No Response = Hating?

[johto760]

I’m a 19 yr. old guy, I know I shouldn’t be living with my folks anymore, but I don’t think I can manage on my own, My grandMa lives in the same house as mine, and ever since she’s a child she had never been able to forgive her parents, because to her, no one understands her, we try talking our way through her, we tried our very best to be calm, loving etc. especially with her attitude: sarcastic, purposely-forgetting anything that she did, very very easy to anger, “Respect me, if I didn’t care for you when you were young, you’d be dead” attitude, “If I only knew that you’d be disrespecting me, i should have killed you when you were young” attitude, I know that she’s saying all the quotes above because, she actually tells us that, it hurts so much, that someone who cares for you wants you dead, just because you’re a teenager, -always complaining about a lot of things-,

am i wrong to feel like i just want her to leave me alone for a sec?, I know that she still cares for us, but when we do something like, tell her to stop rearranging our underwear/clothes and stuff, she goes: “I should have killed you when you were a baby” or “God will punish you for doing this to me”, I’m not perfect, but I can control myself, and I have been doing so for 10 years now, I try not to respond to any of her words/actions because, I know that I’ll only end up saying things that I would regret, I have no excuses, I have done her wrong by fighting her fire with fire, I tried saying sorry, I even cried once, but, now she’s like: “I hope when you go somewhere, your vehicle would crash and you’ll be dead”, it’s really very hard to be around her, because she is very narrow-minded, she almost always considers what she wants/believes, I’m currently not talking to her at any way, because I don’t want to say anything that would just send me to do evil, I stopped communicating with her, it’s like a routine, nothing ever changes with what she says, or what she feels, it’s the same every-single day, ever since, even my aunties/uncles/othe grandmoms/even my mom says the same about her, she cares too much, as in she does our laundry, cleans our bedrooms, She never asks permission to do it, and now she’s complaing that we can’t give her the love that she deserves, she deserves to be love, I know and believe in that so much that I really am trying my best to just avoid her, because that’s what she wants, she wants us to understands her, but the minuite she feels like she’s being open to us, she shuts us down, BIG TIME, she tells us that she would just leave, she doesn’t want to be treated or anything. Now I feel like I’m starting to be hateful around her, I try to just let it pass, but she’s one heck of a nagger. she’ll go on for hours and hours, she’ll even go to the neighbors, outside and scandalize our family.

For those who understand, am I doing well so far? I need counselling but I know this forum’s advices and people are far far more valuable than that of a therapist.

I’m sorry for taking so much of your time.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

GOD LOVES YOU>

 

[Jessi_Thomist]

Be careful with the word ‘hate’, you do not hate a person even if you get really irritated with him or her.

You can not change other people; at least not alone. Pray for your grandmother, and if she is Catholic or Christian, tell her that you pray for her. I get the feeling that she really doesn’t mean that she would have killed you or your parents as a child. People get cranky when they feel unappreciated and old people sometimes start acting like children. You can not change that. But realize that she doesn’t hate you, even though she may say it-- even repeatedly. She wants to be acknowledged.

If you can be the better person, try to choke out a thank you-- even when you don’t mean it. That is probably all that she is looking for.
I find that when people irritate me, and I make a real effort (and sometimes I mean a REAL effort) to be kind to them, I get less irritated.

Saint John Vianney used to thank God for the obnoxious people in his life (and he had some doozies) because trying to love them, made it easier to love God.

May God give you peace.

 

[Glory3509]

I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. What you are feeling doesn’t sound like hate. It sounds like frustration and resentment and that is okay. Feelings are important and good. It’s how we choose to deal with them that makes them good or bad.

I have a friend that is going through something very similar. They don’t really mean what they say but that doesn’t make the venom any easier to handle. She is being cruel and your family needs to set bounderies on what is acceptable behavior and let her know there will be consequence when she steps out of line. This is what a friend had to do. Mostly when her father goes to this place she walks away and ignors him. She does not feed his need for this control. She relized that he is so starved for attention that he will take what ever he can get from her. Weather its anger or joy. Sadly though he was getting most of her anger. But when she created bounderies and consequence. He got it. He does relaps and I see it, she reminds him.

What your Grandmother is doing is abusive. Pray for her, maybe take her to see your family Priest. Create bounderies with your family. This is not acceptable.

God Bless you and I will pray for you.

 

[mary1173]

She needs another adult to turn to…and as much as it hurts at first it may HAVE to be a therapist. She sounds worn out and overwhelmed by something other than you and the rest of the family. Is she going through menopause? If she is- she has too little, or at times too much estrogen and seratonin in her bloodstream…[the hormones that make mothers ‘‘postal’’ during birthing of their babies, and at menopause.]…it is a chemical imbalance. The brain can’t or won’t produce proper amounts of hormones correctly.
She needs medical attention most right now.

