No longer Catholic

[aperez72]

Hello everyone, pleased to meet you. I joined this forum because I’m always looking for a religious, faith based point of view answer to my questions. I was raised as a traditional catholic, my parents and family were regular Sunday church-goers, and made sure we received all our sacraments. I am a very spiritual person and enjoy learning more about the Catholic religion and our faith. My husband was also raised as a traditional Catholic, but his family was very active at their church, he attended catholic school all his life and even attended the seminary for 2 years of High School. My husband is very resentful towards the Catholic church, will not attend Sunday mass and gets upset when I contribute financially to our church or any Catholic charities, calls the Catholic church a bunch of theives. Our daughter just started Kindergarden and I chose to send her to a Catholic school. My husband says he beleives in God and has a “good” relationship with God. I am an open-minded person and feel that my husband has a choice to not agree with the Catholic church and traditions, but it hurts me that he will not attend Sunday mass with us as a family. There are many Catholics marries to non-Catholics and the non-Catholic spouse will attend Sunday mass and other Church events with their Catholic spouse; I recently was talking with a co-worker who is a non-Catholic but supported his wife in raising their kids Catholic and even sending to Catholic schools, once a month they attend his church. This man stated “that’s what we agreed was best for the kids.”

I don’t understand why my husband is so resentful towards the Catholic Church…could something have happened to him, like sexual abuse maybe? Is he resentful that maybe the Church did nothing for his family because even though his parents sent him and his siblings to Catholic school and they were very active in church, his parents were separated and his family fell apart when he was 14 years old.

I feel that this is affecting our relationship and marriage, our family life and parenting our children. We argue over what is best for our kids, how to live as a family…he’s very resistant to anything I propose or any opinion I give…love and respect seems so foreign to him. Recently during a heated argument he said so many times he’s wanted to destroy all our wedding pictures because its all a fake…we were married in the Catholic churc and had a beautiful wedding, we have two children 8 yrs and 5 yrs old, and most of our family sees us as having a good family. He’s very impulsive and erratic, he’s never hurt me physically but psychologically I feel so abused.

I always feel uncomfortable asking him what he thinks about our children receiving all their sacraments and talking about religion. Our son will be starting Catechism in a couple of weeks because I signed him up; my husband makes comments about 2 years beign too long, why does our son have to go to catechism for two years to have his first comunion…he starts bashing the church and then he says we should just take him to Mexico and have him do it over the summer or find a quick and easy program. This bothers me a lot and it bothers me that my kids will grow up beleiving that Religion is not important. I try to set an example for my kids and I am always excited about Sunday mass, my son is excited and can’t wait to have his first comunion. Every Sunday he walks up during comunion to receive only a blessing and then he says to me, but Mom when can I have the bread and wine. He understands the body and blood of Christ and he is so anxious to have it. He asks so many questions, like “How does it taste?” “How do you feel?”

Is it possible for someone to choose to no longer be Catholic, but continue supporting their spouse who wishes to stay Catholic and raise their children in the Catholic faith?

 

[Balian]

Hello,

Sounds as if you are facing a very difficult situation for which there seem no easy answers. I assume from the things you shared that you have already tried the obvious, attempted to ask your husband the same questions you have posed here without getting any answers.

I don’t understand why my husband is so resentful towards the Catholic Church…could something have happened to him, like sexual abuse maybe?

Based on what you have written I really doubt that your husband’s resentment is due to sexual abuse. I think if that were the case you would see other issues in your marriage resulting from that instead of simply the things you mentioned.

his parents were separated and his family fell apart when he was 14 years old.

Because you included he information about your husband’s family family breaking apart when he was 14 along with the rather bizarre behavior where he said he wanted to destroy the wedding photos because “it’s all fake” my guess would be that he has some unresolved issues over what happened with his parents. Also I’m guessing that he views the church as having some responsibility for what he finds upsetting about those issues.

