No parent sets out to abuse their children..it just happens

[Serap]

I believe that 99% of abusive parents don’t set out to be abusive…they just cannot handle a lot of stress and breakdown emotionally when they become parents.

My father for example, cannot handle much stress and he becomes violent very easily. I’m sure he felt shame after each incident, but he had no coping skills to do anything differently. He is also an alcoholic…My mother also cannot handle stress and breaks down into a depression when she cannot cope. She plays the victim to avoid feeling guilt.

Most parents feel shame and guilt after abuse, but they keep doing it. Most mothers wouldn’t dream of tying up their kids and not feeding them or beating them for just being kids. They want to be a good mother, but cannot cope or handle the stress of being a mom.

I read the book “The Boy Called It” and I see that in they way the mother slowly just buckles under life’s normal stresses and then begins to target David.

It is so important to develop coping skills before becoming a parent, especially if you were abused as a child.

 

[FullOfThought]

I remember reading that book, I believe that the author was found to have made the whole story up. Nonetheless, it does show the slow breakdown of the mother as you pointed out.

IMO, a support group around a couple, such a family or church, who can see this slow breakdown is the only way to help parents who are stressed. Breaking the cycle before it starts. Unfortunately, many couples just don’t have this support

My friends and I have made a pact to hold each other responsible and offer encouragement for things like this;

• Stop them complaining about their spouses
• Asking if they went to mass
• Asking if they exercised etc

I think having this encouragement really helps us, and it helped us stay focused the whole way through college too. Yet many people don’t have this.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I believe that 99% of abusive parents don’t set out to be abusive…they just cannot handle a lot of stress and breakdown emotionally when they become parents.

My father for example, cannot handle much stress and he becomes violent very easily. I’m sure he felt shame after each incident, but he had no coping skills to do anything differently. He is also an alcoholic…My mother also cannot handle stress and breaks down into a depression when she cannot cope. She plays the victim to avoid feeling guilt.

Most parents feel shame and guilt after abuse, but they keep doing it. Most mothers wouldn’t dream of tying up their kids and not feeding them or beating them for just being kids. They want to be a good mother, but cannot cope or handle the stress of being a mom.

I read the book “The Boy Called It” and I see that in they way the mother slowly just buckles under life’s normal stresses and then begins to target David.

It is so important to develop coping skills before becoming a parent, especially if you were abused as a child.

I didn’t read that book that way at all.

I didn’t see her as overwhelmed. She didn’t abuse the other kids. She was a sociopath, or some other severe personality disorder.

Being stressed doesn’t cause a mother to starve her child, make him vomit up food that the school gave him, offer him the contents of a dirty diaper to eat, tell him to get into a hot oven or expose him to a mixture of bleach and ammonia.

I don’t think stress causes pathological abuse. I’ve read about too many cases of just sadistic torture for it to be stress.

Off the top of my mind, an 11 year old boy was kept in a cage, and starved.

Another girl was kept in a basement, also starved and sexually abused by her step brother, her growth permanently stunted due to sever malnutrition.

A little two year old, beaten to death in NY by his mother’s lesbian lover for wetting his pants.

Another little girl in NY, Nixmary, was used as a mop to clean the floor.

David’s mother was of that caliber, not a regular stressed out mother who occasionally loses her temper.

She did not show remorse, and in fact blamed David.

The story is true. His former teachers substantiated his claims.

 

[FullOfThought]

I didn’t read that book that way at all.

I didn’t see her as overwhelmed. She didn’t abuse the other kids. She was a sociopath, or some other severe personality disorder.

Being stressed doesn’t cause a mother to starve her child, make him vomit up food that the school gave him, offer him the contents of a dirty diaper to eat, tell him to get into a hot oven or expose him to a mixture of bleach and ammonia.

I don’t think stress causes pathological abuse. I’ve read about too many cases of just sadistic torture for it to be stress.

Off the top of my mind, an 11 year old boy was kept in a cage, and starved.

Another girl was kept in a basement, also starved and sexually abused by her step brother, her growth permanently stunted due to sever malnutrition.

A little two year old, beaten to death in NY by his mother’s lesbian lover for wetting his pants.

Another little girl in NY, Nixmary, was used as a mop to clean the floor.

David’s mother was of that caliber, not a regular stressed out mother who occasionally loses her temper.

