Non-Catholic Girlfriend

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nic_nac

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Hello,

I’m eighteen years old and a lifelong practicing Catholic. I was raised in a very Catholic family and am stable in my faith.

I have a girlfriend of four months who is not religious. She claims to believe in God, but has little knowledge of the faith otherwise. Obviously this is a difficult situation for me in many respects: first, she doesn’t understand why I want to abstain from sex until marriage – while she does value the unifying bonds that are formed through sex and claims she only wants to share the experience with me, she doesn’t quite grasp the concept of deferring the act until marriage.

She is also taking the relationship very seriously, and wants to continue dating through college. However, she needs to understand that, if it comes to it, I won’t be able to justify committing myself to marriage with a woman who doesn’t share my faith. I can’t imagine living my life with a partner who doesn’t share my faith or beliefs, or raising a family under the care of parents with conflicting or fragmented views.

Having mentioned my previous concerns, it is important to note that this girl means very much to me. I love her and would hate to lose her, and yet my convictions and my faith must be observed. How do I maintain both? I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice as to how I can maintain a chaste, respectful relationship with this girl, all the while attempting to bring her closer to God and my faith.

Thank you!
 
I married a person of no faith. Since I was raised with no faith and converted when I was about 21 years old I figured that since I knew all about having no faith it would be ok. I was very wrong. I would advise you to discontinue the relationship. I’m not trying to be cynical or anything like that but it’s just a fact that if you are trying to live life as a true disciple, there is just no reason in the world to be with someone who isn’t. I had to learn that the hard way.

The only thing that you can have in common with her are worldly things. Those are the things you are trying to get away from as a disciple of Christ. As you continue to go deeper into the relationship you will inevitably put more of your emphasis on worldly things in order to have more things in common with her and this can do you no good at all. Not to mention the fact that since she does not feel there is anything wrong with pre marital sex, this will be a great temptation to you.

You said that you feel you can’t commit to her since she is not a believer, so you are just wasting time and you are not being fair to her at all.
 
I wouldn’t say to break it off just yet. Can you see marrying her? Can you see raising a family with her and being happy doing so? If so, put a hold on starting up the break-up train and think for a moment.

Yes, it is very difficult being married to a woman with a different faith, especially if she doesn’t understand why you want to save your sexuality for marriage. However, that in itself is promising: Not understanding why and taking offense and having it be a deal-breaker are two very, very different things. Sometimes God calls people of faith to marry people with a different faith or no faith at all and convert that person. My father was converted because he married my mom, and it’s the same story for my in-laws. That being said, I also know of great marriages where the spouses have different faiths and did not convert, but still work wonderfully. My friend’s parents are one such marriage. Her mother is a devout Catholic, her father is a Presbyterian. They have been married since 1980, and although her mother has not been successful in converting him yet, the marriage still works out well. Keep in mind that although there are some marriages that didn’t last due to differing religions, it is foolish to just break up without giving it discernment, especially if the other person is not particularly hostile, but just doesn’t understand. My advice: Help her to understand. When things get more serious and you are thinking about marriage, tell her that your children must be raised Catholic. If this does not go well with her and you can’t convince her, then it won’t work. But if she has no problem with it and you love her and are called to marry her, who are you to say no to God’s will?

Finally, talk to a good Priest. Priests have so much experience with marriages and helping them. Some don’t like the thought because they think “He’s not married, how can he possibly know anything about this?” One Priest that counsels couples said to such a person “You have experience in your marriage; I have experienced in hundreds of marriages.”
 
My heart truly goes out to you nic_nac, I was in your very same shoes during my sophomore year of college. I had just recently rediscovered the Catholic faith after drifting away during my teenage years.

At that time I met and started dating a girl who was nominally Buddhist (she was vietnamese). Just like in your situation she couldn’t understand my desire to abstain from sex until after I was married. I wouldn’t say she was overly hostile about it, but she just didn’t think it was necessary. And like you she really felt that it was something that would bring us closer together.

The longer we dated, the further things went. It’s very difficult to maintain boundaries if you aren’t both on the same page. And speaking from experience, it’s just really difficult as a guy in these kinds of situations to maintain boundaries when you know for a fact that the girl wouldn’t at all mind if you push things further. Long story short, eventually she won out. We slept together and it destroyed our relationship. We tired off and on again for years after that to salvage the relationship. She even converted to Catholicism later (Not just because of me, of course she had other, more profound and personal reasons then just our difficulties) but even then we still couldn’t make it work.

