Non-catholic couple, spouse is pursuing Catholicism

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Hi, new to the forum and am sincerely hoping for help with my situation. Not a Catholic, but not anti-Catholic.

I often tell people that if you ask a roofer what does my house need, they will recommend a roof. So as I ask questions here I am hopeful for well rounded responses and not “just become Catholic”…

My wife and I were brought up in the Protestant tradition (as diverse as that can be) and now face a growth opportunity in our marriage of 21 years.

For some time now, my wife iss strongly desiring to no longer attend Protestant church with me and the kids as she has issues with the belief system. First it was a few questions, then it was communion, now it’s not wanting to be there at all. She wants to take the RCIA path and launch a separate pursuit in her life. Our kids are teenagers and not altogether owning their faith in an expressed manner.

I believe that we are both living Christian lives and that we love each other deeply.

Have any of you experienced this and found balance relationally with one Protestant and one Catholic in the marriage? I believe God will see us through this, but the human in me is scared and I am at a loss as how to proceed.

Thanks for the consideration.
 
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Well, I don’t see anything wrong with becoming Catholic. That is to say, I wouldn’t ever caution someone to not become Catholic. There’s nothing to fear. So, I’m not sure what exactly your concern is.

I also wouldn’t say that your wife should become Catholic. I mean, it’s her choice.

Are you worried about the effects it will have on your kids?..on your relationships with friends at your church?

There are plenty of forum members here who are a Catholic/non-Catholic couple. I’m sure some of them will chime in.
 
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Thanks for the response. My concerns are that we will not be worshiping together and that may leave one or more of our kids wondering why.

I also am concerned with extended family responses as well as friends. One can question how much of a friend one truly is if this type of change triggers a negative response… it is much less palatable to navigate the negative responses of family members.

An altruist would say that maybe that negative response would trigger deeper consideration of their faith that would result in a softening of their position. Back here in reality, a real concern of mine is whether or not certain family members will shut down relationships with me or us altogether once they learn of this new trajectory.

I say that also believing that all are intrinsically valuable and I can not discount any of them in my life. God made us family, I am hoping that He will keep us together.
 
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OP, I would be more concerned if your wife was abandoning her faith altogether. Instead, she is shifting it away from what she believed, to Catholicism.

It is no one’s business how you and your wife live and reconcile your differences in faith matters. As long as you are willing to be tolerant of her changes and growth, no one else, family or friends, matter.

As teenagers, you will not be able to force them to follow yours or your wife’s beliefs, so for now, be happy they are still attending, even if it is without enthusiasm. They may wonder why you and your wife do not worship together, so just be honest about it. They will make up their own minds as we all have.

Bless you for trying to find answers and hear of other people’s experiences in order to help your marriage.
 
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Thank you for this response. I agree on your point about her faith. I know she is sincerely pursuing God, it’s one of the things that brought us together so long ago.

I understand that we get to sort things out and have many times appreciated that we are the only voting members in our marriage (with God’s guidance), but I struggle with the no one else matters part…

I also appreciate your point regarding the kids, well stated.
 
What I mean by no one else matters is that it is none of their business any more than anything else that goes on in your marriage. It is between you and your wife. No one should be asking you why or what you think etc.
 
My husband and I did fine with one Protestant and one Catholic in the marriage, but it was a different situation since he was a Protestant and I was a Catholic from our cradles, rather than one party converting after 20 years of marriage. Also, in our case, we didn’t have any family members who were seriously bothered by our religious differences, much less threatening to cut us off over them.

I think maybe the book that 1ke recommended would be a better resource for you as it deals specifically with the situation of one spouse converting, which is different from those of us whose marriage has been mixed from the beginning.
 
Being married introduces you to a strange, wonderful life, that without her you would have never known.

Husband to husband… do not let her do this alone!
 
Hi,

I think that your wife is interested in pursuing Catholicism now can (and not before) be a “lesser evil” for your marriage given that your children are teenagers and don’t belong to their parents for their faith formation, and that you seems opened to it.

You don’t have anything particular to do. If you want to understand in what she is going or what she is now believed you can followed her in RCIA without finally converting.

Both your beliefs and marriage dynamics might be shaken in the next few years, I pray that your marriage will survived through this.
 