I’m sure if she goes to her doctor and explains how she’s REALLY doing the doctor can and WILL help her

Get her to make a list of any symptoms she has…or if you notice symptoms write them down and give them to her doctor…only by being forthcoming to a dr. can she change her medical/emotional problems…I will keep you all in my prayers
Good Luck

 

[Trishie]

You sound like a lovely young man and it sounds as if your grandma has a very disordered brain. I’m sorry but I don’t think she really understands love. Please don’t accept her attitudes and perspectives as normal or as all-right. Darling, I have a nineteen year old granddaughter whom I love to bits, as I do my five other grandchildren. I’d be devasted to hurt them or treat them in any way that conveyed to them anything but that they are precious, and about every other grandmother would feel the same.

I think you need to understand for your own right view of the world, that the things she says aren’t love…you are accustomed to her, but in some way her personality is very sick. The root of it is that she doesn’t love herself. Remember Jesus said, “love others as you love yourself” He used the last couple of words for a very good reason, if you can’t love yourself as His loved child it’s hard to love others. Doing things for others, especially if it’s things you actually don’t want them to do, like going through your stuff, isn’t love of itself. Things for others need to be done with love, not resentful duty.

But your grandmother doesn’t know this. She doesn’t understand, so you need to be as courteous and as you can, like you would be with someone with who was ill in an obvious way. Pray for the poor lady. Clearly she is so entrenched in her thinking that change is unlikely. She will probably never gain the balance she needs or the understanding of love, but her soul needs your prayers. No matter how much love you gave she could never really absorb it as she doesn’t seem to have the receptors. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give her love, just don’t expect any reward.

Don’t ever, please, value yourself less for the cruel and unloving, even murderous things she says. Please don’t buy into them.

 

[Trishie]

1. 2 Love one another

Jesus, You command that we love each other as You have loved us. You add that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for others. “Since the Father loved us so much that He sent You to be the sacrifice that takes our sins away, we too should love one another.” [John 4:10-11] “By such love, everyone will know that we are Your disciples.” “Anyone who says ‘I love God’, and hates his brother is a liar, since a person who does not love the brother that he can see, cannot love God whom he has never seen.” [1 letter of John 4:20-21]

**It can be difficult to love others when they appear ‘troublesome’, or misjudge or reject us, or when we are weary and preoccupied! ** Each of us has only our personal consciousness, so that we only know our own feelings and thoughts, and may only imagine another’s. “The depths of a person can only be known by his own spirit, not by any other person.” [1Corinthians 2:1] So how can we truly love? “Let us love one another, since love comes from God.” [John 4:7] Therefore, Jesus, we may hope for God’s love in us that we may love as You have loved us.

As You have said, to live as Your disciples, as children of the Father, is impossible for humankind—but “nothing is impossible to God.” Love begins with awareness that each person is loved child of the Father. Therefore, Jesus, I pray for Your love in me for everyone You bring into my life. I forgive and bless each person who has hurt my loved ones or me. Please ensure that we forgive, however deeply others action or inaction wound us.

You have made us Your brothers and sisters; therefore, we will strive to overcome the difficulties that natural selfishness generates. We seldom must actually die as You did, for another person’s sake. Yet every day there are ways that we relinquish some preference, desire, or convenience for the need or wish of another person.

Let Your Holy Spirit carry us lovingly though these little deaths. Love requires that we do so generously, kindly and cheerfully, for reluctance or resentment is not of the love that lays down life for anyone. You wish us to love all whom You in any way entrust to our care, but You also require us to love and pray for our enemies—those who make our lives difficult and painful. Jesus, forgive us for those failures to love them truly. [Matthew. 5:44]

 

[Trishie]

You say that when we do a kindness to anyone we do it for You. [Matthew 25:40]. You teach that the consequence of not living this Christ-love towards others is self-condemnation to that miserable pit where no love penetrates, for all who dwell within have ultimately rejected divine love.

Our love “is not to be mere words or mere talk, but something real and active; only by this can we be certain that we are children of the truth.” [John 3:18-19] Your apostle Paul exhorts, “Do not let your love be pretence, but sincerely prefer good to evil. Love each other as brothers should, and have a profound respect for each other…If any of the saints are in need you must share with them; and you must make hospitality your special care.” [Romans 12:9-13]

“Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate” even to the sacrifice of His beloved Son. “Do not judge others and you will not yourself be judged. Grant pardon and you will be pardoned. Give, and there will be gifts for you: a full measure.” [Luke 6:36-38]

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you; in this way you will be children of your Father in heaven, for He causes the sun to rise on bad men as well as good, and His rain to fall on honest and dishonest persons alike…You must therefore be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.” [Matthew 5:43-48]

“We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves…For Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, ‘The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.’” [Romans. 15:1-3] “*Malice must be banished from your tongue **.” [Psalm 34:13] “Cease to do evil. Learn to do good, search for justice, help the oppressed, be just to the orphan, and plead for the widow. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” [Isaiah 1:17-18]

• Maybe you grandmother can’t help it anymore…but you have to try.

