Nonbelieving Wife and I Raising a Son

  • Thread starter Thread starter stavros388
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

stavros388

Guest
Greetings. I became Catholic last summer after being Orthodox for about 6 years. I became Orthodox during our first year of marriage. We got married after being together for about 12 years. I have been a spiritually inclined person my whole life but when my wife met and fell in love with me, I was a scatterbrained art student living in a van and having no specific religious interests. She supported my choice to become Orthodox, but insists that she doesn’t understand it, and she has a natural aversion to religion, especially Christianity. It has been so hard to do this alone. My wife only very rarely comes to Church with me, and when she does, she is visibly uncomfortable. So I have kind of carried on mostly in private and I go to Mass alone…

…That is until I started taking our four-year old son once in awhile. My wife begrudgingly allowed me to quietly go about being Christian, but she does not believe it is true and does not want our boy to be Catholic or Orthodox. She thinks that it is terribly wrong to have a kid growing up afraid of his own body and having to confess things like masturbation and perverse thoughts to a priest. I often see her point. So there is a serious conflict in my home. I cannot in good conscience be Catholic or Orthodox and not get my son baptized, and my wife thinks my son should not be baptized until he is old enough to make an informed decision. And again, I can sort of see her point. I am not sure what to do. I had a priest warn me before I became Orthodox that if I was serious, my life in Christ would either push my wife and I apart, or (God willing) pull my wife towards Christ. Well, it certainly hasn’t done the latter.

I should add that my wife has been a tremendously wonderful wife, and has stood by me through the deaths of my parents, my getting and struggling with chronic illness, and lots more. We’ve been through thick and thin together, and her and our son mean the world to me.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am looking for here… Can anybody here relate? Am I in fact doing something wrong from a Catholic point of view in not having my son baptized immediately? How old must he be before this hesitation is a sin on my part (or is it)? Any and all friendly suggestions, advice, insights, and or prayers will be kindly appreciated.
 
As a person who works with RCIA folks and children’s Conversion classes. we see this all the time. One parent has a passion for the faith, and the other just doesn’t get it.
I would ask you this:
What have you done to educate your wife in the “why” of what we believe?
Does she have a good working knowledge of what sin is? Besides for “because the church says it’s a sin?”
A person’s tendency and occasions of sin makes our lives hard. We want eternal life, no?
If you are practicing your faith well, she might have learned a bit more about Catholicism, unless…and this is a big one…she just shuts down when you bring it up? 🤷
Is this the struggle?
This is going to sound odd, but there is a book entitled “Catholicism for Dummies” written in plain language by a great priest. It might at least show her that religion is nothing to fear, and indeed, is a tool to introduce and support the morals that you both desire your son to espouse.
Forming a good conscience is bolstered by our relationship with God. Having a relationship with God is attained by faith. Faith is a gift.
I hope she will be open to you having more frank discussions about faith with her, and ultimately with your son. I always marvel at people who believe that people should chose for themselves. How can we choose or reject what we know nothing about?
If it were me, I would desire faith for my spouse, so that you could present a united front to your son, who would understand the importance of a life in Christ. What does she fear will happen if he goes to Mass with you? That he will in fact, choose it for himself?
As a Catholic educator I like to refer to our “toolbox”. It contains those mores and beliefs that form us, drive us, console us in trials, help us in confusion, and heal us when we hurt. People of all ages learn the faith, and start accumulating tools in their toolbox. We carry it around. It’s part of our being. It’s an Rx for the soul. Life’s hard. But we have tools, grace, blessings, faith, Sacraments, Reconciliation, Eucharist…to give us strength for the journey.
I will say a prayer for a softening of her heart. God bless you, and good luck!
 
Several Catholic saints have aggressively advised the Church to cut itself off from those who are damming themselves by their sins.

A number of Atheists rebel against God out of confusion, rather than malevolence. If your wife is one of those Atheists, then she might not be entirely bad. 🤷

Your wife is speaking her opinion on baptism, an opinion which is not formed in union with God’s design. As a Catholic, who values God’s friendship, and the glories of Heaven above all else, get your son baptized. Never put restrictions on God’s hearty gifts.
stavros388 said:
I should add that my wife has been a tremendously wonderful wife, and has stood by me through the deaths of my parents, my getting and struggling with chronic illness, and lots more. We’ve been through thick and thin together, and her and our son mean the world to me.
Click to expand...
If that’s the case, then congratulations on finding a supportive spouse.

