No reason to live but hate

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Peter_Cephas

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Dear CAF,
I am here to help, but need help first.
I am all alone in the world and have been abused by family and so called friends all my life. I am only living to try to get into Heaven because I know they are going to Hell and I don’t want to be with them for eternity also. I know hate will eat me alive and send me to Dante’s Inferno but what can I honestly do? I am mentally ill. I can’t just take a pill or press a button and get over a life of mistreatment. We are talking about criminal level of abuse here people… I have a hard time even trying to pray now. The one good thing is it keeps me from suicide because I have hope to see my abusers suffer. I am truly a lost cause. One last thing, I am an adopted orphan also…
 
There is a saying that while you are at home feeling bitter, the other fellow is out dancing…

In other words your hatred is not harming the people you hate, who are simply getting on with their lives blissfully unaware of how you are feeling.

But it is eating away at you. By allowing yourself to be eaten up by bitterness you are harming no-one but yourself, and indeed still giving your abusers power over you.

So if you can’t forgive them, at least forget them…don’t dwell in the past, look forward to the future.

When dark thoughts come into your mind ask for the grace to have your own trespasses forgiven to the same degree that you forgive those that have trespassed against you because you cannot hate your way to Heaven.

And remember - the best revenge is to live well…so try to enjoy your present and future lives and forget your past hurts and I am sure you will feel this burden lifted.

It is time to take the needle off the old record, and play a new and happier song…
 
Praying for you. It must be very tough what you are going through. He assured that you have friends in Jesus, Mary, the Saints, and us at CAF. I have a special devotion to God the Father. He is sweet and gentle and much more available the n my own Father was. The book God The Father Speaks to His Children is very comforting. It can be downloaded free online.

Ask God to heal your broken heart. Ask him to give you the grace of forgiveness. That way you will start to heal and find peace. Offer your suffering to God for the souls that need help the most. Stay close to God and Mary through the Holy Mass, Eucharist, Adoration and prayer. Jesus and many of the Saints suffered terrible abuse. They understand. Adopt one of them as your special friend.

I think that you can forgive, you may become a saint some day.

I will remember you at Mass today.
 
I heard of a woman in Africa whose family was slaughtered. She was able to remain hidden for weeks, all the while praying.

She prayed but could not forgive those who were persecuting. Finally, she asked God to give her the grace necessary to forgive because she just couldn’t do it.

Eventually God gave her the grace and she was able to forgive and let go of the hate.

So my recommendation is to pray and ask God for this grace. It is healing to let go of hate and to forgive. Hate only hurts us, it doesn’t hurt those that we hate. They continue to have power over us until we let it go.

I know this is easier said than done and I’m sorry for your terrible experiences. I’ll pray for you.

Peace,
John Marie Philomena
 
P…S. Also, talk to a priest and attend Confession and Healing Masses.
 
Peter_Cephas said:
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“Do not be conqured by evil, but conquer evil with good.” - Romans 12:21

I would like to share with you a bit of what I have learned about forgiveness.

If you feel hatred, anger or resentment, than you own those feelings and are accountable for their presense in your life, there is one thing worse than being hurt by someone and that is keeping that hurt alive, you have the ability to forgive those people who have mistreated you, not as a gift to them, but as a gift to yourself.

Forgiveness will set you free from those feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, forgiveness is the only thing that will free you from those feelings of hatred anger and resentment that you choose to carry and I emphasise choose, it is a choice to carry those feelings, it is illogical to do so, as those feelings change who you are, your hatred, anger, and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation.

To assume that you can turn your feelings of hate, anger or resentment on and off like a light switch is naïve, these feelings of bitterness and anger are such powerful influences that once they enter your heart, they are present in all of your relationships.

They truly do make you become a different person. Who you were goes away, and now you are defined by the hatred and bitterness. Ultimately, what makes these emotions so powerful is that they change who you are.

There’s something else you must consider: you cannot give away what you do not have.

You cannot give pure and accepting love from a pure and accepting heart if you have neither. That would mean giving away what you do not have. If the love in your heart is contaminated, if growing within it is the cancer of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the only love that you have to give.

If your heart has turned cold and hard because of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the heart from which all your emotions spring. That is the love and that is the heart that you have to offer your loved ones and fellow human beings. Hatred, anger, and resentment truly change who you are. They truly prevent you from being able to give to those you love that which you want them to have.

Many people say: “I can’t forgive because they aren’t sorry and they don’t deserve or even want my forgiveness.” If that’s the standard, there are many people in this world who, clearly, will never be entitled to forgiveness, but they do not realise that forgiveness is all about themselves, it’s all about the gift of freeing themselves from such ugly emotions, they didn’t do the crime, so why are the choosing to do the additional time?

