Non-Catholic In-laws at Wedding

[sedlibera]

Not only is my girlfriend being received into the Catholic Church in a few days, we just got engaged two weeks ago!!!

We’ve already started to plan the wedding, but a concern has come up. My fiance’s Methodist mother is talking to her about how being the “Mother of the Bride” is very important for her and how there are all these etiquette rules that need to be followed with respect to this honor. For example, she says that the mother of the bride is the last to be seated before the wedding ceremony, and this is important to her. She has also mentioned about how happy she will be when my new father-in-law (also not a Catholic) gives away the bride. I have the feeling that there are even more etiquette rules in the background that we have not heard about yet.

Now, my girlfriend and I are more traditionally-minded Catholics. (We don’t want a “unity candle,” we like traditional church music, etc.) We’ve discussed doing a liturgical procession of both of us at the beginning of the wedding (I’ve been told it’s more Catholic, and we like it better anyway), which of course would make it impossible for her father to give away the bride. And I don’t feel right about insisting on having the mother of the bride be seated last. It seems to put the emphasis on the wrong thing. We want the focus of the wedding ceremony and Mass to be on God and the two sacraments being celebrated, not who’s following Emily Post.

I want to appropriately honor my fiance’s parents without compromising the integrity of the Catholic ceremony. So far all I can think of is to have a toast in their honor at the reception – and I’m more than willing to spend time honoring her parents and mine then. But is there more we can do to help her non-Catholic parents understand why we want to honor them at the reception and not make them the focus of the wedding ceremony? Also, does anyone have any creative ideas for honoring them at the reception beyond simply a toast? – I have a feeling that this might not be enough. Thank you!

 

[Orogeny]

You are asking for some serious trouble here. Your future mother in law’s request does not make her the object of the wedding ceremony since she will be seated before the Mass begins. A father should be allowed to give away his daughter. I don’t think either of those requests are out of line, nor are they anti-Catholic. If you want to start your married life with severe problems with your in-laws, make sure that you ignore their rather modest requests.

Peace

Tim

 

[Rascal]

One suggestion is to have a supportive priest who can guide the congregation on the wedding ceremony and help everyone understand the importance of the various aspects.

I walked down the aisle with my parents, and then my wife walked down with her parents. My wife didn’t like the idea of “giving” away the bride, and my father9in-law had no preference so that was not an issue.

I’m not sure what last to sit down means, since everyone is standing for the procession.

All in all, I would educate your future in-laws throughout your marriage preparation. Be sure they understand it’s your wedding and you and your bride are planning together. Ask for appropriate (name removed by moderator)ut so no one feels “left out”, but in the end it’s your decision.

Congratulations!

 

[mommy]

I am going to be received into the church this Saturday as well.

I was married in the church over 15 years ago. My parents aren’t Catholic either. My mother was escorted in, as was my mother in law just before the wedding mass began. My father walked me down the aisle. Our priest never said anything about this being a problem, I dont’ understand why it would be? These people are the brides parents, they do deserve a place of honor, just as yours do.

These are pretty standard wedding traditions, and to deny these to your inlaws will only start things off on the wrong foot. It will problem come off as Catholics being very closed off from anyone who’s not catholic. You may want to re-think this position.

 

[bear06]

sedlibera:

Not only is my girlfriend being received into the Catholic Church in a few days, we just got engaged two weeks ago!!!

We’ve already started to plan the wedding, but a concern has come up. My fiance’s Methodist mother is talking to her about how being the “Mother of the Bride” is very important for her and how there are all these etiquette rules that need to be followed with respect to this honor. For example, she says that the mother of the bride is the last to be seated before the wedding ceremony, and this is important to her. She has also mentioned about how happy she will be when my new father-in-law (also not a Catholic) gives away the bride. I have the feeling that there are even more etiquette rules in the background that we have not heard about yet.

Now, my girlfriend and I are more traditionally-minded Catholics. (We don’t want a “unity candle,” we like traditional church music, etc.) We’ve discussed doing a liturgical procession of both of us at the beginning of the wedding (I’ve been told it’s more Catholic, and we like it better anyway), which of course would make it impossible for her father to give away the bride. And I don’t feel right about insisting on having the mother of the bride be seated last. It seems to put the emphasis on the wrong thing. We want the focus of the wedding ceremony and Mass to be on God and the two sacraments being celebrated, not who’s following Emily Post.