Keep the eternity of the afterlife in memory. As a parent, no matter how much you provide for your children’s earthly needs, you would have failed had you not took the time to help him enter paradise. :sad_yes:

May you and your wife prosper without having to restrict God, who is mankind’s ultimate end.
 
pianistclare said:
As a person who works with RCIA folks and children’s Conversion classes. we see this all the time. One parent has a passion for the faith, and the other just doesn’t get it.
I would ask you this:
What have you done to educate your wiife in the “why” of what we believe?
Does she have a good working knowledge of what sin is? Besides for “because the church says it’s a sin?”
A person’s tendency and occasions of sin makes our lives hard. We want eternal life, no?
If you are practicing your faith well, she might have learned a bit more about Catholicism, unless…and this is a big one…she just shuts down when you bring it up? 🤷
Is this the struggle?
This is going to sound odd, but there is a book entitled “Catholicism for Dummies” written in plain language by a great priest. It might at least show her that religion is nothing to fear, and indeed, is a tool to introduce and support the morals that you both desire your son to espouse.
Forming a good conscience is bolstered by our relationship with God. Having a relationship with God is attained by faith. Faith is a gift.
I hope she will be open to you having more frank discussions about faith with her, and ultimately with your son. I always marvel at people who believe that people should chose for themselves. How can we choose or reject what we know nothing about?
If it were me, I would desire faith for my spouse, so that you could present a united front to your son, who would understand the importance of a life in Christ. What does she fear will happen if he goes to Mass with you? That he will in fact, choose it for himself?
As a Catholic educator I like to refer to our “toolbox”. It contains those mores and beliefs that form us, drive us, console us in trials, help us in confusion, and heal us when we hurt. People of all ages learn the faith, and start accumulating tools in their toolbox. We carry it around. It’s part of our being. It’s an Rx for the soul. Life’s hard. But we have tools, grace, blessings, faith, Sacraments, Reconciliation, Eucharist…to give us strength for the journey.
I will say a prayer for a softening of her heart. God bless you, and good luck!
Click to expand...
Thank you for this thorough response. And your prayers. My wife lost her tolerance for my talking about Orhodoxy, and has little tolerance for hearing about the Catholic faith. I try to keep it to myself. However, since I started taking my son to Mass, she has been ever so slightly more interested in hearing about the faith. However, she tells me point blank that she doesn’t like to go to church (any kind) and doesn’t agree with Catholicism on some key points. She just isn’t interested… never has been, and I fear likely will never be. 😦

That said, she is supportive of me taking my son to Mass. It makes my son happy and gives us something to do together. But having him baptized will be a pretty tough sell. But I’ll keep gently and cautiously working on the situation… and praying. Thanks again.
 
stavros388 said:
Thank you for this thorough response. And your prayers. My wife lost her tolerance for my talking about Orhodoxy, and has little tolerance for hearing about the Catholic faith. I try to keep it to myself. However, since I started taking my son to Mass, she has been ever so slightly more interested in hearing about the faith. However, she tells me point blank that she doesn’t like to go to church (any kind) and doesn’t agree with Catholicism on some key points. She just isn’t interested… never has been, and I fear likely will never be. 😦

That said, she is supportive of me taking my son to Mass. It makes my son happy and gives us something to do together. But having him baptized will be a pretty tough sell. But I’ll keep gently and cautiously working on the situation… and praying. Thanks again.
Click to expand...
Well, baby steps. Keep being the best person you can be, and taking him to Mass. Maybe one day he WILL choose! 😉
At any rate, suspect some of her beliefs about what we believe are actually incorrect.
That’s why I recommended the book.
Again, stay the course, love your wife, and do right by your son.
God bless.
 
Have you ever discussed baptism? Maybe, she would not object. My nephew married a girl that came from a non-religious family. She was never baptized. She married my nephew in church, and agreed to raise their children Catholic. She has no objections, although, she is atheist. However, it sounds as you may not have been married in church?

