I am in a state of soul now where I have no love for certain people, and hatred for others, mostly in my family. … cut your post as mine was too long so had to remove words…
The good news is that your at your lowest point right now, so things can only get better from here! Congrats! (and I am not teasing or joking).
I grew up severely abused and neglected and wound up hating my parents and grandmother (she was the one who was my primary caretaker). That transferred to me hating the world and everything in it. I saw no way out. I had terrible fantasies of doing horrible things to them.
What it tood for me was a couple of things. I needed to get away from them, out of that enviornent. And the toughest thing…I had to realize that even though they did horrible things to me on a daily basis, that basically screwed me over for life, what they did to me was inside me now, it had shaped my personality and my thinking. And the good news from that was that I could actually do something about it! Before that I was just stuck in hate. I wanted them dead. I felt they deserved it.
But by realizing that the problems (even though I nor anyone deserves anything like that) were rubbed off on me, I could do something about it. I trusted no one. I felt I needed a psychiatrist but felt if I told one what thoughts I was having I would wind up locked in a straight jacket and in a rubber room so I drank like a pig to try and cope the best I could. And then I started reading books about disfunctional familes and got validation that it wasn’t my fault and others had terrible experiences like I did. And from readng I found an escape and started to learn about myself and other people.
It was a process to be sure, eventually I moved out of their house into a homelss shelter to get help to learn how to live and learn how to get a job, etc. I had no money and no life skills and was very desperate. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself. If I didn’t do that I’d probably be a 45yo man living in their basement right now, totally in a shell and talking to no one, ever.
But I got help from the people who worked at the shelter and learned for the first time in my life what the word ‘support’ meant in the context of one person giving another support. Some of the counselors were bad, but there were some good one’s. I looked out for them and showed them I wanted to learn and change and volunteered at the shelter and eventually got a paid job there. Then I got to move into a 3/4 way house and still work at the shelter. Then I got a part time job doing laundry. Then I started working with mentally ill adults living in group homes.
I’m mentally ill myself. I have PTSD from my childhood and Major Depression as well. And extreme anxiety. Nightmares, etc, etc. But by reading those books (as I didn’t trust anyone so I turned to books, I figured anyone trying to help me must have an angle where they are trying to con me and hurt me). But in the shelter I was desperate enough to begin to listen to a few counselors there and could tell they were trying to help me. And so I chaced that help.
Now I’m married and have a son. I never thought I would ever have a relationship with a woman as I was a basket case in jr high school and high school. I was a ‘looser’. No duh, being raised by being beaten and molested, etc, etc… lucky I am alive. For a couple of years I drank so heavily I regularly woke up in cities not knowing where I was or how I got there. I was trying to hitchhike home and I didn’t even know where i was and was totally plastered. I slept behind bushes some nights. I walked miles and miles.
But if I can go through what I went through every day of my life for years and years and come out ‘OK’ (people can’t tell I"m mentally ill by looking at me or talking ot me, and that’s not the point anyway), if I can come out OK after being beaten and humiliated and pulled around by my hair at the age of 2 being screamed at by a drunken grandmother and molested by my mother, and growing up in a home that was chaotic and make it to where I am (and I still have problems), so can YOU.
I’ve only recently returned to the Catholic Church, going to confession for the first time in 17 years about 5 months ago. Boy, what a weight that lifted off my shoulders. And I find that my praying to get the negativity out of me and to be filled with good things helps me, little by little. It certainly takes my mind off my problems. And it calms me down.
I’ve been a drunk, a sex addict, a smoker, a food addict, a steroid addict, a food addict, and again a smoker. I have intentions to quit again. The stress got too much so I went back to a bad old habit. But I’ve managed to work for the same company for the past 18 years. I could have went on disability if I wanted when I went to the shelter, they would have helped me with that, but I felt I could learn to work and wanted to do that so did that.
Mostly I’m exhausted after work and spend my nights and weekends in bed…but it’s MY bed. And I have doctors who help me. And God and Jesus who help me. And all of those people can help you too. And I’m willing to try myself as I know what it’s like to be filled with hate. The thing about that is though, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the OTHER PERSON to get sick. It really hurts ourself. It’s hard to change that and takes time but I"m living proof it’s possible.
Don’t give up.
God Bless You and thanks for having the courage to share what your going through. That PROVES you have the strenght to continue on, fighting to get better and better!
Bill