Non-Catholic Couple Seeking Annulment - Questions

[DDClark]

I apologize for the length of this post. I am not Catholic, but am seriously considering beginning the conversion process. In my reading, I’ve learned that my husband must have his first marriage annulled before I could convert.

I’ve read many threads on Catholic Answers about annulment, and many posters are advised to speak to their pastor. As I don’t have one (I’ve not started any classes), is it okay to contact the pastor of the parish I would be attending anyway?

Are their books that anyone would recommend to guide us through the process?

Would our application for annulment (as non-Catholics) be given the same attention as a Catholic one?

My husband is willing to seek annulment (even if we do not convert to Catholicism). He is also open to the Catholic church (we left our Baptist faith, and have been seeking for several years - attending Methodist churches currently).

My husband and I were raised Baptist, baptised and married in the Baptist church. We have been married 13.5 years and have no children.

He had doubts about his first marriage before the ceremony (she came from a divorced home with many conflicts, had been in a serious car accident 6 months before the wedding, and he says he felt he needed to take care of her) but did not stop the marriage. They were young (not long out of high-school) and she very much wanted to get away from her family’s home.

Within 6 months of the wedding, she started an affair and became pregnant with the other man’s child. She stated she longer wanted to be married to my husband and wanted to be with the father of her child. (She had been using birth control pills for contraception, but stopped for medical reasons. She stated that she did not want to have sexual relations with my husband because she did not want to become pregnant, and this is how he knew the pregnancy was a result of an affair). They were married less than a year, together as man and wife for 3-4 months.

He were taught (and I am not saying that this is correct or a standard Baptist teaching) that divorce was permissible if adultery was involved. He was granted a civil divorce. She married (the affair partner) immediately after the divorce was final. It is our understanding that she is now married for the 4th time.

I now know that the Catholic church considers my marriage invalid. We believed that because she committed adultery, our marriage was permissible, and we were both ignorant of the teachings of the Catholic church.

At this time, I have to pray that an annulment will be granted, understanding that it may not be granted.

Thank you for any advise or comments. I also apologize for any information that was incorrect to post.

 

[stbruno]

My suggestion is to put into your search in this forum, all the info related to annulments.
Also here is a link from our diocese.
familyministries.org/annulment_support.htm

 

[lizaanne]

I VERY strongly getting THIS book - **Annulment: The Wedding That Was : How the Church Can Declare a Marriage Null **

---

I think this is the best book out there for answering every question regarding the process - I found it invaluable, and many here have as well.

~Liza

 

[1ke]

Yes, you can contact the parish priest even if you have not formally begun RCIA. It never hurts to talk to him and tell him of your interest in converting and your marriage situation. He may refer you for some preliminaries to the person who handles RCIA but he will be involved as you progress in your marriage investigation.

The Michael Smith Foster book Liza posted is excellent and you should get a copy and read it together.

Yes, the Tribunal will hear your case and will treat it with the same care as any other case. It does sound like he has some sound grounds for the Tribunal to consider, although nothing is guaranteed.

 

[msugeotech]

I was in the same situation your husband was in. My first wife and I were married for only 2 months before she committed adultery and left me. I remarried about nine years ago. We decided to become Catholic just before our first child was born in October 2006. I learned then about the annulment process as well. I filed for my annulment in February 2007, and I am still waiting for it to be finalized. I did receive an affirmative decision in November, and it is being reviewed now by the Appellate Tribunal of my diocese.

Adultery alone is not enough to invalidate a marriage according to Church law as I’ve learned; however, it does point to a serious lack of commitment on her part. You DO need to talk to your priest (or who will be your priest at your parish) to begin the process. After discussing your case with him, he will advise you on how to pursue your annulment. More than likely, you’ll retain him as your ADVOCATE for your case, which you should. In layman’s terms, he will act as the “prosecutor” for your case. Keep in mind that the annulment process is lengthly (usually about a year, but could vary either way), and a lot of the process is dependent on the timely response of witnesses that you will ask to help make your case. Patience and prayer are crucial throughout this process.

