No meat without offending family?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Merry
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Merry

Guest
I will be heading to another city for my grandmother’s funeral. My children and I will be staying with relatives there. We should arrive at their home Friday afternoon.

My family are nominally Catholic, but they are pretty much Christmas Catholics, as I understand it. (They have never come to mass with me on Sundays when I have stayed with them in the past).

My aunt is a great cook, and feeding people is a big part of her hostessing. My aunt and uncle are caring, loving people. I don’t want to offend them by trying to teach them about their faith, especially as I am a new Catholic and they are both cradle Catholics. Under normal circumstances, I eat meat, but I will be there for supper on Friday during Lent. I think the chance that they will not serve meat are very remote if I say nothing. But I don’t know how to remind them about the obligation to avoid meat without coming across as “holier than thou”. Of course, they are grieving, probably more than I am too. I don’t want to hurt their feelings or upset them unnecessarily at this time.

Should I just leave it alone, and plan to eat what I can while leaving the meat? My fear is that they will notice, especially given that my 7 year old son’s picky eating habits have been a topic here many times before. And if my aunt notices she will feel very badly and probably try to make me some other food. Additionally, there is a high chance that the meal with be pasta in meat sauce. It is her go-to meal for a crowd, but it makes it difficult to avoid the meat!

I should probably just send her a quick email reminding her, but the thought of it makes me feel queasy! She is doing me a big favour by putting us up, and she is going to have an over-full house with out of town relatives all looking for a free place to stay. I considered getting a hotel room instead, but we really can’t afford it.
 
I would definitely send a very nice e-mail. Something to the effect of “Aunt, we are so grateful that we will be able to stay with you this weekend for the funeral. You are such a great cook and I look forward to eating your delicious food. Just wanted to remind you that I am abstaining from meat on Friday’s during Lent and wanted to request one of your delicious seafood dishes if it would be convenient for you to prepare.”

I’m sure she will be very open to that. I’m sure she would do it on her own – my mother is also nominally Catholic but always makes sure to make something seafood on Good Friday when we all come down for Easter weekend – usually seafood Gumbo which is my favorite!!! – but with all the emotion that’s been surrounding the family, I know I would appreciate a very gracious reminder as it might not even cross her mind.
 
First off, talk to your pastor about it. I think he may give you a dispensation, in the case that you really are forced to choose between eating meat and hurting your aunt’s feelings or making yourself a burden on her.

I’m assuming your grandmother was Catholic and that your parents, aunts and uncles grew up abstaining on Fridays. You might confer with another relative about whether your aunt’s family still observes abstinence during Lent and how they think you would do best to handle this problem. People surprise you.

Another possibility, of course, is that if the crowd will be small enough for you to afford it, you offer to take her family out to eat on Friday night. This will have the double advantage of giving you a chance to order something meatless and also allow you to show your gratitude for her hospitality and take some of the hostessing duties off of her. To take one’s overnight hosts out for at least one meal is expected in some circles, after all. Conversely, if you offer to take your aunt’s household to dinner with your family, others of the extended family might join you. So that is another idea.

Do talk to your pastor about this, though. The penances of Lent are serious, but they are not meant to make us a pain in the backside to people who aren’t fasting or abstaining. As the Lord said, when you fast you ought not let it show and as Isaiah put it:

“Why do we fast, and you do not see it? afflict ourselves, and you take no note of it?” Lo, on your fast day you carry out your own pursuits, and drive all your laborers. Yes, your fast ends in quarreling and fighting, striking with wicked claw. Would that today you might fast so as to make your voice heard on high! Is this the manner of fasting I wish, of keeping a day of penance: That a man bow his head like a reed, and lie in sackcloth and ashes? Do you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD? This, rather, is the fasting that I wish: releasing those bound unjustly, untying the thongs of the yoke; Setting free the oppressed, breaking every yoke; Sharing your bread with the hungry, sheltering the oppressed and the homeless; Clothing the naked when you see them, and not turning your back on your own. Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your wound shall quickly be healed; Your vindication shall go before you, and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Isaiah 58:3-8

IOW, whatever you do, be sure to keep your eye on the end for which fasting and abstinence are required.
 
