No Sex!!!

[Lexee15]

Is it morally wrong to not have sex with your husband? I ask this because my husband is having multiple affairs and I have decided that he will NEVER be intimate (sexually and otherwise) with me again. I told my mom this and she said that it was a sin to withhold sex when you are married. I said that I wasn’t just doing it as some kind of punishment but for safety reasons. I told her that I was not going to risk my health and the health of my unborn child because I’m married and I’m supposed to give him sex. She told me to consult a priest, but before I go there I would like to get some answers on this forum since there are very knowledgable people here, thanks.

 

[Vincent1560]

Lexee15:

Is it morally wrong to not have sex with your husband? I ask this because my husband is having multiple affairs and I have decided that he will NEVER be intimate (sexually and otherwise) with me again. I told my mom this and she said that it was a sin to withhold sex when you are married. I said that I wasn’t just doing it as some kind of punishment but for safety reasons. I told her that I was not going to risk my health and the health of my unborn child because I’m married and I’m supposed to give him sex. She told me to consult a priest, but before I go there I would like to get some answers on this forum since there are very knowledgable people here, thanks.

I believe it is a sin to never have sex with him again regardless of any changes that may happen. For example if he repents of his infidelity and is faithful to you (and hasn’t contracted an std) I think that you would be wrong in denying him. However while he is practicing infidelity having sex with him poses an obvious health risk to yourself and your child, thus I would say that while such behavior continues you are definetley justified in withholding sex. Although your mindset should be that you are doing this not to punish your husband, but to protect your health and that of the child within you. I will say a prayer for you.

God Bless,

 

[nico1089]

Yes, you are right. Adultry by a spouse is grounds for withholding sex. If he went to confession and you both had some counciling there might be some reconciliation. In similar circumstances I would not have sex with a partner until 6-8 months and an AIDS test that comes back negative. It takes that long before the virus would show in the test.I wish you well, nicolo

 

[Pug]

You are not required to admit a spouse to relations who is engaged in an adulterous affair.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

quoted from canon law

 

[Catholic2003]

Adultery is the only cause that would justify withholding sex forever.

 

[Lexee15]

Pug:

You are not required to admit a spouse to relations who is engaged in an adulterous affair.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living **unless the spouse consented to the ** adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

What the heck does this mean?

§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

And this??? This doesn’t seem quite fair if you’re trying to work things out and they don’t work. Now, when I thought we were reconciling we ended up concieving another child, but I have recently found out that his multiple affairs have continued, so does this this apply to me? I voluntarily was with him cause we were supposed to be working things out, he lied and continued his affairs…do I still have recourse?

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

Why does this have to be within six months? I plan on asking him to leave within the next month, but I need to make sure that I have everything taken care of logistically. I also don’t plan on filing for divorce until after my child is born that’s about 8 months from now or some time after my baby is born. Will I not have grounds then? Oh, he’s still an addict on top of all of this.

 

[Courtneyjo]

Talk with your priest or contact your diocesan marriage tribunal. They can tell you based on the specifics of your case. Also, don’t neglect your prayer life. A daily rosary will be very helpful. I like praying along with a CD. It is nice to hear another voice gently guide the prayer, and if I want to meditate more, I stop the CD then restart it.

 

[Catholic2003]

Lexee15:

What the heck does this mean?

An example would be a couple in a so-called “open” marriage.

Lexee15:

And this??? This doesn’t seem quite fair if you’re trying to work things out and they don’t work.

The canon law reads a lot more legalistically than it applies. From your description, it sounds as you are okay.

The intent of this section of canon law is that a person who wants to leave their spouse because of some other reason altogether can’t use an old affair from the distant past as an excuse. It is not meant to impede attempts at reconciliation out of fear that they might fail.

Lexee15:

Why does this have to be within six months?

It’s just a guideline, not an absolute cut off. Again, the legalistic requirements are not important; it is the spirit of the law behind those requirements that really matter. You are perfectly okay with your slightly longer than six months timeline.

 

[Pug]

Lexee15,

I did not mean to cause you distress! I had meant to reassure you that it is indeed so that you do not need to have relations with a spouse who is having an affair. Truly it would be best to see a priest to discuss all of your options, as you have mentioned you plan to do.:yup: If you could get another poster, cameron lansing, to post, if I recall he knows canon law well.

