Noncatholic Raising Kids Catholic - Advice

[B_Mindful]

I am a Christian agnostic wife of a Catholic and mother of two children being raised Catholic.
My husband and I had a non-denominational wedding but we have baptised our children. My oldest has received her first communion and my youngest is currently in classes to receive next spring.

My mother’s family (who we are close with) are practicing Catholic but my father’s (who we are not) were either nonpracticing or semi-practicing several different Protestant denominations. Neither of my parents practiced the religion of their own parents. My siblings and I were not raised to adhere to any religion (I would say unfortunately but for shallow reasons related to self-esteem and social acceptance), but there is an unstructured faith and knowledge among us of God and his omnipresence. My parents are very spiritual and loving but a bit too new-age for my standards. Personally I need a little bit of structure; I like things in their appropriate place and trying to have integrity is important to me. I have never wished for more theological structure or religious education in my upbringing but I do think it is wise and good to at least begin a child’s religious journey with an religion chosen by his or her parents/guardians. I believe that an individual must and will choose his or her own spiritual views but I also know that religion and a sense of community are important. Children look to their parents subconsciously for all things to be guided. It is my moral duty to be a reliable guide in my children’s lives as long as they need me to be. They are a precious gift and my driving inspiration in life is centered on raising them with the best intentions for their well-being and in the knowledge of our love for them.

In this spirit I hope and intend to raise my kids Catholic - but I am not Catholic. This presents an ethical dilemma that I would like to either learn to accept the unpleasant contradictions implied or find a solution that satisfies my own ethical standards of integrity and honesty. Whatever I do, I need to make sure it does not undermine my children’s future faith in this chosen religion nor make them see me as a hypocrite.

The dilemma is that I don’t know if I should teach/encourage/persuade them to believe in the Real Presence. My beliefs might change over time with more understanding or other internal inspiration, but currently I do not believe. My views tend towards intangible transubstantiation - less of a physical thing and more of a metaphysical change as it becomes part of the communicant. Or, as Wikipedia states so concisely:
*

In Anglican theology, a sacrament is an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace. In the Eucharist, the outward and visible sign is that of bread and wine, while the inward and spiritual grace

is that of the Body and Blood of Christ.*

As their mother, they look to me for explanations and interpretations of their world, but to know and explain Real Presence? I do not want to tell them to believe one thing while I myself do not. I realize I should not be absorbed by my fault of perfectionism - something I believe to be a form of vanity yet to be conquered - and raise them loving God above all things.

So, should I go hands on in hypocrisy or hands off with integrity?

B

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

I’m not quite clear why you’ve decided upon Catholicism for your children. If I’m understanding correctly, you come from a mostly-Catholic (but nonpracticing) family, and your husband is Catholic (but you didn’t state whether or not he’s practicing?)

If neither you nor your husband practice or believe in Catholic doctrine, then I’d have to say that it seems odd you’d pick this for your children, rather than another denomination that may be more in line with your personal beliefs.

If your husband practices and believes and is also willing to do the work, I would say the two of you might want to discuss your roles in raising the children Catholic.

 

[mountee]

As I read your post I couldn’t help but wonder to what extent your husband is involved in the process of raising your children Catholic and the answer to that would help me in my answer to you. It seems as though your feelings on this should take a back seat to the Church’s teachings while your children are being formed. Hopefully your husband, as the Catholic, takes the lead in answering questions especially ones where you have some personal issues accepting our doctrine. If you agreed to raise your children Catholic I would not call teaching the doctrine, even if you disagree, being hypocritical. I might add that I raised our children Catholic with a husband who is not and who disagrees with quite a bit of the Church teachings. He never talked about his feelings or presented them to the children because he had promised to raise them Catholic. He would have been undermining me and breaking his promise if he tried to show his point of view to the children. Even to this day he keeps his opinions to himself around our adult Catholic son and daughter and their Catholic spouses and children. I do not mean this sarcastically but I feel keeping your promise even when you have some issues is a sign of integrity over hypocrisy. I don’t think that you have to say that you believe something that you don’t in order to teach it, you simply say the Doctrine of the Church states this or that.

 

[1ke]

Well, at a minimum you could always phrase it as “Church teaching is X” or “The Church teaches X” or “Let’s look at what the Catechism says about X”.

That should not conflict with your beliefs, nor create any sort of conflict with your moral code.

 

[masuwerte]

My wife and 9 year-old son are Catholic. If he askes me something, I usually either say “The Catholic Church teaches that…” or, “Ask your mother.” This can cause problems when she doesn’t know why she believes what she believes. Kids do better if they know the reason behind a belief or practice, so the Catholic spouse (the OP’s husband) should know enough to answer questions.