Personally, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, or even say anything beforehand. Unless she is going to serve a dinner that is just a big pile of meat, there will be other things to eat, and so, just skip the meat. When asked if you would like some or why you aren’t eating the meat, just reply gently that it is Lent, and you don’t eat meat on Fridays. I don’t see how that could possibly offend anyone. But I do see how announcing it ahead of time might put them off and have them feel that you need to be treated differently. And some people would resent having to do that.
 
Could you tell your aunt to put aside some pasta without sauce, and add some olive oil or butter. Just tell her you can’t have meat that day.

I doubt greatly that you’ll get the same reaction as the aunt in “A Big fat Greek Wedding” gave.
 
EasterJoy said:
First off, talk to your pastor about it. I think he may give you a dispensation, in the case that you really are forced to choose between eating meat and hurting your aunt’s feelings or making yourself a burden on her.

I’m assuming your grandmother was Catholic and that your parents, aunts and uncles grew up abstaining on Fridays. You might confer with another relative about whether your aunt’s family still observes abstinence during Lent and how they think you would do best to handle this problem. People surprise you.

Another possibility, of course, is that if the crowd will be small enough for you to afford it, you offer to take her family out to eat on Friday night. This will have the double advantage of giving you a chance to order something meatless and also allow you to show your gratitude for her hospitality and take some of the hostessing duties off of her. To take one’s overnight hosts out for at least one meal is expected in some circles, after all. Conversely, if you offer to take your aunt’s household to dinner with your family, others of the extended family might join you. So that is another idea.

Do talk to your pastor about this, though. The penances of Lent are serious, but they are not meant to make us a pain in the backside to people who aren’t fasting or abstaining. As the Lord said, when you fast you ought not let it show and as Isaiah put it:

“Why do we fast, and you do not see it? afflict ourselves, and you take no note of it?” Lo, on your fast day you carry out your own pursuits, and drive all your laborers. Yes, your fast ends in quarreling and fighting, striking with wicked claw. Would that today you might fast so as to make your voice heard on high! Is this the manner of fasting I wish, of keeping a day of penance: That a man bow his head like a reed, and lie in sackcloth and ashes? Do you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD? This, rather, is the fasting that I wish: releasing those bound unjustly, untying the thongs of the yoke; Setting free the oppressed, breaking every yoke; Sharing your bread with the hungry, sheltering the oppressed and the homeless; Clothing the naked when you see them, and not turning your back on your own. Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your wound shall quickly be healed; Your vindication shall go before you, and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Isaiah 58:3-8

IOW, whatever you do, be sure to keep your eye on the end for which fasting and abstinence are required.
Click to expand...
I agree… first talk to your priest… this sounds like a perfectly decent reason to give a dispensation.
With that, make some other sort of sacrifice on that Friday as a replacement.
 
And see I’d have a problem with the grains and meat.

Lent is extra hard when you have several food groups you don’t eat.
 
Merry said:
I will be heading to another city for my grandmother’s funeral.
Click to expand...
You have my deepest condolences on your grandmother’s passing. I recently lost my grandfather - it is so hard to watch the generation before our parents pass. We can only be thankful for having known them for so long.
Merry said:
My aunt is a great cook, and feeding people is a big part of her hostessing. My aunt and uncle are caring, loving people. I don’t want to offend them by trying to teach them about their faith,
Click to expand...
How blessed are you to have such a caring aunt who will cook for you and house your family even as she grieves for her own mother. You would not be at all out of line to offer to help in the kitchen, and even to offer to pick up some food at the store, and in the process of all of this to offer to make a delicious marinara sauce or some other recipe because it’s Friday, after all, or maybe just make it easy on everyone if she doesn’t feel up to cooking and offer to spring for pizzas. Something like that.
Merry said:
My fear is that they will notice, especially given that my 7 year old son’s picky eating habits have been a topic here many times before.
Click to expand...
Out of a sense of hospitality, let your aunt know that you’ll be bringing some of your son’s favorites that you know he’ll eat so that she doesn’t have to go through extra planning.

On top of all of this, if you cannot fulfill the discipline of abstinence without offending charity (ie, if you’ve got to eat meat to not offend your aunt during a time of grieving) then eat her wonderful meat and abstain the rest of the weekend. Seek Confession the next day if you can and I think your priest will find your gesture charitable and a venial sin in this case. Sometimes there are compelling circumstances such that rigidly following discipline may harm charity rather than increase it.
 
