No Hope for Single Mothers in Catholic/Christian faith

[nova147]

Charlotte -

I pray today finds you more hopeful. God is calling you closer to Him, but often we must suffer on that journey. May your suffering be eased by the prayers of the faithful.

The only thing that separates me from having the experience you have is that the premarital sex I engaged in didn’t result in a child. Remember that – just because you see someone who looks like they’ve lived a “christian lifestyle” may just not have any visible signs of the sins they’ve committed. And then put it out of your mind. The life you have lived until now is not as important as the one you are living now. Continue to strive for that christian lifestyle – that is all God (and the Church, btw) asks of you.

As for hope for a husband, don’t count yourself out. God has a plan for you. If that plan includes a husband, He will overcome any obstacles. Also, my husband is that kind of man, but he hasn’t always been. When we met, he was an atheist. But within 5 years, he had become convinced not only that God exists, but also that the Catholic Church was founded by Christ. He was a good man when we met, but faith has made him better. Don’t worry about the “competition”, just worry about your relationship with God and He will take care of the rest.

 

[Jesus_123]

Hello Jesus 1 2 3 , you are a wonderful spiritual director, Thank you ,I think we all need someone like you in our lives, to help us to see sometimes, and pray for us. God continue to bless you in what you do:thumbsup:C

To God alone be the glory . . . the Lord blessed my life with the opportunity to serve as a Church secretary for many years as my children were growing up . . . it was a wonderful place to grow in the . . . grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ . . . I’m the facilitator of the Benedictine Spirituality Forum right now . . . at the request of the moderator who just recently had a new baby . . . you all are always welcome to drop by there . . . it’s a very congenial group . . . and we post every day as we study the Holy Rule of St. Benedict . . . together . . .

Benedictine Spirituality Forum Link: forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=35

*God bless . . . *

. . . all for Jesus+​

 

[manualman]

Letter to the Romans, chapter 3. “For all have sinned, and fallen short of the Glory of God…”

You may be missing a key portion of the Good News. The good news is NOT that shiny, perfect people get to go to heaven. The Good news is that even though there ARE NO shiny, perfect people, Christ has opened a way for us to be restored to God.

The two perfectly chaste virgins getting married have both at times lied, cheated, stolen, etc. They need a Savior as much as you and I do. The Good News is that we HAVE one!

So don’t let the devil rub your sin in your face. Accept it. You’re a sinner, but a forgiven one. You’ve done damage to your life (and that of others) by the mistakes (sins) you’ve committed, but the story doesn’t end there. God offers you the Grace in Christ to be forgiven now and someday be fully healed of the consequences of your mistakes. It starts now, but takes the rest of your life to finish. Stop feeling guilty and start being thankful there’s a way out!

God bless!

 

[Rascalking]

ok so that sounds a little extreme…but hear me out…

of course we have hope in the religious sense…I pray everyday/night and have hope…that kinda hope isnt what I mean…

What I mean is…everytime I’m at church…I listen, and I know they preach abstinence…and then marriage…and the ideal is for two virgins to come together and be married and there’s this ‘purity’ that the marriage has because its just those two people…every so often someone in the parish will get married, and they’ll announce it…"We would like to announce that (insert name here), who has practiced his faith with a pure heart and pure chastity…has been sent a blessing of partner (insert name here) of equal purity etc etc etc)

Well for someone like me, a single mom…27…I’m obviously no virgin.

Does that make me any less of a person? no…
Does that make me any less charismatic?? I dont think so…
Does change my personality, in some way…maybe I cant be trusted? definitely not…I’m a totally upstanding, solid, loyal girl…
Does that make me a bad mother?? DEFINITELY NOT, its really quite the contrary…

But I am not, in fact a virgin…

I understand why they preach this, and TOTALLY agree…dont get me wrong…if i could go back and do it all over again…i would…but i cant…and i dont regret it…not for ANY reason…but its hopeless for me to consider finding a possible husband in the church because they have this set standard…which is really sad because thats exactly what I’m looking for… a man with morals/values/religious principles-discipline/ all that good wholesome stuff…

DONT GET ME WRONG- single mothers get married all the time…i have girlfriends who were single mothers…met someone and now they have their new little families and it works fine…I’m just sayin, they didnt find those guys in church…

just thought I’d say it…it makes me sad ((im all gonna cry))…makes me feel like I’m doomed to be a withered old hag… i wanna give my daughter a daddy…i wanna have a wedding…be someones wife…

NEVER LOSE HOPE!!!

