No Hope for Single Mothers in Catholic/Christian faith

[Charlotte408]

Your wife is one very lucky woman…I’m sincerely happy for the both of you and your family…Thanks for sticking up for us (the mommies) :clapping:

 

[cephas161619]

I hope I can offer another perspective. As the never married father of an almost 3 year old who lives with her mother, some experience I have. Without even getting into dating, just to share about my daughter was at first most difficult with those in the Church. In other circles of friends though, who don’t share the faith, it was never as difficult. In the Church though, there is a sense that people know right from wrong, and so will judge you and condemn you. For the most part, I was wrong. There are always the exceptional people whose job is to put others down, but for the most part, the news has been very well received. As I understand it though, Christ came not for the self-righteous, but for the sinners, those of us who need a savior. If you have no sin, Jesus isn’t for you! And I love my Jesus! So that means I need to recognize my sins…
As far as dating goes though, I wouldn’t introduce my daughter to anyone who I wasn’t getting pretty close to marriage with. She doesn’t need the emotional drama of bonding and breaking bonds.
And as far as OP finding a spouse, ‘God will provide’. That’s the message constantly repeated in the Bible. It’s not easy to believe, and that’s why we need to pray for the grace. I’m looking too, and know how frustrating it can be! The great thing is you don’t need to have every man (or woman) think how great you are and want to date you. God has one in mind for you, and he will give him to you when he’s ready.

 

[jenlovesyu]

**As far as dating goes though, I wouldn’t introduce my daughter to anyone who I wasn’t getting pretty close to marriage with. She doesn’t need the emotional drama of bonding and breaking bonds.**And as far as OP finding a spouse, ‘God will provide’. That’s the message constantly repeated in the Bible. It’s not easy to believe, and that’s why we need to pray for the grace. I’m looking too, and know how frustrating it can be! The great thing is you don’t need to have every man (or woman) think how great you are and want to date you. God has one in mind for you, and he will give him to you when he’s ready.

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with your decision to not introduce your daughter to your date unless the relationship was pretty serious. I think that every single parent who tries to find a spouse ought to heed that sort of advice. I definitely wont let a guy anywhere near my son unless the relationship looks promising (and if I found the guy to be trustworthy). Children are very vulnerable and there is NO person worth hurting your child over. Good for you

 

[Norseman82]

Why should mother’s be off limits to you? Are they beneath you? Let them pay for it? By a price that is defined by you, no doubt. BTW, the innocent child is the one who really pays the price. Are you saying you won’t lead them by your example? Whatever penance they completed that is good enough for God should be good enough for anyone. Any woman who has sincerely amended her life in reconciliation should be worthy.

“Fornicating bum”… And you actually said it twice. I’ll let that speak for itself.

For the record, my comment was tongue-in-cheek. I was calling to see if other men had a story like mine.

I was referring to the males who knock up women and then don’t do right by them but instead go off to defile other women and leave others to deal with the messy situations they create. And that includes the job of being a father to the kid they now have. If THOSE were the people you were calling upon to step and mend, then OK, but for the future, you need to be clearer in your posts; even the OP wondered where your remark came from.

And a lot of male virgins (yes, believe it or not, they DO exist) do not feel compatible with non-virgins, whether or not there is a child or not. One married woman on this forum PMed me a perfect analogy regarding the virgin-bashing here on CAF (which is disgusting, since one would think that people who obey the Church rules would be respected and rewarded rather than villified, but I guess that shows that CAF has its share of CINOs) is like trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

 

[Norseman82]