I should note that I’m a celiac and my wife’s a vegetarian, and with our toddler’s very picky eating habits (she won’t even eat the food she asks us to cook), we’re quite a lot of fun to have to house and feed.

We’re used to bringing a lot of food with us when we travel. It’s just a given. It was hard at first with my father’s family who doesn’t understand the nature of our diets - conversations like “well, your wife can have pork once in a while, right? and you can eat pizza just this once and it won’t hurt, will it?”. I can’t even take the Eucharistic Host without spending a day or two ill, no pizza is not a good idea.

It did get a lot easier once my mom was also diagnosed. We eat so well when we visit her.
 
If the dishes are prepared in a way that you cannot pick out the meat then you cannot do a lot without offending others. If its meat alone, then partake of any dishes that do not contain it. Its best not to say anything especially at a time when others may be extra sensitive. Its hard also when you are traveling to find places that offer meatless alternatives during Lenten.

Even my father who goes to Mass a few times a year observes the Lenten Fridays and Ash Wednesdays of eating no meat, and has something meatless on those days.
 
Sit down with God and just ask His permission to do the fast on Thursday instead. It would be a kindness to your aunt not to add any other burden to the difficult time of losing her mother.

Blessing and safe travel.
 
Merry said:
My aunt is a great cook, and feeding people is a big part of her hostessing. My aunt and uncle are caring, loving people. I don’t want to offend them by trying to teach them about their faith, especially as I am a new Catholic and they are both cradle Catholics. Under normal circumstances, I eat meat, but I will be there for supper on Friday during Lent. I think the chance that they will not serve meat are very remote if I say nothing. But I don’t know how to remind them about the obligation to avoid meat without coming across as “holier than thou”. Of course, they are grieving, probably more than I am too. I don’t want to hurt their feelings or upset them unnecessarily at this time.
Click to expand...
I don’t think it should really end up being all that big a deal. Simply frame the question as your need, something like, “Oh, yeah, my son and I have given up meat on Friday’s for Lent, could you set some pasta aside without the meat sauce?”

As long as you frame it as a favor for yourself, rather than as a critique of your aunt, I don’t think you’ll offend or overly burden.

If she likes to cook and entertain, then she’ll be probably happy to make you happy!
 
BTW, OP, remember that the Catholic laws of abstinence forbid the use of meat, but not of condiments made of animal fat, meat juices, or liquid foods made from meat. Foods such as chicken broth, consomme, soups cooked or flavored with meat, meat gravies or sauces, as well as seasonings or condiments made from animal fat are not forbidden. Even bacon drippings which accidentally contain little stray bits of meat are allowable.

IOW, you may be able to pick from what is served and just leave the meat itself on your plate. As long as you try to pick out the meat, you don’t have to concern yourself about meat juice or consuming tiny pieces of meat accidentally. This greatly reduces the burden you have to put on your aunt and yourself!

Also, do not forget that your children under the age of 14 are not required to abstain from meat. They are required to take care of their auntie’s feelings.
 
My prayers for your Granmother. May she rest in peace with God.

Contact your Aunt and in a nice way offer to grab a couple of pizza’s on Friday since you are obligated (not recommended, not transferable) as a Catholic to abstain from meat on Friday’s in Lent.

Of course, if your Aunt is like my Aunt, she will pull all the meat dishes from the menu and replace them with fish or eggplant so as not to offend anyone and would not think of letting you buy food for the house.

We are called to live our faith every day, even when it is uncomfortable. The real discomfort, by the way, should be on your Aunt for being a Catholic and not following the rules for Lent. Perhaps God is using your grandmother’s death as a way for you to evangelize to the family through your reminding them of their obligations?
 
losh14 said:
On top of all of this,** if you cannot fulfill the discipline of abstinence without offending charity (ie, if you’ve got to eat meat to not offend your aunt during a time of grieving) then eat her wonderful meat and abstain the rest of the weekend.** Seek Confession the next day if you can and I think your priest will find your gesture charitable and a venial sin in this case. Sometimes there are compelling circumstances such that rigidly following discipline may harm charity rather than increase it.
Click to expand...
This. We have a Franciscan brother here on CAF who has talked about this very subject. It is huge for Franciscans not to offend charity because of their religious practice. Now, I can’t remember if he said that even during Lent, the brothers would eat what they were offered, but I suspect it would be so. I agree - seek a dispensation and perform some other act of penance. Don’t make a fuss and don’t turn the family gathering into a discussion of your food restrictions, etc.