I’m a 29 year old male, and would have no problem dating someone with a child.

We’re out there. Just got to find.

 

[cthulhubryan]

Much of life is how you interpret it.

One could say: 27 year old non-virgin with children.

OR

One could say: 27 year old loving woman with proven fertility.

Not trying to be gross or rude, but children are God’s greatest blessing ever! A woman with children is not a “woman with baggage”, that’s death talking. A woman with children is someone who brings yet more to the table. Assuming that you have all the right parts (all bets are off if you have 3 heads, 7 legs and 5 arms) why would you ever feel out of place or less than worthy?

When I was dating (back when the planet was cooling) I felt that dating a single mother was an incredible compliment to me! That a woman felt I was worth meeting her kids.

If you feel out of place in your parish, considering changing. But before you do that, consider what filters you are using to view what is going on around you.

Pax,

Bryan

 

[ahollars]

I am a man who married a single mother, and she wasn’t the only one that I dated.

MEN!!! STEP UP TO THE TASK AND TAKE CHARGE ALREADY! HOW PRO-LIFE ARE YOU IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN?!

Here come the date requests. I can see it now…

 

[DominicVobiscum]

What I mean is…everytime I’m at church…I listen, and I know they preach abstinence…and then marriage…and the ideal is for two virgins to come together and be married and there’s this ‘purity’ that the marriage has because its just those two people…every so often someone in the parish will get married, and they’ll announce it…"We would like to announce that (insert name here), who has practiced his faith with a pure heart and pure chastity…has been sent a blessing of partner (insert name here) of equal purity etc etc etc)

Charlotte, I am not sure what you mean by this? Is that the standard marriage announcement in your parish?

 

[jenlovesyu]

Don’t despair Charlotte! I’m about to join you (due Nov 30th) in the single mother ranks and although I am not proud of the choices I have made, I can’t wait to hold my son in my arms! I am so grateful for him

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to find a daddy for your daughter. You probably feel it more than I do at this point. I think having a child is a plus when it comes to dating because you can automatically keep certain kind of guys away from you. They see you with a kid and they suddenly run in the other direction! Not deserving of you anyway! But if and when you do find someone, you’re going to get a 2 in 1, hubby & daddy because (hopefully) you will have seen how he treats your precious daughter.
Right now all you can do is trust in God. Ask Him to help you understand His Will for your life. He is always there to comfort you and He will definitely be the best Father any girl could ask for! God is amazing

I will add you to my prayer list. I hope you can find peace.

 

[Worthy5]

Don’t despair Charlotte! I’m about to join you (due Nov 30th) in the single mother ranks and although I am not proud of the choices I have made, I can’t wait to hold my son in my arms! I am so grateful for him

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to find a daddy for your daughter. You probably feel it more than I do at this point. I think having a child is a plus when it comes to dating because you can automatically keep certain kind of guys away from you. They see you with a kid and they suddenly run in the other direction! Not deserving of you anyway! But if and when you do find someone, you’re going to get a 2 in 1, hubby & daddy because (hopefully) you will have seen how he treats your precious daughter.
Right now all you can do is trust in God. Ask Him to help you understand His Will for your life. He is always there to comfort you and He will definitely be the best Father any girl could ask for! God is amazing

I will add you to my prayer list. I hope you can find peace.

 

[Phemie]

Is that announcment called “posting the banns?” It’s an ancient tradition.

I’ve heard people over in the Traditional Section bemoaning the fact that banns are no longer posted in Catholic Churches.

Well, now I can see why they’re not posted. I agree–none of anyone’s business. This is the 21st Century. We have newspapers with wedding announcements, wedding invitations, wedding websites, etc. There is no need for a public announcement in the church, IMO. It serves no purpose in these modern times.

No, no, no. Banns would never be like what was in that post.