I want to appropriately honor my fiance’s parents without compromising the integrity of the Catholic ceremony. So far all I can think of is to have a toast in their honor at the reception – and I’m more than willing to spend time honoring her parents and mine then. But is there more we can do to help her non-Catholic parents understand why we want to honor them at the reception and not make them the focus of the wedding ceremony? Also, does anyone have any creative ideas for honoring them at the reception beyond simply a toast? – I have a feeling that this might not be enough. Thank you!

I had traditional music and no unity candle but my father did walk me down the isle. Rather than the priest walking out as usually done, we had the priest process in before us with an entrance song (liturgical procession) and before he started the Mass, we did the usual bridesmaid, dad walking down the isle stuff. We wanted to follow the cross.

That said, there are many Catholic wedding traditions that aren’t necessarily un-Traditional. We chose to present flowers to Mary and pray in front of her together to ask her to intercede for our marriage. I know some that have done the lasso ceremony,etc.

 

[SeekerJen]

My (non-Catholic) husband and I were married in my parish nearly two years ago. We had ushers escort our mothers and grandmothers to their seats as a sign of courtesy and respect. My father then escorted me down the aisle, although he did not give me away (in the Catholic sacrament of marriage, the spouses give themselves to each other). I had the option of walking up with my spouse-to-be, both parents, or by myself, but I chose to go up with dad. Again, a sign of respect for him, and because I knew it would make him happy.

These little courtesies in no way detracted from our sacrament. On the contrary, I enjoyed having both families involved (my sister-in-law was a bridesmaid as well) and supporting us that day. Perhaps your fiancee’s mother is concerned about “losing” her daughter (the marriage, the conversion, etc.) and wants to feel involved. It’s not “un-Catholic” to do what she has suggested.

 

[1ke]

I am getting married in August and I am a convert. I know that this issue will come up with MY family. My fiance and I (he’s a cradle catholic) are planning to have a Catholic processional. End of story.

Know what-- it’s YOUR wedding and it’s a SACRAMENT. Your future MIL needs to get over it. It seems to me it’s all about HER. As for “etiquette”… I started out spouting etiquette out of a book… I’m over that now… don’t worry about what other people think. That is unimportant.

If you start out with your MIL running the show, expect it to continue the rest of your marriage. Be charitable, but you and your fiance should be united and be firm.

There is nothing wrong with doing a “traditional” arrangement where the mothers are seated and the father escorts the bride, it is allowed with the Catholic marriage rite. Remember, however, that Catholic brides are never “given away”.

If you and your fiance agree that you want to have a processional, you can try to sell her mom on the honor of being in the procession… let her LEAD the procession.

 

[1ke]

You could also obtain a copy of the video “Our Catholic Wedding” and have the parents watch it with you.

 

[Island_Oak]

Orogeny:

You are asking for some serious trouble here. Your future mother in law’s request does not make her the object of the wedding ceremony since she will be seated before the Mass begins. A father should be allowed to give away his daughter. I don’t think either of those requests are out of line, nor are they anti-Catholic. If you want to start your married life with severe problems with your in-laws, make sure that you ignore their rather modest requests.

Peace

Tim

What he said…in spades!!

 

[otm]

1ke:

I am getting married in August and I am a convert. I know that this issue will come up with MY family. My fiance and I (he’s a cradle catholic) are planning to have a Catholic processional. End of story.

Know what-- it’s YOUR wedding and it’s a SACRAMENT. Your future MIL needs to get over it. It seems to me it’s all about HER. As for “etiquette”… I started out spouting etiquette out of a book… I’m over that now… don’t worry about what other people think. That is unimportant.

If you start out with your MIL running the show, expect it to continue the rest of your marriage. Be charitable, but you and your fiance should be united and be firm.

There is nothing wrong with doing a “traditional” arrangement where the mothers are seated and the father escorts the bride, it is allowed with the Catholic marriage rite. Remember, however, that Catholic brides are never “given away”.

If you and your fiance agree that you want to have a processional, you can try to sell her mom on the honor of being in the procession… let her LEAD the procession.

I would suggest that there are two ways of looking at the requests of your future mother-in-law; she wants to run your life (that’s one way), or she has some very traditional ideas, ideas that were very common in the Catholic Church prior to Vatican 2 (I went to weddings before and after, and the mother of the bride was always the last to be seated). And it has nothing to do with running your married life.

I would suggest that how you treat your mother in law to be will be a pretty good picture of how you will treat her daughter in the future. If you want to stand on “principle” with the MIL, you are going to do that with your bride. What makes you right, and her wrong? What happened to compromise? where went common sense?

