Non catholic grandparents?

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Chemcpherson

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My inlaws are devout non denomination Christians. Their church is most close to pentacostal. My daughter likes to spend time with her Grandparents. They arent anti-catholic but they certainly couldnt teach my daughter about Christ. from a catholic viewpoint.
My biggest concern is mother in law as she is the stereo typical mother in law and loves to do things behind my back (you know candy, soda, etc).
Should I allow my daughter to go to church with them?
Because we are all “in Christ” would it be wrong to limit visits to non Sunday?
 
I don’t think it’s a mother-in-law thing, it’s a grandma thing. Grandparents are meant for Candy and Soda and fast food. I’m sorry, but you have to have a little (or lot) leeway with this. It’s the perk of getting to be a grandparent. I have a tendency to believe that unless they are doing something dangerous or are responsible for full care of a child, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and big cousins should have the right to spoil a child silly. I expect my young nieces and nephews to behave, but I also bring them treats and spoil them far more than I would if they were my own children.

I would let her go if she also goes to Mass and it’s a special occasion…like a potluck or concert. Eventually, she’s going to be curious about the religion of her grandparents, even if they died tomorrow. Letting her into some well-controlled not-so-solmen times where there are other children and grandparents can show off is a great comprimize.
 
peacoat said:
I don’t think it’s a mother-in-law thing, it’s a grandma thing. Grandparents are meant for Candy and Soda and fast food. I’m sorry, but you have to have a little (or lot) leeway with this. It’s the perk of getting to be a grandparent. I have a tendency to believe that unless they are doing something dangerous or are responsible for full care of a child, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and big cousins should have the right to spoil a child silly.
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As a relatively new grand mom, I mostly agree. 👍 However, IMO, religious upbringing is not in the same category as soda and candy.

If you don’t have confidence that MIL will be respectful of your beliefs, I wouldn’t do visits during your Mass time or her church time.
 
Chemcpherson said:
My inlaws are devout non denomination Christians. Their church is most close to pentacostal. My daughter likes to spend time with her Grandparents. They arent anti-catholic but they certainly couldnt teach my daughter about Christ. from a catholic viewpoint.
My biggest concern is mother in law as she is the stereo typical mother in law and loves to do things behind my back (you know candy, soda, etc).
Should I allow my daughter to go to church with them?
Because we are all “in Christ” would it be wrong to limit visits to non Sunday?
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A few things:
  1. You need to set clear boundaries with your in-laws. NO sodas, snacks or food that you don’t approve of. It’s disrespectful to you as a parent. They had their chance to ply children with junk when they had small children. Your kids = your rules. Period. If they can’t understand that, they don’t get to see their grandchildren without you around to supervise.
  2. Whether or not you allow your daughter to go to your in-law’s church depends on, other things, how old your daughter is and how wildly the theology expressed in their services differs from Catholicism. If you choose to allow her to attend their services she should not, of course, take part in them (i.e., no responding to altar calls or receiving bread/wine, etc.).
  3. There’s no reason to limit visiting them to Monday-Saturday unless your schedule already works out that way.
 
I would say it depends too on your daughter’s age and maturity level. Is she 3 or 13?

I was quite sheltered as a child and was absolutely shell-shocked when I went out into the Real World and discovered that not everyone was like my family.

There will come a time–not necessarily a specific age carved in stone, it depends on your daughter’s level of maturity and understanding–when you should have the “We don’t believe this, but some people do” talk with her. If she understands that her grandparent’s religious beliefs are not the same as yours (but that she still needs to be respectful), she will probably be OK attending a church service–and make sure she knows she can come to you afterward with any questions or if she is confused by anything.

Jala
 
You have the right to raise your children how you see fit when it comes to religion, and no one, not even grandparents should interfere. If she does, explain how you want to raise your child and ask her to stop. If she refuses and tries to go behind your back or insists that her way is best then restrict visits and evaluate how much time, if any, your child should spend alone with her.

