No contact with Brother, now wants to move in

[Wanda1]

I am struggling with how God wants me to respond to my brother. Long story, short: I am 56 years old and have lived with my parents for 25 years, taking care of them. For the past 10 years, my dad struggled with dementia and passed away 6 months ago. He lived at home; I brought in help for my mother while I worked full-time. My brother got married in 1994; came to a few family dinners for a few years but then stoped. Then stole my father’s identity and charged up an American Express card. My dad paid the debt; but my brother didn’t participate in family events. Both parent sick/hospitalized many many times, but no phone calls or visits. His wife has called occasionally asking for money. Workwise, he has gone from job to job and will not stay with anything. My father died six months ago; did not bother to attend the funeral nor visit him - ever. Now my brother shows up asking my mother for money. His daughter has asked if he can live with us. Am I selfish/not loving/not Christian to say no? Thanks for your response.

 

[1ke]

You must absolutely say NO. Protect your mother from these predators at all costs.

 

[angel12]

The loving & Christian thing to do is to protect your mother and yourself from your brother and his family. You know he’s a thief, you know he doesn’t care about your parents. I know it’s difficult, he’s your brother, but you would be harming your mother and yourself to give him money and/or a place to live. And really, you’d be harming your brother, too, because you’d be allowing his behavior to continue.

 

[1ke]

I’d like to add that you should also conduct credit monitoring for your mother’s accounts, make sure a power of attorney is in place for you regarding her finances and healthcare should she become incapacitated, and make sure her will is in order while she retains her faculties.

Your brother could try to make a move when you are dealing with an incapacitated mother. People like this have no conscience and will try to take, take, take.

Be prepared for the wolf at the door.

 

[angel12]

I’d like to add that you should also conduct credit monitoring for your mother’s accounts, make sure a power of attorney is in place for you regarding her finances and healthcare should she become incapacitated, and make sure her will is in order while she retains her faculties.

Your brother could try to make a move when you are dealing with an incapacitated mother. People like this have no conscience and will try to take, take, take.

Be prepared for the wolf at the door.

Great advice from 1ke.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

If the daughter is a minor and you wish to ensure that she’s taken care of and have the ability offer to take guardianship. Do NOT let him move back in.

 

[Gwendolen]

I think the other’s have given good advice, especially to solidify Power of Attorney for your mom, to protect her.

How does God expect you to respond? Obviously God wants you to protect your mother (remember Jesus handed off his mother to the care of one of the disciples shortly before his death, it was important enough to mention this). But what does he want you do do for your brother? Moving in is obviously off the table.

The question is what else CAN you do, beyond giving him money? His daughter asked if he could move in. How old is his daughter. You are 56, if your brother is around the same age, daughter is likely a young adult in her 20’s or early 30’s, sees her dad suffering, and doesn’t know what to do. She may need support and direction in dealing with her dad, and likely has not had good example for years. Why does your brother keep running out of money? What are his job skills? Why doesn’t he have a place to live? Is he physically capable of working? If he is destitute, due to a life time of bad choices, and I wanted to be a positive Christian influence and provide love and forgiveness, I would steer him in the direction of a YMCA, or similar housing, and some sort of job training, take him to Mass, and maybe an occasion lunch or something. I would not want myself seen as a source of money at all. If he is looking for money, and not a familial relationship, I would say my goodbyes.

 

[guanophore]

Am I selfish/not loving/not Christian to say no? Thanks for your response.

Not a bit. It is your responsibility to protect the family home and assets. No doubt his daughter is exhausted as well. Before anything else is done for him, he should make restitution for what he stole from your dad.

Do NOT let him anywhere near the property, or your mother’s assets. It is not Christian or loving to support people in bad/sinful behavior.

Be prepared for the wolf at the door.

You and your mother should take some legal steps to prevent him from taking advantage of family assets.

 

[Horton]

You must go into protective overdrive for your mother and her assets. Work with her bank on how to protect her accounts. See an attorney to help protect her other assets such as the house and whatever she may own.

Do not let him move in as you know that is a disaster waiting to happen. Maybe work with his daughter on how to set appropriate boundaries with her father.

You are doing your best to honor your mother & father. Denying your bother what he is requesting in not wrong.

 

[Wanda1]

My brother has indeed made a lifetime of bad choices. My father wanted him to get the best education possible, so he helped him through school. However, he began failing and didn’t tell anyone. My father gave him several chances after that. Then the identity theft began when he met his wife. It snowballed after that. He started not coming around - now going on 20 years, and not ever calling or visiting. Now his wife and children have had enough as well.
He may have undiagnosed mental disorders - or simply won’t grow up! Now my mother needs the money she has left to take care of herself. At a loss. I have given it all up to the Lord and pray every day for a solution. Thank you for all of your kind words and suggestions. Please pray for us.

 

[guanophore]

He may have undiagnosed mental disorders - or simply won’t grow up! Now my mother needs the money she has left to take care of herself. At a loss. I have given it all up to the Lord and pray every day for a solution. Thank you for all of your kind words and suggestions. Please pray for us.

You are not at a loss, he is at a loss. He did not take advantage of the opportunities available to him. It is very possible he has mental disorders, but you need to prioritize those who are in your care. It is not possible for you to take on his care at this point. Trust that God will make other arrangements for him, and be very firm saying NO, NO, NO!