The wedding day traditionally has been the bride’s day; and because most brides have a mother (rumor has it a few were hatched - but that’ s another story), it is also the mother’s day.

If all you can think of to honor your bride’s mother is a toast at the wedding, maybe you might consider growing up before you take the most serious step of marriage. You just may not be ready for such a serious committment, if that’s the best you can do. You might also want to hear from someone who is adult enough to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to some of the incidentals of the Wedding Mass. The Church allows a lot more leeway than you seem to be aware of.

Frankly, with the attitude you are displaying, you are going to have a very strained relationship with your inlaws unless you learn that boundaries are not brick walls. Unless your mother in law to be suggests something that violates serious rubrics of the Mass, you might consider letting her set the tone and pace. Graciousness should be one of the charisms of a faithful Catholic. You are stepping into an area of loyalties; your bride to be is a daughter, and that is her mother. Yes, she will elave her family and cling to you; but you might think about the fact that that needs to be voluntary, and building that loyalty to you, and reducing (but never eliminating) that loaylty to her parents takes time. You can start a family fight with your inlaws, and it is going to settle in right on your hearth, because it is her mother you are going to hurt.

If you don’t want to have a unity candle, that is hardly a loss. But your idea that your liturgical procession into the Church is “more Catholic” is hilarious; that is a very recent innovation. If you are espousing to be more traditional, that certainly isn’t. What your mother in law to be is asking for is the tradition.

It is traditional for the father of the bride to escort his daughter up the isle. It is your marriage, and you can do what you want. You can also create wounds that run deeper than you have any idea, wounds that are going to taint your relationship with your inlaws for a long time to come. How you handle this is going to be a true sign of the depth of your charity, your love of your mother in law and father in law to be. Not warm fuzzy feelings, but an acknowledgement that they are the reason you even have a bride to be.

Grow up, get over it, and let your bride to be and her mother plan the wedding. You will be seen as more gracious, more caring, more loving than if you decide you are going to ramrod your version of what the marriage ceremony peripherals should be. The choice is yours: start war or start a lasting relationship of respect and love.

 

[1ke]

otm:

I would suggest that there are two ways of looking at the requests of your future mother-in-law; she wants to run your life (that’s one way), or she has some very traditional ideas, ideas that were very common in the Catholic Church prior to Vatican 2 (I went to weddings before and after, and the mother of the bride was always the last to be seated). And it has nothing to do with running your married life.

I would suggest that how you treat your mother in law to be will be a pretty good picture of how you will treat her daughter in the future. If you want to stand on “principle” with the MIL, you are going to do that with your bride. What makes you right, and her wrong? What happened to compromise? where went common sense?

The wedding day traditionally has been the bride’s day; and because most brides have a mother (rumor has it a few were hatched - but that’ s another story), it is also the mother’s day.

If all you can think of to honor your bride’s mother is a toast at the wedding, maybe you might consider growing up before you take the most serious step of marriage. You just may not be ready for such a serious committment, if that’s the best you can do. You might also want to hear from someone who is adult enough to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to some of the incidentals of the Wedding Mass. The Church allows a lot more leeway than you seem to be aware of.

Frankly, with the attitude you are displaying, you are going to have a very strained relationship with your inlaws unless you learn that boundaries are not brick walls. Unless your mother in law to be suggests something that violates serious rubrics of the Mass, you might consider letting her set the tone and pace. Graciousness should be one of the charisms of a faithful Catholic. You are stepping into an area of loyalties; your bride to be is a daughter, and that is her mother. Yes, she will elave her family and cling to you; but you might think about the fact that that needs to be voluntary, and building that loyalty to you, and reducing (but never eliminating) that loaylty to her parents takes time. You can start a family fight with your inlaws, and it is going to settle in right on your hearth, because it is her mother you are going to hurt.

If you don’t want to have a unity candle, that is hardly a loss. But your idea that your liturgical procession into the Church is “more Catholic” is hilarious; that is a very recent innovation. If you are espousing to be more traditional, that certainly isn’t. What your mother in law to be is asking for is the tradition.

It is traditional for the father of the bride to escort his daughter up the isle. It is your marriage, and you can do what you want. You can also create wounds that run deeper than you have any idea, wounds that are going to taint your relationship with your inlaws for a long time to come. How you handle this is going to be a true sign of the depth of your charity, your love of your mother in law and father in law to be. Not warm fuzzy feelings, but an acknowledgement that they are the reason you even have a bride to be.