I was not practicing Catholic when I married my husband.(second marriage) I returned to church about two years ago. My husband came from a family that was not religious, either. They were Orthodox, but rarely went to church. He was baptized. He never goes to church with me. He just doesn’t believe people need to go to church to pray We are older now. I am in my late 50s and he is in his 60s.

I wish my husband would attend church with me. He is a great guy. He was very helpful to me during exacerbations of my chronic illness, too. He was a huge help when my brother was dying. He sat with him in the hospital when my sister and I were not there. He is a big help with my mother who has dementia. And, a huge help with my grandson. However, he is not a fan of church. In fact, he could not understand me being upset with my daughter when she was not bringing my grandson to church. That is one thing I would not back down on, and let my daughter know.

I pray to St. Monica for my husband’s conversion, and my children to return to church. I will pray for your wife to agree to your son being baptized, and for your wife’s conversion.
 
Faxero said:
Several Catholic saints have aggressively advised the Church to cut itself off from those who are damming themselves by their sins.

A number of Atheists rebel against God out of confusion, rather than malevolence. If your wife is one of those Atheists, then she might not be entirely bad. 🤷

Your wife is speaking her opinion on baptism, an opinion which is not formed in union with God’s design. As a Catholic, who values God’s friendship, and the glories of Heaven above all else, get your son baptized. Never put restrictions on God’s hearty gifts.

If that’s the case, then congratulations on finding a supportive spouse.

Keep the eternity of the afterlife in memory. As a parent, no matter how much you provide for your children’s earthly needs, you would have failed had you not took the time to help him enter paradise. :sad_yes:

May you and your wife prosper without having to restrict God, who is mankind’s ultimate end.
Click to expand...
Thank you, too, for your reply.

My wife gets really angry when I tease her and call her an atheist. She insists that she isn’t but just doesn’t want to talk about it. She is certainly not rebelling against or angry at God. I do that sometimes, but that’s not her at all. Her beliefs aside, she is a much kinder, more self-sacrificing, humble, and compassionate person than I am. She just doesn’t want to have anything to do with religion. Anyway, my original post was a bit of a vent, but my son said grace at dinner and we talked (ever so briefly) about Catholicism. Maybe things aren’t so hopeless for my son being baptized. Time will tell. Please remember us in your prayers.
 
Sounds like she has had a bad experience in her past that colors her thinking.
Patience, and kindness.
God bless.
 
ineeda said:
Have you ever discussed baptism? Maybe, she would not object. My nephew married a girl that came from a non-religious family. She was never baptized. She married my nephew in church, and agreed to raise their children Catholic. She has no objections, although, she is atheist. However, it sounds as you may not have been married in church?

I was not practicing Catholic when I married my husband.(second marriage) I returned to church about two years ago. My husband came from a family that was not religious, either. They were Orthodox, but rarely went to church. He was baptized. He never goes to church with me. He just doesn’t believe people need to go to church to pray We are older now. I am in my late 50s and he is in his 60s.

I wish my husband would attend church with me. He is a great guy. He was very helpful to me during exacerbations of my chronic illness, too. He was a huge help when my brother was dying. He sat with him in the hospital when my sister and I were not there. He is a big help with my mother who has dementia. And, a huge help with my grandson. However, he is not a fan of church. In fact, he could not understand me being upset with my daughter when she was not bringing my grandson to church. That is one thing I would not back down on, and let my daughter know.

I pray to St. Monica for my husband’s conversion, and my children to return to church. I will pray for your wife to agree to your son being baptized, and for your wife’s conversion.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Although these situations aren’t ideal, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in dealing with something like this.

We were legally married Iin a civil ceremony, and then had an unofficial wedding in her grandparents’ church later. And yes, I have of course brought baptism up with her. She does not at this time approve, and she feels that he should at least be old enough to make his own mind up. I just hope and pray that attending the Mass with my son leads to him wanting to follow me into the faith. I almost considered having him baptized in secret a couple of years ago when I was still Orthodox, but my wife would have felt terribly betrayed and angry, so I didn’t.
 
the thing is Christianity is the truth. catholicism is right and correct and your wife is wrong and incorrect. your child deserves to be taught the truth - getting baptized, communion, going to mass.
 
kittyplant said:
the thing is Christianity is the truth. catholicism is right and correct and your wife is wrong and incorrect. your child deserves to be taught the truth - getting baptized, communion, going to mass.
Click to expand...
That’s all well and fine, but it’s not so simple.