I don’t want to try to explain it too much, lest I get it wrong and misinform you! The canon is real, though, so I thought you should know, as you asked for info. It is not saying you can’t apply for an annulment, or any kind of six month thing about that. It is about your right to refuse relations. You have one.

When they talk about **unless the spouse consented to the ** adultery, **gave cause for it, **I think they are talking about things like having unreasonably abandoned your spouse and moved to another state prior to their adultery or doing stuff like “wife swapping” which implies all four are in on it or hiring him a prostitute for his birthday, etc.

The canon is not saying you can’t have an annulment. That is not what it is about!

 

[Lexee15]

Pug:

Lexee15,

I did not mean to cause you distress! I had meant to reassure you that it is indeed so that you do not need to have relations with a spouse who is having an affair. Truly it would be best to see a priest to discuss all of your options, as you have mentioned you plan to do.:yup: If you could get another poster, cameron lansing, to post, if I recall he knows canon law well.

I don’t want to try to explain it too much, lest I get it wrong and misinform you! The canon is real, though, so I thought you should know, as you asked for info. It is not saying you can’t apply for an annulment, or any kind of six month thing about that. It is about your right to refuse relations. You have one.

When they talk about **unless the spouse consented to the ** adultery, **gave cause for it, **I think they are talking about things like having unreasonably abandoned your spouse and moved to another state prior to their adultery or doing stuff like “wife swapping” which implies all four are in on it or hiring him a prostitute for his birthday, etc.

The canon is not saying you can’t have an annulment. That is not what it is about!

Thanks for the clarification, I freaked out for a minute there . Very good information though, and thank you for it, seems like my mom was partially right about what she said. Now I need to find a good priest to talk to, I am moving out of downtown Chicago and going to Elmhurst a suburb about 15 miles west. Does anyone know of any good parishes in or around the area or of a good priest…even if I have to go into Chicago to see him, I don’t mind. Thanks for all the help.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

I’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s affairs. I know first hand how much this hurts. Have you confronted your husband on this matter?? what does he say??
I don’t want to give you my advise on this matter, because I’m new comming back to the Catholic church. I’m afraid my advise would conflict with your religious practices. I’m here if you ever want to talk…
Congrats on tour pregnancy. Even though you may be suffering from a broken heart, at least you will recieve a beautiful baby!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

Lexee15:

Is it morally wrong to not have sex with your husband? I ask this because my husband is having multiple affairs and I have decided that he will NEVER be intimate (sexually and otherwise) with me again. I told my mom this and she said that it was a sin to withhold sex when you are married. I said that I wasn’t just doing it as some kind of punishment but for safety reasons. I told her that I was not going to risk my health and the health of my unborn child because I’m married and I’m supposed to give him sex. She told me to consult a priest, but before I go there I would like to get some answers on this forum since there are very knowledgable people here, thanks.

Quite a few major, life altering decisions you have announced in the last 24 hrs. I am truly sorry for the chaotic situation you find yourself in after re-reading a number of your posts and seeing how thoroughly deceived and mistreated you have been by your husband.

I applaud your courage and determination to separate yourself physically from him. Your husband’s continued sexual interaction with multiple women has not only destroyed the trust and stability of your marriage, but poses substantial risks to your health and the health of your unborn baby. It would be reckless knowing what you know to engage in intimate contact with him again during the term of this pregancy.

You mentioned confiding in your mother. I hope she and other friends/family are close by and will be a source of support for you and that you will not go through this terribly difficult time alone. I am sure many on these boards are remembering you and your innocent babes in their daily prayers.

 

[stanley123]

Pug:

You are not required to admit a spouse to relations who is engaged in an adulterous affair.

Would this law which you have quoted cover the case of someone such as a former President of the US who said that he never did have sexual relations with a young intern, but he was engaging in other activities. Would he be right in that this would not be considered to be adultery in that case? Or would the law concerning separation still apply, even in cases when a husband was only kissing and hugging a woman who was not his wife.

