Non-catholic husband with porn problem

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Hello. I’m struggling a lot with my husband’s regular use of pornography (sometime when I am literally in the next room!). He has been turning me away sexually for years and I’ve only recently realized how often he went on porn websites. I have tried to tell him how hurtful to me this is and he always tells me that it’s my problem, I am a prude and everybody’s doing it. Thankfully he has agreed to go to marital counselling (we just started last week) but I can’t help feeling powerless and horrified at his behaviour. I know it’s some kind of addiction/compulsive behaviour and now that I’ve stopped blinding myself to the issue I realize this is somehing that goes way back to his early adolescence (!). Apart from hurt feelings I have a bit of a moral issue because I can’t accept that he is using those websites from our home, somehow I feel that I am complicit if I let it happen. I’ve tried turning off the internet at night or installing blockers on the home computer but I don’t think any good will come from attempting to control his behaviour without him being on board (or even understanding really what the problem is – he is no christian and apparently his father had the same problem ). I have a sense that the behaviour comes from a sense of not being in control, escapism etc. Not to say that I condone the behaviour but I’m aware that any attempt at control might just make it worse.
So my question: do I still tweak the internet connection on the sly (which leads to equivocation/“white” lies on my end, so not great because I’m basically lying), do I confront him (not great, failed in the past) or do I simply suffer and pray in silence hoping that therapy will work and that I will not be judged complicit in his sinful ways because I wasn’t strong enough to impose my views?? Tough one. Any insight appreciated.
 
In suggest getting much better education on porn addiction.

Start with Covenant Eyes, they have articles and blogs and evokes, some for wives of porn addicts.

They also link to some other groups and there are groups for spouses, see for example:

fightthenewdrug.org

Are You Hurt by Your Partner's Porn Consumption?

If you are hurt by your partner's porn consumption, there is hope! Here are some resources if you're struggling with betrayal trauma.
fightthenewdrug.org fightthenewdrug.org
 
I already went on Convenant Eyes and honestly didn’t find them that helpful. The basic line of advice was that I should give him an ultimatum and/or leave. With 2 small children I don’t see this as a viable solution.
 
I don’t think you should waste a minute trying to set up software or internet controls to prevent your husband from his habit. The reality is that he will find a way around these things. If he isn’t willing to change on his own and be accountable to you, then you are much better off investing your time in deciding what your boundary is going to be and what the consequence for him is going to be if he crosses it. For many, for example, the boundary is “no more porn” and the consequence is “we separate if you don’t quit”.

If it is a true addiction, and hopefully the counselor can help you figure out if it is, then unfortunately most addicts have to hit bottom before they are willing to consider changing their ways. “Bottom” isn’t the same for everyone. It is a scary place to be, waiting for this to happen, so my heart goes out to you.

One word of caution. Many will automatically say he is addicted. I wouldn’t be so quick to come to that conclusion. Often time these bad behaviors are a symptom of a bigger problem, and aren’t true addiction. Again, your marriage counselor, if skilled, should be able to help the two of you figure this out. Of course, your husband has to be williing and not dragged or trying to slap a bandaid on the issue.

I hope things get better for you soon.
 
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For now I clearly said that I thought his habit is a problem and causing serious damage in our relationship. I said that I needed him to take this seriously. I also openly addressed this as the main issue in our first counselling meeting and the therapist understood that this was the crux of the problem. The fact that he says he is committed to counselling I think is a good point of departure. If there’s compulstion/addiction then we’ll move from there. If there’s another problem at least we can figure it out. Thanks for your support.
 
First and foremost, none of us should have any place in judging you. And if the world around you judges you then you have a great big family who loves you through one blood, regardless of what the issue is.

Secondly, you’ve complained about it to him in the past. There needs to be a heart to heart unless his heart is so cold that there is no getting through to him without a tribulation from God. Do what you think needs to be done to keep him from porn if you can. Do your best to be truthful about it too. If he gets upset, if he gets frustrated, if he doesn’t act like the husband you need him to be, then you say to his face with all the love you have for him “I am just a woman seeking the affection I need from my husband”.

Christian or not, sometimes us men need to have our hearts chipped away at until you can hit that fleshy center. I’ve been guilty of that. So do everything you can to persuade him to have mercy on you as his wife. That doesnt sound right - I know. But its the best way to describe what I mean. You deserve this attention anyway. But if he acts out of his own mercy, then hopefully he will go above and beyond.
 
thanks to all for your support. Useful insights and a balm to my heart – feeling less isolated with this difficult issue
 
You say you have two small children…in such a case, I can’t see how you have any choice. You have to get help! If your kids aren’t effected by his use of porn, it won’t be long before they are!

You might start by asking, in a non-yelling, not-too-judgmental tone, how he’d feel about your kids being involved in porn. After all, every porn model/performer is somebody’s son or daughter. He should think of his friends who watch this stuff…how would he like them to touch his son or daughter!