 

[Trishie]

‘Love others…as yourself’

Jesus when You command us to love others as ourselves, You require something more challenging than simply to “love others.” The embedded touchstone in that command is “love your self.” Help us therefore not to be uncharitable to ourselves.

Many people lack proper self-esteem, making it difficult for them to genuinely value others. However, Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29]

If we do fail to love ourselves correctly, we cannot accept God’s love. Let us never imagine ourselves hidden from Your mercy: ‘“Can anyone hide in a dark corner without my seeing him?’ asks the Lord.” [Jeremiah 23-24]

The concept of rightly loving oneself in order to love others as God’s precious children may be confused with the selfishness that ruins unselfish self-love. It requires us to reject negative self-talk and responses. “If a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be good?” [Ecclesiasticus 14:3].

Growth in Christian self-love is facilitated by “filling your mind with everything that is true, everything that is noble, and everything that is pure and good” [Philippians 4:8] and serving “in works of love.” It is allowing the Spirit to direct your life and then “you will be in no danger of yielding to self-indulgence. What the Spirit brings is…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.” [Galatians 5:13, 16, 26, 22-23]

Jesus, help us to fittingly love ourselves. You do not wish us to disparage ourselves but to see ourselves as loved, forgiven children of God. A poor self-image may compare to our perception of ‘clouds’. To observers, clouds appear to be impressive, substantial and tangible. However, within themselves the clouds seem damp, insubstantial and misty.

Jesus, let us not belittle ourselves in comparison to others because of our personal uncertainties and inadequacies. Let us live in sincere acceptance of self, that unique gift of Your creative love. help us to see ourselves as loved children of God. Jesus, help me to know that You really love me. Help me to love myself so that I can love You and others love others truly.

 

[mary1173]

‘Love others…as yourself’

Jesus when You command us to love others as ourselves, You require something more challenging than simply to “love others.” The embedded touchstone in that command is “love your self.” Help us therefore not to be uncharitable to ourselves.

Many people lack proper self-esteem, making it difficult for them to genuinely value others. However, Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29]

If we do fail to love ourselves correctly, we cannot accept God’s love. Let us never imagine ourselves hidden from Your mercy: ‘“Can anyone hide in a dark corner without my seeing him?’ asks the Lord.” [Jeremiah 23-24]

The concept of rightly loving oneself in order to love others as God’s precious children may be confused with the selfishness that ruins unselfish self-love. It requires us to reject negative self-talk and responses. “If a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be good?” [Ecclesiasticus 14:3].

Growth in Christian self-love is facilitated by “filling your mind with everything that is true, everything that is noble, and everything that is pure and good” [Philippians 4:8] and serving “in works of love.” It is allowing the Spirit to direct your life and then “you will be in no danger of yielding to self-indulgence. What the Spirit brings is…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.” [Galatians 5:13, 16, 26, 22-23]

Jesus, help us to fittingly love ourselves. You do not wish us to disparage ourselves but to see ourselves as loved, forgiven children of God. A poor self-image may compare to our perception of ‘clouds’. To observers, clouds appear to be impressive, substantial and tangible. However, within themselves the clouds seem damp, insubstantial and misty.

Jesus, let us not belittle ourselves in comparison to others because of our personal uncertainties and inadequacies. Let us live in sincere acceptance of self, that unique gift of Your creative love. help us to see ourselves as loved children of God. Jesus, help me to know that You really love me. Help me to love myself so that I can love You and others love others truly.

I couldn’t have said it any better myself, Trishie…she’s right you know.

 

[o_mlly]

…“If I only knew that you’d be disrespecting me, i should have killed you when you were young” … “I should have killed you when you were a baby” or “God will punish you for doing this to me”

Our passions are in themselves neither good nor bad because we do not will them. However, they move us to act. Controlling our passions’ ability to affect our will is lifelong moral obligation.

Anger, an irascible passion, is the normal and desirable passion that arises in the face of a present evil. Your grandmother’s quotes above are evil. Whether she is culpable or not is known only to God and her. Your anger should not be directed at your grandmother but only towards her evil acts. How your anger moves you to act requires you to make a judgment regarding your grandmother’s state of mind. Either her will is disordered or she is sick and unable to control her impulses to do evil. The latter judgment on your part is preferred since it is the more charitable.

