiday dinners served to the homeless by that charity, and so forth.

Now with our kids we do the same, since travel is so difficult in December, we have Christmas in July, and there are inexpensive fun gifts for the kids built around a theme (dollar store stuff), but the activity is a wide game or something the girls plan together. Our gifts to our grandkids are those of experiences, rather than things–memberships to museums and zoos and science centers they use a lot, and special trips we do together when we visit them. This year oldest granddaughter came down here on spring break, which is the start of a new tradition, I hope. Other relatives gave her cute little things to help her trip–a bottle of sunscreen, dollar store flip-flops which they decorated, stocking-stuffer type stuff.

All of us do, in our own towns, what we did when they were at home, find a Salvation Army or Franciscan soup kitchen and help serve at the holiday dinners or in some other way. And some of us just watch football. oh well.
 
puzzleannie said:
It may also be that they are being considerate of your situation and trying to reduce what may be a financial burden on you.

I have very high doubts about this - he would have asked us point blank if it were for our benefit - and DH who knows more than me agrees that this has nothing to do with our situation but more about his brother pleasing his high-maintenance wife. I have no doubt that there will be ample discussion over the coming months and the truth will be disclosed and the oldest brother will be vetoed. I know we’re supposed to give the benefits of the doubt, but if you knew this guy, he’s a bit of a baby about stuff. I’ll be curious to see if they don’t buy gifts for ANY of the small children in the extended family (there are 9 altogether). It kills me too b/c all of the other families (aunts, uncles and cousins [including one family w/ 7 children] will be buying for THEIR son and it sounds as if they have no intention to reciprocate).

But, oh well - I’ll have some extra money to buy some much-needed items for the new babe since nobody throws baby showers anymore for subsequent children.

Yes, I am looking forward to adopting a family through our local Beacon at Christmastime in the coming years. I really don’t ever see us just lavishing gifts upon gifts upon each one of our children. I figure one from mom and dad, one from Jesus and then we can take them each to pick out something little for each other. My thinking is just how much stuff they get from DH’s extended family. Besides that, we’re going to have 2 birthdays in December to boot, but as long as we set our annual budget ahead of time to cover this, all should be well. I kind of think the little ones in December are at an advantage b/c they’ll be off from school and we can take them to the post-holiday sales to get more for their buck if they so choose.

On my side growing up we always had stockings too which were mainly just for our favorite candy and then necessities like socks and underwear. I’m thinking my 3yo is old enough this year to understand St.Nicholas day, so I’ll probably do like a saint’s medal necklace and prayer card and some candy in the shoes this year.

We’ll see how this all transpires.
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JLCecilia said:
I must say that I’ve had these feelings myself in the past, but never in my wildest imagination thought I’d see the day that they came to fruition . . .at someone else’s request.

Tonight, DH’s extended family went out for a big supper to celebrate an upcoming wedding. Afterwards, his oldest brother pulled DH and the other brother and us wives over to ask how we felt about only doing gifts for the kids and not drawing names for us adults (3 grown sons and us wives). Everyone agreed, but I just can’t believe it!!!..Just feel like they’re being cheap. …God, help me to let this go!!!
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Regardless of the reason the suggestion of foregoing gifts for adults was made, you may come to appreciate it. You’re a mom with young children and should be aquainted with Dr. Suess. Allow me to quote from “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”

"…Ever Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!..

‘It came without ribbons! It came without tages!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!’
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
‘Maybe Christmas’ he thought, "doesn’t come from a store.
‘Maybe Christmas…perhaps… means a little bit more!’ "
 
JLCecilia said:
puzzleannie;5748723:
It may also be that they are being considerate of your situation and trying to reduce what may be a financial burden on you.

I have very high doubts about this - he would have asked us point blank if it were for our benefit - and DH who knows more than me agrees that this has nothing to do with our situation but more about his brother pleasing his high-maintenance wife.
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Okay, so what is wrong with your BIL pleasing his high-maintenance wife??? I mean seriously, you look bad here, OP. You seem jealous. I think you should let this go. And just try to be kind and thankful that you don’t have to do the extra shopping at Christmastime.
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JLCecilia said:
I must say that I’ve had these feelings myself in the past, but never in my wildest imagination thought I’d see the day that they came to fruition . . .at someone else’s request.

