No kissing in front of mother-in-law

[Xantippe]

I worry about the bickering. It seems like the OP and her husband have gotten into some bad habits, even though they are both decent people and love each other.

One thing I’ve always heard is that you should have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one with your spouse for a happy marriage. I feel like that even with the make-up peck, the OP and her husband would have had the opposite balance–easily 5 negative interactions versus the one positive interaction. Relationally speaking, I think you guys are overdrawn and are bouncing checks. There just aren’t enough “funds available” to cover all the withdrawals that have been made.

 

[dconklin]

I think the OP (like many of us) has gone down the slippery slope of giving someone else way to much power in their lives. If you are ever doing something because of what someone else might think you have given them control over you. Worry about what your spouse and kids think/know.

 

[m_crane]

I’m not sure it’s a matter of being owed a kiss necessarily. I think it’s more an issue of wanting to make it clear to others that you are a happy and affectionate couple.

My husband and I have a rule that we have never broken: we do not fight in front of others, at all, period. But of course sometimes people get stressed out and sometimes we do sound snippy towards one another. After that happens we both make sure that as soon as we calm down we are back to holding hands and pecking, because we really wouldn’t want to give the impression that we are anything less than happy together.

I assume that’s all the OP wants. Just a way to signal to others that no, this is not the default state of your marriage. That’s pretty normal.

This is close to what I’m really trying to say. I would love to not argue in front of others, unfortunately this is when my husband picks to start being uncooperative. Believe me, I wish I could have walked away from that one. But my mother needed the help and it was up to me and my husband to help. I felt badly because my mother was doing all the cooking and she need that tent up because it was going to rain. She has a very small house and guests where coming soon. My niece helped but this was really a job for tall adults.

I have come to realize two things where going on that day. My husband was angry at me because we were not doing anything special that weekend. No traveling no parties. That was entirely do to budget restraints but somehow that was my fault. * I’m not Kidding we are in serious debt. *He wanted to throw a party himself but he does none of the work for these events so I refused do to exhaustion and poverty. I am exhausted from so much work and so many financial concerns. I didn’t know that he was that angry. So I figured we were having one of our regular tiffs.

I spoke with my husband today and he said that he was angry and bearing a grudge that day. So he hurt me purposely and in front of his mother. Maybe he didn’t realize how bad that would be for me.

It hit me hard when he got that mean and then attributed it to being sensitive to his mother’s feelings.
I didn’t know he was holding a grudge. Strangely, I feel better knowing that he was acting like a brat and that I really didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry that his mom got such a thrill out of seeing him do this to me but shame on her for that. I’m sorry that I let myself think that the MIL could have enough power to control my husbands affection toward me and that she was a main reason for this meanness shame on me for being so overly sensitive… And shame on him for holding a grudge because I didn’t properly entertain him that weekend, I’m trying to keep us out of debt. I’m sad for him because he really doesn’t know much he could be doing to strengthen our marriage if only he would just communicate more and stop with these secret grudges.

Strangely enough, I find it easy to forgive him now. And I am relieved because I know he holds grudges, this is also a part of his regular routine. He usually, eventually comes to the understanding that I do the things I do for our good.

And reading all your posts has helped me find the right things to say to him to get him to communicate that he was holding grudge that day. So thanks to all.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is close to what I’m really trying to say. I would love to not argue in front of others, unfortunately this is when my husband picks to start being uncooperative. Believe me, I wish I could have walked away from that one. But my mother needed the help and it was up to me and my husband to help. I felt badly because my mother was doing all the cooking and she need that tent up because it was going to rain. She has a very small house and guests where coming soon. My niece helped but this was really a job for tall adults.

I have come to realize two things where going on that day. My husband was angry at me because we were not doing anything special that weekend. No traveling no parties. That was entirely do to budget restraints but somehow that was my fault. * I’m not Kidding we are in serious debt. *He wanted to throw a party himself but he does none of the work for these events so I refused do to exhaustion and poverty. I am exhausted from so much work and so many financial concerns. I didn’t know that he was that angry. So I figured we were having one of our regular tiffs.

I spoke with my husband today and he said that he was angry and bearing a grudge that day. So he hurt me purposely and in front of his mother. Maybe he didn’t realize how bad that would be for me.

It hit me hard when he got that mean and then attributed it to being sensitive to his mother’s feelings.
I didn’t know he was holding a grudge. Strangely, I feel better knowing that he was acting like a brat and that I really didn’t do anything wrong. I am sorry that his mom got such a thrill out of seeing him do this to me but shame on her for that. I’m sorry that I let myself think that the MIL could have enough power to control my husbands affection toward me and that she was a main reason for this meanness shame on me for being so overly sensitive… And shame on him for holding a grudge because I didn’t properly entertain him that weekend, I’m trying to keep us out of debt. I’m sad for him because he really doesn’t know much he could be doing to strengthen our marriage if only he would just communicate more and stop with these secret grudges.

Strangely enough, I find it easy to forgive him now. And I am relieved because I know he holds grudges, this is also a part of his regular routine. He usually, eventually comes to the understanding that I do the things I do for our good.

And reading all your posts has helped me find the right things to say to him to get him to communicate that he was holding grudge that day. So thanks to all.

This is good to hear. Perhaps you can work through these things a bit at a time together, in a similar way.