If my son asks for my personal opinion, I try to present it in a tactful, respectful manner, but I don’t lie to him. And I don’t walk on eggshells around my family, either.

 

[B_Mindful]

I’m not quite clear why you’ve decided upon Catholicism for your children. If I’m understanding correctly, you come from a mostly-Catholic (but nonpracticing) family, and your husband is Catholic (but you didn’t state whether or not he’s practicing?)

If neither you nor your husband practice or believe in Catholic doctrine, then I’d have to say that it seems odd you’d pick this for your children, rather than another denomination that may be more in line with your personal beliefs.

If your husband practices and believes and is also willing to do the work, I would say the two of you might want to discuss your roles in raising the children Catholic.

Sorry for the omission - yes my husband is a practicing Catholic. He was raised in a practicing family and is very keen on raising our kids Catholic. We support eachother in the values and ideals we hold to have great meaning and importance. If he wasn’t Catholic, there is still my own background to consider - albeit a connection has been somewhat lost due to my parents not choosing to have me take part in the sacraments. They didn’t want to impose a religion on me that they did not adhere to or commune with - that was their choice. Though I do feel a tad resentful they didn’t see fit to guide me (I have a slight phobia of disconnectedness and not belonging). - I have chosen this because it was my husband’s wish and I don’t feel strongly enough about the doctrine and tenets of faith to question any of it (except maybe the Real Presence, and this may change in the future).

He wishes he could be with us on Sundays but his schedule does not permit it. He reads the class materials and talks about God and Jesus and his views, but he asked me to take the kids to CCD and Mass and I enjoy doing so very much. Recently I asked him to shuffle his Saturday schedule (his hobbies, 2nd job, and chores) plan to start going with us to a Saturday Mass. He will sacrifice that precious time (it is his only day off) but I am willing and able since I take him to class on Sundays, we are encouraged by our church to go directly to the Mass after class.

Anyway, thank you for your replies (I will respond to each). Also, sorry if the above is still unclear. Your question/inference sort of answered my question - yes I do feel like I’m being somewhat hypocritical or a bit of a pretender.

 

[thankulord]

It seems that you have some undersranding or belief that God exists or you wouldn’t want something so precious for your children. Also, you explained what you believe about communion at this particular time. So as you face this dilemma and maybe taking the advice above it would be conforting for you to also start to talk to God asking Him what he would like you to do? Maybe also asking him to guide you as you continue to raise your children Catholic even though you aren’t. I think he is pleased with your deep love and concern for your children. I think He will answer you in your heart, giving you comfort and wisdom.

 

[masuwerte]

He wishes he could be with us on Sundays but his schedule does not permit it. He reads the class materials and talks about God and Jesus and his views, but he asked me to take the kids to CCD and Mass and I enjoy doing so very much.

I do the same for my son when my wife has to work.

 

[B_Mindful]

As I read your post I couldn’t help but wonder to what extent your husband is involved in the process of raising your children Catholic and the answer to that would help me in my answer to you. It seems as though your feelings on this should take a back seat to the Church’s teachings while your children are being formed. Hopefully your husband, as the Catholic, takes the lead in answering questions especially ones where you have some personal issues accepting our doctrine. If you agreed to raise your children Catholic I would not call teaching the doctrine, even if you disagree, being hypocritical. I might add that I raised our children Catholic with a husband who is not and who disagrees with quite a bit of the Church teachings.

I see, you make a very good point.
What you describe is pretty close to our scenario. I haven’t yet been unable to answer my kids’ general questions about Catholicism. When one one does surface (about transubstantiation and the Host), I will simply defer to his understanding and NOT propose a differing view or ‘scientific’ rationale. I’m sure I will struggle with this since I am the fact-checking, historical methodologist know-it-all and he usually defers to my guidance on all things educational (academic, social, and nutritional). When it comes to their religion, I will need to feel one of the Lord’s hands on my shoulder and the other over my mouth.

mountee:

He never talked about his feelings or presented them to the children because he had promised to raise them Catholic. He would have been undermining me and breaking his promise if he tried to show his point of view to the children. Even to this day he keeps his opinions to himself around our adult Catholic son and daughter and their Catholic spouses and children. I do not mean this sarcastically but I feel keeping your promise even when you have some issues is a sign of integrity over hypocrisy. I don’t think that you have to say that you believe something that you don’t in order to teach it, you simply say the Doctrine of the Church states this or that.