Tonight, DH’s extended family went out for a big supper to celebrate an upcoming wedding. Afterwards, his oldest brother pulled DH and the other brother and us wives over to ask how we felt about only doing gifts for the kids and not drawing names for us adults (3 grown sons and us wives). Everyone agreed, but I just can’t believe it!!!

Here we are, getting ready to welcome our 3rd in 3 years, we’re a struggling young couple just starting out. We pay our bills but can’t save much, however we try to live within our means and right now we’re just in a phase of our life which requires a lot of sacrifice. We don’t get out much, but we can pay our bills and feed and clothe our family - honestly we live quite comfortably, but without a great deal of debt. We would love to have and do all the nice things that DH’s brothers and their wives do, but it’s just not our time yet.

It just kills me how of all people to make this request it’s coming from the oldest brother. They have one kid, who BTW they were just talking about at supper buying a flat screen for his own room upstairs!!! They have a t.v. in just about every room of their house, mom gets her hair and nails done about every few weeks, not to mention shopping and out of state trips to attend music concerts (madonna, janet jackson and such) . . .

Of all people to gripe about how tight things are and yet here we are fully prepared to provide Christmas for everyone on the list! Without going into debt! Oh well, I guess we’ll finally be able to get gifts for ourselves this year - a first in 4 years of marriage.

Just feel like they’re being cheap. We’ll visit a few months after Christmas and they’ll be bragging about all the over-the-top things they bought for their one child that he’s already sick of instead of forgoing just one or two gifts in order to participate in the family drawing!

God, help me to let this go!!!
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And you consider this a problem? I would be counting my blessings, instead of complaining. From experience, I know that a lot of gifts for adults, end up in garage sales or Goodwill bags. And teen agers are the unpleaseable. I’ll trade my shopping problems for yours anyday!
 
Indyann said:
And you consider this a problem? I would be counting my blessings, instead of complaining. From experience, I know that a lot of gifts for adults, end up in garage sales or Goodwill bags. And teen agers are the unpleaseable. I’ll trade my shopping problems for yours anyday!
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Yeah I would agree with this. Why do you want to be obligated to get multiple gifts for people, especially when your money is tight?

Focus on enjoying the holidays and use the money to buy things your family needs instead of wasting it on something the person you’re getting for probably won’t even want.

Or are you upset that you might not get gifts from others? Nothing to be upset about here either, unless your family members used to give you very expensive gifts of items you desperately needed.
 
I, too, don’t really see the problem. Less shopping to do!

We just don’t do much in the way of gifts, except to our daughters and sons-in-law, and haven’t for years. (No grandchildren yet, though, so that will likely change!) We do something practical for my Dad (who, at 89, doesn’t need “stuff”.) We also give small gifts (a yummy selection of coffees/teas/sweets) to my brothers and sister. Only one of them is in a position to reciprocate, but it just doesn’t matter.

We make several donations to favorite charities at Christmas, which seems a better use of $$$.
 
The adults in my family don’t exchange gifts at all. The unwritten rule is, one you’re in college and/or gainfully employed you’re an ‘adult’ and you probably have things you really need to spend your own money on rather than get a brother or sister or in law a gift they don’t really need. Sometimes I give cookies or something like that to my college age brothers, because they’re boys and they appreciate food:p They don’t need the pressure of having to buy me or my kids anything and don’t need to pressure of figuring out what they like.:confused: I guess to me what your family is suggesting is just ‘normal’.