I hope I can offer another perspective. As the never married father of an almost 3 year old who lives with her mother, some experience I have. Without even getting into dating, just to share about my daughter was at first most difficult with those in the Church. In other circles of friends though, who don’t share the faith, it was never as difficult. In the Church though, there is a sense that people know right from wrong, and so will judge you and condemn you. For the most part, I was wrong. There are always the exceptional people whose job is to put others down, but for the most part, the news has been very well received. As I understand it though, Christ came not for the self-righteous, but for the sinners, those of us who need a savior. If you have no sin, Jesus isn’t for you! And I love my Jesus! So that means I need to recognize my sins…
As far as dating goes though, I wouldn’t introduce my daughter to anyone who I wasn’t getting pretty close to marriage with. She doesn’t need the emotional drama of bonding and breaking bonds.
And as far as OP finding a spouse, ‘God will provide’. That’s the message constantly repeated in the Bible. It’s not easy to believe, and that’s why we need to pray for the grace. I’m looking too, and know how frustrating it can be! The great thing is you don’t need to have every man (or woman) think how great you are and want to date you. God has one in mind for you, and he will give him to you when he’s ready.

Maybe you are a good match for Charlotte…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Don’t feel bad, been feeling that way most of my life…lol…no hope at all!!! Even for singles without kids, it’s really difficult… I have a friend whom’s settling for anything and anyone… seriously! He’s overly manipulative, even more than her first exhusband… But she’s 30 and single mom trying to just have someone to love…She’s not happy with him, but they talk for hours…SO she says that’s good enough. They have been friends for 6 years so she says that’s good enough for her… I look at her and asked her how in the world can you be satisfied with someone whom puts you down and tells you what to do? I even asked her what is the message you will be giving your son, that it’s ok to do this to women? Her son is 10 years old and all ready does things like this to other children around and even to her…

I felt the same way about my situation…divorced 3 kids, in my late 20s then, but found a great guy…Catholic but “modern Catholic!” His family taught him enough but not nearly enough…Kind of like what my parents did with me…Just knew enough to know about GOD but that was it… lol And even though I love him dearly and we are great friends, he’s all ready having problems economically and I all ready have economical problems myself, so that doesn’t help me much in thinking of having a great partner whom will help me, instead it’s going to be an extra weight on me…Seems wrong about the whole economic situation for me to even bring that up but the more I am with him the more I see him falling apart from all this burden. He loves me and loves my kids, and even though the plans for wedding are still rolling with the hopes of things getting better, I think the marriage will start off with the “for worst or better!” LOL Instead of “for better or worst!” But hey after you hit rock bottom you have to go back up no? lol

So I feel very blessed in what I have, even if the marriage does start with economical problems, I think that if we can get through this together there won’t be anything we can’t get through after words?!

My family has told me I too am conforming, because I am getting older and do want a family, but I at least don’t have a man that tells me what to do or tries to manipulate me at all…I can talk to him, share in our religious chats and enjoy his company dearly, and that means more than any economical comfort…

You just can’t give up based on what your church is trying to make you feel, so what let them tell it on the mountain that the brides and grooms are all virgins, congratulations more power to them but you have a gift of life, and many out there wished to have, myself including- told can’t have more children- so enjoy your child, and love her dearly, never regret…AND just give yourself the time to meet people…Eventually you will find the man that’s right for you…

Just keep praying and continue loving your child, and don’t give up hope…Good luck and God bless!

 

[cthulhubryan]

BOO YAH there it is RIGHT there…oh…and I was almost too quick to leave this conversation…let me break this down to you…

To some…single mothers are considered ‘charity cases’…

Only to self-centered idiots

He wouldnt mind dating…which to the average man who is not religious means ‘having sex and hanging out’ ← and in that order if they had it their way…and to the catholic or christian man it means ‘lets be friends, or maybe make out’

Dating can be fine and fun, you decide fairly quickly if it will possibly lead to marriage and then continue or decide it won’t and stop the dating game.

And there it is folks…MARRIAGE…the responsiblity of fulfilling and amending and partaking in someones life…wheeewwwwwwwwwwww…

Yep. Marriage has to be about fulfilling the life of someone else. You don’t marry yourself so you should be fulfilling your spouses life.You expect to fulfill the needs of your children all the time. There is no “Yours, Mine, and Ours” Once you are married all children become “Mine” to both parties.

so, with me being chaste until marriage, which with that mindframe i can never obtain…I am destined to die a virginal lonely old hag…thank you.

