Non convenant marraige

[s4angel]

Hi, I am back again with a question.

I was married to my ex-husband by the justice of the peace in 1997. During our marraige I grew as much as I could in christ. I was not pure white on our divorce so I can not say it was all his fault. I was divorced in 2003.

It has only been lately that I have given up wandering away from the lord. He always pulls me back and kisses the bruises away. Lately I have given a lot of thought to marraige or what I would want from one. I know that if I were to do it over again I would want a man that shared my faith and would be the head of the house spiritualy. but I think maby praying for that would be a sin because I am divorced. I am willing to live chastly the rest of my life if that is what I need to do but I wonder is it a sin?? to ask for a mate who can love me my children and share my faith???

 

[1ke]

You need to go talk to your priest.

You are not free to marry anyone at this point. You need to submit your case to the tribunal and receive a decision one way or the other-- either a declaration that your marriage was valid or a declaration of nullity.

Only if you receive a declaration of nullity are you free to marry.

It is not “wrong” to desire good things for yourself or your children. You are now focused on what makes a real marriage work. But, until you know you are free to marry, dwelling on a future husband can only cause you anguish.

Focus on your kids, your faith life, and getting your first marriage examined by the Church.

 

[s4angel]

I don’t know if I would ever remarry even if my marriage was nullified. But sometimes I think about it and pray I just don’t want to pray for the wrong things. Sometimes I think I missed my calling or ignored it. But thank you I will ask my priest if I can ever get there again.

 

[1ke]

I don’t know if I would ever remarry even if my marriage was nullified. But sometimes I think about it and pray I just don’t want to pray for the wrong things. Sometimes I think I missed my calling or ignored it. But thank you I will ask my priest if I can ever get there again.

My suggestion is to do it now, while it’s still fresh. I know people who never pursued a decree of nullity because they thought they would never remarry. Then, they met someone and decided the decree was something they wanted to pursue. By the time they did, witnesses were no longer around, or alive, they didn’t know where their ex lived or an address to contact them, etc. It makes the tribunal’s job so much harder, and could impact the decision.

And, if you are talking about a religious calling above, you would need that decree before you could be considered by any of the orders.

Yours sounds pretty clear cut, since you married outside the church-- but you still need to get the paperwork done. Don’t wait until you “need” to know if you are free to marry.

 

[hurtbychurch]

You didn’t mention if you were raised Catholic. I assume since you are on this board you were. IF that is the case, you do NOT need an annulment - your marriage was never valid. You need confession. A priest will explain that better than I can.

That to me is the unfairness in this faith. I was married for 27 years of hell. Stuck it out “for the children” etc. Left when the abuse turned into adultery and I have been denied an annulment. So I can never remarry in the church. Am I leaving the Church?? No, the Church is leaving me and those I know that have had their annulments denied. I cannot believe that God blessed the Hell that I was in.

Hi, I am back again with a question.

I was married to my ex-husband by the justice of the peace in 1997. During our marraige I grew as much as I could in christ. I was not pure white on our divorce so I can not say it was all his fault. I was divorced in 2003.

It has only been lately that I have given up wandering away from the lord. He always pulls me back and kisses the bruises away. Lately I have given a lot of thought to marraige or what I would want from one. I know that if I were to do it over again I would want a man that shared my faith and would be the head of the house spiritualy. but I think maby praying for that would be a sin because I am divorced. I am willing to live chastly the rest of my life if that is what I need to do but I wonder is it a sin?? to ask for a mate who can love me my children and share my faith???

 

[1ke]

You didn’t mention if you were raised Catholic. I assume since you are on this board you were. IF that is the case, you do NOT need an annulment - your marriage was never valid. You need confession. A priest will explain that better than I can.

This is not accurate. Neither she nor her priest can determine whether or not her marriage is valid. Even if she has a lack of form-- by having married outside the church-- she would still have to submit the case to the tribunal. It is a shorter process, but it is required.

That to me is the unfairness in this faith. I was married for 27 years of hell. Stuck it out “for the children” etc. Left when the abuse turned into adultery and I have been denied an annulment.

I am sorry that your experienced a painful marriage and divorce. However, the Church cannot declare null that which is valid. Abuse and adultery are certainly ugly violations of the marriage vows, but do not make a valid marriage null.

The Church does not teach that one must stay in a dangerous, abusive situation. I am sorry that you stayed for so many years.

So I can never remarry in the church. Am I leaving the Church?? No, the Church is leaving me and those I know that have had their annulments denied. I cannot believe that God blessed the Hell that I was in.