Thank you, your words are very helpful. My husband feels really badly about not taking a more dominant role in the religion part of their upbringing. He is very laid back and loving, and doesn’t criticize anyone for their level of or lack of understanding or ability to explain the doctrine. Neither do I, but I do want a framework of a religion they can look at and decide to continue adhering to (or not at their discretion upon adulthood). I don’t want to do what my parents did - and leave us spritiual orphans so to speak.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Sorry for the omission - yes my husband is a practicing Catholic. He was raised in a practicing family and is very keen on raising our kids Catholic. We support eachother in the values and ideals we hold to have great meaning and importance. If he wasn’t Catholic, there is still my own background to consider - albeit a connection has been somewhat lost due to my parents not choosing to have me take part in the sacraments. They didn’t want to impose a religion on me that they did not adhere to or commune with - that was their choice. Though I do feel a tad resentful they didn’t see fit to guide me (I have a slight phobia of disconnectedness and not belonging). - I have chosen this because it was my husband’s wish and I don’t feel strongly enough about the doctrine and tenets of faith to question any of it (except maybe the Real Presence, and this may change in the future).

He wishes he could be with us on Sundays but his schedule does not permit it. He reads the class materials and talks about God and Jesus and his views, but he asked me to take the kids to CCD and Mass and I enjoy doing so very much. Recently I asked him to shuffle his Saturday schedule (his hobbies, 2nd job, and chores) plan to start going with us to a Saturday Mass. He will sacrifice that precious time (it is his only day off) but I am willing and able since I take him to class on Sundays, we are encouraged by our church to go directly to the Mass after class.

Anyway, thank you for your replies (I will respond to each). Also, sorry if the above is still unclear. Your question/inference sort of answered my question - yes I do feel like I’m being somewhat hypocritical or a bit of a pretender.

No worries. Making this choice makes sense if one of the parents want it and the other holds no strong objections. My dad is Catholic and my mom is Protestant, and initially my dad had said he wanted to raise us kids Catholic. My mom had no severe objections (she didn’t agree with all of the teachings, I know Mary’s perpetual virginity was one she definitely didn’t buy into), but her condition was that my dad had to put in the work–she was willing to support it (go to Mass with him, drive us to CCD classes if needed), but she felt (and I agree) that if it meant that much to him, then it was on him to put forth the majority of the effort. My dad displayed little interest in doing this, so it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t have said my mom was hypocritical for being willing to support my dad in something she didn’t completely believe, I wouldn’t say you are either if your stance is similar to my mom’s.

 

[marymary1975]

My cousin in law is married to a non catholic woman and they are raising their kids catholic. When the mother gets asked a question that she doesn’t have full comprehension on the subject hence she has serious questions on it, her answer is Iddon’t fully understand or am filiar with the reasoning behind this. The church teaches x but I was not raised catholic so I cannot explain it properly, however we both together can do research on the subject and find out and answer to your questions. Then they would both look for a priest’s advice the cathecism or a catholic source that explains the why.

I think that is a good technique because she is not lying, she was not raised catholic and most of her doubts come from lack of knowledge, and she is also teaching a wonderful lesson to her kids…if we don’t know the answer to something we don’t make assumption, we look for an answer.

Maybe something like that can work for you.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I agree with the posters here that you can teach the faith-- present the Church’s teaching accurately. That doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Even were you to be a Catholic doesn’t mean your kids would completely accept all the teachings themselves, kids as they reach high school will naturally go into a questioning phase regardless of your faith.

For examples, my own kids have issues with the church’s teachings on homosexuality, gay marriage etc. Not suprising given the culture (US) currently.

However, to teach anything you do need to know it- the Catechism is your friend as well as studying early Church history, and reading some apologetics. Understanding the beliefs/practises of the Church over time will help you present the unchanging doctrine of the Church since it’s inception (confession to a priest/Real Presence/Infant baptism/Marian Doctrines). It will also help them understand and be able to respond to criticisms of the Church.

Some books I’ve found useful:

• Faith of the Early Fathers. Translated and edited by Jurgens (particularly Volume I)
• Catholicism and Fundamentalism, Karl Keating
• What Catholics Really Believe, Karl Keating

 

[B_Mindful]

Well, at a minimum you could always phrase it as “Church teaching is X” or “The Church teaches X” or “Let’s look at what the Catechism says about X”.

That should not conflict with your beliefs, nor create any sort of conflict with your moral code.

My wife and 9 year-old son are Catholic. If he askes me something, I usually either say “The Catholic Church teaches that…” or, “Ask your mother.” This can cause problems when she doesn’t know why she believes what she believes. Kids do better if they know the reason behind a belief or practice, so the Catholic spouse (the OP’s husband) should know enough to answer questions.