It seems quite evident your husband would likely benefit from counseling but again based on what you shared I’d assume it is unlikely he would agree to that idea.

A few things seem givens. He doesn’t share your views on the church or in raising your children. He doesn’t seem interested in helping you to understand his issues. He isn’t likely to change on his own since he has the resentment he won’t discuss with you as far as the reason for it. He doesn’t seem to respect you enough to cooperate with you on important family matters. So my own only suggestion is that can’t really do more at present than focus on you and your children. Perhaps you could seek a counselor to talk with to explore your options.

Is it possible for someone to choose to no longer be Catholic, but continue supporting their spouse who wishes to stay Catholic and raise their children in the Catholic faith?

Yes, it is certainly possible as the discussion with your co-worker demonstrates. Yes, that situation was a bit different from yours yet in a healthy marital relationship it is only common courtesy and respect that your husband would choose to do what is right for his wife and family in spite of his resentment towards the church. It’s interesting that he feels he has a good relationship with God in light of his behavior toward you.

I will also pray for you because I can imagine how difficult all this must be and frankly I feel moved to pray on your behalf. I do hope that something happens to motivate your husband to stop treating you in such a hurtful way as I easily can imagine how unhappy your situation must feel.

God bless you.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

aperez72:
Your situation is pretty common. I know as ex-priest that was so much against the Church that he has gone mad, according to his lovely wife.

His 4 brothers were priests who left priesthood for they were by their parents blackmailed into becoming priests. the result were 5 married men who when joining at meals spent the whole time making fun of the Church.

It was impossible to talk to them for no one dared to challenge their crazy theories, one after the other in endless bursts.

I would say that you need to slowly go deep into your husband soul and ask what happened and ask him endless questions till you get the truth. Be prepared for the worse though I would not expect anything grave. But unless you go deep into his deep soul, my opinion, no answer ca be given for we know not the problem.

 

[Trishie]

It is possible yes. My husband was a lapsed convert but supported even my going to Mass each day.
It does sound like your husband has a lot of bitterness, and he does subject you to emotional abuse as is evident from much of what you shared.
Though you do speak of a sound religious family, it cannot have been as rosy as you are given to believe or his parents wouldn’t have broken up.
I would be inclined to wonder if your husband’s negative and resentful views possibly stem from family dysfunction and the break-up and whatever followed, and there is no easy solution to a mindset that is resentful and inconsiderate,
but you certainly have our understanding and compassion, and our prayers for you, for your children and for your husband.

 

[odile53]

You mentioned that he’s become very impulsive and erratic; that leads me to believe that there is something far more serious going on than simply anger at the Catholic Church. Like substance abuse, or even mental illness.

It’s always worrisome to me when I hear a woman say, “he’s never struck me but he is emotionally abusive…” That can be just as bad, or even worse, than physical abuse, because it saps your very soul. This kind of treatment leads people to think they are responsible somehow and they have to “fix” their spouses. That leads to depression.

Unraveling the whys and wherefores are not a “do-it-yourself” project. The impulsivity and unpredictability are frequently symptoms of something very serious. Look at it this way: If your husband had symptoms of cancer, you wouldn’t try to figure it out and treat it by yourself, would you? You’d contact the best doctor you could find, and get a clear picture, and a clear course of treatment. When you stop and think about it, this is no different.

Find a counselor with whom you can discuss your observations for a clearer idea of what’s actually going on. Actually, your parish priest is a very good place to start. Most of them don’t do anything but short-term pastoral counseling, but most of them are very familiar with professional therapists and counselors. If your husband won’t go, you go by yourself and set forth your observations. And in the meantime, try to avoid arguments over pointless things to him. When he gets unreasonable, drop the discussion or steer it to some neutral thing. Try to get over your pain at him refusing to attend Mass with you and the kids, right now, he’s not emotionally capable of that. You should keep going (i.e., don’t quit going to Mass regardless of the obnoxious things he says) because you need the strength and peace of the Sacraments. You need to stay calm, keep your eyes wide open, and protect your interests and those of your children. And please know that you, and everyone who is facing the uncertainty and pain of feeling as if they have to “walk on eggshells” are in my daily prayers. I know. I’ve been there.