Nope, but it is reasonable to expect a potential spouse to be chaste in her current condition, which means being chaste until you get married this time. Every man has the right to consider his bride-to-be to be pure. And if she is chaste (not necessarily virginal) before her marriage to him then she is pure. That is how it works. Once the marriage/relationship that brought about the children has ended, a man expects his new bride to be chaste from that point until their wedding night. She will already be perfect in his eyes simply because of the nature of love. A woman cannot regrow her hymen, but that is just a physical thing. Her chastity to her new husband makes her as pure as the driven snow.

It may not be easy to understand, but then again neither is love.

 

[cephas161619]

Nope, but it is reasonable to expect a potential spouse to be chaste in her current condition, which means being chaste until you get married this time.

and after getting married to, hopefully!
Everyone is called to the virtue of chastity. You may be thinking of something else, but chastity is simply the proper living of our sexuality. Married people have to be chaste too! We just need to understand what it is and what it’s not. It’s not abstaining from all sexual activity, but it is living only that sexual activity which is proper to one’s state in life.

 

[cthulhubryan]

and after getting married to, hopefully!
Everyone is called to the virtue of chastity. You may be thinking of something else, but chastity is simply the proper living of our sexuality. Married people have to be chaste too! We just need to understand what it is and what it’s not. It’s not abstaining from all sexual activity, but it is living only that sexual activity which is proper to one’s state in life.

Right you are, very good point.

 

[jorgeraul3]

You know this whole thread bring to mind St. Joseph…

No, I’m not gonna reprimand all men and say they should all be like St. Joseph. Saintly people do saintly things, and as Christians we already know this is what we should strive for.

So even if single Moms have it tough, in the end, when they find the right man he will be the reflection of St. Joseph’s saintliness.

 

[ahollars]

I was referring to the males who knock up women and then don’t do right by them but instead go off to defile other women and leave others to deal with the messy situations they create. And that includes the job of being a father to the kid they now have. If THOSE were the people you were calling upon to step and mend, then OK, but for the future, you need to be clearer in your posts; even the OP wondered where your remark came from.

And a lot of male virgins (yes, believe it or not, they DO exist) do not feel compatible with non-virgins, whether or not there is a child or not. One married woman on this forum PMed me a perfect analogy regarding the virgin-bashing here on CAF (which is disgusting, since one would think that people who obey the Church rules would be respected and rewarded rather than villified, but I guess that shows that CAF has its share of CINOs) is like trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

When I was 13, my eldest sister, who and had just finished high school, got pregnant. Her boyfriend of two years immediately dumped her and moved on. My sister, who remained chaste afterward, was left to fend for herself, relying on family. Somehow, all those young men who were interested in her before, now found her undesirable. She was damaged goods, and that was it. Even though they knew she was available, and doing the right thing, she wasn’t good enough for them. I knew then that if I met a single mother not to automatically assume that she had nothing to offer that would be good enough for me.

Virgin bashing? Yes, that’s wrong, and I don’t do it. But what do you call what you’ve said so far? You told me to be more specific, yet you got people riled up just as much with your “fornicating bum” comment.

Yes, it is wrong that they messed up, but no, that does not mean they are not beautiful in the eyes of God. His standard should be good enough for any man. I’ll say it again. I don’t think you understand what you are missing. Think of it as a packaged deal. So what if it’s not new. At least it’s proven reliable.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I have 3 kids, when my bf’s family found out about my 3 kids they went hay wire!! Couldn’t believe he would be willing to get into a relationship with kids all ready in the picture… He said “what’s the big deal? They are more of her to love? I don’t understand the problem…I am not a virgin and can’t expect the woman I choose to marry to be one, I was tempted 2x thinking it was going to go far, and I don’t expect any woman that comes into my life to be a virgin when I have made mistakes too, besides she’s a good woman and more than that I will not ask for”…