I think gift giving is actually an important part of Christmas, BUT, don’t think the gifts have to be material necessarily. Last year my brother (boy was I shocked!) gave me coupon book of things he’d do to help me out…walk the dog, pick kids up from school, etc. Was more meaningful and useful to me than any scarf, or sweater.👍
 
I think I get where you’re coming from:
You’ve wanted to make the suggestion in the past because of your tight budget and wanting to be frugal.
Instead the suggestion came from people who are free spenders and overindulgent, and you see the suggestion as being miserly and cheap on their part.
Maybe so, but the end result is the same. You have less gifts to buy. And coming from them will feed their ego as to how they got out of having to buy gifts this year, instead of coming from you, the “poor relations who can’t afford to give them a gift” They won’t be able to call you cheap, you are just going along with what they decided.
 
JLCecilia said:
[Yes, I am looking forward to adopting a family through our local Beacon at Christmastime in the coming years. I really don’t ever see us just lavishing gifts upon gifts upon each one of our children. I figure one from mom and dad, one from Jesus and then we can take them each to pick out something little for each other. My thinking is just how much stuff they get from DH’s extended family. Besides that, we’re going to have 2 birthdays in December to boot, but as long as we set our annual budget ahead of time to cover this, all should be well. I kind of think the little ones in December are at an advantage b/c they’ll be off from school and we can take them to the post-holiday sales to get more for their buck if they so choose.

On my side growing up we always had stockings too which were mainly just for our favorite candy and then necessities like socks and underwear. I’m thinking my 3yo is old enough this year to understand St.Nicholas day, so I’ll probably do like a saint’s medal necklace and prayer card and some candy in the shoes this year.

We’ll see how this all transpires.
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these are great customs, I think if we can get our kids out of the greed thing we are making great progress.

our kids grandparents just give money for birthdays and Christmas, usually a dollar for each year of the child’s age, just enough for fun money. Great-grandma can’t do this anymore, and they don’t expect it, but she keeps Hallmark in business and they love her cards, she always finds exactly the right one for each child.

It is also possible that older BIL has a control issue, and it is not so much what he says but how he says it, our DD#1 sometimes comes across this way, even when her ideas are fantastic and we all like it, but her younger sibs sometimes feel she is still throwing her weight around.
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A lot of families are doing this now days and I think it’s a good thing. Christmas should be about the kids and not the adults. 😉
 
If this makes you feel upset, you’d really hate being apart of our families.

For many years gifts have been restricted (monetarily and otherwise) to parents, grandparents and little kids who still believe in Santa. I myself have not received a Christmas present in many years - nor do I want to or need to.

Our entire budget - including gifts, family meals & decorations is approx 200.00 - 300.00 and that’s if we splurge.

Once you do this for a few years, you’ll begin to question how the folks on Madison Ave have managed to get into the mindset of the ordeal of gift giving.

People generally get themselves what they really & truly need all year long as the needs arise. Stuff under a tree is generally just that - stuff.
 
I have an idea why dont you take the money that you would have spent on Christmas gifts and donate it to your prolife pregnancy center if you have one then your children would see the example and the maybe when they are old enough they might follow suit in fact that is what I do I take what I would have spent on gifts and donate it three ways one third to white rose crisis prolife pregnancy center one third to Catholic Charities and one third to catholic adoption agency and I dont have to worry about getting the wrong size
 
Well, I hate to suggest it, but isn’t it possible that the older brother isn’t concerned about his own budget, but yours?

My husband’s younger sister struggles a lot financially, and a few years ago, it wasn’t only her but also his younger brother who had been recently laid off. They were too proud to say anything about Christmas gifts, of course, so my husband went to each of them privately and suggested setting a limit on the “cousin” gifts (kid to kid) of $5 each. Then we got my husband’s aunt and uncle (hosting that year) to switch the adult drawing to an optional, fun, gag gifts event, which enabled people to bring cheap, homemade or garage sale/thrift store items.

Actually, this took a lot of stress off for everybody. It wasn’t a bad thing. So instead of thinking your brother-in-law is cheap, maybe he was just trying to be sensitive to other people’s situations.
 
Unwritten rule with my siblings is once we had kids we no longer bought gifts (Birthday or Christmas) for eachother 👍 We do still buy gifts for our parents, they are the only adults we buy for.
 
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