Banns go something like this:
There is a promise of marriage between Jane Doe, daughter of Jim Doe & Mary Brown of this parish and John Q. Public, son of James Z. Public & Jane Y. Jones formerly of this parish but now living in Paris, Texas. (1st publication) or (1st & only publication with dispensation from the other two). The marriage will be held on July 4 of this year. If anyone knows of an impediment to this marriage please contact the parish ASAP.

Marriage is a public Church event, not a private one. There has never been, in my memory, any comment about the virginity/chastity of the couple. Banns were published for our wedding. There’s nothing wrong with it except that it’s not very useful in this day and age because people move so much. Many parishes now require affidavits of freedom to marry instead, usually provided by very close relatives, Mom & Dad usually.

 

[Norseman82]

ok so that sounds a little extreme…but hear me out…

of course we have hope in the religious sense…I pray everyday/night and have hope…that kinda hope isnt what I mean…

What I mean is…everytime I’m at church…I listen, and I know they preach abstinence…and then marriage…and the ideal is for two virgins to come together and be married and there’s this ‘purity’ that the marriage has because its just those two people…every so often someone in the parish will get married, and they’ll announce it…"We would like to announce that (insert name here), who has practiced his faith with a pure heart and pure chastity…has been sent a blessing of partner (insert name here) of equal purity etc etc etc)

Well for someone like me, a single mom…27…I’m obviously no virgin.

Does that make me any less of a person? no…
Does that make me any less charismatic?? I dont think so…
Does change my personality, in some way…maybe I cant be trusted? definitely not…I’m a totally upstanding, solid, loyal girl…
Does that make me a bad mother?? DEFINITELY NOT, its really quite the contrary…

But I am not, in fact a virgin…

I understand why they preach this, and TOTALLY agree…dont get me wrong…if i could go back and do it all over again…i would…but i cant…and i dont regret it…not for ANY reason…but its hopeless for me to consider finding a possible husband in the church because they have this set standard…which is really sad because thats exactly what I’m looking for… a man with morals/values/religious principles-discipline/ all that good wholesome stuff…

DONT GET ME WRONG- single mothers get married all the time…i have girlfriends who were single mothers…met someone and now they have their new little families and it works fine…I’m just sayin, they didnt find those guys in church…

just thought I’d say it…it makes me sad ((im all gonna cry))…makes me feel like I’m doomed to be a withered old hag… i wanna give my daughter a daddy…i wanna have a wedding…be someones wife…

I’m going to try to be diplomatic on this one.

If you agree with the Church on its teaching on abstinence, why not congratulate those who are virgins on their wedding night? Instead, when I read these forums, I get the impression that some of youse never met a virgin in your life and are threatened by the very existence of virgins and all of a sudden they are the one who did wrong (not you personally, Charlotte, but this forum is filled with CINOs who love to make snarky remarks about virgins). Are we ever going to turn the tide on this rampant promiscuity by bashing the people who do manage to behave correctly and making snarky remarks? I mean, how interested are we in getting back to that ideal of people waiting for their wedding?

And your daughter does have a daddy. Tell him to start acting like one.

 

[Norseman82]

MEN!!! STEP UP TO THE TASK AND TAKE CHARGE ALREADY! HOW PRO-LIFE ARE YOU IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN?!

I’m only responsible to mend what I have broken and to clean up my own messes, not anyone elses. Let the fornicating bums clean up their own messes. Let THEM do some stepping up for a change. THEY are the ones who did the wrong; let THEM pay for it.

 

[w2bp88]

I disagree with you that there is no hope for single mothers in the Catholic faith. Just because you aren’t a virgin doesn’t mean that there isn’t a man out there for you to marry. There are plenty of men out there who aren’t virgins either, and if they are, some are okay with not marrying a virgin. If a man loves you for who you are, he will have to accept the fact that you have made mistakes in the past. Everyone has in their own way. What is important is that you have repented and amended your lifestyle.

Maybe you haven’t been able to find a man at church because when they see you with your child, they assume you are married. I don’t know how involved you are with your parish but maybe you could start doing more and then people will learn about you. Maybe they could introduce you to a nice man.

As for what you said about two virgins marrying each other, I think it is a wonderful thing and it is great for those who have led a pure lifestyle and can do this but I don’t think it should make you feel worse about your situation.

Just throwing this out there but have you tried a Catholic dating website?