I will not expose my child to religion when they are young. If anyone, relative or not, tries to undermine that their contact with my child will be severely limited. You have the exact same right and responsibility that I do when it comes to your child’s upbringing, so use it.
 
Chemcpherson said:
My inlaws are devout non denomination Christians. Their church is most close to pentacostal. My daughter likes to spend time with her Grandparents. They arent anti-catholic but they certainly couldnt teach my daughter about Christ. from a catholic viewpoint.
My biggest concern is mother in law as she is the stereo typical mother in law and loves to do things behind my back (you know candy, soda, etc).
Should I allow my daughter to go to church with them?
Because we are all “in Christ” would it be wrong to limit visits to non Sunday?
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I spent every possible weekend and snowday and school holiday with my grandparents who weren’t Catholic. The benefits of my time with them impacted my life in more positive ways than I could iterate!

There may have been a dozen times or less in 18 years that I went to a nondenominational Christian church and missed Sunday Mass. (There was no Catholic Church anywhere near their home, or they would’ve taken me.) And there was lots of choreography to get me to Mass if at all possible - meeting halfway to pick me up before breakfast and again after Mass to drop me off again.

My grandparents never uttered a negative word about Catholicism, never made a single criticism. Every mention was positive. I grew up with the impression that they greatly admired Catholics. They often attended Mass just so I could stay over.

We did have more sweets at Grandma’s than at home. 🙂
 
Chemcpherson said:
My inlaws are devout non denomination Christians. Their church is most close to pentacostal. My daughter likes to spend time with her Grandparents. They arent anti-catholic but they certainly couldnt teach my daughter about Christ. from a catholic viewpoint.
My biggest concern is mother in law as she is the stereo typical mother in law and loves to do things behind my back (you know candy, soda, etc).
Should I allow my daughter to go to church with them?
Because we are all “in Christ” would it be wrong to limit visits to non Sunday?
Click to expand...
Forget about the mother in law / grandparent factor. I wouldn’t have my children to attend the religious services of another faith at all. I might make an exception for a wedding or a funeral, as long as I was there with them, but otherwise, no. So no, I wouldn’t let Grandma take the child to church, even if Grandma was the most upfront respectful of my ways person in the world.

So when you say, “limit visits” are you talking about overnights with Grandma without you? Yeah, I would avoid those if it would result in my child’s attendance at another church. If you don’t even trust her to be honest about whether or not she would take your child to church (ie. if she’ll tell you she won’t, but you suspect she will anyway), then I would consider limiting overnight visits altogether, because that level of sneaky is very serious and indicative of more than the usual “let’s have some fun” Grandma games.

As for the sneaking junk food thing, it is true that your rules go. period. If it is important enough to you that your kids never have any ___ then the grandparents need to respect that. But you might also want to consider relaxing your standards for Grandparent visits. If you’re willing to give them a little leeway, let them have a little fun, sneak a little sugar, then it will be easier for you to expect them to respect the boundaries that you do set. But again, if you are getting no respect for your boundaries, and they refuse to abide by any of your wishes, then that is not typical, but a very serious breach of respect, and I would be very cautious about trusting them.
 
Allowing your daughter to attend a non-Catholic church will only confuse her at best and at worst it will contribute to luring her away from the Catholic Church. Tell your mother-in-law (as nicely as possible) that your daughter is a Catholic and should only go to Catholic Church. It would be better to limit visits to non-Sunday days to avoid and hurt feelings (or well intentioned going behind your back and taking your child to their church anyway).
 
“Grandma’s house - grandma’s rules”

I try to not worry about the things my children are allowed to do while in someone else’s house. My kids ended up riding bicycles around the living room/dining room loop in their cousins’ home while I watched. At home, we allow them to run and ride the plasma car (helmets required) but wouldn’t allow bicycles. I figured there was no reason for me to butt into their house rules with mine.