Grow up, get over it, and let your bride to be and her mother plan the wedding. You will be seen as more gracious, more caring, more loving than if you decide you are going to ramrod your version of what the marriage ceremony peripherals should be. The choice is yours: start war or start a lasting relationship of respect and love.

You posted to the wrong person.

 

[TreeHugger]

otm:

If you don’t want to have a unity candle, that is hardly a loss. But your idea that your liturgical procession into the Church is “more Catholic” is hilarious; that is a very recent innovation. If you are espousing to be more traditional, that certainly isn’t. What your mother in law to be is asking for is the tradition.
QUOTE]

The Archdiocese of Toronto, Canada has a booklet they distribute of guidelines for Catholic wedding ceremonies. They do not encourage unity candles. Also, processionals described in the book have the bride and groom walking together. I work in a parish where one of the priests will not allow unity candles or the father to walk the bride down the aisle in a wedding because it is against archdiocese policy.

I would consider seeing what the archdiocese in your area has published about wedding guidelines. you may find that what you and your fiancee would like are encouraged in that area.

 

[AmandaCatherine]

Also, processionals described in the book have the bride and groom walking together. I work in a parish where one of the priests will not allow unity candles or the father to walk the bride down the aisle in a wedding because it is against archdiocese policy.

I am getting married in July, and the packet we got from the parish strongly discouraged what I had always thought was the normal processional at weddings (but of course I grew up Protestant!) with the father escorting the bride in last. Our parish info has the option of both the bride and groom being escorted by both of their parents, or bride and groom coming in together at the end of the liturgical procession like this:

cross-bearer
altar server
bridesmaids with groomsmen
maid of honor and best man
bride and groom

If you look up the USCCB document on marriage it says something like “the priest should greet the bride and groom at the door in a friendly manner”. I can’t remember exactly. But my fiance and I are going to walk in together in the liturgical procession with the priests and servers and our attendants. The grandparents and parents will be formally seated, with my mom being escorted in last with my dad, right before the processional starts. The moms will have corsages, and we are also seating my fiance’s godmother formally. I thought that was a good idea.

I was surprised at the bride and groom coming in together just because I had never heard of it, but I really do like it–after all, we are coming to share the sacrament of matrimony with each other. I do realize that many people are strongly attached to the other way, however. But I was glad to see that the Catholic ceremony doesn’t have the part about “who gives this woman to this man”–which I think is silly. I am 28 years old, and my dad didn’t arrange my marriage.

 

[MariaBelieves]

In October, my husband (the son of a Methodist minister) and I were married in a Roman Catholic Church. The priest who married us allowed my father-in-law to help officiate. Some may not agree, but we think it was beautiful. Having said that, I don’t think your mother-in-law to be has asked for special treatment. If they’re anything like my family/in-laws, they will be respectful of your wishes. My advice is to have a priest familiar with interfaith couples help in the process. I should mention that while my husband is not Catholic, he goes to church with me every week. He respects my prayer time, and we even read the Bible and Catechism together.

God bless and congratulations.

Maria

 

[Benedictus]

Well, this thread clearly demonstrates why most priests would much prefer to do a funeral than a wedding. I mean, we have people attacking sedlibera for wanting to do things the liturgically correct way!

I always thought having the father give away his daughter was stupid. She’s a human being, not chattle. Maybe the groom should ask for a dowry. Three head of cattle, ten chickens, a goat, and a few thousand dollars should just about cover it. I find the whole “giving the bride away” thing mildly offensive, and I’m a man.

Liturgically speaking, the bride and groom should walk down the aisle together–this is what the Rite of Marriage says. I believe it also mentions the parents of the bride and groom accompanying them.

Sedlibera: you and your fiance need to plan your wedding. Most likely other people (usually mothers) will want to interfere. You can placate them if you think that’s best, but feel free to having the wedding you and your fiance want. The best thing is just to do things the way your fiance wants to do them.

 

[Dr.Bombay]

I’d take the cattle, ten chickens, a goat, and a few thousand dollars and he can just keep his daughter.

But that’s just me.

 

[Irish_Melkite]

You are looking to create problems that should not exist - to somehow eliminate as “non-Catholic” some extraordinarily traditional practices used by Catholics and non-Catholics alike. The “giving away” is antiquated, but many people still do it; to make an issue over seating the bride’s mom last is ludicrous and asking for a troubled future with a poor in-law relationship for absolutely no reason. It won’t in any way interfere with any processional and denying her this moment will look small and petty. (Traditionally, the groom’s mother is the second to last person seated.)