 

[Catholic2003]

stanley123:

Would this law which you have quoted cover the case of someone such as a former President of the US who said that he never did have sexual relations with a young intern, but he was engaging in other activities. Would he be right in that this would not be considered to be adultery in that case? Or would the law concerning separation still apply, even in cases when a husband was only kissing and hugging a woman who was not his wife.

The term “adultery” in this canon applies not only to sexual intercourse, but also to oral sodomy, anal sodomy, and bestiality. It does not apply to kissing or Internet “affairs”, nor to masturbation and/or pornography.

 

[Magicsilence]

Lusting with the heart is adultery, someone called Jesus said something about it.

 

[Katie1723]

One thing you may want to keep in mind, ask to be tested for STD’s because if pregnancy happened after he had his affairs, you could indeed be exposed.

~ Kathy ~

 

[Pug]

Catholic2003:

The term “adultery” in this canon applies not only to sexual intercourse, but also to oral sodomy, anal sodomy, and bestiality. It does not apply to kissing or Internet “affairs”, nor to masturbation and/or pornography.

The bestiality one surprises me. I know that it is in a moral category that is slightly different from masturbation because of the misuse of creation, but it does not involve another person. My surprise is meaningless, though, because I am not a canon lawyer.

Is there a reason for the beastiality counting like adultery and not like masturbation?

 

[Cupofkindness]

Let’s stay on-topic for the sake of the OP and take non-related issues to another thread, please.

Lexee: I hope you are able to talk to your OB/Gyn about your husband’s unfaithfulness. Not only might his wreckless actions expose you to terrible diseases, but it will affect you throughout your pregnancy on an emotional and physical level as well. I would urge you to make certain that your husband has no access to your medical records or your birthing plans unless you are reconcilled. Now the baby’s birth is months away, but you must make it clear to the hospital staff as the time approaches whether or not your husband is allowed in your delivery room. It might be good to give your mother a medical “Power of Attorney” for you. It will probably need to be notarized, in the least. Furthermore, you need to protect yourself from your husband’s involvement should you become incapacitated during your pregnancy and delivery. Since he is your legal husband, should something happen and you would not be able to speak for yourself, by law your husband will be making all the medical decisions on your behalf. I believe that you need to see a lawyer (if you haven’t already engaged one) and get your legal ducks in a row so that your care and the care of your child are provided for as you see fit. Bring your mother with you whenever possible.

Oh goodness, one of my children just called and is too sick to stay in school. I need to sign off and pick him up. Please take care of these legal matters as soon as you can, Lexee.

 

[Catholic2003]

Pug:

Is there a reason for the beastiality counting like adultery and not like masturbation?

Good question. The extent of my knowledge is from this commentary:

Adultery must be consummated, in the sense that sexual intercourse must take place with a third person. Other sexual acts are insufficient, but they may serve as proof of adultery or constitute a cause for temporary separation. Doctrine usually places sodomy with a third person and bestiality on the same level with adultery because they violate the sexual fidelity of the innocent spouse.

Edited to keep post on topic: The above link to the commentary explains and/or answers many of the other questions that have come up in this thread.

 

[Lexee15]

Anna's Mom:

I’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s affairs. I know first hand how much this hurts. Have you confronted your husband on this matter?? what does he say??

Thank you, I’ve been following your posts and I didn’t see anything about adultry, have you found out something recently? I did confront him back in August when I first found out about three of his girlfriends…he left the house then came back apologized and said he wanted to save his family and his marriage. I forgave him for all of our sakes and I wanted to keep my family together also, like most women I was blaming myself to some degree so, in the off chance that I was partially responsible I wanted to give it a chance…that’s when I became pregnant…I really thought he was going to make a change. He didn’t, and just recently have found out that he’s still seeing some of the same women plus some new ones, he even has one in LA. He doesn’t know I know about these other women, I have not confronted him with this recent info. the reason being is that I need time to get all my info in place and when I do let him know about this it will be also the time I will be asking him to leave.

I’m here if you ever want to talk…
Congrats on tour pregnancy. Even though you may be suffering from a broken heart, at least you will recieve a beautiful baby!!!

Thank you so much, and I am very happy about my child, and my broken heart will heal, our Lord suffered so much more, I know that with His guidance I will endure this test.