For some information, I found helpful material on the Archdiocese of Mobile’s website under Metropolitan Tribunal - FAQ and the Forms sections.

mobilearchdiocese.org/pages/select.cfm

By the way, my wife and I were both Baptist before our conversion, and all of the 15 candidates that were in our RCIA group were Baptist as well.

Hope some of this helps, and I pray for your case and your conversion.

In Christ,
Shane

 

[DDClark]

Thank you everyone, so much, for the time and helpful advice.

I will be ordering book tomorrow as well as exploring the websites and making contacts.

Thanks again ~

ddc

 

[DDClark]

I was in the same situation your husband was in. My first wife and I were married for only 2 months before she committed adultery and left me. I remarried about nine years ago. We decided to become Catholic just before our first child was born in October 2006. I learned then about the annulment process as well. I filed for my annulment in February 2007, and I am still waiting for it to be finalized. I did receive an affirmative decision in November, and it is being reviewed now by the Appellate Tribunal of my diocese.

Adultery alone is not enough to invalidate a marriage according to Church law as I’ve learned; however, it does point to a serious lack of commitment on her part. You DO need to talk to your priest (or who will be your priest at your parish) to begin the process. After discussing your case with him, he will advise you on how to pursue your annulment. More than likely, you’ll retain him as your ADVOCATE for your case, which you should. In layman’s terms, he will act as the “prosecutor” for your case. Keep in mind that the annulment process is lengthly (usually about a year, but could vary either way), and a lot of the process is dependent on the timely response of witnesses that you will ask to help make your case. Patience and prayer are crucial throughout this process.

For some information, I found helpful material on the Archdiocese of Mobile’s website under Metropolitan Tribunal - FAQ and the Forms sections.

mobilearchdiocese.org/pages/select.cfm

By the way, my wife and I were both Baptist before our conversion, and all of the 15 candidates that were in our RCIA group were Baptist as well.

Hope some of this helps, and I pray for your case and your conversion.

In Christ,
Shane

Thank you for your kind reply and personal story. I think it always helps to know that we aren’t alone in our struggles in life. Of course we are never really alone (God is with us).

I see you are also in the south (I am in Georgia) and former Baptist too! The search for truth has led me to a place I never expected - the Catholic Church.

When I became aware of the need for annulment, I also became aware of the length of time a decision could take (I think the Atlanta diocese website says 16 months average).

I would like to ask another question. Does it make sense to begin classes without the annulment? Would I be considered odd to do so, not knowing the outcome? Or perhaps it’s more common than I think.

Part of me says yes … and clearly you did, as you and your wife have been confirmed (if I understood correctly).

Thank you for your prayers as well. I know I will need them.

ddc

 

[thistle]

I apologize for the length of this post. I am not Catholic, but am seriously considering beginning the conversion process. In my reading, I’ve learned that my husband must have his first marriage annulled before I could convert.

I’ve read many threads on Catholic Answers about annulment, and many posters are advised to speak to their pastor. As I don’t have one (I’ve not started any classes), is it okay to contact the pastor of the parish I would be attending anyway?

Are their books that anyone would recommend to guide us through the process?

Would our application for annulment (as non-Catholics) be given the same attention as a Catholic one?

My husband is willing to seek annulment (even if we do not convert to Catholicism). He is also open to the Catholic church (we left our Baptist faith, and have been seeking for several years - attending Methodist churches currently).

My husband and I were raised Baptist, baptised and married in the Baptist church. We have been married 13.5 years and have no children.

He had doubts about his first marriage before the ceremony (she came from a divorced home with many conflicts, had been in a serious car accident 6 months before the wedding, and he says he felt he needed to take care of her) but did not stop the marriage. They were young (not long out of high-school) and she very much wanted to get away from her family’s home.

Within 6 months of the wedding, she started an affair and became pregnant with the other man’s child. She stated she longer wanted to be married to my husband and wanted to be with the father of her child. (She had been using birth control pills for contraception, but stopped for medical reasons. She stated that she did not want to have sexual relations with my husband because she did not want to become pregnant, and this is how he knew the pregnancy was a result of an affair). They were married less than a year, together as man and wife for 3-4 months.