You need to focus less on the fact that her parents aren’t Catholic (which seems to be your issue) and more on the fact that they are her parents - the only ones she has - and they will be your parents-in-law. Honor thy father and mother is a concept that can and should be understood to occasionally be inclusive of the actual idea of “honoring”. Without them, you would not have her.

 

[Orogeny]

Benedictus:

Well, this thread clearly demonstrates why most priests would much prefer to do a funeral than a wedding. I mean, we have people attacking sedlibera for wanting to do things the liturgically correct way!

I’m not attacking anyone. I was pointing out that this one thing (not going with his future in-laws requests) is setting himself up for a very bad relationship with people who should play an important part of his and his bride’s life.

I always thought having the father give away his daughter was stupid. She’s a human being, not chattle. Maybe the groom should ask for a dowry. Three head of cattle, ten chickens, a goat, and a few thousand dollars should just about cover it. I find the whole “giving the bride away” thing mildly offensive, and I’m a man.

That’s your opinion.

Peace

Tim

 

[SMHW]

sedlibera:

Not only is my girlfriend being received into the Catholic Church in a few days, we just got engaged two weeks ago!!!

We’ve already started to plan the wedding, but a concern has come up. My fiance’s Methodist mother is talking to her about how being the “Mother of the Bride” is very important for her and how there are all these etiquette rules that need to be followed with respect to this honor. For example, she says that the mother of the bride is the last to be seated before the wedding ceremony, and this is important to her. She has also mentioned about how happy she will be when my new father-in-law (also not a Catholic) gives away the bride. I have the feeling that there are even more etiquette rules in the background that we have not heard about yet.

Now, my girlfriend and I are more traditionally-minded Catholics. (We don’t want a “unity candle,” we like traditional church music, etc.) We’ve discussed doing a liturgical procession of both of us at the beginning of the wedding (I’ve been told it’s more Catholic, and we like it better anyway), which of course would make it impossible for her father to give away the bride. And I don’t feel right about insisting on having the mother of the bride be seated last. It seems to put the emphasis on the wrong thing. We want the focus of the wedding ceremony and Mass to be on God and the two sacraments being celebrated, not who’s following Emily Post.

I want to appropriately honor my fiance’s parents without compromising the integrity of the Catholic ceremony. So far all I can think of is to have a toast in their honor at the reception – and I’m more than willing to spend time honoring her parents and mine then. But is there more we can do to help her non-Catholic parents understand why we want to honor them at the reception and not make them the focus of the wedding ceremony? Also, does anyone have any creative ideas for honoring them at the reception beyond simply a toast? – I have a feeling that this might not be enough. Thank you!

I won’t tell you what you should or should not do but I just want to add a little perspective.

The very first time I ever saw a wedding where the bride and groom were part of a liturgical procession was in 1981 when my college friend Joe got married. The groom entered with his parents and the bride with hers. I thought it one of the most beautiful processions I had ever seen. It was highly innovative for the time.

It was also the last time I’ve seen such a procession at a Catholic Church.

When my brother was married this past summer they followed old tradition. The bride’s mother was seated ahead of time. My brother and his groomsmen were wating in the front of the church for the priest to process in. Then my sister-in-law had her father walk her down the aisle. These were two adults who had been living on their own for many years. While the bride’s parents were probably well versed in wedding ettiquete I don’t think they would have minded which kind of entrance format was used because they aren’t even Christian. (They are Hindus.) I say this just to emphasize that the bride and groom could have easily chosen to do things differently.

So whatever your parish wedding coordinator and/or priest told you is the ‘most Catholic’ way to do things or the ‘best liturgical’ way to do things, you are dealing with opinions of individuals rather than with the Church as a whole. However you chose to do things, (and I think any type of entrance is beautiful), keep in mind that there is no right or wrong here. There is just what is in liturgical style in your parish/diocese and what isn’t. Kind of like what kinds of tuxedos and bridal dresses are in style.

 

[KCT]

I agree w/ the post that suggested having a priest who will explain things as the ceremony moves along. While my husband and his mom are Catholic, his dad’s side of the family is protestant. There were a number of protestant ministers in the congregation at our wedding! The priest who performed the ceremony was great. He explained things as he went along and it didn’t detract from the Mass. At least one of the Presbyterian ministers complimented the priest afterward. You never know how a Mass can touch someone, so be sure you’re respectful to all involved. —KCT