Are you against going to RCIA classes with her. You don’t have to convert.
You can gain some education about the “Catholic Faith” which in my opinion is a good thing considering your wife might change faiths. My wife and I were considering changing faiths from being Catholic. For us in the end it was we needed to change parishes. Important thing is that you both have an open mind and grow in your faith together.
 
OK…my $0.02. I’m in a mixed-marriage, have been for over 16 years. It’s going to be a lot different for us since we entered into the marriage knowing we were of “different” religions and knew that we could respect our differences. Our relationship circumstances are going to be a bit different from yours. I always say that the biggest thing in a “mixed” marriage is mutual respect for each others background. If you don’t have that, the relationship will struggle.
Notorious said:
now it’s not wanting to be there at all.
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If this means that she won’t attend church with you, that would be a red flag for me.
Notorious said:
Have any of you experienced this and found balance relationally with one Protestant and one Catholic in the marriage?
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My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years, married 16 and have 3 kids.
1Lord1Faith said:
So, I’m not sure what exactly your concern is.
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My guess, the potential of a split in the relationship and not knowing what to expect.
Notorious said:
My concerns are that we will not be worshiping together
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So, your wife is going to refuse to go to church with you. If that is so, like I said…red flag.

LIke I said, it’s going to come down to a mutual respect for each others faith. If either of you don’t have that, it’ll be a struggle. I know that we could not worship separately.

I’m interested in hearing about the book.
 
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TC3033, in your mixed marriage do you both attend both services together?

I hope to get the book this week will give it a read and provide my feedback. Thank you for adding your proverbial two cents!
 
I was in your wife’s position.

My husband and I were Protestant. I decided I had to become Catholic after years of consideration. I went through RCIA and became Catholic while my husband remains Protestant to this day.

Just like your wife. I knew when I decided to follow my conscience that I could not force my family to join with me. We started out with my going to the first available mass and them joining the family for a Protestant church service. That did not last long. Firstly, it was exhausting, and my husband could see that. Secondly, my husband decided he didn’t mind attending mass. So, we all attend mass together as a family with the understanding that my husband may go to a Protestant service as he see fit and if he wants us all to go we will.

There were some difficult conversations along the way. Just be open and honest but respectful about it, and you both will find your way.
 
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I converted, my Husband did not, I do not hold it against him, nor would I ever, I do pray he will Convert to catholic from Baptist but I love him enough to stand by his decision like he stood behind mine when I left the Baptist faith…It does not change my Love for him…
 
Absolutely.

To be fair. I moved for her and never “latched” onto a church here (although we’re looking at options), so I pretty much just got to Mass with her and the kids.

But on a holiday (going someplace where I can receive is big on Easter), when I want to attend a church of my denomination, or when we go to my hometown her and the kids 100% will go with me. I’ve only gone to the local non-denominational church once without them.
 
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I think you can balance this in a strong marriage. The values, beliefs and ideas you share that are important are what are the foundation for your marriage. I would strongly recommend you NOT become Catholic “just to be Catholic”…most priests don’t allow for that. My husband, for example, is a convert and the priest made very sure he wasn’t converting to marry me in the RC church. (which, as a baptized Chrisitian, we still could have done.). As your kids are older, you won’t face the hurdle of what religion to raise them in. Find other common ground besides church attendance and learn all you can about Catholicism, maybe attend a Mass or two or talk to the pastor to get an idea about her new belief system.
 
I’ve read a portion of the book thus far. I want to give consideration to each example given. The first one I read very closely reflects my experience. The wife is approaching her desire to convert from a logical, theological perspective which seems to offer little regard for relationship. Not that those things are exclusive, but in the context of our marriage it seemed that way. Where we diverge from the story is that she actually demonstrates great charity by realizing my reaction was centered around our relationship. Feeling betrayed, confused “what did I do wrong” etc…

After completing that one story I am much more open to her conversion, not fully onboard, but much more open. I think this is the case because the story helped me see just how much she does love me in the way that she is approaching her conversion.

One interviewee is asked whether or not struggling through a “mixed marriage” puts one closer to God by giving them the experience of the suffering of Jesus in his broken body and the broken Church. Their response is telling.
“ To be in a marriage - to be in any marriage - is to experience the suffering of Christ.”
 
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