He were taught (and I am not saying that this is correct or a standard Baptist teaching) that divorce was permissible if adultery was involved. He was granted a civil divorce. She married (the affair partner) immediately after the divorce was final. It is our understanding that she is now married for the 4th time.

I now know that the Catholic church considers my marriage invalid. We believed that because she committed adultery, our marriage was permissible, and we were both ignorant of the teachings of the Catholic church.

At this time, I have to pray that an annulment will be granted, understanding that it may not be granted.

Thank you for any advise or comments. I also apologize for any information that was incorrect to post.

Please remember though that nothing that happens after the marriage took place is relevent. An annulment is based only on the situation before and up to the marriage ceremony.

 

[msugeotech]

I am in Mississippi, so I’m not too far away! We have not been confirmed yet. After the tribunal reaches a decision, you are notified of that decision. Then your case automatically goes to the appellate tribunal of your diocese for a second review. In my case, Mobile is our appellate tribunal. The appellate tribunal will either agree with the decision of the first court, or it will open a new case. My case is still in second instance (review).

As far as RCIA goes, if I had to do it again, I probably would NOT go through RCIA until my annulment had come through. It was tough not being able to come into the Church at the Easter Vigil. To compare - it’s almost like taking the same classes as all your classmates at school, but not being able to graduate with them, if that makes sense. However, I would be willing to bet you wouldn’t be the only one in RCIA who is needing an annulment, so I wouldn’t discourage you from going as long as you understand you won’t be confirmed at Easter. Again, talk to your priest as well as the RCIA coordinator at your parish to see what they think.

In Christ,
Shane

 

[cameron_lansing]

Please remember though that nothing that happens after the marriage took place is relevent. An annulment is based only on the situation before and up to the marriage ceremony.

Rotal jurisprudence, depending on the precise ground and facts in a case, does attach a certain amount of weight to circumstances subsequent to the exchange of consent (i.e. given at the marriage ceremony), when they shed light on that consent. See canons 1536 §2 and 1679. However, this is quite different from saying that something that happens after the exchange of consent can be a basis for the invalidity of marriage. That cannot be.

So petitioners, respondents and witnesses should be as complete as possible and not feel they must limit their testimony in some way. Let the tribunal ask the questions and sort things out.

 

[lizaanne]

Does it make sense to begin classes without the annulment? Would I be considered odd to do so, not knowing the outcome?

Still continue with your classes. Let me ask you this question - if you are not granted a Declaration of Nullity (the proper name of an “annulment”), would that mean that you would not become Catholic? Said another way - would you turn away from what you now understand to be the Truth just because you are not granted a Declaration of Nullity?

Keep taking classes. You still need your Faith - no matter what direction this all takes.



~Liza

 

[DDClark]

Still continue with your classes. Let me ask you this question - if you are not granted a Declaration of Nullity (the proper name of an “annulment”), would that mean that you would not become Catholic? Said another way - would you turn away from what you now understand to be the Truth just because you are not granted a Declaration of Nullity?

Keep taking classes. You still need your Faith - no matter what direction this all takes.



~Liza

Thank you for asking this question. It and some other new issues have made me re-think. I’ll answer your question as honestly as I can. The answer is a lot longer than I expected it to be.

I stated earlier that I am seriously considering conversion, which means that I’m not yet at the point of making the decision (even before discovering the need for annulment).

You mentioned turning away from what I now know to be the Truth, but before the annulment question arose, I had not reached that point - that point of knowing the Truth, and I still haven’t. I know that what I was raised to believe (once saved, always saved; scripture used to teach Truth out of context, etc) is not what I believe now . I believe that without that Christian upbringing and God’s grace that I wouldn’t be seeking Truth.

Maybe I was wrong to say I was seriously considering, but instead, considering … this is all very hard.

My understanding is that participation in classes would be part of that process of learning and deciding - at least for me. I haven’t yet started classes, so I wouldn’t be stopping.

