No kissing in front of mother-in-law

[m_crane]

Is it inappropriate to kiss (just a peck) in front of your mother in law?

Here’s my story, my husband and I where at a picnic, we where put in charge of putting up the tent. My husband is not mechanically inclined so he kept saying it wouldn’t go together. I, knowing this about him, I ignored his protests and instructed him about what went where. We go through this all the time with new tasks. He complains and I persist. We get it done.

Well this time, his mother was there to watch our interaction. I feel she scrutinizes our relationship and ties to pick out my flaws at every chance she can. So I know that I am once again under the microscope. I decide well we have to get this done, so we do our usual routine. A little bickering, a lot of sighing and the tent goes up. When the tent is finally up, I go to my husband, as usual, congratulate him and offer him a kiss, again, our usual routine. But this time he doesn’t kiss me. And I’m wondering why are you being a jerk? But his mom is watching so I let it go. Later, I ask he why he wouldn’t kiss me back and he as usual, pretended not to remember but then he told me he didn’t kiss me in front of his mother because it would make her feel awkward. I asked him why should a peck between husband and wife make her feel awkward. He said because she doesn’t have anyone.

Now before you start thinking she is a freshly grieving widow, this is not the case, she is divorced(her choice) and has had more than her share of relationships.

I am hurt by my husband’s action and this isn’t the first time I’ve seen him behave this way in front of his mother. It seems to be ok to bicker in front of her but he pulls away when it’s time to make up?

What’s up with that? any opinions about how to handle this?

 

[shainski]

No, it’s not inappropriate, but it makes your husband uncomfortable.

For whatever reason, he feels self-conscious being mildly intimate when she is around. This isn’t about you at all.

This has probably been so ingrained in him since he was a child - that you won’t be able to change it - easily anyway.

Even if he realizes that it is silly, he still feels uncomfortable.

It doesn’t sound like you are around your mother-in-law often enough that it should be a major issue - or that you can wear down his discomfort.

So, my opinion on how to handle this is to let it go. You don’t mention that he is resistant to showing affection around anyone else - so why is it important to you to change him?

 

[pensmama87]

I think it’s unusual, but it’s also not something you need to push him about (unless your MIL is around so much that it completely interferes with showing affection with your husband…in which case you’ve got a bigger problem…)

You might ask him to clarify what kind of affection he thinks is appropriate in front of others, not to try and change his mind, necessarily, but just so you know what he is comfortable with.

 

[RoseMary131]

Is it inappropriate to kiss (just a peck) in front of your mother in law?

What’s up with that? any opinions about how to handle this?

That sounds like a very important topic for you and your husband to discuss.

It may take time for him to realize the whole reason why he can not kiss his beloved wife in front of his mother.

Ask him if he is willing to work with you on his feelings and emotions on “why” he can’t give you a kiss in front of his mother.

Ask him to describe what it might feel like to him, if he did kiss you in front of his mother.

Share with him your feelings about each question you ask him. Tell him how you felt when he refused your gift of a kiss.

Ask him if he can over come this issue and kiss you in front of Mom. Then ask him to actually kiss you in front of Mom. Hopefully, he’ll see he doesn’t need to carry any fears or concerns for kissing his wife in front of Mom.

:flowers::curtsey:

 

[shainski]

No, it’s not inappropriate, but it makes your husband uncomfortable.

For whatever reason, he feels self-conscious being mildly intimate when she is around. This isn’t about you at all.

This has probably been so ingrained in him since he was a child - that you won’t be able to change it - easily anyway.

Even if he realizes that it is silly, he still feels uncomfortable.

It doesn’t sound like you are around your mother-in-law often enough that it should be a major issue - or that you can wear down his discomfort.

So, my opinion on how to handle this is to let it go. You don’t mention that he is resistant to showing affection around anyone else - so why is it important to you to change him?

 

[Mumbles140]

Is it inappropriate to kiss (just a peck) in front of your mother in law?

