No Sex After Marriage

[cpete]

Mindy,
Just read your post and it’s already a month old so I hope you’re still checking your replies. First of all, I hope you and your husband have been married sacramentally, that is, through the Church. My reply assumes that.
Your husband is clearly ignorant of Church teaching regarding human sexuality and chastity in marriage. As a married Catholic couple you are called to be open to life. This does not mean that you are called to have a lot of children, it does mean that you are open to have them and will do so taking into consideration grave matters such as health, the ability to support them, your psychological make-up, etc. Being closed to having children is, basically, being closed to each other. A man and/or woman that refuses to have any children in the context of a sacramental marriage is really unwilling to give of himself or herself totally to the other person. Thus, the conjugal act then becomes a way for one person to use the other for sexual gratification, rather than a total giving of self. Sexual intimacy fulfills two roles: procreation and unity. Even if a couple, after having children, decides for just reason to have no more children, sex between this married couple is still a good and chaste thing, provided no methods are used other than Natural Family Planning. I strongly encourage you and your husband to read the book “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. In it, he clearly explains in layman terms the teachings of the Church regarding our sexuality and the proper use of this gift in the context of marriage. Ask God to bless and protect your marriage and to give your husband wisdom in this area. God bless,
C. Pete

 

[brigid12]

I recommend reviweing this section of the Catechism with your husband: The Goods and Requirements of Conjugal Love (CCC 1643-1654)

Paragraph 1654 is particularly revealing:“Spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice.”

I would also suggest looking at John Paul II’s “Love and Responsibility” as well as his “Theology of the Body”. One simply cannot read these books and walk away thinking that the Church teaches that sex is for procreation only.

Marital intimacy is for procreation and for the unitive aspects both according to the Church. Even sterility is not a valid excuse to not have marital relations. In fact, a couple needs to have a special dispensation from the Bishop of your diocese in order to not have intimacy (a Josephite marriage)!

I even wonder if there might be a medical/physical reason for your husband’s “view” (it sure isn’t the view of the Church and never has been). I would talk to a priest, maybe take him to Retrouville and maybe even have him see a doctor.

 

[pe219]

I recently converted to Catholicism and married my husband last year. We had dated for 9 years prior to marriage. He grew up in a Catholic family but only re-joined the church and its beliefs in the past couple of years. Now that we are married he has stated that we can no longer have sex. He says that as a married couple our roles have changed and that sex is only for procreation now. He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months. In fact, he says that according to Catholicism you can ONLY have sex if it is for procreation. I have tried to debate this and have asked if this means that older Catholic couples cannot have sex. We are seeing a therapist, but she doesn’t have background in Catholicism.

Can someone please advise me?

Go and visit your parish priest together. Blessings.

 

[PJM]

=Mindy0802;5206414]I recently converted to Catholicism and married my husband last year. We had dated for 9 years prior to marriage. He grew up in a Catholic family but only re-joined the church and its beliefs in the past couple of years. Now that we are married he has stated that we can no longer have sex. He says that as a married couple our roles have changed and that sex is only for procreation now. He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months. In fact, he says that according to Catholicism you can ONLY have sex if it is for procreation. I have tried to debate this and have asked if this means that older Catholic couples cannot have sex. We are seeing a therapist, but she doesn’t have background in Catholicism.

Can someone please advise me?

Our God is a loving God, and so we are to be a LOVING MARRIED Couple.

I appreciate his interest in not sinning, BUT

St. Paul 1 Cor. 7: "
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote. It is well for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control. 6 I say this by way of concession, not of command. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of anothe"

The Teachings of the Catholic say nothing about married couples NOT HAVING SEXUAL intercourse, as often as they want, so long as it is not impeded by contraceptive products.

Indeed, it COULD be a Mortal sin to deny natural rights to sexual union, if there is NO good and valid reason for doing so. No hubby has not sinned to this point because he thought he was following church law. He most definately is NOT!

To be a Mortal sin it has to be a serious matter [this is]
One has to know that it is Mortally sinful [he didn’t]
One has to with this knowledge, freely wish to sin anyway

So have a wonderful “honeymoon!”