She did not show remorse, and in fact blamed David.

The story is true. His former teachers substantiated his claims.

All excellent points. It’s so sad!!

Sorry, I did hear that they proved the story true. It makes me so mad that the teacher knew and yet it continued!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

All excellent points. It’s so sad!!

Sorry, I did hear that they proved the story true. It makes me so mad that the teacher knew and yet it continued!

I saw him on a program, with the teacher who would feed him at school and the guidance counselor as well.

The cases I mentioned were on the news. Who knows how many cases exist that we never will here of.

 

[Serap]

I didn’t read that book that way at all.

I didn’t see her as overwhelmed. She didn’t abuse the other kids. She was a sociopath, or some other severe personality disorder.

Being stressed doesn’t cause a mother to starve her child, make him vomit up food that the school gave him, offer him the contents of a dirty diaper to eat, tell him to get into a hot oven or expose him to a mixture of bleach and ammonia.

I don’t think stress causes pathological abuse. I’ve read about too many cases of just sadistic torture for it to be stress.

Off the top of my mind, an 11 year old boy was kept in a cage, and starved.

Another girl was kept in a basement, also starved and sexually abused by her step brother, her growth permanently stunted due to sever malnutrition.

A little two year old, beaten to death in NY by his mother’s lesbian lover for wetting his pants.

Another little girl in NY, Nixmary, was used as a mop to clean the floor.

David’s mother was of that caliber, not a regular stressed out mother who occasionally loses her temper.

She did not show remorse, and in fact blamed David.

The story is true. His former teachers substantiated his claims.

That’s why I said that 99% of the time, parents don’t set out to abuse their children. There’s always the 1% of sadistic cases…makes me cry to read them.

But even David, as an adult, said that his mother set out to be a good mother, but something (triggered by stress and mental illness) snapped in her and she spiralled out of control. That was his assessment of her too.

She showed no remorse? How sad…how terribly sad. How heart breaking to read. That’s the sign of a sociopath for sure…but why only one child at a time? After David, she began abusing her other 5 year old…can’t remember his name now.

I try so hard to make sense of child abuse and have a hard time.

 

[Serap]

All excellent points. It’s so sad!!

Sorry, I did hear that they proved the story true. It makes me so mad that the teacher knew and yet it continued!

They tried to help him, but David’s mother forced him to put on a show when child services showed up and then David would get punished for it afterwards.

I read with her second child victim ( after David left) she got smarter and learned to not leave scars on the face or arms. The second child was not abused as badly, but he was also never saved.

But back to topic, do you think that stress triggers a lot of child abuse? …parents not having the coping skills to deal with the stress of being a parent?

My mother shows me a lot of love now, but honestly as a child, I cannot remember my mother ever hugging me or telling me she loved me. I only remember her hitting me, pulling my hair and telling me how awful I was. I can’t help, but think that the stress of being a mother caused her to take it out on me. She was good to my brothers.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I didn’t read any of the thread because I try and avoid things that would upset me. However, responding to the thread title:

Unfortunately there are people who have or acquire children solely for the purpose of abusing them. Just want to drop in the fact, I doubt it has anything much to do with whatever you are posting about here.

But it doesn’t “just happen” either. It happens because of prior abuse and something called “internalizing your abuser.” It might not be conscious, but it’s not accidental, either.

Sometimes we do what we think is right and find out it was harmful. That’s misinformation.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

It is so important to develop coping skills before becoming a parent, especially if you were abused as a child.

The problem we come up against is abuse victims very often develop coping skills that are so maladaptive that they pretty much guarantee that the cycle of abuse is carried on to their kids. They drink. They do drugs. They engage in any number of self-harming behaviors. Their abuse is ground so far into them that they don’t realize that it’s even possible to act or think a different way.

We have to assume a lot of things for abuse victims to develop healthy coping skills. We have to assume they have a social safety network (e.g., partners, relatives, friends, etc.) that will support them in their efforts. We have to assume they’re cognitively able to make change. Closed head injuries from regular beatings damage neural pathways. Fetal alcohol syndrome disorders and fetal exposure to street narcotics cause brain damage and lower IQs. People who were pickled in alcohol and drugs in utero don’t become the best readers. People who weren’t talked to as children, people who were brought up in linguistic poverty, don’t become the best readers. People who are barely literate, who struggle to understand even the most rudimentary cause-effect relationships, aren’t going to make a whole lot of meaning from self-help books or other literature aimed at helping people develop coping skills. And we have to assume they have access to said books as well as therapists and other professionals who are trained to help people make life changes and develop coping skills.