Here’s my story, my husband and I where at a picnic, we where put in charge of putting up the tent. My husband is not mechanically inclined so he kept saying it wouldn’t go together. I, knowing this about him, I ignored his protests and instructed him about what went where. We go through this all the time with new tasks. He complains and I persist. We get it done.

Well this time, his mother was there to watch our interaction. I feel she scrutinizes our relationship and ties to pick out my flaws at every chance she can. So I know that I am once again under the microscope. I decide well we have to get this done, so we do our usual routine. A little bickering, a lot of sighing and the tent goes up. When the tent is finally up, I go to my husband, as usual, congratulate him and offer him a kiss, again, our usual routine. But this time he doesn’t kiss me. And I’m wondering why are you being a jerk? But his mom is watching so I let it go. Later, I ask he why he wouldn’t kiss me back and he as usual, pretended not to remember but then he told me he didn’t kiss me in front of his mother because it would make her feel awkward. I asked him why should a peck between husband and wife make her feel awkward. He said because she doesn’t have anyone.

Now before you start thinking she is a freshly grieving widow, this is not the case, she is divorced(her choice) and has had more than her share of relationships.

I am hurt by my husband’s action and this isn’t the first time I’ve seen him behave this way in front of his mother. It seems to be ok to bicker in front of her but he pulls away when it’s time to make up?

What’s up with that? any opinions about how to handle this?

I’d think she should take joy that you all can work together how you do, get the task completed, and then kiss in love and happiness for a job well done! I’d approach it gingerly with your husband (especially since you already feel like your MiL puts you under a microscope), but I don’t think kissing in front of her is rude, insensitive, or offensive.

 

[mcw013]

I am not married, but I can share your husbands view to a certain point. In the few brief relationships that I did have, I have never kissed or hugged anyone in front of my mother.

It’s really difficult to explain, it’s like my mother will judge me, and the person who I do those things to. Maybe it is her being jealous or something like (Who is this girl to do that to my son?). I really dont know, but I never did those things to avoid a really uncomfortable situation.

I had a female friend who came to my family’s apatment, to have coffee with me one day (back when we still lived in an apartment).

Turns out we went for a walk after that, and my friend explained that she was freaked out by the way my mother was looking at her. Like some kind of judgemental way. Imagine what would have happened if that friend was my girlfriend/ wife, and she kissed me like you did to your husband?

Mothers can be really funny/fussy sometimes. Maybe your husband is in a similar situation with his mother. I really don’t know, but maybe.

 

[1ke]

My DH is kinda weird about PDA-- not just in front of MIL but just in general.

So, I go with it.

 

[Mumbles140]

I am not married, but I can share your husbands view to a certain point. In the few brief relationships that I did have, I have never kissed or hugged anyone in front of my mother.

It’s really difficult to explain, it’s like my mother will judge me, and the person who I do those things to. Maybe it is her being jealous or something like (Who is this girl to do that to my son?). I really dont know, but I never did those things to avoid a really uncomfortable situation.

I had a female friend who came to my family’s apatment, to have coffee with me one day (back when we still lived in an apartment).

Turns out we went for a walk after that, and my friend explained that she was freaked out by the way my mother was looking at her. Like some kind of judgemental way. Imagine what would have happened if that friend was my girlfriend/ wife, and she kissed me like you did to your husband?

Mothers can be really funny/fussy sometimes. Maybe your husband is in a similar situation with his mother. I really don’t know, but maybe.

I hate to pull this card, but it is quite different when you are married. Your parents should celebrate that love, including the affection. I like to think my parents and in-laws find it ‘sweet’ when we kiss. Obviously, we don’t act inappropriately, but have never thought twice about kissing or hugging.

That’s kind of the thing about marriage, though - even if your mother is judging you, your responsibilities are to your wife first. Not saying to intentionally kiss in front of your mother to make a point, but I suspect you’ll kiss your bride at your wedding, with her family, your family, and all of your friends watching. If they don’t object to that, they shouldn’t object to any kiss thereafter!

 

[maryjk]

I hate to pull this card, but it is quite different when you are married. Your parents should celebrate that love, including the affection. I like to think my parents and in-laws find it ‘sweet’ when we kiss. Obviously, we don’t act inappropriately, but have never thought twice about kissing or hugging.