Again, I am very sorry that your spouse chose to be abusive and unfaithful. I wish he had been a man of honor and integrity.

Yes, the teachings of Christ are difficult, and I encourage you to continue in the Sacraments and seek counseling and guidance from your priest.

The Church has the Keys to the Kingdom. While it is sad that you cannot marry until your spouse dies, keep in mind our time here is so very short-- and Heaven is for an eternity. Don’t turn your back on Christ and the Church.

 

[s4angel]

I still entend to speak with my pastor on this matter. Not that I want to remarry I am not at this time close to ever wanting to do that more so because every person I meet does not share my passion. I am more curious because in a crazy way I feel it would probably be able to dedicate more of my life to God.

I was married by law and the scriptures say I can not remarry but what if I wanted to marry my life to Christ?? Having someone in my life would only distract me from that pupose at this time.

 

[hurtbychurch]

I expected the response that I got

Since my divorce I have been persona non gratis in my parish. These so called Christians have a “lock the men up here comes a divorcee” attitude.

Guidance from my priest??? My priest sent me to a divorce support group at a Presbyterian Church. They have no idea what to say or do. Only to “stay true to the Sacraments” His words to me were “We send you people to First Pres” YOU PEOPLE! think of how that would make someone already beaten down emotionally feel.

God did not bless the hell that was my marriage.

Only Catholics are going to heaven it seems we are back to that thanks to the new Pope. I refuse to believe that. There are very good non Catholics in heaven.

The bishop of my diocese stated “in order for the Church to grow it must first get smaller” So he wants “you people” to go away. He is denying all annulments. As I stated before the Church is leaving me due to the leadership. The bishop refused to allow a separated/divorce support group in the diocese because it would encourage divorces.

 

[StephenB]

I expected the response that I got

The bishop of my diocese stated “in order for the Church to grow it must first get smaller” So he wants “you people” to go away. He is denying all annulments. As I stated before the Church is leaving me due to the leadership. The bishop refused to allow a separated/divorce support group in the diocese because it would encourage divorces.

HBC - Not to be flip, (or to hijack OPs original question) but it appears you need to find a Catholic Diocese - you know, one with a Roman Catholic Bishop.

The lack of charity you are receiving at parish level from fellow parishoners seems to be a reflection of the lack of charity fom the top. But realize this (and I’m not addressing the issue of the Pope’s statement you brought up): the Church, i.e. The Body of Christ, is constant. It’s people who foul it up - either through their “arbitrary rigor” or “imaginative innovation.”

You sound like you were making an honest attempt to reconcile your circumstance by doing the right thing in the eyes of the Church. Unfortunately things did not turn out as you had hoped. Tribunals are not an infallible body, and mistakes happen, just like in the rest of the world. We can’t make that an indictment against “The Body of Christ”.

Yes you were hurt by the outcome of the tribunal, or by the inconceivable lack of charity exhibited within your diocese, but you were not hurt by the church.

May God help you in your search for peace, and may His grace show you the way.

 

[bilop]

I was married by law and the scriptures say I can not remarry but what if I wanted to marry my life to Christ?? Having someone in my life would only distract me from that pupose at this time.

If you were a baptized Catholic before your civil marriage, you were never married according to Church Law. It is a matter of simple paper work to get a decree of nullity. You need only proof of your baptism, and proof that the marriage was civil, not Catholic. It should be a matter of a few weeks or months only to get the ruling.

You require this whether you want to Marry again, or enter any sort of Holy Orders. You do not require it to receive the sacraments.

God Bless

 

[kage_ar]

The bishop of my diocese stated “in order for the Church to grow it must first get smaller” So he wants “you people” to go away. He is denying all annulments.

Praying for you.

As I understand the process, the Bishop does not grant nor deny annulments. You may want to check the source of your information, my sugggestion is that you speak with the Tribunal.

 

[1ke]

I expected the response that I got

Since my divorce I have been persona non gratis in my parish. These so called Christians have a “lock the men up here comes a divorcee” attitude.

It’s clear you are very bitter. I wonder how much of this is actual action on the part of parishioners and how much of it is what you *believe *to be their action/reaction.

Only Catholics are going to heaven it seems we are back to that thanks to the new Pope. I refuse to believe that. There are very good non Catholics in heaven.

That is not what the Catholic Church teaches.

The bishop of my diocese stated “in order for the Church to grow it must first get smaller” So he wants “you people” to go away. He is denying all annulments.

I will believe that when I see documentation. Frankly, I don’t believe you.