It’s a lot to assume.

Luna

 

[Serap]

The problem we come up against is abuse victims very often develop coping skills that are so maladaptive that they pretty much guarantee that the cycle of abuse is carried on to their kids. They drink. They do drugs. They engage in any number of self-harming behaviors. Their abuse is ground so far into them that they don’t realize that it’s even possible to act or think a different way.

We have to assume a lot of things for abuse victims to develop healthy coping skills. We have to assume they have a social safety network (e.g., partners, relatives, friends, etc.) that will support them in their efforts. We have to assume they’re cognitively able to make change. Closed head injuries from regular beatings damage neural pathways. Fetal alcohol syndrome disorders and fetal exposure to street narcotics cause brain damage and lower IQs. People who were pickled in alcohol and drugs in utero don’t become the best readers. People who weren’t talked to as children, people who were brought up in linguistic poverty, don’t become the best readers. People who are barely literate, who struggle to understand even the most rudimentary cause-effect relationships, aren’t going to make a whole lot of meaning from self-help books or other literature aimed at helping people develop coping skills. And we have to assume they have access to said books as well as therapists and other professionals who are trained to help people make life changes and develop coping skills.

It’s a lot to assume.

Luna

Very insightful. Thanks for your contribution.

I had the cognitive ability to recognize I was abused, seek free therapy, and become my own advocate for change. I had no family and my friends were dysfunctional like me. I don’t know where it came from, nor do I understand my resiliency.

Jesus said it right when he gave us the “Golden Rule”.

When I walk past the homeless youth shelter, I make a point of smiling at the kids and saying hi. I think it’s important that these youths receive kindness in some way. These children are surely from abusive homes…why else would they be there?

What can we do? How can we advocate for change?

Mother Theresa said something so profound, “If you want to spread world peace, go home and love your family.”

I am still honestly trying to make sense of my own childhood and journey.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…I am still honestly trying to make sense of my own childhood and journey.

As you try to sort through and make sense of your own past of being abused as a child, some things may make sense but some things won’t. You might be able to recognize the role of exhaustion, stress, family history, even alcohol and perhaps drugs or mental illness. etc. But evil also plays a role. Evil does not make sense. Trying to make sense out of evil will drive you crazy.

Abuse doesn’t just happen. It happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is people choose to do evil.

 

[Serap]

As you try to sort through and make sense of your own past of being abused as a child, some things may make sense but some things won’t. You might be able to recognize the role of exhaustion, stress, family history, even alcohol and perhaps drugs or mental illness. etc. But evil also plays a role. Evil does not make sense. Trying to make sense out of evil will drive you crazy.

Abuse doesn’t just happen. It happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is people choose to do evil.

yes, you are right…I submit to it.

My mother, I believe, is a good kind hearted person who didn’t have the resources to be a good mom. She transferred her feelings of anger onto me b/c it was easy to do to a helpless child. She is a weak person over-all and should have never been a mother.

My father, however, I am starting to believe that he has evil in him. It’s hard to accept though. He can be a really nice guy and a really evil guy. I would never leave my kids alone with him for even 2 minutes. I honestly could not predict how he would treat them.
When I’m around, he is very impatient with them at times. I can only imagine if I weren’t there to protect them, what he would do to them. We only see him about 4 times a year, so it’s better that way.

My mom and her husband are wonderful with my kids and my mother is now very loving towards me. She’s still weak and unable to be a mom to me, but she’s very playful with me and my kids and they love her.

I guess it helps if I can just accept that my father has a lot of evil in him…very difficult to accept when you are a good person…just saying…

There are 5 stages of healing and I think I’m finally in the last stage of acceptance…wow…what a journey!!! 41 years old now!!!

 

[gardenswithkids]

:console:

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Serap]

:console:

Prayers for you and your family.

Thanks. I’m good…just been facing this monster head on for the past 4 years and I think I’m finally coming to terms with everything.