My MIL doesn’t think it is sweet. But she is weird. Oh, and she doesn’t like me.

My parents kissed, hugged and held hands in front of us. That is where I learned it. And now our son sees us do it. So he thinks it is normal.

 

[EasterJoy]

Asking you not to kiss him in front of his widowed mother is not so much for your DH to ask. That’s the display of affection he wants, so considering being gracious and giving him that, instead of the display you want. If your mother doesn’t live in the same house with you, it is not that much to ask. (And it will be ammunition when you explain to your teens that you, too, have had to put restraints on yourself with regards to PDAs, for the sake of the comfort of others. Leading by example requires some doing!)

 

[Mumbles140]

My MIL doesn’t think it is sweet. But she is weird. Oh, and she doesn’t like me.

My parents kissed, hugged and held hands in front of us. That is where I learned it. And now our son sees us do it. So he thinks it is normal.

I’m fortunate that my in-laws are very wonderful people, and my parents treat my wife like they like her more than they do me (I don’t blame them - she’s great!). But, both my mother and my mother-in-law have always been mistreated by their respective mothers-in-law, which is a shame because they are such wonderful women.

 

[Mumbles140]

Asking you not to kiss him in front of his widowed mother is not so much for your DH to ask. That’s the display of affection he wants, so considering being gracious and giving him that, instead of the display you want. If your mother doesn’t live in the same house with you, it is not that much to ask. (And it will be ammunition when you explain to your teens that you, too, have had to put restraints on yourself with regards to PDAs, for the sake of the comfort of others. Leading by example requires some doing!)

FYI - the mother isn’t widowed (the OP stated she would understand if that were the case), but rather divorced, and has since had several relationships.

 

[m_crane]

Hi again,

Unfortunately, I am increasingly spending more time with mother-in-law. And have noticed my husband acts a little coldly toward me when she is around. He gets a little attitude. I think it is because he knows that I won’t call him out on it in front of his mother. I could be wrong about the reason but it does happen. I am assuming the reason is what he said when I asked him, that he feels that showing affection in front of his mother makes her uncomfortable.

I need to add that during the tent incident, I asked my niece if she would get my reading glasses from the car and the mother in law mimicked me and said in a sing song voice " Sally, when you done doing that can you get me a drink next. I’m like what? My niece just ignored her and went to get my glasses.

I have another story about something that happened a while ago. DH, me an Mil were going out for dinner to a BYOB place so we stopped a liquor in a little bit of a seedy area. He wanted me to go in and get the wine, I refused without an escort. We got into it ( meaning a debate about who would go in), again in front of the mother nothing harsh just me telling him that he should be the one to in and that I would talk to him later about to the why. He already knows that I am not one to go in bars or liquor stores alone. It wasn’t a fight , just my husband being a little insensitive to my insecurities for lack of a better word.

So we as we exchange these words mother in-law pipes up from the backset “So this is how it really is between you two” My husband said nothing to her and I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to butt in on our conversation but again I felt as though she thinks we don’t ever get along and is looking to discover evidence for her case. I could name dozens more incidents and zingers that give me reason to think this is what she is thinking and gossiping about.

With this said, I think that my husband is giving her, by not kissing me, support for her conclusions.

And a side note, she is always mentions incidents in a derogatory fashion about her son-in-law and new granddaughter-in-law. She speculates on neighbors marriage too. She thinks her son-in-law is wronging her daughter and always has a story. She occasionally fills us in on how her grandson’s wife goes out with her friends regularly and leaves him to watch the their child indicating that she suspects lack of full commitment to the marriage. And if the the wifebuys something she is putting her grandson in debt. These are all petty unfounded stories with most of the truth left out and as far as I can tell they are all very happily married. When she says this stuff, I just tell her that every marriage is different but I really want to tell her to mind her own business and stay out of peoples marriages.