Your action, therefore, should be medicinal in nature. Out of charity, excommunication is considered medicinal by Mother Church for those who remain persistent and unrepentant in their relationship to her. We are social beings by nature and it is the hope of Mother Church that severing the bond (but not completely, the sacrament of penance is still available to excommunicants) will provide the excommunicant the motivation to recognize the error of their ways and return to the Church. Remain open to any effort on your grandmother’s part to repair her relationships in the family.

However, your grandmother evil acts seem to have taken the form of a vice – a habitual disposition to do evil. She may need help in breaking her vicious cycle and your parish pastor would be the first one to whom I would recommend you seek counsel.

Peace,
O’Malley

 

[Reepicheep]

I’m a 19 yr. old guy, I know I shouldn’t be living with my folks anymore, but I don’t think I can manage on my own, My grandMa lives in the same house as mine, and ever since she’s a child she had never been able to forgive her parents, because to her, no one understands her, we try talking our way through her, we tried our very best to be calm, loving etc. especially with her attitude: sarcastic, purposely-forgetting anything that she did, very very easy to anger, “Respect me, if I didn’t care for you when you were young, you’d be dead” attitude, “If I only knew that you’d be disrespecting me, i should have killed you when you were young” attitude,

This sounds to me like the result of pain. Your Grandma is in pain, spiritually or emotionally, and deals with it by lashing out at others. Of course this doesn’t justify anything, but perhaps knowing this will make it easier to forgive her.

am i wrong to feel like i just want her to leave me alone for a sec?,

No. You’re not in the least wrong to want relief from her behavior.

I’m currently not talking to her at any way, because I don’t want to say anything that would just send me to do evil, I stopped communicating with her,
she cares too much, as in she does our laundry, cleans our bedrooms, She never asks permission to do it, and now she’s complaing that we can’t give her the love that she deserves,

That does not sound lke caring, if she does it against your will.
I don’t think she does this out of love. It could be an attempt to control you by “doing things for you”, and then demanding gratitude.
It may be that it gives her the excuse she feels she needs for saying hateful words.
It may be that she’s desperate to feel needed or useful, and doing things gives her that feeling. The fact you don’t want her to do it would be just another thing to blame you over, in her mind.
In any event, I would advise against trying to discern her motives. That’s for a trained professional to do.
Just remember you don’t have to be grateful when she does these things, and you can forgive her whether she’s sorry or not.

Now I feel like I’m starting to be hateful around her, I try to just let it pass, but she’s one heck of a nagger. she’ll go on for hours and hours, she’ll even go to the neighbors, outside and scandalize our family.

I know this hurts. My own mother, a kind, gentle and loving woman, became a little like this during her senility (which, thanks be to God, did not last very long).
It’s ok to walk away when you can, or refuse to reply.
And pray for her. Pray, pary, pray.

I will include you and your Grandma in my prayers. May the peace of Christ fill your heart, and hers.

 

[johto760]

@ Trishie : Thank you so much for those wonderful prayers, i believe. It has, Truly, filled my heart with joy. I thank you again and again, but I could only do so much.

Thank you again.

To all who have helped by replying, Thank you all so so much, The people in here are just heaven-sent, Thank you all for understanding me in this situation, and yeah, what I feel is still not hate, because I still want to help her, and I still pray for her every night, she just simply doesn’t think that something’s not right with her, so, a therapist would be a very bad idea,

Thank you all for all these replies, suggestions and comments about this matter.

I love this forum, I’m not a very avid poster, but I see the people in here, even if I don’t literally see you guys, as friends. so no matter what I do or say,

anyone of you cannot escape my prayers. ^_^,

Bitter sweet ending for a this post.

GOD LOVES YOU>

 

[Newbie2]

I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. What you are feeling doesn’t sound like hate. It sounds like frustration and resentment and that is okay. Feelings are important and good. It’s how we choose to deal with them that makes them good or bad.

I have a friend that is going through something very similar. They don’t really mean what they say but that doesn’t make the venom any easier to handle. She is being cruel and your family needs to set bounderies on what is acceptable behavior and let her know there will be consequence when she steps out of line. This is what a friend had to do. Mostly when her father goes to this place she walks away and ignors him. She does not feed his need for this control. She relized that he is so starved for attention that he will take what ever he can get from her. Weather its anger or joy. Sadly though he was getting most of her anger. But when she created bounderies and consequence. He got it. He does relaps and I see it, she reminds him.

What your Grandmother is doing is abusive. Pray for her, maybe take her to see your family Priest. Create bounderies with your family. This is not acceptable.

God Bless you and I will pray for you.

Dittos. I can’t really add anything except put your family in my prayers.