 

[Happy_Convert]

Child abuse is never justified. Sometimes a parent will strike their child in a moment of stress or anger and then quickly appologize and never repeat the action. However, in all too many cases, such behaviour becomes a recurring patern. In these cases, the parent, as well as the child, needs some heavy duty counselling. The parent needs to learn how to cope with their anger in non-violent ways, and the child needs to be reassured of their value and taught that violence isn’t the answer so that the abusive cycle doesn’t repeat itself. I read a few pages of “A Boy Called It” and had to stop reading it because it was making me feel sick to my stomach. That book makes you realize the depths to which humanity is capable of sinking.

P.S. Please forgive me if I’m stating the obvious here.

 

[Serap]

Child abuse is never justified. Sometimes a parent will strike their child in a moment of stress or anger and then quickly appologize and never repeat the action. However, in all too many cases, such behaviour becomes a recurring patern. In these cases, the parent, as well as the child, needs some heavy duty counselling. The parent needs to learn how to cope with their anger in non-violent ways, and the child needs to be reassured of their value and taught that violence isn’t the answer so that the abusive cycle doesn’t repeat itself. I read a few pages of “A Boy Called It” and had to stop reading it because it was making me feel sick to my stomach. That book makes you realize the depths to which humanity is capable of sinking.

P.S. Please forgive me if I’m stating the obvious here.

you’re right.

 

[Nanny_PK]

As a total side note: I remember the book “A Child Called It.” I tried to read it but couldn’t make my way through it – just broke my heart. I remember seeing him interviewed on Oprah a thousand years ago.

While I don’t know that the book isn’t made up, I believe the book one of the posters might be thinking about is “A Million Little Pieces” that was a huge best seller – featured on Oprah’s book club – and was then found out to be mostly made up.

 

[Litcrit]

My mother shows me a lot of love now, but honestly as a child, I cannot remember my mother ever hugging me or telling me she loved me. I only remember her hitting me, pulling my hair and telling me how awful I was. I can’t help, but think that the stress of being a mother caused her to take it out on me. She was good to my brothers.

Often the abuser selects the child that most resembles her at the time of her own great trauma - the time she learned to hate herself and/or dissociate emotionally from herself. You were a girl like her. David’s mother targeted 5-year-olds, apparently.

The stress of parenting may drive a parent to yell or swat a child in frustration. But not treat a child as less than a human being. That takes some other serious issues.

Abuse doesn’t just happen. It happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is people choose to do evil.

Very true.

Breaking the cycle of abuse is an incredible thing to be doing. God bless you.

 

[catharina]

I believe that 99% of abusive parents don’t set out to be abusive…they just cannot handle a lot of stress and breakdown emotionally when they become parents.

My father for example, cannot handle much stress and he becomes violent very easily. I’m sure he felt shame after each incident, but he had no coping skills to do anything differently. He is also an alcoholic…My mother also cannot handle stress and breaks down into a depression when she cannot cope. She plays the victim to avoid feeling guilt.

Most parents feel shame and guilt after abuse, but they keep doing it. Most mothers wouldn’t dream of tying up their kids and not feeding them or beating them for just being kids. They want to be a good mother, but cannot cope or handle the stress of being a mom.

I read the book “The Boy Called It” and I see that in they way the mother slowly just buckles under life’s normal stresses and then begins to target David.

It is so important to develop coping skills before becoming a parent, especially if you were abused as a child.

Nothing aggravates me more than the claim made
by some abusive parents when the worst has finally happened.
"I didn’t mean to kill him.

Such a parent most CERTAINLY meant to HURT the child.
Hey, parent! What gives???

Take a time-out and lock yourself in your room!
When you can control YOUR anger, re-join the group.

 

[Serap]

Often the abuser selects the child that most resembles her at the time of her own great trauma - the time she learned to hate herself and/or dissociate emotionally from herself. You were a girl like her. David’s mother targeted 5-year-olds, apparently.

The stress of parenting may drive a parent to yell or swat a child in frustration. But not treat a child as less than a human being. That takes some other serious issues.

Very true.

Breaking the cycle of abuse is an incredible thing to be doing. God bless you.

Well I’ve broken the cycle…(I have tears in my eyes right now)…it means so so much to me to break the cycle with my kids. I always feel insecure that I’m not good enough as a mother b/c I have nothing to compare to. I know for sure that my kids are not abused, but I have a lot of anxiety and I want my daugther to love herself.