I just don’t like her picking apart at our marriage and anyone else’s and I really want to put and end to it but I don’t know how. The more time I spent with her the more, I am beginning to want to call her out on it but I want to handle this with my husband acknowledging her picking and putting an end to it. Her picking and gossip happens almost every time we spend with her.

It’s hard to be around this woman and it’s hard on my marriage but I have to because she has no one else.
I thought that showing a little affection around her might get her to stop looking for ways to pick at our marriage and make things a little more pleasant when we are together.

I am actually to the point where I am thinking of moving because I am beginning to resent my husband’s lack of response to her picking. We are starting to have problems because I have a strong inclination to avoid people who I feel pick at me.(I’m thinking back to the occasional mean girl in high school) And this is what I am doing- looking for excuses not to be around her.

My husband is a little lazy(passive) when it come to doing work in our relationship especially when it comes to things that I have a problem with.

When we where first married he used to have a very antagonistic relationship with his mother.
He would say things just to set her off and it was easy. I thought they had a very nutty relationship. For years I would tell him to call her when it seemed too long since he had heard from her this healed their relationship. And now that she is without a boyfriend, she is a regular in our lives.
But now that they are close again and it seems to be at my expense.

I think she is still dysfunctional and he is now getting pulled back into unhealthy behavior.

 

[heidi_storage]

The husband–wife relationship takes precedence over the mother–adult child relationship. The mother’s feelings oughtn’t drive a wedge between spouses.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Asking you not to kiss him in front of his widowed mother is not so much for your DH to ask. That’s the display of affection he wants, so considering being gracious and giving him that, instead of the display you want. If your mother doesn’t live in the same house with you, it is not that much to ask. (And it will be ammunition when you explain to your teens that you, too, have had to put restraints on yourself with regards to PDAs, for the sake of the comfort of others. Leading by example requires some doing!)

She isn’t widowed, she’s divorced and she’s had several boyfriends since then.

But regardless of her own relationship situation there should never be a reason why he can’t give his wife a peck. And if that peck makes his mom uncomfortable that’s her problem. Her feelings should not damper normal and polite affection between spouses.

 

[m_crane]

Asking you not to kiss him in front of his widowed mother is not so much for your DH to ask. That’s the display of affection he wants, so considering being gracious and giving him that, instead of the display you want. If your mother doesn’t live in the same house with you, it is not that much to ask. (And it will be ammunition when you explain to your teens that you, too, have had to put restraints on yourself with regards to PDAs, for the sake of the comfort of others. Leading by example requires some doing!)

Sorry, but MIL is NOT a widow she is once divorced and 2 years out of a cohabiting relationship.

I would never be that way around a grieving widow that would be insensitive, I agree.
But do you have a problem with a peck between to married people especially in front on one has just paid very close attention to their lover spat? She could have just found something else to do, other people managed to mind their own business in fact no one else paid any mind. She was the only one scrutinizing our squabble. Everybody else was doing their own things helping out.

 

[shainski]

Okay, this makes it clearer to me.

You MIL is a sarcastic - kind of petty person. She twists events to suit what she wants to say. I know the type well.

No wonder your husband is uncomfortable showing affection around her - she may very well twist it into something ugly.

But you are not going to change your MIL by doing a performance in front of her. She is who she is and you either have to accept it or ignore her.

My brother’s MIL was similar. She would throw out outrageous comments about people - usually in a sarcastic manner. She was larger than life in everything. I didn’t see her all that often - so i shrugged it off, or played along with her sarcasm. But it drove my mother nuts. She would always feel that she had to come to the honor of my brother.

One time when my brother was walking up the sidewalk after work - for some reason my mother was at their house. Their MIL said something like “Here comes ugly.”. My mother was so upset that she didn’t know what to do. So she tells me later - “I just said to her - ‘here comes handsome.’ that really told her.”. My mom told me that story a number of times - finally i just had to tell her that she wasn’t putting the MIL in her place. The MIL wasn’t capable of understanding that you were putting her in her place. She is a sarcastic woman - and she just says things without meaning. Don’t let that upset you.