You’re not married, are you? 🙂

I am trying to do my best here given the circumstances. I can’t simply have him baptized without my wife’s approval. And telling my wife that she’s wrong isn’t going to get us anywhere! Trust me on that. 😉
 
And sorry if I seem defensive. I can appreciate your forthright approach. My situation requires a delicate and gradual approach, though, I think. Mass for now… the Holy Sacraments in time, I hope and pray!
 
i’m not married but my son’s father is a non-believer. it’s easy for me -being the mother- to say “i am right, you are wrong” 🙂
everyone including you has already said it but just keep praying. and she is wrong even if you don’t say so 😛
 
I do not have children, but I do have a non-believing husband. I’ve decided to keep living the life of a Catholic and praying for him because talking about it makes him uncomfortable and I know that I can’t do half as good a job helping my husband as God can. If it’s God’s will, my husband will return to the Church. I’ve been praying a 54 day rosary novena for him. Maybe you could find a daily prayer that you could focus for the particular intention of your wife’s conversion. Prayer might not feel as “active” as talking to your wife about the faith, but it’s more powerful. I’ve found that since I started my novena my husband is more open and curious. Has he returned? Not yet, but I take these small actions as a subtle change of heart in the right direction. I’ll pray for you as well!
 
Pianofish said:
I do not have children, but I do have a non-believing husband. I’ve decided to keep living the life of a Catholic and praying for him because talking about it makes him uncomfortable and I know that I can’t do half as good a job helping my husband as God can. If it’s God’s will, my husband will return to the Church. I’ve been praying a 54 day rosary novena for him. Maybe you could find a daily prayer that you could focus for the particular intention of your wife’s conversion. Prayer might not feel as “active” as talking to your wife about the faith, but it’s more powerful. I’ve found that since I started my novena my husband is more open and curious. Has he returned? Not yet, but I take these small actions as a subtle change of heart in the right direction. I’ll pray for you as well!
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate the prayer suggestion. I will say a prayer for you and your husband, too.
 
stavros388 said:
And sorry if I seem defensive. I can appreciate your forthright approach. My situation requires a delicate and gradual approach, though, I think. Mass for now… the Holy Sacraments in time, I hope and pray!
Click to expand...
Correct. the Church does not approve of sneaking off and Baptizing children. :tsktsk:

Just be the best person you can, assure her there’s nothing to be fearful of, and when she is open to it, she can read up, and encourage her to come along with you two to Mass.
The Holy Spirit can get things done in God’s time…really he can. God bless you.
 
i didnt get a prayer and i shared something. really what i said was from the heart of what i am going through and it got ignored.
 
pianistclare said:
Correct. the Church does not approve of sneaking off and Baptizing children. :tsktsk:

Just be the best person you can, assure her there’s nothing to be fearful of, and when she is open to it, she can read up, and encourage her to come along with you two to Mass.
The Holy Spirit can get things done in God’s time…really he can. God bless you.
Click to expand...
i didnt say to sneak i was just emphasizing how important it is
 
don’t think i dont understand because im not married. i had a long term relationship with someone who was distrustful of religion and i had to compromise so much just to make him happy. when i finally got out of that mess i ended up with a guy who is not anti religion and lets me be myself yet he is still an unbeliever. we have a son now (newborn) and i have been praying and praying about what to do. (whether to get married or not) every time i ask for advice on this site i get the most unsympathetic stuff. i am still struggling with what i should do and all i arrived at is we are supposed to put Jesus first. God loves the non believers too so we hope they can turn to Him but we should cherish our walk with Him first. your wife is anti religion and honestly those people irk me as i have said i had a very rough relationship with someone who was distrustful of religion. never again will i let someone like that influence my feelings and actions and i hope your wife doesnt influence yours because it sounds like she can. ( pull you away from God, that is) Put God first. all i was saying.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top