If my son asks for my personal opinion, I try to present it in a tactful, respectful manner, but I don’t lie to him. And I don’t walk on eggshells around my family, either.

Very sound advice, thank you both.

But when they ask me, “I know what the church teaches, but what do you believe, mom?” I will have to say truthfully that “I don’t know.”

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband, who is not Catholic, is on the fence about the Real Presence, but he teaches it to our children. The way he sees it, he agreed to raise our kids Catholic, and he doesn’t have a system of belief to offer as an alternative.

If you find this hard to do, you can say, “The Church teaches such and so.” If your children say, “What about you, Dad?” you can honestly answer, “I don’t have the faith to put my trust in that teaching, and that is something so important that I don’t think I can say I have faith where I don’t have any. Your mother has that faith, though, and so we have decided to teach you what she sees through her faith.”

Kids can understand that faith is a gift and that Catholics are not allowed to force someone to say they believe something when they don’t have the faith to see it. If someone is color-blind, you don’t punish them when they say they see no difference between green and red. That doesn’t mean there is no difference. That doesn’t mean they can accuse you of lying when you say you see a difference. It means that even as we recognize that something is either true or not true, we also must justly allow for differences in the capacity to perceive what is true. It does not harm children to know this.

 

[B_Mindful]

It seems that you have some undersranding or belief that God exists or you wouldn’t want something so precious for your children. Also, you explained what you believe about communion at this particular time. So as you face this dilemma and maybe taking the advice above it would be conforting for you to also start to talk to God asking Him what he would like you to do? Maybe also** asking him to guide you **as you continue to raise your children Catholic even though you aren’t. I think he is pleased with your deep love and concern for your children. I think He will answer you in your heart, giving you comfort and wisdom.

Thank you, I will.

I do the same for my son when my wife has to work.

Do you join the line when the kids take Communion? I do for now only because my daughter is a bit shy and uncertain and my son wouldn’t like to be left in the pew alone. I also think the CCD educators encourage pre-first communicants to go up to the altar and bow and receive blessing if they end up in the pastor’s line. Our church has high attendance on Sunday mornings, so there are ususally four extraordinary ministers along with the pastor and his assistant

I cross my arms over my chest as I walk behind my kids, and of course do not receive the communion wafer or wine. I always feel awkward being in the line and coming away without receiving (but it is surely better than not supporting my kids). Nonetheless, I might stop approaching soon after my kids feel ok to go up alone. What do you fine people think? Is it appropriate to accompany, or should I hang back?

 

[B_Mindful]

No worries. Making this choice makes sense if one of the parents want it and the other holds no strong objections. My dad is Catholic and my mom is Protestant, and initially my dad had said he wanted to raise us kids Catholic. My mom had no severe objections (she didn’t agree with all of the teachings, I know Mary’s perpetual virginity was one she definitely didn’t buy into), but her condition was that my dad had to put in the work–she was willing to support it (go to Mass with him, drive us to CCD classes if needed), but she felt (and I agree) that if it meant that much to him, then it was on him to put forth the majority of the effort. My dad displayed little interest in doing this, so it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t have said my mom was hypocritical for being willing to support my dad in something she didn’t completely believe, I wouldn’t say you are either if your stance is similar to my mom’s.

Precisely, it is something I’m drawn to anyway - the rituals, hymns, and community, taking part in CCD classes, ensuring the kids receive sacraments, and observing holy days - doing these activities with them is supporting their personal development, exposure to religion, enriching family life, and educating myself in the process.

My cousin in law is married to a non catholic woman and they are raising their kids catholic. When the mother gets asked a question that she doesn’t have full comprehension on the subject hence she has serious questions on it, her answer is Iddon’t fully understand or am filiar with the reasoning behind this. **The church teaches x but I was not raised catholic so I cannot explain it properly, however we both together can do research on the subject and find out and answer to your questions. ** Then they would both look for a priest’s advice the cathecism or a catholic source that explains the why.

I think that is a good technique because she is not lying, she was not raised catholic and most of her doubts come from lack of knowledge,** and she is also teaching a wonderful lesson to her kids…if we don’t know the answer to something we don’t make assumption, we look for an answer.**Maybe something like that can work for you.

Yes, good thoughts, thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I cross my arms over my chest as I walk behind my kids, and of course do not receive the communion wafer or wine. I always feel awkward being in the line and coming away without receiving (but it is surely better than not supporting my kids). Nonetheless, I might stop approaching soon after my kids feel ok to go up alone. What do you fine people think? Is it appropriate to accompany, or should I hang back?