I don’t think your husband is avoiding the PDA to save your MIL discomfort. I think he is uncomfortable himself showing PDA in front of her - and it has nothing to do with you. If he were married to anyone else - it would be exactly the same. And how your MIL reacts to all those others tells me that this is true.

But one thing i am certain of - you are not going to change your MIL no matter what you do - even if you could convince your husband to show cute little loving hugs and kisses in front of her. I think if you could convince your husband to pull that off, she would find some kind of defensive obnoxious comment about the lovebirds (e.g. “you two better get a room”)- and then you would have to deal with that.

 

[Xantippe]

MIL sounds like a real piece of work. You and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk about all of this and you need to come up with a solution that you can both live with–either live farther away from MIL, see less of MIL, or stand up to MIL.

“When she says this stuff, I just tell her that every marriage is different but I really want to tell her to mind her own business and stay out of peoples marriages.”

Go ahead and speak up a little more. Example 1: “I think it’s really nice that Suzie is able to go out with her friends occasionally. It’s good for the kids to spend time with their dad and Suzie gets a break. I notice Steve is really good with the kids.” Example 2: "I really like Joanne. Did you know that [include meandering story of favor Joanne did for you]? Example 3: “Oh, I saw Wendy’s new widget! It’s really neat. I’ve been thinking of getting one too.” Example 4: “It sounds like Chris is doing really well at the sardine-packing plant. I hear he got promoted to manager.” Every time she runs down somebody, lift them up again or change the subject.

“It’s hard to be around this woman and it’s hard on my marriage but I have to because she has no one else.”

Gee, I wonder why?

Point this out to your husband–the reason you guys have been left holding the bag (so to speak) is that she’s run off everybody else.

“I thought that showing a little affection around her might get her to stop looking for ways to pick at our marriage and make things a little more pleasant when we are together.”

You need to get your husband on board for any project like this. If he’s not comfortable with, it’s not going to work.

 

[m_crane]

Okay, this makes it clearer to me.

You MIL is a sarcastic - kind of petty person. She twists events to suit what she wants to say. I know the type well.

No wonder your husband is uncomfortable showing affection around her - she may very well twist it into something ugly.

But you are not going to change your MIL by doing a performance in front of her. She is who she is and you either have to accept it or ignore her.

My brother’s MIL was similar. She would throw out outrageous comments about people - usually in a sarcastic manner. She was larger than life in everything. I didn’t see her all that often - so i shrugged it off, or played along with her sarcasm. But it drove my mother nuts. She would always feel that she had to come to the honor of my brother.

One time when my brother was walking up the sidewalk after work - for some reason my mother was at their house. Their MIL said something like “Here comes ugly.”. My mother was so upset that she didn’t know what to do. So she tells me later - “I just said to her - ‘here comes handsome.’ that really told her.”. My mom told me that story a number of times - finally i just had to tell her that she wasn’t putting the MIL in her place. The MIL wasn’t capable of understanding that you were putting her in her place. She is a sarcastic woman - and she just says things without meaning. Don’t let that upset you.

I don’t think your husband is avoiding the PDA to save your MIL discomfort. I think he is uncomfortable himself showing PDA in front of her - and it has nothing to do with you. If he were married to anyone else - it would be exactly the same. And how your MIL reacts to all those others tells me that this is true.

But one thing i am certain of - you are not going to change your MIL no matter what you do - even if you could convince your husband to show cute little loving hugs and kisses in front of her. I think if you could convince your husband to pull that off, she would find some kind of defensive obnoxious comment about the lovebirds (e.g. “you two better get a room”)- and then you would have to deal with that.

I think you are right on the mark. I know I can’t change her. And honestly, it hurts to know she has so little regard for me. And I could see her saying the get a room thing even after a peck on the lips.
One time, at a cousin"s wedding when I was dancing with my husband she shot me a mean look from the table we shared, then grabbed her sister’s hand and made her get up and slow dance with her. Of course, my husband did not see the look she shot me.
The weird part is it was the first dance we had danced the whole night not like we were at each other all night, we are generally very private and not at all mushy as a couple.

I think my husband should put her in her place from time to time, even if it has little or no effect on her behavior.