I’ve mostly heard this method used on younger people, I.e., how would they like their friends looking that way at their mothers or sisters. Do you know if his father was the one who ‘introduced’ him to porn? Thinking of these airbrushed photos as sisters, wives, Mother’s, daughters has turned more than a few users around, I’m sure. Speak to your counselor about this.
 
So sorry for you 😦

You are fighting upstream. The secular world, and a segment of the Christian world, do not see pornography as anything to worry about because they feel masturbation is natural and healthy. There are groups who teach that masturbation is a gift from God to keep people from committing actual sins like fornication or adultery, that pornography can add “spice” to marriage. I was taught both of these things in youth group when I was a non-denominational Christian teenager.

It is good to understand where your husband is coming from, your opinion is in the minority.

The way I would advise you to approach this is through looking at the funding, profits, for pornography. The ties to human trafficking, the exploitation of vulnerable people.

That it is not uncommon for the persons in the videos to be underage moving the exploitation to a even worse thing.

Your husband is a decent man, I am sure he would not want to be party to such things. Even if he is watching “free” porn, this generates profits for the seller through click pay and advertising.

I will keep you in prayers, and also hope that this thread may serve to open the eyes of people who think marriage will change a person. Your husband had this problem prior to marriage, and as you know, this did not switch off with marriage 😦
 
They really, really need to outlaw porn in America and other countries. It is completely erosive to every fabric of society. So sorry for all the marriages in turmoil because of this horrid evil.
 
Unfortunately, making something illegal when there is a demand for it does nothing to get rid of it. Making it illegal only creates a black market for the item. We saw this with Prohibition on the '20s.
 
Masturbation is twisted and evil precisely because semen does not go into a vagina. Onan was struck dead for this sin. We must reach into our hearts and tremble lest we imperil our eternal salvation. This sin is beyond messed up. You must do whatever it takes to get him to stop (assuming it won’t make your relationship worse and does not harm your kids). Do not rule out extreme measures like separation, if that is what is best for your kids to not be exposed to this. Spilling the seed is perhaps more evil than adultery and should be treated as such. Take the same actions as you would to a spouse who is persistently cheating on you!
 
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I don’t know if he is willing to try accountability software at some point, but if he is, I recommend looking into RealMenDon’tPorn. They have much better reviews on Google Play than does Covenant Eyes. I think Covenant Eyes has yet to work out some serious tech issues, according to the reviews (but I hope they can do it soon because their mission is praiseworthy).

I am so sorry; it is such a hurtful situation. But you are not in any way at fault for this. It’s good he agreed to marital therapy with you; perhaps that will be the first step toward healing. I will pray for you.
 
One more thought: If at some point he becomes at all open to hearing about it, Fight the New Drug is an excellent resource for articles and research on the harmfulness of pornography. From their description:

Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects using only science, facts, and personal accounts.​

Click to expand...
I don’t know how helpful that is since it sounds like he is currently unwilling to entertain the notion that there could be anything wrong with porn; but since FtND is a non-religious organization, maybe someday he would be open to hearing about the research they present. If nothing else, it would be good for educating yourself further on the subject.
 
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This could be said about Meth and all other illegal drugs.
Again, I fully realize I am comparing Porn to Meth.
 
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this in your marriage. Please know that it’s not your fault. Satan is absolutely loving the way porn has permeated our society. Speaking as a wife who has been (and sometimes still is) in your shoes, please don’t blame yourself. As others have said above, your husband has to WANT to eliminate it from his life. Many don’t wish to, unfortunately. The allure is just too appealing and addicting for them. Please know that you will be in my prayers, and if you ever need another wife to “talk” with, feel free to send me a private message. May our Blessed Mother and St. Monica help intercede also for you. Prayer can be very, very powerful, so try to pray for your husband and your marriage. I know it’s hard to do sometimes, but Satan hates it when we pray, so that’s all the more reason we should keep at it as much as we can.
 
The same law that protects good and wonderful speech protects pornography. The 1st Amendment challenges against anti-pornography laws have failed.
 
Thanks again to all. I am trying to move past the hurt and pray that his heart and mind may be opened and that my own hurt, anger and fear may not represent obstacles to his growth. I am well aware that if he does not want to face the problem I may have to separate to protect both my integrity and that of our children but my heart breaks at the thought, I want to try anything possible before. If he is willing to change I am ready to support him. I am educating myself about addiction and starting to understand how these things come to happen (Gabor Maté has very good expressions: “poor substitutes to love”, “the lazy man’s transcendence”…) But it has to come from him, if he does not want to I can do nothing. This is what I will find out, I guess, as we go through therapy. For now I am waiting to see how he responds. This is a very scary place indeed. Pray for me 🙂
 
If your husband is impervious to religious discussion of this, perhaps it would be helpful to discuss it from a counselling Psychology perspective. “What Porn Does to Intimacy
3 studies find that explicit material can do more harm than most people think.” What Porn Can Do to Intimacy | Psychology Today
These studies found that the fantasy sex focus of pornography actually impairs the personss ability to focus on their real relationship.
 
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