No communion for me

[rkberlin]

Peace!
I went to Mass today, after a big old fight with my estranged husband. We yelled at each other, cussed up a storm, accused each other, the works…This ended in him telling me that he’s got yet another affair going on, “not THAT serious” yet, but in the making. We’ve been living apart for over a year now, he’s been cheating on me for 11 years, starting the year I was pregnant with my little one. I didn’t know all this until later. So, anyway…I stormed off to Mass, almost ran over a bicyclist, called her a nice name and went to Mass. Hmm, I was sitting there, trying to examine my conscience, with tears in my eyes. Throughout the Mass, I wanted to run out and bawl, but my baby was serving, and I couldn’t just do that. So, instead I kept thinking of what dh might be up to just that moment- seeing this girl, being all nice and flirty, while he has nothing but contempt and hatred in his eyes for me?`I chose not to recieve communion, after all, I wasn’t paying attention. Now my friend said, “maybe it would’ve been good for healing, let Christ’s love flow through you with the Eucharist”. I feel empty now, like I didn’t go to Mass at all. I can’t receive communion when I’m angry, right? Any ideas? Thanks, God bless

 

[proudnifi]

I’m no expert, but I’m not aware of any rule that you can’t receive the Eucharist when you’re angry. In your case, your anger seems justified. Anger is not evil - it is just a feeling. The bad part is that you took some of that anger out on the bicyclist, but even that is not a mortal sin (I assume the almost accident was an accident) and it’s only mortal sins that should keep us from the Eucharist.

I am so sorry your husband is being a jerk.

 

[BloodStaindRose]

Try going to confession first and then you will be in a great state of mind to go to Communion!

 

[Fergal]

Peace!
I went to Mass today, after a big old fight with my estranged husband. We yelled at each other, cussed up a storm, accused each other, the works…This ended in him telling me that he’s got yet another affair going on, “not THAT serious” yet, but in the making. We’ve been living apart for over a year now, he’s been cheating on me for 11 years, starting the year I was pregnant with my little one. I didn’t know all this until later. So, anyway…I stormed off to Mass, almost ran over a bicyclist, called her a nice name and went to Mass. Hmm, I was sitting there, trying to examine my conscience, with tears in my eyes. Throughout the Mass, I wanted to run out and bawl, but my baby was serving, and I couldn’t just do that. So, instead I kept thinking of what dh might be up to just that moment- seeing this girl, being all nice and flirty, while he has nothing but contempt and hatred in his eyes for me?`I chose not to recieve communion, after all, I wasn’t paying attention. Now my friend said, “maybe it would’ve been good for healing, let Christ’s love flow through you with the Eucharist”. I feel empty now, like I didn’t go to Mass at all. I can’t receive communion when I’m angry, right? Any ideas? Thanks, God bless

Of course you should have run to Christ!! That is when He most desires you to come to Him. You did not commit any mortal sin from what I can see and therefore restraining yourself from receiving Holy Communion was a little scrupulous.

Still nothing is lost. Make now a spiritual communion saying to Jesus “I wish now Lord to receive you with all the love, joy, humility and purity with which your Most Holy Mother received you, with the spirit and fervour of the Saints.” Be assured that he will come to you with much Grace.

 

[Palladio]

Try going to confession first and then you will be in a great state of mind to go to Communion!

Yes, swearing may not be a mortal sin, but did you blaspheme breaking a commandment?

Confession of venial sins is still confession.

Communion as therapy… Not so sure about that.

**The Sisters of Life go to confession once a week.

I’m shooting for that.
**
**And also: speak with a priest about your situation: you seem to be bearing one heavy cross. Let the priest help you to shoulder it.

**God bless.

 

[Chatter163]

You were absolutely right to refrain from communion. Prior to this generation, that would have been a no-brainer.

Si ergo offeres munus tuum ad altare et ibi recordatus fueris quia frater tuus habet aliquid adversum te, relinque ibi munus tuum ante altare et vade prius reconciliare fratri tuo, et tunc veniens offers munus tuum (Mt: 5:23-24)

If therefore thou offer thy gift at the altar, and there thou remember that thy brother hath anything against thee; Leave there thy offering before the altar, and go first to be reconciled to thy brother, and then coming, thou shalt offer thy gift.