 

[Charlotte408]

I’m only responsible to mend what I have broken and to clean up my own messes, not anyone elses. Let the fornicating bums clean up their own messes. Let THEM do some stepping up for a change. THEY are the ones who did the wrong; let THEM pay for it.

Whoa…where did THAT quote come from??? lmbo…i dont expect anyone to clean up any mess…its no one’s responsiblity but my own, thats WHY I HAD HER. no abortions going on here…thats MY BABY. Shes 5, and I’ve raised her perfectly fine all on my own…so…im not lookin for handouts…

but yeah, Norseman, in MY situation, by daughters father is completely out of the picture for SAFETY reasons. Even if he COULD be a part of her life, sadly to say it wouldnt be beneficial…AT ALL…i know i know…some people are appauled and thinking ‘A father is better than NO father’…and believe me in this case you couldnt be more wrong…

But yes, as that w2b person just said, as a single mom im pretty tough, and…conservative…and…idk i keep to myself you know? im always busy and never have time to date (which is my choice i wouldnt feel comfortable introducing men to my daughter at this point) so i think a lot of it is that they assume im already married…

But enough of of this thread already!! lol…if you cant tell i was in an emotional frenzy when i posted it…lol… and now i just… want … it… to … go away!! lol…its kinda starting to get embarrassing…in the future i’ll have to remember the permanence of these threads and just how discussed my feelings will be…((awkward))

 

[Tosk]

I am a man who married a single mother, and she wasn’t the only one that I dated.

MEN!!! STEP UP TO THE TASK AND TAKE CHARGE ALREADY! HOW PRO-LIFE ARE YOU IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN?!

Here come the date requests. I can see it now…

The last thing I would want to be is some knight in shining armor for some charity case. I wouldn’t have any problem dating a single mom as long as there isn’t too much baby daddy drama but I really don’t want to have the extra responsibility of having to fulfill and amend someone else’s life.

 

[Charlotte408]

The last thing I would want to be is some knight in shining armor for some charity case. I wouldn’t have any problem dating a single mom as long as there isn’t too much baby daddy drama but I really don’t want to have the extra responsibility of having to fulfill and amend someone else’s life.

BOO YAH there it is RIGHT there…oh…and I was almost too quick to leave this conversation…let me break this down to you…

The last thing I would want to be is some knight in shining armor for some charity case.

To some…single mothers are considered ‘charity cases’…

I wouldn’t have any problem dating a single mom as long as there isn’t too much baby daddy drama

He wouldnt mind dating…which to the average man who is not religious means ‘having sex and hanging out’ ← and in that order if they had it their way…and to the catholic or christian man it means ‘lets be friends, or maybe make out’

but I really don’t want to have the extra responsibility of having to fulfill and amend someone else’s life.

And there it is folks…MARRIAGE…the responsiblity of fulfilling and amending and partaking in someones life…wheeewwwwwwwwwwww…

so, with me being chaste until marriage, which with that mindframe i can never obtain…I am destined to die a virginal lonely old hag…thank you.

To the dude I just quoted…I didnt even bother with your name because it really doesnt matter to me either way, I dont mean to offend you by pickin’ apart your words…I just had to prove a point…I’m sure you couldnt have put any thought into it…

Its cool tho…I keep it movin…keep doin’ me and lovin’ Him

 

[Tosk]

To some…single mothers are considered ‘charity cases’…

Only when they behave like charity cases and act really desperate and clingy.
I was responding to ahollars saying good catholic men should go out and look for broken women to mend. That is saying go and look to be a saviour for some poor poor broken women. And that is the last thing I need in a relationship.

He wouldnt mind dating…which to the average man who is not religious means ‘having sex and hanging out’ ← and in that order if they had it their way…and to the catholic or christian man it means ‘lets be friends, or maybe make out’

you have to date to find out if you are compatible for marriage. You find out a lot about a girl when you date her and you can find out if you will be compatible for marriage. I don’t really blame men for wanting to be friends with someone before they decide to pick out curtains.

And there it is folks…MARRIAGE…the responsiblity of fulfilling and amending and partaking in someones life…wheeewwwwwwwwwwww…

so, with me being chaste until marriage, which with that mindframe i can never obtain…I am destined to die a virginal lonely old hag…thank you.