As I stated before the Church is leaving me due to the leadership. The bishop refused to allow a separated/divorce support group in the diocese because it would encourage divorces.

Documentation please.

 

[hurtbychurch]

It’s clear you are very bitter. I wonder how much of this is actual action on the part of parishioners and how much of it is what you *believe *to be their action/reaction.

That is not what the Catholic Church teaches.

I will believe that when I see documentation. Frankly, I don’t believe you.

Documentation please.

HBC - Not to be flip, (or to hijack OPs original question) but it appears you need to find a Catholic Diocese - you know, one with a Roman Catholic Bishop.

The lack of charity you are receiving at parish level from fellow parishoners seems to be a reflection of the lack of charity fom the top. But realize this (and I’m not addressing the issue of the Pope’s statement you brought up): the Church, i.e. The Body of Christ, is constant. It’s people who foul it up - either through their “arbitrary rigor” or “imaginative innovation.”

You sound like you were making an honest attempt to reconcile your circumstance by doing the right thing in the eyes of the Church. Unfortunately things did not turn out as you had hoped. Tribunals are not an infallible body, and mistakes happen, just like in the rest of the world. We can’t make that an indictment against “The Body of Christ”.

Yes you were hurt by the outcome of the tribunal, or by the inconceivable lack of charity exhibited within your diocese, but you were not hurt by the church.

May God help you in your search for peace, and may His grace show you the way.

Many people never expect to be in the position that I am now. Please look around your parishes and see the lack of resources for divorced/separated people. Over half of divorces one of the “pair” is blindsided. Many states are “no fault” all someone needs to do is walk into a lawyers office say “my marriage is over” and poof! no more marriage.

I changed parishes after my divorce. I cannot afford to “change dioceses”. I am in a Roman Catholic diocese. I went to see a pastoral counselor for the diocese that is a priest and he told me the bishops wishes of the “church getting smaller” when he told me he was very sorry there would be no resources for divorced in our diocese. Our bishop feels he needs to preserve the “sanctity of marriage”.

I also had an “audience” with the tribunal who told me it was very clear my marriage was abusive but it was still a Sacrament. I told him I believed that God would never bless such an union.

There was a Catholic in my protestant divorce support group who basically laughed and said he “did things right” by marrying outside the Church. His parish priest told him all he needed was confession and he could receive the Sacraments. He has NO plans to remarry in the Church because of the annulment process. So for now he’s a Catholic…

my peace will have to come outside of my faith - just like my support for the healing from my divorce had to come outside of my faith. The sad thing is the hurting people that will not get help in a Protestant church because they feel lightning will strike them.

 

[1ke]

Many people never expect to be in the position that I am now. Please look around your parishes and see the lack of resources for divorced/separated people. Over half of divorces one of the “pair” is blindsided. Many states are “no fault” all someone needs to do is walk into a lawyers office say “my marriage is over” and poof! no more marriage.

Yes, it is very sad when one of the spouses fails to uphold their marriage vows. It does not make the marriage invalid. The Church cannot declare invalid that which is not. The Church cannot change Christ’s teaching that marriage is permanent.

I went to see a pastoral counselor for the diocese that is a priest and he told me the bishops wishes of the “church getting smaller” when he told me he was very sorry there would be no resources for divorced in our diocese. Our bishop feels he needs to preserve the “sanctity of marriage”.

So, you cannot provide any documentation of your accusations.

I also had an “audience” with the tribunal who told me it was very clear my marriage was abusive but it was still a Sacrament.

Then, clearly your statement that the bishop doesn’t allow nullity procedures in his diocese is false. You clearly went through the Tribunal process. Your marriage was found to be valid. You may not like the outcome, but that is not the same as denying you access to the Tribunal process.

I told him I believed that God would never bless such an union.

He would never bless your husband’s actions. That is not the same as you and your husband entering into a valid marriage. It was of your own free choice to marry him. God honors the covenant. I am sorry your husband did not.

There was a Catholic in my protestant divorce support group who basically laughed and said he “did things right” by marrying outside the Church.

Well, your friend clearly doesn’t get it.

His parish priest told him all he needed was confession and he could receive the Sacraments.

This is true. And, you too can receive the Sacraments. Divorced persons are not barred from the Sacraments.

He has NO plans to remarry in the Church because of the annulment process.

That’s his choice.

my peace will have to come outside of my faith - just like my support for the healing from my divorce had to come outside of my faith. The sad thing is the hurting people that will not get help in a Protestant church because they feel lightning will strike them.

There are many Catholic ministries for divorced and separated Catholics and their children. I am sorry you do not have one in your parish.