 

[water]

I feel empty now, like I didn’t go to Mass at all. I can’t receive communion when I’m angry, right? Any ideas? Thanks, God bless

Turn this feeling being empty into something very positive, and that is to remind us that when we are angry and cussing up a storm, we are not welcoming Jesus into our souls. Reflecting on that, we can think twice before being so angry.

This is the problem we all are still struggling with.

 

[proudnifi]

You were absolutely right to refrain from communion. Prior to this generation, that would have been a no-brainer.

Si ergo offeres munus tuum ad altare et ibi recordatus fueris quia frater tuus habet aliquid adversum te, relinque ibi munus tuum ante altare et vade prius reconciliare fratri tuo, et tunc veniens offers munus tuum (Mt: 5:23-24)

If therefore thou offer thy gift at the altar, and there thou remember that thy brother hath anything against thee; Leave there thy offering before the altar, and go first to be reconciled to thy brother, and then coming, thou shalt offer thy gift.

Not sure this is being taken in the correct context. I have a situation in which the other person is broken and unwilling to reconcile with me. I am rightfully angry about things this person has done. This doesn’t mean I am barred from the Eucharist forever. Sounds like the poster would have preferred to work things out - she’s not at fault and has a right to her anger.

 

[MSJoan]

My recommendation is to call one of the parish priests, or another priest you know and ask for his guidance in whether you made the right decision. Once you tell him all that’s going on, he will be able to give you the best direction of what you should do in these situations; and if you need or desire, also hear your confession. Although not required if this is determined to be venial, given its potential for recurrence and for its leading to mortal sin, confession could be very helpful.

I would also suggest that your estranged husband’s provoking you to anger (pushing your buttons) is a tactic to control you - your anger, your ability to forgive, you ability to hear God’s word, and potentially your ability to fully participate in the Mass. The deeper the wounds, the harder it is to forgive; but until you can let it go, he will continue to control your life. Most priests I know are very good at helping people work through the hurt and betrayal to get to where God wants us to be.

 

[Lux_et_Tenebrae]

Peace to you,

This is understandably a very difficult time for you, and you had so many outside influences, it must have been a difficult decision for you.

Don’t second guess yourself. It would have been better it you could have gotten to confession (for the peace and grace of the sacrament, not because of any serious sin) or maybe had time to calm down before Mass, but that wasn’t possible. If it was possible to go to a later Mass also, that could be an option. I personally would have tried to pray for peace and received Holy Communion, but we must all do what we feel is best.

Hopefully this will not happen again, but if you are upset for any reason. perhaps you could go to the back at Communion time, and spend a few minutes in prayer and receive at the end of the line?

God bless you, and help you through this difficult time.

Lux

 

[Mary1973]

My advice is to dump the so-called husband. Even the church recognizes adultery as a justified reason to end a marriage. I hope you get good counseling.

God bless you.

 

[childofmary1143]

My advice is to dump the so-called husband. Even the church recognizes adultery as a justified reason to end a marriage. I hope you get good counseling.

God bless you.

That is news to me. Can you elaborate?

 

[rkberlin]

Yes, swearing may not be a mortal sin, but did you blaspheme breaking a commandment?

Confession of venial sins is still confession.

Communion as therapy… Not so sure about that.

The Sisters of Life go to confession once a week.

I’m shooting for that.

And also: speak with a priest about your situation: you seem to be bearing one heavy cross. Let the priest help you to shoulder it.

God bless.

I don’t think I blasphemed…not that I recall… by the time I felt that I should’ve gone to confession- it was too late, confession was over. Then, go figure, this just fits into my misery right now- they cancelled next week’s confession for the general congregation, only seniors are invited to receive the sacrament…so, now I’m stuck for another 2 weeks? I hate my life right now, too much drama…
Oh, and I talked to my pastor about my situation, he said I had to work that out myself…then he told me to contact the diocese to see if they offer anything. They do, but they are very limited due to financial reasons, and there are really long waiting lists (they offer seminars once every 3 months or so, but they usually have a 20 person limit, and it’s hard to get in- but I am on the waiting list). I cry at night, and then I feel like something/someone loving holding me and telling me everything is alright.
Nothing’s really alright, though, my husband wants a divorce, I’ve kept fighting for the last 6 years to keep the marriage going. I’m now giving up, he’s too abusive, and this isn’t good for my kids, either. I want them to know that marriage is a sacrament and I tried to protect them. Maybe I shouldn’t receive any communion EVER again, until my situation is handled? Can I recieve if we get a divorce finalized? Am I a bad person for wanting to just stay alone after the divorce, not seek an anulment and just try and be a good person? Or will I get punished for my husband’s actions? I’m thinking about an anulment, I don’t think we should’ve been allowed to marry, knowing what I know now…I DO know, t´hough, that adultery does NOT count as a reason for divorce in the Church, so where do i stand here? Sorry if I’m drifting off my original post…