Keeping that in mind, most of what a non-Catholic church will expose children to is Jesus, plain and simple. Usually, there would be a separate children’s ministry of some kind where they would not actually “be with” those who brought them. If they are always with you when you go to Mass, this can be a legitimate concern.

For reference, doctrinally problematic topics are probably introduced around middle school age.
 
We don’t mind my parents (Methodist) taking our kids to their church occasionally, especially the younger ones when I visit without my husband. (Mass with four kids alone is tough when they’re so little!) But our oldest has had First Communion now, so he goes to Mass every weekend. A couple of times he has spent the night at my in-laws on a Saturday and one of them has taken him to Mass (they do not attend church). If he were to stay at my parents house alone over a weekend, I would insist that he attend Mass.

I see nothing wrong with attending Protestant services, as long as it is not a substitute for Mass when one is obligated to attend (after First Communion). I have occasionally gone as well, in order to see a concert, etc. But I always attend Mass as well. And now that my oldest is old enough, I have explained to him that a Protestant service is not a substitute for Mass and that if communion is distributed at a Protestant service, he should not receive. As he gets older, I will explain more about why.

I’m actually of the opinion that grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids, to an extent. I don’t fuss about candy and gifts, because it’s not every day. Of course, I do trust my parents and in-laws to not over-do it, and they generally don’t. Letting go of those little things makes sticking to the big things (like Mass attendance) less difficult. They know I’m not just trying to control them!
 
Yea the junk food is given plenty leeway. But she has shown herself capable of disregarding things husband and I have said.
Im mostly wondering if its wrong/selfish for my daughter to only attend Catholic mass untilshe is older. She has spent the night before but only on weekdays. They have asked to have her on a weekend but we were genuinely busy. Im just not sure how to approach it on a weekend that we arent busy.
She’s 3,a couple months from being 4 by the way.
 
I was baptized catholic. During my parents separation(they reconciled) I attended both Baptist and Catholic church. Confusion is an understatement. Catholics have Saints,holy days and of course Mary. My 3 yr old is learning the Rosary. Ask a 3 yr old Baptist about the Holy Mother and they would be stumped. So I’d have to disagree that Catholic/non catholic differences arent taught until middle school. My parents didnt have a choice because they both had custody rights. I do, im just no sure what choice to make. My pafents reconciled and renewed Cathilic comittments. But these will always be jer grandparents, and im pretty sure they will be staying non catholic.
 
Chemcpherson said:
Yea the junk food is given plenty leeway. But she has shown herself capable of disregarding things husband and I have said.
Im mostly wondering if its wrong/selfish for my daughter to only attend Catholic mass untilshe is older. She has spent the night before but only on weekdays. They have asked to have her on a weekend but we were genuinely busy. Im just not sure how to approach it on a weekend that we arent busy.
She’s 3,a couple months from being 4 by the way.
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It is not selfish, but prudent parenting. Now to be honest, at her age, I wouldn’t be too worried. She probably won’t even remember it. Although I’d still wonder what they would do with her during the service, and I wouldn’t want her put into a nursery when it’s not even her parents who are bringing her. But in another couple of years, it will be better for her not to attend non-Catholic services. Even though there won’t be discussion of doctrinal differences at the age of 5, the children are still being taught “what church is like,” and my guess is that it is pretty different than Mass. And “what church is like” while on the surface, might seem like a shallow thing, it really is an issue with great depth. It gets to the heart of what worship is, what God asks of us, etc. Even at a young age, it would not be prudent to confuse a child with different church experiences like that.

I would just be honest and say that you would like her to attend Mass with you, so Sunday morning isn’t a good time to be separated. This is really appropriate - even though she isn’t required to be at Mass, it is good for her to start learning even now that Mass is not optional. I also wouldn’t see anything wrong with telling my parents that I don’t want my kids to participate in non-Catholic church services, because I don’t want them to experience any confusion or differing theology until they are at an age where I believe it is more appropriate. Think about your reasons, and ahead of time, come up with respectful ways of saying them, and then don’t worry about being honest. They don’t have to agree with you, they just have to respect you.
 