To the dude I just quoted…I didnt even bother with your name because it really doesnt matter to me either way, I dont mean to offend you by pickin’ apart your words…I just had to prove a point…I’m sure you couldnt have put any thought into it…

Its cool tho…I keep it movin…keep doin’ me and lovin’ Him

awwww, It can’t be all that bad. I don’t understand why you think you need to find some man or you will die alone. Being single has a lot advantages ya know.

 

[Norseman82]

Whoa…where did THAT quote come from???

I was responding to ahollars (it would be interesting to find out if he himself was a virgin or not since his post implied that we are not pro-life if we aren’t willing to clean up after another fornicating bum’s mess) - I had thought I had quoted him in my reply.

Did you ever consider finding a reverting single father? You two probably could relate to each other more than you would with a virgin, since two single parents have similar experiences. Just a bit of practical advice.

 

[Charlotte408]

oh no…i was referring to the quote from ahollars…lol…somehow that got by me and when i saw it in your message i laughed!!! that was wayyy outta left field…dont get me wrong…nice thought and all…but…lol…it just was on a whole 'nuther note than all the messages i had already read…

 

[ahollars]

I was responding to ahollars (it would be interesting to find out if he himself was a virgin or not since his post implied that we are not pro-life if we aren’t willing to clean up after another fornicating bum’s mess) - I had thought I had quoted him in my reply.

No, I wasn’t a virgin. I fell away from the faith for a couple of years.

And even if I was, does that mean I should have avoided anyone who messed up before they met me? Whether or not they have a child is irrelevant. A child only means that a woman cannot lie about her past. It does not mean that a woman is still sexually active.

Only when they behave like charity cases and act really desperate and clingy. I was responding to ahollars saying good catholic men should go out and look for broken women to mend. That is saying go and look to be a saviour for some poor poor broken women. And that is the last thing I need in a relationship.

Savior? I didn’t have to go out and look to find my wife. I’m sure you probably know some yourself. God will put her in your path. The last thing she will need from you is the idea that you think it is not your responsibility to mend her when she needs you to, and vice versa. Avoiding women who have children for this reason will not save you any future headaches anymore than any other marriage. Holy matrimony is equally holy for all spouses who validly marry in the Church in a state of grace.

I’m only responsible to mend what I have broken and to clean up my own messes, not anyone elses. Let the fornicating bums clean up their own messes. Let THEM do some stepping up for a change. THEY are the ones who did the wrong; let THEM pay for it.

Why should mother’s be off limits to you? Are they beneath you? Let them pay for it? By a price that is defined by you, no doubt. BTW, the innocent child is the one who really pays the price. Are you saying you won’t lead them by your example? Whatever penance they completed that is good enough for God should be good enough for anyone. Any woman who has sincerely amended her life in reconciliation should be worthy.

“Fornicating bum”… And you actually said it twice. I’ll let that speak for itself.

The last thing I would want to be is some knight in shining armor for some charity case. I wouldn’t have any problem dating a single mom as long as there isn’t too much baby daddy drama but I really don’t want to have the extra responsibility of having to fulfill and amend someone else’s life.

No matter who you marry, your purpose in life as the husband IS to give yourself up for her, your own life if necessary. Just because she is a chaste virgin doesn’t mean you have dodged that scenario. It just means the pictures will look different.

For the record, my comment was tongue-in-cheek. I was calling to see if other men had a story like mine. My wife was a nominal Methodist when I met her. During her RCIA, we realized that her parents never bothered to get her baptized. She is a member of the Tiber Swim Team of 2001. I am a Catholic revert who wasn’t catechized properly before Confirmation, but my parents, especially my father, never gave up on me. Today, I am headed in the right direction, and spend much time here to help me keep going. We’ve been married for seven years, and are expecting our fifth child in three months. We’re both RE teachers for Confirmation. I think that helps reaffirm our own faith and practice.

Her oldest is my daughter for all purposes, except for the DNA. I couldn’t adopt her without the dad’s consent under Maryland law, and he wouldn’t sign the forms giving her up, just to spite us. He pays no child support, and has no visitation rights. Good riddance. I am Daddy. She’s 12, and she knows I didn’t make her, but she knows that I love her.

As for you men who got defensive, I don’t believe that you know what you’re missing.