 

[PhilotheaZ]

they cancelled next week’s confession for the general congregation, only seniors are invited to receive the sacrament…so, now I’m stuck for another 2 weeks

What does this mean? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Any priest should make a reasonable effort to hear the confession of any penitent who approaches him. That is what they are ordained to do.

 

[Moneo]

rkberlin,

You are trying to work through all of this through a cloud of emotion right now, and emotion clouds reason. You’re not going to make good decisions about anything, whether it be your relationship with Our Lord, your husband or anything else, if you try to do it on your own.

If I may ask a few personal questions: how long have you lived in Berlin? Is your husband German? Do you have your own friends and a social circle there that you can turn to for support?

I ask because I know how difficult life can be when you’re living overseas and trouble hits if you don’t have a support system. If your only family there are your children, your husband and his family, you must be feeling terribly isolated and alone. This is why it’s important to know whether or not you have a group of your own friends, co-workers or such, to whom you can turn for support.

As for the religious questions you raise, anger can be a mortal sin, yes. But I would genuinely doubt that it is so in your case. You are suffering a great deal, and that pain needs to manifest itself somehow. Unfortunately it is coming out in an explosive way as anger. But knowing that, you need to take some positive steps to find other ways of dealing with the pain so that the outbursts won’t be as frequent or as frightening for you.

My advice is, if your conscience is bothering you about the things that you said and did in the confrontation with your husband, then yes, you should certainly go to confession prior to receiving Communion. But be careful! You may be taking a lot of unnecessary guilt onto your own shoulders for the thins that were said in the argument with your husband! Some people, and you may be one of them, take on more than their fair share of the blame in confrontational situations, and they walk around feeling that the whole mess is their responsibility and theirs alone

I wouldn’t make any decisions about receiving or not receiving Holy Communion without the counsel of a priest. And what I think you may need right now is a regular confessor, someone who knows you and your situation well and can guide you spiritually through this awful period.

I don’t understand the thing about cancelling confession for all but the elderly for the next two weeks. Surely if you approached the priest privately he would agree to hear your confession!? And if not, then you need to seek out another place where you can go for the sacraments, because you really do need God’s grace at this time. Have you looked around to see if there is somewhere else yo can go, or are you limited to one particular parish/group of priests, perhaps because of difficulties with the language? If you can’t confess in German, then that complicates things a bit, but you could ask at the chancery office if they have a list of other priests who are capable of confessing penitents in English should that be the problem.

In any event, I hope this helps a bit. I’ll offer a prayer for you in Mass this evening.

 

[Teelynn]

Not sure this is being taken in the correct context. I have a situation in which the other person is broken and unwilling to reconcile with me. I am rightfully angry about things this person has done. This doesn’t mean I am barred from the Eucharist forever. Sounds like the poster would have preferred to work things out - she’s not at fault and has a right to her anger.

I agree 100%. To refrain from communion, ok maybe, especially if still very angry. Doesn’t mean she can’t receive Jesus spiritually when she calms down. It certainly doesn’t mean she committed a mortal sin! 1st of all nothing in this outburst was premeditated. God gave us human emotions and it is a natural reaction to be very hurt and angry when being totally betrayed by a spouse or anyone that we have strong emotions for. Yes, I would recommend confession for the wonderful graces the sacrament imparts, but just as important is the need of spiritual counseling from a compassionate priest.

 

[Mary1973]

That is news to me. Can you elaborate?

Of course, I can never find a reference when I want one! I believe that I saw this when I was considering to apply for an annulment. Here is some information I found at the EWTN site:

A valid marriage requires the proper intention at the time that the vows are exchanged. The parties must intend to make a marriage, which by definition is a life-long communion open to new human life. These are called the unitive and procreative meanings of marriage. If either of the two meanings of marriage (an indissoluble union and procreation) are excluded by the will of either the man or the woman no marriage is made on the wedding day (canon 1096).