Chemcpherson said:
Im mostly wondering if its wrong/selfish for my daughter to only attend Catholic mass untilshe is older.
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You’re Catholic. Why would it be wrong or selfish to want your daughter, whom you promised to raise Catholic when you married btw, to attend only Mass?
Chemcpherson said:
But she has shown herself capable of disregarding things husband and I have said.
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And see, this is what the crux of the issue is as I see it. It’s not about food choices. It’s not about religious services. It’s about boundaries, your ability to articulate them unequivocally and your mother-in-law’s ability to respect them. If she can’t stop herself from plying your daughter with candy and soda when your daughter is at her house, what makes you think she’s going to respect your wishes about taking your daughter to Mass if your daughter is at her house on Sundays?
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
Forget about the mother in law / grandparent factor. I wouldn’t have my children to attend the religious services of another faith at all. I might make an exception for a wedding or a funeral, as long as I was there with them, but otherwise, no. So no, I wouldn’t let Grandma take the child to church, even if Grandma was the most upfront respectful of my ways person in the world.

So when you say, “limit visits” are you talking about overnights with Grandma without you? Yeah, I would avoid those if it would result in my child’s attendance at another church. If you don’t even trust her to be honest about whether or not she would take your child to church (ie. if she’ll tell you she won’t, but you suspect she will anyway), then I would consider limiting overnight visits altogether, because that level of sneaky is very serious and indicative of more than the usual “let’s have some fun” Grandma games.

As for the sneaking junk food thing, it is true that your rules go. period. If it is important enough to you that your kids never have any ___ then the grandparents need to respect that. But you might also want to consider relaxing your standards for Grandparent visits. If you’re willing to give them a little leeway, let them have a little fun, sneak a little sugar, then it will be easier for you to expect them to respect the boundaries that you do set. But again, if you are getting no respect for your boundaries, and they refuse to abide by any of your wishes, then that is not typical, but a very serious breach of respect, and I would be very cautious about trusting them.
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It’s funny that this thread came up today when I was thinking about posting the exact same thing, and especially that you’ve given this response. I am due with my second child in May. We want our son (he won’t be two until April) to be comfortable with the idea of sleeping away from us since it will probably happen when the next LO is born and our first attempt at it will be Saturday night. He will be staying with my in-laws, whom he adores. They attend non-denominational services. My MIL stated that they are going to go, but when I expressed hesitation she told me not to worry about it, as young children play in the nursery anyway. Of course, that’s problematic too because I have never left him with a non-relative sitter and he is not used to being around a lot of other children (a few at a time, but this is probably going to be like 20 kids 4 and under.) I can’t imagine he is going to do anything besides cry once he realizes his grandma and grandpa aren’t with him.

The current plan is to pick him up at the nursery as soon as we can get there. I know a few of the people there so they should know who we are. I still get a bad feeling about it though. DH thinks I’m being ridiculous, of course. (And part of the appeal of doing this on Saturday night is that we can stay late at a Christmas party hosted by our friends that we rarely get to see. If we rearrange things meaning we can’t stay very long or go at all to the party, DH is going to be more than a little POed.)

Although he is so young, I know that faith stuff is something I am going to have to put my foot down on. My MIL has already given him several books that are NOT appropriate for Catholics (I understand that board books only have so much room ;), but even so there are ideas in them that are NOT OK.) Some of the books were DH’s when he was young, when MIL still considered herself Catholic, and it astonishes me that she didn’t see what was wrong with them. But maybe that’s why she’s non-denominational now. I dunno. But it is not a conversation I’m looking forward to having, especially since my in-laws help out in so many other ways that we really appreciate.
 