We believed when we married that we were not breaking God’s law (the concept of the Catholic church and it’s teaching was never considered as we were Baptist). Being Baptist, we believed that scripture said that Jesus forbid divorce, except in cases of sexual immorality (Matt 5:32 NIV).

It is my understanding that even though we now understand the teaching of the Catholic church on openness to life, my husband would not be expected to have his vasectomy reversed (my understanding may be wrong) to convert. I understand that this is a different situation and different criteria are used to make decisions about such things. My only point is that I believed my marriage was made before God and church (the Baptist church) without any knowledge of Catholic teaching. We met with the pastor who married us several times, discussed everything openly and were never advised not to marry.

If my husband did not receive a Declaration of Nullity, I would not be able to join the church unless we separated. I am not willing to separate from my husband (not church recognized, I understand, but to me he is very much my husband).

If I had to separate from my husband in order to become Catholic, no, I wouldn’t convert.

 

[lizaanne]

If I had to separate from my husband in order to become Catholic, no, I wouldn’t convert.

You certainly do have a lot to think about - and I will keep you in my prayers.

There are a zillion things I could say - I could respond to every section of your post, but I think you know what you are facing here. You need to decide what your priorities are. If you decide that you believe that what the Catholic Church teaches IS God’s law, then you have some serious decisions to make.

You also need to think about eternity. It’s a very long time. To knowingly stay in a sinful situation puts yours and your husband’s souls in jeopardy. That is more serious than I can imagine.

Then again - the previous marriage may in fact be invalid, in which case that opens a new set of things to think about.

But I say again - could you walk away from Truth for anything? Even this man you love? If we Catholics are right - you stand the chance of loosing everything if you walk away. Eternity is a very very long time.

I’m sorry you are in this situation - it can’t be easy.

~Liza

 

[puzzleannie]

OP’s pastor for this purpose is the pastor of the parish where she will be considering RCIA. the issue has of her marriage has to be resolved before she can receive the sacraments. the pastoral issues involved, including those that may be matter for confession for a Catholic, should also be discussed with this priest. this forum is not adequate to either task.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

As an RCIA team member, I would suggest both beginning the annulment process now since it can take a long time and beginning RCIA the next time the inquiry part begins in a parish near you. The inquiry period should be when you can ask all the questions you have on your mind. Unfortunately, sometimes the catechumens (those who are unbaptized) and the candidates are in the same group and you end up sitting through a lot of basic info you probably already know. But look into it anyway.

 

[DDClark]

OP’s pastor for this purpose is the pastor of the parish where she will be considering RCIA. the issue has of her marriage has to be resolved before she can receive the sacraments. the pastoral issues involved, including those that may be matter for confession for a Catholic, should also be discussed with this priest. this forum is not adequate to either task.

Thank you, everyone for your responses. I am considering everything presented to me.

I agree, puzzleannie, that the forum isn’t adequate to either task, and I should talk with the local priest/pastor if I decide to move forward.

Thank you again ~

ddc

 

[DDClark]

You certainly do have a lot to think about - and I will keep you in my prayers.

There are a zillion things I could say - I could respond to every section of your post, but I think you know what you are facing here. You need to decide what your priorities are. If you decide that you believe that what the Catholic Church teaches IS God’s law, then you have some serious decisions to make.

You also need to think about eternity. It’s a very long time. To knowingly stay in a sinful situation puts yours and your husband’s souls in jeopardy. That is more serious than I can imagine.

Then again - the previous marriage may in fact be invalid, in which case that opens a new set of things to think about.

But I say again - could you walk away from Truth for anything? Even this man you love? If we Catholics are right - you stand the chance of loosing everything if you walk away. Eternity is a very very long time.

I’m sorry you are in this situation - it can’t be easy.

~Liza

Thank you Liza. You are right that I do understand the situation.

Asking the original question was a good thing, and I appreciate it. I also appreciate your gentle but honest response.

Yes, I have serious things to think about. And I am grateful for your prayers.

ddc