It’s about you saying "I will not bond with you through hatred, anger, or resentment. I will not bond with you through fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I do not, and I will not, You are the one who commited the crime, I don’t have to continue to suffer for it and I refuse to, by forgiving you I am releasing myself from that emotional prison you have locked me in, you cannot misstreat me and than continue hurting me through those feelings of hatred, anger or resentment that I carry, I make that choice, not you.”

Take the power back from those who have hurt you, they don’t have the right to hurt you and than continue hurting you by having you carry those feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, the choice is yours, free yourself from the pain that they have caused you by forgiveness.

By taking this approach and rethinking the meaning of forgiveness, you can set yourself free from the pain that has been caused by others in your life.

The power of forgiveness is the power to set yourself free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. Seize the power and rise above the pain. You are worth it, and everyone you love deserves it.

I believe this puts in perspective well what Christ taught on forgiveness and the way he taught it (21 Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?” 22 Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! - Matthew 18), because these feelings truly do change who you are and anyone who say’s otherwise is naive, Christ told us that our Hearts are where our treasure is, it’s a treasure that does not rust and cannot be stolen! It can only be given away, and we choose to give it away freely when we harbor those ugly emotions of hatred anger, or resentment toward someone who has mistreated us, take the power back from those who have hurt you! take your treasure back! Forgiveness is a gift! reclaim your heart!

The question is, what do you stand to gain by harboring those ugly emotions of hatred, anger or resentment toward someone?

However when you think of the wrong doing, there will be emotions that come up, but instead of hatred, anger or resentment, these should instead be emotions of pity. Forgiveness isn’t a release of other emotions, forgiveness is a release of hatred, anger and rensetment, these are the emotions it free’s you from, these are the emotions people need to be free from!

Pity means feeling for others, particularly feelings of sadness or sorrow towards someone, this is what replaces those ugly emotions of hatred, anger and resentment towards someone, this is what forgiveness does, you cannot just remove those ugly emotions through forgiveness, instead forgiveness replaces those ugly emotions with pity.

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Hi Peter,

First of all, welcome to the Forum.

I want to tell you that you are not alone. I am so terribly sorry for all of the pain and suffering that you have gone through in your life.

Many of us have been through something similar, too. I spent many years “gluing my head back together,” so to speak, after what my own family put me through. They were extremely abusive, for a long time. So, I do understand what it is like to feel resentful towards those who have hurt you. I think that it is human nature to feel that way.

However, I do my best now at trying to surround myself with positive and good things, and looking for the little things in life that make me happy. They don’t even have to cost anything.

I like being outdoors, and I also have a cat for a pet, whom I love dearly. I also like going to the library. I like to read.

Dear one, if you haven’t done so, offer your sufferings to the Lord on the cross. He can handle what we aren’t able to handle.

“Come to me all who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.”

He is closest to us when we are suffering.

Don’t give up. Keep praying the best that you can, even if it’s a simple prayer like “Jesus, help me.”

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Continued from above post -

Remember: Forgiveness is a choice! (Even Christ taught forgiveness as a choice, not something that needed to be worked at, but rather a choice that needed to be made Matthew 18, so make the choice! because you are worth it and you deserve it! you deserve to be free of those emotions of hatred, anger and resentment, not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die).

Aftering saying all this however, I believe it’s important to remember that forgiveness does not mean providing them with the means to continue mistreating you, “Don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6

Id also like to say, many people have the miss conception of Matthew 7:1-2 of charity to be “Judge everyone to be good” which I believe to be a mistake, I believe instead we shouldn’t judge anyone, good or evil, we should instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision.

If I said to you I want you to judge everyone to be evil, you would think that to be rediculous, I believe it’s just as rediculous to judge everyone to be good. This is why I agree with Dr phil when he say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous” - Dr Phil.

I would also like to paraphrase a small piece from Bishop Fulton J. Sheen in his book “the Cross and the Beatitudes.” which I found to be really good.

5 “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

Violence says meekness is weakness. But that is because it does not understand the meaning of Christian meekness. Meekness is not cowardice; meekness is not an easy-going temperament, sluggish, and hard to arouse; meekness is not a spineless passivity that allows everyone to walk over us. No! Meekness is self-possesion. That is why the reward of meekness is possession [of the earth].

A weak person can never be meek, because he is never self-possessed; meekness is the virtue that controls the combative, violent, and pugnacious powers of our nature, and is therefore the best and noblest to self-realisation.

The meek person is not one who refuses to fight, nor someone who will never become angry. A meek person is someone who will never do one thing: he will never fight when his conceit is attacked, but only when a principal is at stake. And that is the keynote to the difference of the anger of the violent and the anger of the meek person.