It is always OK for a parent to accompany a child in the line for Holy Communion. You may just walk behind them with your hands guiding their shoulders or with your hands folded. You do not have to receive Holy Communion yourself.

Ask your pastor about asking for a blessing by crossing your arms. He may be a priest who’d like to discourage that practice (which even for children is an innovation not explicitly approved by the Church), but he may want you to do whatever makes you comfortable. Even people who cross their arms in front of them as a way to ask for a blessing do not have to do that until they are at the front of the line. Walking in line with your hands folded like everyone else is just fine, and that may make you feel more comfortable. You are allowed to just follow your child and not receive a blessing at all. The truth is, if you were Catholic and decided only after you were in line that you did not wish to receive Holy Communion, it would be OK to do that. (A Catholic, however, would make a brief gesture of reverence before the Blessed Sacrament when their turn came, signaling they were not receiving by neither offering their hands nor opening their mouths, and then going back to their seat as usual.)

 

[B_Mindful]

My husband, who is not Catholic, is on the fence about the Real Presence, but he teaches it to our children. The way he sees it, he agreed to raise our kids Catholic, and he doesn’t have a system of belief to offer as an alternative.

If you find this hard to do, you can say, “The Church teaches such and so.” If your children say, “What about you, Dad?” you can honestly answer,** “I don’t have the faith to put my trust in that teaching, and that is something so important that I don’t think I can say I have faith where I don’t have any. **Your mother has that faith, though, and so we have decided to teach you what she sees through her faith.”

Absolutely, I wouldn’t want to lie and tell them I have faith in that particular teaching if I do not.

Kids can understand that faith is a gift and that Catholics are not allowed to force someone to say they believe something when they don’t have the faith to see it.** If someone is color-blind, you don’t punish them when they say they see no difference between green and red. That doesn’t mean there is no difference.** That doesn’t mean they can accuse you of lying when you say you see a difference. It means that even as we recognize that something is either true or not true, we also must justly allow for differences in the capacity to perceive what is true. It does not harm children to know this.

This is a wonderful analogy; I will take your words to heart.

 

[B_Mindful]

It is always OK for a parent to accompany a child in the line for Holy Communion. You may just walk behind them with your hands guiding their shoulders or with your hands folded. You do not have to receive Holy Communion yourself.

Ask your pastor about asking for a blessing by crossing your arms. He may be a priest who’d like to discourage that practice (which even for children is an innovation not explicitly approved by the Church), but he may want you to do whatever makes you comfortable. Even people who cross their arms in front of them as a way to ask for a blessing do not have to do that until they are at the front of the line. Walking in line with your hands folded like everyone else is just fine, and that may make you feel more comfortable. You are allowed to just follow your child and not receive a blessing at all. The truth is, if you were Catholic and decided only after you were in line that you did not wish to receive Holy Communion, it would be OK to do that. (A Catholic, however, would make a brief gesture of reverence before the Blessed Sacrament when their turn came, signaling they were not receiving by neither offering their hands nor opening their mouths, and then going back to their seat as usual.)

Thank you, yes, I was going to ask if this is even necessary or fitting (noncatholics crossing arms over chest). I had never done it in the past (holidays, baptismal, nuptial, or funeral masses) but read somewhere recently that it is a positive sign of reverence for the Host (of which I do hold, despite my uncertainty about the Real Presence). I will certainly refrain in future if it is meaningless in that regard, since I only started doing it out of respect for the community. I realize also that I do not need an individual blessing, I’m just the kid-herder!

All very good advice and guidance, I’m so glad I joined and asked the questions…I am learning a lot!

 

[marymary1975]

Thank you, I will.

I cross my arms over my chest as I walk behind my kids, and of course do not receive the communion wafer or wine. I always feel awkward being in the line and coming away without receiving (but it is surely better than not supporting my kids). Nonetheless, I might stop approaching soon after my kids feel ok to go up alone. What do you fine people think? Is it appropriate to accompany, or should I hang back?

You don’t have to feel awkward. I am catholic and I do this too if for some reason I thinkiI may have committed a mortal sin and need to confess. I am from Latin America and over there we don’t go to communion unless we are are sure that we are free from mortal sin. So of I had to walk my daughter and I shouldn’t have communion I do exactly this. The priest in my parish thought has a huge Brazilian community so he is quite uses to give blessing to people that come with crossed arms so it is not odd for him. So I think you are doing perfectly fine.