For example, someone who has no intention of being faithful cannot make a marriage since at the very time of exchanging vows he or she precludes the life-long fidelity that is intrinsic to marriage. This is often demonstrated right at the beginning, or shortly thereafter, by infidelity. Or, someone who intends to exclude the possibility of children does not validly marry. (Those who cannot have children due to age or infertility are NOT meant here, but only those who could bear children but intend to avoid this marital responsibility completely.)

 

[Andreas_Hofer]

rkberlin,

It seems to me that it was proper to refrain from receiving communion, not because of any particular sin barring you from the Eucharist but because of her emotional state that sounds like it was preventing her from being sufficiently prepared and focused to meet Christ in the Eucharist.

You have every reason to be very angry with your husband, so I wouldn’t even say that a certain level of it would be expected and even good, but at the same time, if you happen to be at Mass at a time when anger is sucking more of your focus than Christ and the sacrifice, it’s probably best to wait until you can really concentrate on meeting Him.

Sure, the Eucharist holds out the possibility of great graces, but we all know it’s not mechanical. When it comes to receiving, there is both sacramental and spiritual reception. Some people don’t receive the sacramental species, but through their spiritual communion do receive graces and intimacy with Christ. Others who do receive the Body and Blood sacramentally will, out of inattention to the great gift, distraction, or some other reason that keeps them from actuating it, not really receive any benefit. Hopefully most of us receive both sacramentally and spiritually all the time, but if we’re too distracted by something else, the sacramental reception might not make that much difference because we won’t take advantage of it.

With that in mind, let’s remember that encountering Christ in the Eucharist is not a one-way street in which He grants us benefits. Rather, it is a relational experience. He comes to us, we approach Him; we each offer ourselves to one another. Here’s a crude but somewhat analogous example. If I were really mad about a situation at work, so mad that I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, it might not be a good thing to go on a date with a loved one. Sure, the two of us would be spending time in each other’s presence, but there’s a good possibility that neither one of us would much enjoy me seething about the situation and not being very engaged in the conversation. When we are considering whether to receive communion, we should think, sure, about whether we are in a state that allows us to receive, but we should also think of whether we are in a state that will enable us to give Christ the attention He deserves when he deigns to come under our roofs and dwell most intimately within us.

It’s a balancing act, because we’ll never be able to give Christ fully what He deserves. Sometimes we’ll say, “I could do better, I should wait.” Other times we’ll say, “I need whatever help he can give me way too much, today I’ve got to receive and trust that He’ll understand.” Having a confessor who knows your situation would be a great help in learning when and how to make those judgment calls.

 

[childofmary1143]

Of course, I can never find a reference when I want one! I believe that I saw this when I was considering to apply for an annulment. Here is some information I found at the EWTN site:

A valid marriage requires the proper intention at the time that the vows are exchanged. The parties must intend to make a marriage, which by definition is a life-long communion open to new human life. These are called the unitive and procreative meanings of marriage. If either of the two meanings of marriage (an indissoluble union and procreation) are excluded by the will of either the man or the woman no marriage is made on the wedding day (canon 1096).

For example, someone who has no intention of being faithful cannot make a marriage since at the very time of exchanging vows he or she precludes the life-long fidelity that is intrinsic to marriage. This is often demonstrated right at the beginning, or shortly thereafter, by infidelity. Or, someone who intends to exclude the possibility of children does not validly marry. (Those who cannot have children due to age or infertility are NOT meant here, but only those who could bear children but intend to avoid this marital responsibility completely.)

I am familiar with that. But I think that wouldn’t apply here as no one can say that was his intent on the day of their marriage.

 

[Lux_et_Tenebrae]

… Maybe I shouldn’t receive any communion EVER again, until my situation is handled? …

I hope you do not do this—Perhaps receiving Communion and begging Jesus to ease your pain will help.

Can I recieve if we get a divorce finalized?

Yes. It is not divorce that is the problem, it is remarriage without an anulment.

Am I a bad person for wanting to just stay alone after the divorce, not seek an anulment and just try and be a good person?

As long as you live a sigle life, this is fine.

Or will I get punished for my husband’s actions?

No

I’m thinking about an anulment, I don’t think we should’ve been allowed to marry, knowing what I know now…I DO know, t´hough, that adultery does NOT count as a reason for divorce in the Church, so where do i stand here?

Please call and ask your questions, if you think you may one day want to remarry. If you will stay single, you may receive Holy Communion with or without an anulment or divorce.

God bless you with His peace
Lux