I would also like to share with you a list of quotes on forgiveness that I believe are very good.

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” -Ben Franklin

*“Not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die”. *-Author Unknown

“Do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence, God said, vengeance is mine." - Author unknown

“Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.” -Romans 12:21

Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it. -Dr Phil

Don’t give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly re-living the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you. - Dr Phil

Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. - Dr Phil

There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious choice every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness. - Dr Phil

You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now. - Dr Phil

“12 Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” -Matthew 6:12

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” -Pope Alexander

21 Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?” 22 Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! -Matthew 18:21-22

Please continue to next post -
 
I would also like to share with you a true story I heard on the radio once and why I believe forgiveness doesn’t mean providing means for them to mistreat you again, or putting yourself in vulnerable situations, as it says in the gospels *“don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” *Matthew 7:6 and *16 I am sending you like lambs into a pack of wolves. So be as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves. 17 Watch out for people who will take you to court and have you beaten in their meeting places. *Matthew 10:16-17

There was a woman who was telling this story on the radio about how she was sexually abused by her father, when she grew up, she forgave her father, but she refused to learn from what had happened, being naive, she than left her son vulnerable to her father, in which the same thing ended up happening.

It’s a great tragedy that the daughter(mother) was abused by her father, but I believe it is an even greater tradgedy that the mother refused to learn from what had happened, who chose to be naive about her father, and thus irresponsibly left her son in such a vulnerable situation for the exact same thing to happen.

I believe you don’t judge people to be good or bad, you instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision. Trust is earnt, I believe they do not gain trust through forgiveness and that forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from what has happened, like Dr Phil say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous”

I would also like to share this two posts of mine here on CAF on pain and suffering that I believe will help you infinitely in your trials and hardships.

Post 1 - forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11708845&postcount=23
Post 2 - forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=11708847&postcount=24

I hope I have helped you, I apologise for the length, Please feel free to reply/refute anything I have said.

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
I just had to let you know you’re not alone. Even when you feel that you’re family or friends aren’t around, God is with you. He has always been with you and always will. He will never leave you or forsake you. I too have felt darkness in my life for a long time but it was through finding Jesus through the darkness, finding his “light” is what has gotten me through.

I’m with others with what they’re saying to you, just pray to God, even when it’s so hard to pray and you can’t find the words just be with him in the silence and he will know what’s in your heart. Ask him the grace to forgive others for what they have done. For you will never find peace if you can’t forgive. Just keep praying for that grace.

It’s also true what others have said, Jesus and a lot of saints went through so much suffering. They know what you’re feeling. Find a saint that you can relate to and pray to them and ask them to intercede for you to our Father. Offer up your suffering for the salvation of souls and conversion of sinners.

I will be praying for you †

Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.

Amen

Your friend in Christ,

GIllian
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray, and do thou oh prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.
 
Hail Mary,
Full of grace,
The Lord is with Thee.
Blessed art Thou amoungst women,
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and a the hour of death,
Amen
 
Remember…we don’t have to “feel” the forgiveness, just will it. Look at Jesus in His Passion for you.

Gradually, we will receive the grace we need to be closer to Him.
 
Peter_Cephas said:
Dear CAF,
I am here to help, but need help first.
I am all alone in the world and have been abused by family and so called friends all my life. I am only living to try to get into Heaven because I know they are going to Hell and I don’t want to be with them for eternity also. I know hate will eat me alive and send me to Dante’s Inferno but what can I honestly do? I am mentally ill. I can’t just take a pill or press a button and get over a life of mistreatment. We are talking about criminal level of abuse here people… I have a hard time even trying to pray now. The one good thing is it keeps me from suicide because I have hope to see my abusers suffer. I am truly a lost cause. One last thing, I am an adopted orphan also…
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What have you tried so far? Have you tried counseling? Did they recommend medication for your trauma? Sounds like you may have some post traumatic stress disorder going on, and you probably would benefit with treatment. It may not cure your trauma, but it might help diminish it.

A classmate of mine once said she attempted suicide, got some treatment, also said she found the book, “Healing the Child Within” helpful.

Offer up your sufferings to God, both for your own sins, theirs, and humanity’s. Pray for those who persecute you.

Further, although you may be right that they may all go to hell, we don’t know if they would repent in the end, receiving God’s Divine mercy. If that were the case, you may need to spend eternity with them, but they may need to spend time in purgatory, which is worse than any pain on earth. Hell is truly awful, to be permanently separated from God, and us, in unbearable pain for all eternity, to be in Satan’s constant company.

Insofar as forgiveness, what do you think these people deserve? Really? How intensely do you think they should suffer to compensate for your suffering…a year in purgatory? 10 years? 100 years? 1,000? Okay…imagine…they are now receiving this punishment. Then, imagine, it’s over.