In all honesty, I think you really ought to give some thought to ending the relationship. Its true, as others have pointed out, that being of different faiths or even no faith is not necessarily a deal breaker in a relationship. But I think those kinds of relationships are truly very rare.

And please understand, I am not at all trying to be callous or unsympathetic to your feelings for this girl, I’m sure she’s very special to you. But in all honesty there are plenty of good Catholic girls out there who’d likely give their right arm to find a decent guy your age who’s this concerned about chastity and avoiding sex until marriage.

These are truly powerful temptations you’ll be facing here, and I’d venture to say that it will be close to impossible for you to avoid them unless your with a girl who’s equally committed to avoiding sex until marriage. And even then, it will still be difficult.

Whatever you decide though, I pray that keep your focus where you seem to be already, concerned with living a good life in accordance with the teachings of Our Lord.

God Bless,
 
You’re in a hard situation. You are 18 and have only been dating her for four months. You obviously are in no position to marry her as you both need to finish your education and get jobs to support yourselves. I’m assuming you see her daily on campus. The temptations presenting themselves now will be increased over the next four years. If you should become intimate, do you want her as the mother of your child? What’s her feelings about being a mom now? How would she handle it? What’s her feelings about abortion? Have you met her family? Spent any time with them?
 
👍 I agree with this post - you should definitely take these words under advisement.
ATeutonicKnight said:
I wouldn’t say to break it off just yet. Can you see marrying her? Can you see raising a family with her and being happy doing so? If so, put a hold on starting up the break-up train and think for a moment.

Yes, it is very difficult being married to a woman with a different faith, especially if she doesn’t understand why you want to save your sexuality for marriage. However, that in itself is promising: Not understanding why and taking offense and having it be a deal-breaker are two very, very different things. Sometimes God calls people of faith to marry people with a different faith or no faith at all and convert that person. My father was converted because he married my mom, and it’s the same story for my in-laws. That being said, I also know of great marriages where the spouses have different faiths and did not convert, but still work wonderfully. My friend’s parents are one such marriage. Her mother is a devout Catholic, her father is a Presbyterian. They have been married since 1980, and although her mother has not been successful in converting him yet, the marriage still works out well. Keep in mind that although there are some marriages that didn’t last due to differing religions, it is foolish to just break up without giving it discernment, especially if the other person is not particularly hostile, but just doesn’t understand. My advice: Help her to understand. When things get more serious and you are thinking about marriage, tell her that your children must be raised Catholic. If this does not go well with her and you can’t convince her, then it won’t work. But if she has no problem with it and you love her and are called to marry her, who are you to say no to God’s will?

Finally, talk to a good Priest. Priests have so much experience with marriages and helping them. Some don’t like the thought because they think “He’s not married, how can he possibly know anything about this?” One Priest that counsels couples said to such a person “You have experience in your marriage; I have experienced in hundreds of marriages.”
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This and other situations are unique. Each situations are for itself.

Its best to speak wit your spiritual companion (leader).:cool:

Good luck! :))
 
It is really unfair of you to hold this girl hostage to conversion and continue a relationship with her knowing you cannot and will not consider marriage with a non-Catholic.

I am glad that you see the importance of sharing a devout Catholic with the person you will marry and raise a family with.

I am sorry that you started a relationship with a person who clearly could not fulfill that vision and goal, and became emotionally attached to her. You need to break it off before (a) you become so attached you are willing to chuck your religion overboard in the name of “luv” or (b) she is so attached she agrees to convert when her heart is not in it.

Her conversion, if it happens, is an act of the Holy Spirit, not you. You cannot be in a position to have coercive influence over her (even at the unconscious level) if you want her to have a genuine conversion of heart.
 
Hey, Nic_nac, I’ve been in your situation and I’m still healing from it. Heck, it was six years ago and it still hurts. Anyway, as painful as it is, you need to take a sober look at the situation, especially in future terms. You’ve got that somewhat covered:
I can’t imagine living my life with a partner who doesn’t share my faith or beliefs, or raising a family under the care of parents with conflicting or fragmented views.
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Living is one thing and perhaps with some pain and sacrifice you could survive it. But a Catholic does need to do his best to bring up the children in the Catholic faith. Which obviously means staying true to the faith as opposed to feeding the children with diluted, compromise versions. In short, you can’t develop a hybrid faith for your children. In line with your own observations, even if your eventual wife agreed to let you teach the children only the Catholic faith and its tenets, she would be unable to be teaching them that which she disagrees with. She could feel rejected, contempted, marginalised and more, in being unable to pass her values or a significant portion to them to her children or in being excluded from large parts of the formative aspects of upbringing. There would also be the problem of example, as well as the problem of her being unable to explain some things arising from premises that she doesn’t herself accept when the children ask her. There would be also the, “why does mummy (not) do this or that.” And there’s the whole problem with NFP or birth control, let alone when it comes to a potential adolescent daughter making decisions about “her own body”.