 

[Samuel63]

Is it possible for someone to choose to no longer be Catholic, but continue supporting their spouse who wishes to stay Catholic and raise their children in the Catholic faith?

I am a strong catholic and my wife has been a reluctant follower for over 25 years now. I believe it can work. You have some issues to uncover though with your husband. Something is botherhing him. This may be the parent’s divorce and no more. Divorce has a tremendous destructive effect on children. Have patience.

I recommend some comprimises. Drop catholic school and ask your husband if he will join you in making your home a “domestic church.” Learn the faith in a real and relevant manner in your own home. The catholic schools, in many areas have been damaged by the rebellion within the church after Vatican II and the release of Humana Vitae. In my experience, the faith is not passed on accurately in these schools. In fact, it is worse. A dissenting faith is passed on which has it’s own bundle of issues. An example is the school DRE reprimands a catechist that teaches the doctrine of purgatory, right out of the catechists textbook. Another example, all the kids attend religious education for two years to receive first communion. Afterward, they and their parents never see the inside of the confessional again. This is a serious issue and one outlined by George Weigel in his recent books.

To reset the stage, read “The Faith Explained” by Leo Trese with your husband. This will put you both on the same page so to speak.

Moving on, if your husband has a repressed issue with the church related to parent’s divorce, move away from the church and draw your family closer together. This is the key. Don’t let the church divide your family! This would be a victory for the evil one.

We have found doing daily readings at home from a missal to be fantastic. We read Faith and Life series from Ignatius Press after dinner but before leaving the table. We go to the great churches in the area about once per month to attend mass and see the artwork, history, majesty, etc. We attend regular sunday mass at the local parish. We hit the great sites in the area to inject some fun and adventure into our faith.

We have found in the end, we had to tap into faith formation that came from outside the local diocese. After many years of searching and disappointment, we found one group that has great features and benefits. This is Miles Christi (Soldier of Christ). You can find them and their locations of activity at www.mileschristi.org. They are missionaries to the USA! Archbishop Fulton Sheet predicted we would receive missionaries to the US. He was thought mad at the time. How true he was.

We had a short phase with Opus Dei. It did not work out.

Keep the faith. Eternity is at stake. A cloud of witnesses is cheering you on from above. Run the race to the finish.

 

[1ke]

So what sort of conversations about religion did you have before marriage? Has he been non-practicing and hostile to the faith all along or is this a new thing? Has he been belligerent all along? Did you discuss how you would raise children, how you would practice the faith as a family?

As for why he is acting like this and what is at the root of his anger, you will have to ask him. Why haven’t you asked him in all this time?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hello everyone, pleased to meet you. I joined this forum because I’m always looking for a religious, faith based point of view answer to my questions. I was raised as a traditional catholic, my parents and family were regular Sunday church-goers, and made sure we received all our sacraments. I am a very spiritual person and enjoy learning more about the Catholic religion and our faith. My husband was also raised as a traditional Catholic, but his family was very active at their church, he attended catholic school all his life and even attended the seminary for 2 years of High School. My husband is very resentful towards the Catholic church, will not attend Sunday mass and gets upset when I contribute financially to our church or any Catholic charities, calls the Catholic church a bunch of theives. Our daughter just started Kindergarden and I chose to send her to a Catholic school. My husband says he beleives in God and has a “good” relationship with God. I am an open-minded person and feel that my husband has a choice to not agree with the Catholic church and traditions, but it hurts me that he will not attend Sunday mass with us as a family. There are many Catholics marries to non-Catholics and the non-Catholic spouse will attend Sunday mass and other Church events with their Catholic spouse; I recently was talking with a co-worker who is a non-Catholic but supported his wife in raising their kids Catholic and even sending to Catholic schools, once a month they attend his church. This man stated “that’s what we agreed was best for the kids.”