Avoid conterceptives, and enjoy each other.

Here is the teaching of the RCC from the Catechesim
2362 “The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude.” Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure:

The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation"

Love and prayers friends

 

[Michael_Saint]

In some cases, a man might avoid sex with his wife for various reasons, such as that he is having problems with impotence and is embarrassed about it, he has gotten into porn, is having an affair, etc. I am not saying this is the case with your husband, but I am saying that there are sometimes various reasons why men and women are not having sex with their spouses, and perhaps you might consider that the whole “procreation is the only legitimate reason to have sex” is just an excuse. I just can’t believe that a man who has returned to his faith two years ago and has presumably done some studying since then would believe this. What has he been reading?

 

[aicirt]

I recently converted to Catholicism and married my husband last year. We had dated for 9 years prior to marriage. He grew up in a Catholic family but only re-joined the church and its beliefs in the past couple of years. Now that we are married he has stated that we can no longer have sex. He says that as a married couple our roles have changed and that sex is only for procreation now. He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months. In fact, he says that according to Catholicism you can ONLY have sex if it is for procreation. I have tried to debate this and have asked if this means that older Catholic couples cannot have sex. We are seeing a therapist, but she doesn’t have background in Catholicism.

Can someone please advise me?

May I ask why it took 9 years for marriage? Did he indicate his desire not to have children before you married? Was this brought up during Cannan conference? For me that would be the problem. He doesn’t want children. And your clock is ticking. You need to talk to your priest with or without him and then you need to know what you want.

 

[Emerite]

I recall learning in 1950’s parochial school Catechism classes that marriage is (1) for procreation of children, and (2) for freedom from concupiscence. Perhaps the Mr. has a potency problem, psychological problem, or somehow learned early on what his belief is today – any of which may require professional counseling and/or treatment to sort through. Or could the marriage not be valid in the Church for any reason? My prayers are with you all for a happy solution.

 

[KatyB]

“According to Catholicism you can ONLY have sex if it is for procreation”? That is dead wrong. It makes me sad when non-Catholics perpetuate misconceptions about Catholicism. It’s even worse when Catholics themselves don’t know the teachings.

There’s a great book called “Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West, which I recommend you have your husband read immediately. It translates Pope John Paul’s Humana Vitae (Theology of the Body) into layman’s terms. It disproves much of the thinking about sex that the nuns and priests taught our parents. It addresses even the most intimate, even uncomfortable, questions about sexual activity and the Church’s teaching. And it’s a relief for anyone who desires to be intimate with his or her spouse.

Also, someone may have already said this, but I believe in order to be considered a sacrament, when two people go into marriage they have to be open to God’s gift of children. If your husband went into the marriage not wanting children or led you to believe he wanted children and now says he doesn’t, your marriage may not be a sacrament. And if he is an otherwise healthy young man and he has no desire for sexual activity with you, there could be a physical problem or psychological problem on his part.

Good luck - you are in my prayers.

 

[Transformer]

Mindy–

To reiterative what most people have said, but in the technical language of moral theology:

Sex is not “for” procreation only, though the unitive aspect of sex is dependent on the procreative aspect. Your intention in having sex does not have to be reproduction. You do not have to intend to have a baby. Spouses who use NFP, or who cannot possibly have a child, have sex without the intention of reproduction, and they do so morally. What you cannot do is attack the generative function of sex (something contraception does).

If I have made a mistake in trying to be this specific, someone please correct me; I believe I’m right, though.

Information from: thomist.org/journal/1998/984aLamo.htm

He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months.

In addition to not violating the generative function of any given sex act, married couples must be open to having children over time and must only seek to space births for serious reasons. One should not get married if he is unsure he is willing to accept children, and if he truly believes that he has a vocation to marriage, he should be open to having children.

Now that we are married he has stated that we can no longer have sex. He says that as a married couple our roles have changed and that sex is only for procreation now. He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months.

I gather from these two sentences that you and your husband had sex before marriage. If that was before your return to the faith, then God bless you for returning to chastity. But just in case, I think I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t mention that the Church teaches that all non-marital sex is grave matter, and She does so for very good reason.