The above is essentially what made my closest ever to a fiancée walk away. Well, there were other things but this is what surfaced the most. Such things are easy to ignore when you’re freshly in love but much less so when you need to think about the future and can’t defer it any more. And keeping the relationship for the time being, time after time, only defers the choice, unless she actually does consider adopting the faith or at least seems receptive to it. If she is adamant about never converting, you may have to let her go. Obviously you can’t give her the comfort of thinking that you yourself might relent when you know you won’t.
Having mentioned my previous concerns, it is important to note that this girl means very much to me. I love her and would hate to lose her, and yet my convictions and my faith must be observed. How do I maintain both? I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice as to how I can maintain a chaste, respectful relationship with this girl, all the while attempting to bring her closer to God and my faith.
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You may be unable to keep both and as painful as it is to give up a loving girl, you may have to, and faith comes first. The right thing to do is sometimes not an easy thing to do.
 
nic_nac said:
Hello,

I’m eighteen years old and a lifelong practicing Catholic. I was raised in a very Catholic family and am stable in my faith.
**
I have a girlfriend of four months who is not religious**. She claims to believe in God, but has little knowledge of the faith otherwise. Obviously this is a difficult situation for me in many respects: first, she doesn’t understand why I want to abstain from sex until marriage – while she does value the unifying bonds that are formed through sex and claims she only wants to share the experience with me, she doesn’t quite grasp the concept of deferring the act until marriage.

She is also taking the relationship very seriously, and wants to continue dating through college. However, she needs to understand that, if it comes to it, I won’t be able to justify committing myself to marriage with a woman who doesn’t share my faith. I can’t imagine living my life with a partner who doesn’t share my faith or beliefs, or raising a family under the care of parents with conflicting or fragmented views.

Having mentioned my previous concerns, it is important to note that this girl means very much to me. I love her and would hate to lose her, and yet my convictions and my faith must be observed. How do I maintain both? I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice as to how I can maintain a chaste, respectful relationship with this girl, all the while attempting to bring her closer to God and my faith.

Thank you!
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I hope you don’t take my blunt words as being rude or uncharitable.

#1 - Don’t date non-Catholics. It leads to these kinds of dilemmas.

#2 - You’ve been dating for 4 months. Don’t use the word love at this point. Certainly not in the context of, “I love her and would hate to lose her.” Otherwise you are shackling yourself to a young lady who is not a good match for you. Really horrible marriages start out this way.

#3 - From your last statement, it almost sounds as if you feel responsible for her conversion. That’s sometimes called, “missionary dating,” and it’s a very bad idea. It’s not your job to bring her to any faith including the Catholic faith. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job and He does it in His own time and manner.

#4 - At 18, I do not believe in one-on-one dating because I think true dating should wait until the person is discerning marriage. You certainly aren’t discerning marriage at this point, so heavy dating just gets the wrong emotions all charged up.

#5 - Do it kindly, but break up with her now. It’s really the best thing for her and for you. And then, take a break from dating and concentrate on your impending college career. And please, don’t date any more non-Catholics.
 
I agree with a some of what was said here but I think Ateutonic also really has a point. However I completely disagree that you are somehow “holding her hostage.” You havent promised to marry her and then spring on her later on that you will only marry a Catholic… At 4 months I think your thinking the matter through well. I have had friends who had parents of differing religions and it was very dificult for them. That said there is theory and then there is practice. Faith is a very important part of your personal conviction so I think an honest conversation about where you are and what you envision, as well as what you will and wont flex on would be very appropriate if your both thinking long term. It may be true that you would have to leave the relationship, because I would never reccommend compromising your faith. Its just never worth it imo. Who know she may be very receptive to that and respect it. But either way I wouldnt go in with the mindset that your going to convert or changer her over time. That imo, is subversive, and quite frankly dishonest. Certainly present a good example and live your faith but dont expect or get married contingent on your hope of her converting, that would be just flat out unfair. And it wouldnt hurt to talk to your priest either. Priests counsel tons of marriages and quite frankly, are probably better at understanding the dificulties and bonuses of your situation from that perspective than most people.
 