I don’t understand why my husband is so resentful towards the Catholic Church…could something have happened to him, like sexual abuse maybe? Is he resentful that maybe the Church did nothing for his family because even though his parents sent him and his siblings to Catholic school and they were very active in church, his parents were separated and his family fell apart when he was 14 years old.

I feel that this is affecting our relationship and marriage, our family life and parenting our children. We argue over what is best for our kids, how to live as a family…he’s very resistant to anything I propose or any opinion I give…love and respect seems so foreign to him. Recently during a heated argument he said so many times he’s wanted to destroy all our wedding pictures because its all a fake…we were married in the Catholic churc and had a beautiful wedding, we have two children 8 yrs and 5 yrs old, and most of our family sees us as having a good family. He’s very impulsive and erratic, he’s never hurt me physically but psychologically I feel so abused.

I always feel uncomfortable asking him what he thinks about our children receiving all their sacraments and talking about religion. Our son will be starting Catechism in a couple of weeks because I signed him up; my husband makes comments about 2 years beign too long, why does our son have to go to catechism for two years to have his first comunion…he starts bashing the church and then he says we should just take him to Mexico and have him do it over the summer or find a quick and easy program. This bothers me a lot and it bothers me that my kids will grow up believing that Religion is not important. I try to set an example for my kids and I am always excited about Sunday mass, my son is excited and can’t wait to have his first communion. Every Sunday he walks up during communion to receive only a blessing and then he says to me, but Mom when can I have the bread and wine. He understands the body and blood of Christ and he is so anxious to have it. He asks so many questions, like “How does it taste?” “How do you feel?”

Is it possible for someone to choose to no longer be Catholic, but continue supporting their spouse who wishes to stay Catholic and raise their children in the Catholic faith?

Well, my husband is also angry and resentful at God and the Church, for the same reason yours is - his parents divorced when he was about 14, and he actually had prayed to God in earnest that he would not allow them to divorce because it’s a mortal sin. He offered to be sent to hell in replacement for them. He was very devout when he was young.

He has allowed our sons to attend Catholic schools, and has “faked it” by going to Mass most of the time when they were growing up. I guess I should be grateful for at least that, but there have been many times when it’s been really difficult for me because there is no leadership from him on spiritual matters at all. And, he doesn’t agree about chastity, contraception and even abortion, so we fight about those things, yet he never wanted to have anything to do with explaining what sex is all about. It’s like he wants to undo what I have tried to do with our sons - help them become honorable men.

I can’t really blame him for the whole thing because neither of us was religious when we married - didn’t marry in the church, didn’t go to church, nothing. He didn’t change, I did. And I’m not sure we’re going to make it much longer. It’s been 22 years and honestly, I’m not sure he respects me at all. I guess somehow he’s just been biting his tongue all along.

Get to your priest ASAP and get a recommendation for marriage counseling. In our case, I want a Catholic counselor but my husband didn’t like the Christian counselor we saw so if we go back to counseling, we may go secular for him. And I will see a Catholic counselor myself.

Also, DO NOT give in when your husband starts denigrating the sacraments or the Church. You cannot afford to allow that to stand - or your kids will have no faith at all. Be strong and fight for their souls. Do what you need to do and ask him to support you, and if he can’t support you then to keep his mouth closed and not destroy your children’s just-blossoming faith.

Pray for your husband. I will add you to my prayers. Try to be strong.

 

[joanofarc2008]

You should make a counseling appointment for both of you. Give him the time of the appointment. If he goes than it will be for both of you. If he doesn’t it will be for you. In the meantime pray for the Will of God in this to touch his heart. Also look into supportive counseling for your children as they are seeing this. One other thing please make sure it is a Catholic Counselor - if one is not available try for a Christian one.