But soon after when things got serious he began to understand the whole “baggage” title given to women with kids…And it’s not that there is no time for the adults it was the competition he has against their father…TO 2 of my children, even though their father is non-existant from the past 4 years…Their father is still number 1, and no matter how much my bf and I try to explain that he’s not here to replace their father, it’s a challenge he will have to continue living with…He has won 1 of my children permanently, my middle child is starting to love him as well, my daughter is the only one still giving hard times about accepting a new man in my life…She’s open to it, and tells me she is ok with him, but that’s as far as she’s willing to go right now…

My sis-in-law, brother’s wife, she told me that she was like that with her step father and still to this day, she doesn’t love him, she respects him and likes him and cares for him for all the love he has given her mother but that’s as far as she’s willing to go with that…

Hopefully my daughter will grow to love him as a friend, and not dislike him any more…Because he’s not here to replace her father he’s here to be my companion and their friend…

Women with children are no less important or worst than women without children…Or virgins… It’s like a girl whom gets raped does that mean she’s dirty? No…What about all those girls like my boyfriend’s brother whom has been living with his now wife for 6 years…What about them, they were living together since she was 15 and he went and bragged to the whole world that he got a virgin! They lived together and of course had sex etc, and then celebrated a huge white wedding…She was no longer a virgin and neither was he… Does that mean that is wrong and she’s not worthy enough? Or any other girl whom makes the mistake of having premarital sex and doesn’t end up pg and goes and tells everyone she’s still a virgin? What about such situations…

One of my friend’s is a single mom, started dating someone about 6 months ago, and her two daughter’s love this man all ready…He’s kind and sweet…He has told many of his friend’s that it’s the greatest feeling in the world, he even wants to marry her and have more children, I told her she needs to hold on to this man as much as possible! LOL I do wish them well, and he wouldn’t change her for any single women without children…He told us he loves the entire package and hopes to add more to the package, he said he didn’t even want kids until he got with her and now hopes to make more!! He said he was really lonely and had a pretty boring life compared to a woman and 2 children! LOL God willing they get married and have a larger family, I know those little girls would be thrilled!!!

I don’t even know many men that say that about their “virgin” women…And I have met a few that were still “virgin” white dress and all that got married and their husbands never said anything like that about them…So doesn’t mean that a single mom is a bad thing at all, you might actually want kids faster…lol

 

[whatevergirl]

*Charlotte…there IS hope. Hope in the Lord, and you will never hope in vain. I think that there are many people who have made poor choices in a ‘past life,’ meaning maybe there are men and women out there who have chosen the wrong girl/guy to be with the first time around. Our Church doesn’t condemn them. If you have run across Catholics who show that type of attitude, shame on them! But, on the flip side, if a man or woman does not want to marry a woman/man with children, that is their choice too. I don’t think that makes them judgemental…everyone has to choose what might work best for them.

I am a firm believer on allowing God to direct us to our future spouses. How can we go wrong then, right?

It’s sad that some on here see single mothers as charity cases…how about single dads? It has to be tough for you Charlotte…when you are seeking a potential spouse, you will always have to wonder if he will accept your child. I have a friend who goes through this–it is quite tough, she has been single for sometime, because she hasn’t met a man yet willing to accept her AND her child. And frankly, that’s the man’s right, but it doesn’t make it easier on the woman.

Hang in there, and know you’re in my prayers…and THANK YOU for the lovely pics you posted in my visitor page. You are too kind. :hug1:*

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh yeah…what is a CINO? I have never heard of that!

 

[cephas161619]

Oh yeah…what is a CINO? I have never heard of that!

Catholic In Name Only

 

[whatevergirl]

*OH! LOL Thanks cephas.

In rereading this thread, I can see that many men would think single moms are looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue them from single motherhood–yes, those types of single moms are out there. But, there are lots of single moms AND dads who are looking for someone to share their lives and faith with–just like single people who are not parents.

I don’t judge single parents…for their pasts…and I don’t judge men and women who are single, who choose to only marry people who have no kids. To each’s own.

Charlotte…again, know I’m praying for you! Stay focused on Christ…always, and He will guide you to what you should do with your life…and if there is a ‘right’ man out there for you–He will move things around in both of your lives so your paths will cross. I really believe this. *

 

[trish_scotland]

Um, forgive me, but your parish sounds wierd. I have never heard an announcement like this. I have attended at least 7 parishes in a regular, long term way in the course of my life, and visited probably dozens of others. And these were all over the US, from California to North Carolina, from Texas to Montana.