God bless you in your struggles, Mindy.

 

[Spirithound]

I recently converted to Catholicism and married my husband last year. We had dated for 9 years prior to marriage. He grew up in a Catholic family but only re-joined the church and its beliefs in the past couple of years. Now that we are married he has stated that we can no longer have sex. He says that as a married couple our roles have changed and that sex is only for procreation now. He is unsure about whether he wants to have children, so we have not had sex for over 7-8 months. In fact, he says that according to Catholicism you can ONLY have sex if it is for procreation. I have tried to debate this and have asked if this means that older Catholic couples cannot have sex. We are seeing a therapist, but she doesn’t have background in Catholicism.

Can someone please advise me?

I’m going to read between the lines a bit, so please forgive me if I am wrong about your case.

Sex before marriage is a grave sin (potentially mortal), and using contraception is another grave sin. As other posters have said, your husband has some terribly mistaken ideas about sex in Catholicism, and I suspect this is at the root of it. There is no “difference” between sex before and after marriage, because there is no sex before marriage.

Much more reason you both need to go to a priest.
Peace be with you.

 

[wcasv5]

Hello Mindy,

Martial Sex is a blessed and Holy gift from GOD. It is for both procreation and pleasure. Tell your husband to read the biblical book Song of Songs. It is entirely about Sex in marriage. GOD would not deny HIS creation such a wonderful gift. HE even allowed Mary and Joseph to have relations after JESUS was born. Trust me on this on. In fact, there are several passages in the bible where GOD specifically ORDERS a husband and wife to have sex. Look it up, please don’t take my word for it

Yours,
William

 

[Spirithound]

Hi Mindy,

Martial Sex is a blessed and Holy gift from GOD. It is for both procreation and pleasure. Tell your husband to read the biblical book Song of Songs. It is entirely about Sex in marriage. GOD would not deny HIS creation such a wonderful gift, even though some couples like Mary and Joseph chose not to have relations throughout their lives. Don’t trust me on this, know that it ha been believed by even the earliest Christians.

Yours,
Spirithound

 

[rwoehmke]

I am wondering if one of you had a previous marriage and whether your husbands return to the Church and the Sacraments is requiring him to live with you as brother and sister so that he can receive the sacraments. Something seems really off here. Most new husbands are pawing the earth in anticipation.

 

[aicirt]

Hello Mindy,

Martial Sex is a blessed and Holy gift from GOD. It is for both procreation and pleasure. Tell your husband to read the biblical book Song of Songs. It is entirely about Sex in marriage. GOD would not deny HIS creation such a wonderful gift. HE even allowed Mary and Joseph to have relations after JESUS was born. Trust me on this on. In fact, there are several passages in the bible where GOD specifically ORDERS a husband and wife to have sex. Look it up, please don’t take my word for it

Yours,
William

Curious…how do you know Mary and Joseph had sexual relations after Jesus was born?

 

[cpete]

Sorry but Mary and Joseph never had relations. It is NOT on the bible. Our protestant brothers interpret certain passages incorrectly. Our Blessed Mother was and is perpetually virginal being that she was the Living Ark of the Covenant who held the true Manna, Bread from Heaven, who is Christ. In fact, her question to the Archangel Gabriel presumes her vows of virginity. How will this come to be? Joseph, in a dream, was informed of the divine origin of the child Mary was expecting, that it was through the Holy Spirit that Christ was conceived. Would God have entrusted the upbringing of his only begotten son to just anyone? No, he entrusted it to a great saint: Joseph. This saintly man and the Blessed Virgin Mary lived a life of virginal chastity whose focus was Christ.
Having said that, the fact that Mary and Joseph never had relations does not invalidate the teachings of the Church regarding the gift of total self giving within the bond of marriage. Chastity, let us remember, is lived in two ways: within the bond of marriage where husband and wife give of each other completely and, outside of marriage where men and women do not engage in any kind of sexual relations but, rather, offer up their total gift of self to God. God accepts and blesses both gifts of self.
God bless,
CPete