Sorry posted this just after RealJuliannes so I didnt see that one. Have to say though I respectfully disagree with all those points except point #3, and some of point #1.
#3 I lived in Utah for almost 20 years and missionary dating is a horrid, manipulative, and imo, sinful practice. Its dishonest, no way around it. Having an honest and realistic knowledge of yourself and what you stand for, as well as being able to communicate that are very important.
#1 Its probably better to date catholics tbh, however in your situation I think a priest would be an excellent person to discuss that with. I am single and if I only looked at catholic women in my age range, intellegence range, etc… I would lead an awfully lonely existence… Now if you decide that you will only be able to marry a catholic woman, then yeah it would be a pretty bad idea to start things… Maybe thats what you should do, but thats really your conscience and God which will decide that.
 
At 18 you are just at the start of your adult life and over the next few years so much will change for you especially after you go to college. It is not a good time to be committing to anything but staying strong in your faith and seeking God’s pan for you and you life. Praying for God to reveal His plan and to send you a mate that will share your faith and commit to a Catholic marriage is what I heartily recommend for you right now. God bless you with a good life.
 
1ke said:
It is really unfair of you to hold this girl hostage to conversion and continue a relationship with her knowing you cannot and will not consider marriage with a non-Catholic.

I am glad that you see the importance of sharing a devout Catholic with the person you will marry and raise a family with.

I am sorry that you started a relationship with a person who clearly could not fulfill that vision and goal, and became emotionally attached to her. You need to break it off before (a) you become so attached you are willing to chuck your religion overboard in the name of “luv” or (b) she is so attached she agrees to convert when her heart is not in it.

Her conversion, if it happens, is an act of the Holy Spirit, not you. You cannot be in a position to have coercive influence over her (even at the unconscious level) if you want her to have a genuine conversion of heart.
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Good advice, and well said.

DGB
 
nic_nac said:
Hello,

I’m eighteen years old and a lifelong practicing Catholic. I was raised in a very Catholic family and am stable in my faith.

I have a girlfriend of four months who is not religious. She claims to believe in God, but has little knowledge of the faith otherwise. Obviously this is a difficult situation for me in many respects: first, she doesn’t understand why I want to abstain from sex until marriage – while she does value the unifying bonds that are formed through sex and claims she only wants to share the experience with me, she doesn’t quite grasp the concept of deferring the act until marriage.

She is also taking the relationship very seriously, and wants to continue dating through college. However, she needs to understand that, if it comes to it, I won’t be able to justify committing myself to marriage with a woman who doesn’t share my faith. I can’t imagine living my life with a partner who doesn’t share my faith or beliefs, or raising a family under the care of parents with conflicting or fragmented views.

Having mentioned my previous concerns, it is important to note that this girl means very much to me. I love her and would hate to lose her, and yet my convictions and my faith must be observed. How do I maintain both? I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice as to how I can maintain a chaste, respectful relationship with this girl, all the while attempting to bring her closer to God and my faith.

Thank you!
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As christians we are supposed to spread the Gospel, that means to evangelize.

**What greater gift could you make your girlfriend than bringing her (closer to) Christ? None.

What person would be more deserving of such a gift than your future wife? Nobody. **

So share your faith with her and bring her into the Church. If she has many questions (which is likely) be sure you have those answers, and more. This will also strenghten your own faith and make youbetter prepared to share it with other people in the future.

It’s a win-win if you have a positive outlook.

Of course, if she is not open to discussing the idea and just refuses Christ totally, I would advice you two to seperate (at least for the time being). Maybe she will change her mind in the future, or maybe you will find someone else, who will be even closer to you. Make it clear to her that you are only interested in a holy marriage inside the Church with a fellow believer, and that her conversion therefore would be required for your relationship to last.
 
Markus2007 said:
As christians we are supposed to spread the Gospel, that means to evangelize.

**What greater gift could you make your girlfriend than bringing her (closer to) Christ? None.

What person would be more deserving of such a gift than your future wife? Nobody. **

So share your faith with her and bring her into the Church. If she has many questions (which is likely) be sure you have those answers, and more. This will also strenghten your own faith and make youbetter prepared to share it with other people in the future.

It’s a win-win if you have a positive outlook.

Of course, if she is not open to discussing the idea and just refuses Christ totally, I would advice you two to seperate (at least for the time being). Maybe she will change her mind in the future, or maybe you will find someone else, who will be even closer to you. Make it clear to her that you are only interested in a holy marriage inside the Church with a fellow believer, and that her conversion therefore would be required for your relationship to last.
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Lots of things wrong with this post, but I will address this last point because it’s probably the worst advice possible.