There is no way anyone but the couple knows for certain whether that is true. How could they announce that? Never mind that anyone’s chastity is a private matter! No priest or church functionary should be yelling out personal information about people’s virginity status at Mass.

I’m seriously wondering if this is true… it just doesn’t jibe with any of my experiences at any Catholic church.

In any case, I think you should concentrate on raising your child. The child only has one parent and does not need your already limited time and focus further divided away from him/her. When your child is ready to leave the nest, then date. You will be able to do so with a clear conscience, without worrying you are taking time away from your child that is rightly his/hers.

Why shouldnt she have happyness now? come on get a grip you can fall in love be married all without taking timeout from your children!

 

[Norseman82]

When I was 13, my eldest sister, who and had just finished high school, got pregnant. Her boyfriend of two years immediately dumped her and moved on.

Please don’t tell me you’re OK with that. Did he at least pay child support? Didn’t you ONCE say to yourself “I wish I could bench more so that I could drag him tro open spar night to “talk” some sense into him”? Did ANYONE in your family try to tell him “You break it, you bought it”?

When I was 13, my eldest sister, who and had just finished high school, got pregnant. Her boyfriend of two years immediately dumped her and moved on. My sister, who remained chaste afterward, was left to fend for herself, relying on family. Somehow, all those young men who were interested in her before, now found her undesirable. She was damaged goods, and that was it. Even though they knew she was available, and doing the right thing, she wasn’t good enough for them. I knew then that if I met a single mother not to automatically assume that she had nothing to offer that would be good enough for me.

Virgin bashing? Yes, that’s wrong, and I don’t do it. But what do you call what you’ve said so far? You told me to be more specific, yet you got people riled up just as much with your “fornicating bum” comment.

Yes, it is wrong that they messed up, but no, that does not mean they are not beautiful in the eyes of God. His standard should be good enough for any man. I’ll say it again. I don’t think you understand what you are missing. Think of it as a packaged deal. So what if it’s not new. At least it’s proven reliable.

Considering this whole thread was inspired by a bad reaction to a parish giving positive recognition to people who “held out” until marriage, I think that people need to see it from the virgins’ point of view. Face it, a virgin/non-virgin mix has as one of its issues that the virgin may feel shortchanged (and no, confession does NOT reverse that any more than it reverses an STD or reassembles an aborted baby lying in pieces behind a clinic in a dumpster), whether or not a child is born from the fornication. Now, some people can handle it (maybe they are just young and horny and are just grateful to legally have sex with someone), but for others it causes emotional pain and worrying (this is a theme that often pops up in CAF), so if a person does not want to deal with it, that’s a prudent move on their part.

And as far as my harsh words about “fornicating bums”, well, they are posioning the dating pool with their promiscuity. So considering how much trouble they have caused and how much difficulty they cause others, I have no sympathy for them.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I never saw an announcement like the one cited, but if that’s what the OP saw, that’s what she saw.

On the other hand, on one Mothers’ Day, our parish priest had a number of mothers of very young children kind of “showcased” in the front pews as “special” for that day and that Mass, and there were two never-wed mothers among them.

On Fathers’ Day, there was no “showcasing” of Dads, wed or unwed, but not many unwed dads have custody, so I guess it might have been a tough deal had the priest attempted it.

 

[Norseman82]

I knew someone was going to try to play the St. Joseph card…

You know this whole thread bring to mind St. Joseph…

No, I’m not gonna reprimand all men and say they should all be like St. Joseph. Saintly people do saintly things, and as Christians we already know this is what we should strive for.

So even if single Moms have it tough, in the end, when they find the right man he will be the reflection of St. Joseph’s saintliness.

St. Joseph was told by an angel in a dream that Jesus was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit. I highly doubt that this is also the case in the posts here. And if it is, I think there would be some very serious theological consequences.