JMO.
 
If she is a cradle Catholic, then likely she full well knows the requirement to abstain from meat on Fridays in Lent. There is no need to inform her.

I guess you could casually ask, “oh, does your family do meatless Fridays during Lent?”. That will open the door for her to ask you the same question, and then to offer to make seafood or vegetarian food when you express that you are indeed abstaining. If not, though, there’s nothing you can do. If you show up and there’s meat, just eat it and appreciate her hospitality.
 
TheDoctor said:
My prayers for your Granmother. May she rest in peace with God.

Contact your Aunt and in a nice way offer to grab a couple of pizza’s on Friday since you are obligated (not recommended, not transferable) as a Catholic to abstain from meat on Friday’s in Lent.

Of course, if your Aunt is like my Aunt, she will pull all the meat dishes from the menu and replace them with fish or eggplant so as not to offend anyone and would not think of letting you buy food for the house.

We are called to live our faith every day, even when it is uncomfortable. The real discomfort, by the way, should be on your Aunt for being a Catholic and not following the rules for Lent. Perhaps God is using your grandmother’s death as a way for you to evangelize to the family through your reminding them of their obligations?
Click to expand...
If the aunt were posting here, we could chide her, but she hasn’t asked us. Besides, we don’t know that she doesn’t abstain on Fridays during Lent or that she has forgotten that her relatives do. We only know that she might not. That is part of the difficulty: can the subject be raised without possibly offending someone who does observe the Lenten regulations and might be very offended at the implication that she would fail to do that on the weekend of her pious mother (or MIL’s) funeral, of all times?

EWTN’s commentator, Colin B. Donovan, STL, counts “guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense” as among those who may be lawfully excused from the regulations of Lenten abstinence: ewtn.com/faith/lent/fast.htm

Those who are excused from fast or abstinence Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment, manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline.

The OP is right to try to observe abstinence while still keeping the requirement to treat one’s host with generosity of heart. Both are our solemn obligations, not just the abstinence from meat.
 
But is not eating meat really a great offense to the aunt? If I had someone over for dinner and they did not like or were allergic to something I were serving, I would not be greatly offended. Nor would I be offended that someone is not eating it because of their religious beliefs.

I still don’t see how just not eating it is really a big deal.
A dispensation? Really? I thought it was dumb when our parish wanted one when St. Patrick’s day fell on a Friday. 🤷
 
EasterJoy said:
EWTN’s commentator, Colin B. Donovan, STL, counts “guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense” as among those who may be lawfully excused from the regulations of Lenten abstinence: ewtn.com/faith/lent/fast.htm

Those who are excused from fast or abstinence Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment, manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline.

The OP is right to try to observe abstinence while still keeping the requirement to treat one’s host with generosity of heart. Both are our solemn obligations, not just the abstinence from meat.
Click to expand...
👍👍

I have buried both parents and my father-in-law. There were awful days leading up to that awful day that they died, and I did not sleep well. With the stress and pain of those days, when the day came that they died, I could barely function. As a guest, I would not draw attention to myself in any way but look to what she needed. If I could quietly avoid food with meat, I would do so, but not make a request for ‘special’ treatment, nor point to dishes on the table and ask “Does this have meat in it? Does this?”
 
Nanny_PK said:
I would definitely send a very nice e-mail. Something to the effect of “Aunt, we are so grateful that we will be able to stay with you this weekend for the funeral. You are such a great cook and I look forward to eating your delicious food. Just wanted to remind you that I am abstaining from meat on Friday’s during Lent and wanted to request one of your delicious seafood dishes if it would be convenient for you to prepare.”

I’m sure she will be very open to that. I’m sure she would do it on her own – my mother is also nominally Catholic but always makes sure to make something seafood on Good Friday when we all come down for Easter weekend – usually seafood Gumbo which is my favorite!!! – but with all the emotion that’s been surrounding the family, I know I would appreciate a very gracious reminder as it might not even cross her mind.
Click to expand...
Excellent post. Tremendous!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top