You don’t set up that kind of condition for someone’s conversion. That’s spiritual extortion. If someone is going to convert, that conversion needs to come about through the Holy Spirit and through their own heart, not in order to keep a relationship that probably shouldn’t have been formed in the first place. That is what is meant by holding her hostage - “If you want a future with me, you’re going to have to convert.” She should run far away from anyone who would say such a thing. If she did convert for that reason, it would set up the wrong conditions.

Evangelizing is not done through dating non-Catholics. This shows how little you know about the process.
 
Any person serious about their religion SHOULD NOT marry someone of a different religion. This is a fundamental issue, and it will be a constant source of tension in the marriage, and it often doesn’t end well. Don’t let hormones and fantasies get in the way of reality.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Lots of things wrong with this post, but I will address this last point because it’s probably the worst advice possible.

You don’t set up that kind of condition for someone’s conversion. That’s spiritual extortion. If someone is going to convert, that conversion needs to come about through the Holy Spirit and through their own heart, not in order to keep a relationship that probably shouldn’t have been formed in the first place. That is what is meant by holding her hostage - “If you want a future with me, you’re going to have to convert.” She should run far away from anyone who would say such a thing. If she did convert for that reason, it would set up the wrong conditions.

Evangelizing is not done through dating non-Catholics. This shows how little you know about the process.
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I disagree, you actually* need* to set up exactly that kind of condition - because it is the truth. If a person says they want to marry a catholic in the Church, than that is what they need to tell their partner or potential partner. There are only two other possibilities, one is lying, the other is ending the relationship right away. The first is sinful and the second might not be the best option since he said he cared very much about her and she means a lot to him (btw that includes him caring for her soul as well). She could (and would anyways, just not as guided) easily get to know the Faith better as they get to know each other better.

(Also, if he were to end the relationship right now just because she isn’t catholic, chances are she would be very hurt and would not even see him as a friend anymore, and certainly not get closer to his religion. Then he’d just tossed a potential marriage and a potential conversion out the window).

Of course you do not evangelize through dating, but that does not mean you cannot evangelize somebody that you are dating anyways. You can evangelize everybody you know who isn’t a disciple of Christ yet. If you honestly think there is ever a situation where you cannot bring somebody closer to Christ who needs it, then I’m sorry but that shows how little you know about our faith period.

Of course I understand that there is a certain danger involved, that in the worst case she make “fake” her conversion (lies about converting without really doing it) or has a “fake conversion” (converting for teh wrong reasons and therefore not really converting at all). But I suppose the two people are close to each other and the OP knows his girlfriend well enough to see if she is sincere about something or not.
TheWarriorMonk said:
Any person serious about their religion SHOULD NOT marry someone of a different religion. This is a fundamental issue, and it will be a constant source of tension in the marriage, and it often doesn’t end well. Don’t let hormones and fantasies get in the way of reality.
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They aren’t married yet, they are dating. That means they are getting to know each other better and are trying to discern if they should eventually marry each other. Just because she is not a catholic now, does not mean she can’t be when they will marry.

For example, somebody might never want to marry a smoker. But if they got to know a person who smokes, but other than that they are very close to, they can convince them to stop smoking through discussing the issue.
 
Markus2007 said:
They aren’t married yet, they are dating. That means they are getting to know each other better and are trying to discern if they should eventually marry each other. Just because she is not a catholic now, does not mean she can’t be when they will marry.

For example, somebody might never want to marry a smoker. But if they got to know a person who smokes, but other than that they are very close to, they can convince them to stop smoking through discussing the issue.
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The problem with the situation is that a fundamental change is required of another person before marriage. Giving up smoking and changing one’s religion are not the same thing. Many people would give up smoking, lose weight, workout, etc. for another person. However, few would simply change their religion for another person…would you?

I’ve married a nonCatholic before and I will not do it again.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
The problem with the situation is that a fundamental change is required of another person before marriage. Giving up smoking and changing one’s religion are not the same thing. Many people would give up smoking, lose weight, workout, etc. for another person. However, few would simply change their religion for another person…would you?

I’ve married a nonCatholic before and I will not do it again.
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That’s the point, she isn’t supposed to change her religion for another person. She is supposed to change her religion because this other person shows her that it is the truth. But I agree that is not an easy situation and maybe is even likely to fail. That still does not mean he has to give up their relationship right away without even trying (and I don’t think he would just because some people on an Internet forum suggest it to him).
 
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