Some say there will be some people in heaven we never thought would be there, and that’s due to God’s mercy.

Once, I had an issue which was much smaller, and I had difficulty forgiving. What helped me was that I was focusing on Christ, crucified, in a movie. I put that scene on pause, had a major breakthrough, realizing he actually forgave much worse, and me.

I began to be able to forgive those who deliberately, and knowingly, hurt me.

I have also worked with a blind organization, and one of the teens I am working with is blind due to being beaten up, by a street gang, who had used brass knuckles on him. He was, himself, in a street gang himself. I told him I never was able to understand people who would kill people, for money, or beat them up, etc.

He said he regrets that time but said a lot of those people have suffered a lot. He, himself, lost his mother, who was shot to death during a robbery. He never knew his father. He lives with his grandfather, and I think 9 others. His grandfather didn’t accept that the grandson was behind in school. Besides all that, he said he was raised in a very dangerous neighborhood, where one had to basically learn to fight in order to survive.

With everything, my student rebelled, big time. Only now am I beginning to be able to actually understand why people do some of these things. What I previously could not even conceive now has come to seem like an understandable reaction to that set of circumstances, how he didn’t feel loved by anyone.

I had another student whose nephew was sexually abused, as a child, by a teacher, I think even tied down. The boy was in a fetal position for a month. Later, he turned to drugs to try to self medicate and ease his pain. He also once was where someone else was abusing a boy. Although he didn’t do this, he was laughing. The nephew also turned to male prostitution. So, human psychology is a very curious thing. Finally, he got some treatment, but I don’t know how much relief he has found.

It’s ironic that some people respond to abuse by abusing others, one thing, though I guess it makes no sense. That also happens.

Just out of curiosity, do you know any of the history of any of your abusers?

I’d say to focus on Christ crucified, and to realize Christ suffered much more than any of us, even so, and was innocent. We must learn to forgive those who persecute us in order for him to forgive us.

When we are suffering, we are closest to Christ. Open yourself to God. Give your life over to him. When I had difficult things, my mother would tell me to turn my life over to God, to let him handle it.

I’d like to say a prayer for you.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

God bless you and help you. Peace.
 
A good movie to watch would be Ben-Hur. That’s a good movie to help with forgiveness.
 
Holy Michael the Archangel defend us in the day of battle.
Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the Power of God,
thrust down to hell satan and all the wicked spirits,
who wander through the world for the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Remember, O most loving Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession and was left forsaken. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand, a sorrowful sinner. Despise not my words, O Mother of the Word, but in your mercy, hear and answer me.
Amen
 
Peter Cephas,

Why did you send me a private message saying “I failed Miserably”?
 
Peter_Cephas said:
Dear CAF,
I am here to help, but need help first.
I am all alone in the world and have been abused by family and so called friends all my life. I am only living to try to get into Heaven because I know they are going to Hell and I don’t want to be with them for eternity also. I know hate will eat me alive and send me to Dante’s Inferno but what can I honestly do? I am mentally ill. I can’t just take a pill or press a button and get over a life of mistreatment. We are talking about criminal level of abuse here people… I have a hard time even trying to pray now. The one good thing is it keeps me from suicide because I have hope to see my abusers suffer. I am truly a lost cause. One last thing, I am an adopted orphan also…
Click to expand...
Hi Peter,

I am sorry for all the pain and suffering that was inflicted on you. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you can find peace. I don’t believe in lost causes, because God doesn’t. With Him all things are possible. Ask for grace, even simple, one-sentence prayers are fine.

Here are some things that I think will help you:

First, I think it would help if you could find a Catholic psychologist. You need someone to talk to about your struggles. (If you can’t afford this, I believe there are some who operate on a sliding scale). As a victim of severe abuse, you need professional guidance to support you. Someone you can trust to help you navigate through this.

Second, you need supportive people in your life. We’re not meant to be alone and carry our burdens all by ourselves. I think a spiritual director would do wonders for you. Look for a priest who has a particularly empathetic and compassionate personality.

Third, my spiritual director taught me that if you are having trouble praying, to pray in any way you can; whether it be short prayers all day, reading the scriptures, or praying with hymns. For you, I think it would help if you found a chapel where they keep the Blessed Sacrament, and just go there, and sit. You don’t need to say or do anything. Just look at the Lord, and simply be.

Fourth, if you let your past consume you, then you are allowing them to have power over you still, so don’t starve yourself of good things. Feed your soul with whatever it takes to make you feel alive. Books, nature, good music, flowers, animals, cooking, gardening, sunshine, art, poetry, fresh air. Fill yourself up.

God bless you.
 
Hi Peter.

No such thing as lost causes, especially since you are asking for help.

Praying…
 
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