I totally empathize with you, pp. Its tough when your inlaws are helpful christians. But still have that sneak a cookie complex lol. Its just hard to find the words without demeaning who they are. I mean I wouldnt have wonderful hubby(Catholic convert) without them. Just time to grow a little spine I guess.

The two pp’s before you(sorry idk how to quote) gave some awesome advice though.
 
Chemcpherson said:
Yea the junk food is given plenty leeway. But she has shown herself capable of disregarding things husband and I have said.
Im mostly wondering if its wrong/selfish for my daughter to only attend Catholic mass until she is older. She has spent the night before but only on weekdays. They have asked to have her on a weekend but we were genuinely busy. Im just not sure how to approach it on a weekend that we arent busy.
She’s 3,a couple months from being 4 by the way.
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Very dangerous to give a person like that a lot of leeway with your children, no matter how young or what age they are. It starts laying down a foundation with your child, even before she can articulate what Grandma has been saying or doing. In fact at age 3 your daughter is quite vulnerable because she has no independent judgment of her own, but takes cues from the adults around her. Grandma could tell her, “Now, don’t tell Mommy, because Mommy doesn’t like to have fun like we do.” And Daughter nods, and although she may not quite understand why, she does as Grandma says, and accepts that “Mommy doesn’t like to have fun like Grandma and me.” There are so many little statements that your MIL could make, and they would all be seen as harmless, until they added up in your daughter’s mind to, “Grandma is cool, and Mom is not.” Maybe your daughter would not rebel as a teenager, maybe she would. If she did, Grandma could provide her with ammunition against you.

Answering your question: I would not allow her to spend Saturday night at Grandma’s and I would be inclined to be present whenever daughter visited Grandma. Maybe that is viewed as paranoid, but having made that mistake once, I can tell you it could have caused a lifetime of pain for my son. And the family member would have gone merrily on as if nothing had happened.

and BTW, no, it is not “selfish” to take your daughter to Mass only. You’re a Catholic, are you not? Why would you think it is selfish to prevent confusion in your childrens’ minds by taking them to other services?? :confused:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Very dangerous to give a person like that a lot of leeway with your children, no matter how young or what age they are. It starts laying down a foundation with your child, even before she can articulate what Grandma has been saying or doing. In fact at age 3 your daughter is quite vulnerable because she has no independent judgment of her own, but takes cues from the adults around her. Grandma could tell her, “Now, don’t tell Mommy, because Mommy doesn’t like to have fun like we do.” And Daughter nods, and although she may not quite understand why, she does as Grandma says, and accepts that “Mommy doesn’t like to have fun like Grandma and me.” There are so many little statements that your MIL could make, and they would all be seen as harmless, until they added up in your daughter’s mind to, “Grandma is cool, and Mom is not.” Maybe your daughter would not rebel as a teenager, maybe she would. If she did, Grandma could provide her with ammunition against you.

Answering your question: I would not allow her to spend Saturday night at Grandma’s and I would be inclined to be present whenever daughter visited Grandma. Maybe that is viewed as paranoid, but having made that mistake once, I can tell you it could have caused a lifetime of pain for my son. And the family member would have gone merrily on as if nothing had happened.

and BTW, no, it is not “selfish” to take your daughter to Mass only. You’re a Catholic, are you not? Why would you think it is selfish to prevent confusion in your childrens’ minds by taking them to other services?? :confused:
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This doesn’t happen too often but I agree with TRJ.

Everyone is responsible for raising their children the best way that they know how. If someone is going to undermine your efforts, especially on something as important as religion its better to be safe than sorry.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This doesn’t happen too often but I agree with TRJ.

Everyone is responsible for raising their children the best way that they know how. If someone is going to undermine your efforts, especially on something as important as religion its better to be safe than sorry.
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More often than you might think, BEL, but on this issue, you and I see completely eye-to-eye. I do not believe that being a grandparent means you get a free pass to undermine the parents or to “spoil” the child in a subversive way.
 
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