Not a blissfully happy newlywed :(

[ElizaE]

I will be praying for you and your husband.

I just wanted to share our story. My husband and I both were in medical school together. We met in college and got married after my first year in med school. We have huge loans as you can expect. So you do not have to be the sole provider. Loans are available for your husband that will help along with your salary. Most physicians have loans and they do fine in the end. So don’t worry too much about money. You may not afford everything you want but you will afford what you need.

I too felt scared of becoming pregnant and how we would afford a baby. We used NFP. Everything worked out. God knows when you are ready.

Now we are both residents (2nd years). I am pregnant and due in 6 weeks. I was scared at first but then I realized that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I should say that my husband and I started to use kind of lazy NFP (so not really NFP ) if you know what I mean. I think that we both knew that it was time for a little one and needed a little push from God. Sometimes it is hard to take that leap. I am in pediatrics so my program is very kid friendly so I am actually getting quite a bit of time off for the baby.

You will be fine. Trust me. However, do be prepared that your husband will be spending lots of time studying in the next 4 years and then he will be spending lots of time at the hospital. Being a medical student and resident is alot of work and long hours. Just make sure that the time you have together is special.

Good luck

 

[marriagebliss]

Thank you all for posting and being so open and honest with your advice and life stories. Your advice is already putting me more at ease!! Slowly…

A few questions I have noticed I will try and answer:

I am 23 and he is 24

We have been married for only 3 months which is why I am so devastated that we are already feeling resentful to one another and having issues. I am a nurse who works nights while the husband is in school during the day. We have opposite schedules unfortunately.

I find NFP to be extremely stressful even though I know its the right way to go. Keeping track of so many details has got me overwhelmed. It is extremely tempting to consider a pill of some sort even though I NEVER imagined in my life that I would think that way.

I need to learn how to trust in the Lord more. Even though I am a practicing Catholic I tend to fail in this area miserably.

Its so difficult learning how to live together!! In a way I can see why people want and do live together before marriage. Where is the richness b/w each other I have been told about by so many married couples!!!

 

[philialeaf]

You’re going to be fine! It isn’t fair that no one really tells us what to expect when we get married, and we are kind of on our own suddenly having to learn how to live with this other person. It really helps to love them!
NFP gets a lot easier as you go, trust me. You’ll figure out that you don’t need to keep such intricate records unless you want to, you’ll start to learn your signs better and better and it won’t be a burden.
The pill may look tempting at times, but remember, aside from the moral repurcussion of it there are numerous physical and relationship problems caused by artificial birth control as well. Look at the One More Soul website and materials to get some idea if you don’t know. I think someone here may also have mentioned the CD by Janet Smith called “Contraception: Why Not”, which is available through One More Soul also.
Lastly, if you ever think you have trouble getting into being physically intimate now, don’t even think about the pill. It will kill your libido and you’ll resent your husband and just feel all around, well, ******.
Every relationship has ups and downs, times you feel close and, other times. Marriage is the same way. Hang in there! Our prayers are with you!

 

[Sarabande]

Thank you all for posting and being so open and honest with your advice and life stories. Your advice is already putting me more at ease!! Slowly…

A few questions I have noticed I will try and answer:

I am 23 and he is 24

We have been married for only 3 months which is why I am so devastated that we are already feeling resentful to one another and having issues. I am a nurse who works nights while the husband is in school during the day. We have opposite schedules unfortunately.

I find NFP to be extremely stressful even though I know its the right way to go. Keeping track of so many details has got me overwhelmed. It is extremely tempting to consider a pill of some sort even though I NEVER imagined in my life that I would think that way.

I need to learn how to trust in the Lord more. Even though I am a practicing Catholic I tend to fail in this area miserably.

Its so difficult learning how to live together!! In a way I can see why people want and do live together before marriage. Where is the richness b/w each other I have been told about by so many married couples!!!

Marriagebliss - I understand how hard it is for you right and how tempting all of what you mentioned can appear. Now that you have said you are a nurse, your situation is definitely similar to my parents’ when they were newly married. As I mentioned in my above post, my mother was a nurse and took on the responsibility of being the main provider as well as helped pay for my dad’s medical school. She didn’t work nights, but my father was either studying or working evening shifts/weekends at the hospital pharmacy while he was in school. So, they didn’t see each other that often either. Quite similar to your situation.

I do not know your entire situation and what your views on marriage were like prior to being married. When you ask where the richness was between a husband and wife married couples talked about, what kind of things were expecting?

Their love and commitment to each other, as well as their faith helped them get through that period. (Remember, my mother was also going through a period of depression when she couldn’t get pregnant for years.) But I believe from how they spoke about marriage to us, as well as advice to me before and after I was married, they also were very practical with how marriage was. They didn’t expect some major, fireworks change in their lives. Yes, the unseen/seen change was the Sacrament and the making of two to one, but the rest of the aspects of their lives was going to be the same. They understood that marriage was “work”. Some days (months, years, etc) were going to be easy and some days (months, years, etc.) were going to be hard.

You will be fine, Marriagebliss. Just continue to pray and trust in God.

 

[Secret_Square]

I have been married for 15 years and I have been the main breadwinner of the family for our ENTIRE marriage even though we are a very “traditional” couple in most other ways.

For almost 9 years my husband stayed home and cared for our child while I worked. We also purchased a home in the country and remodeled it – since he was home he was able to do a lot of the work. We were even able to homeschool our daughter for a time.

When I married him he had a job that was almost but not quite full time (just under the limit for getting health insurance). We got pregnant (by choice; we were using NFP) about 5 months after our wedding, and he quit his job before our daughter was born. I kept my job because it was full time and had health insurance for him and our daughter.

Yes, being a woman supporting a husband and taking care of a baby can be difficult but it is not impossible. It depends on your husband’s abilities and personality. In our case my husband came from a large family and was more accustomed to being around babies, whereas I had NO experience at all with babies, so I think he was better at it.

Also, we had intended to have more children but it didn’t happen Perhaps if we hadn’t gotten pregnant relatively early in our marriage, we might not have gotten pregnant at all – who knows?

So don’t be afraid to think outside the box, and consider switching the “breadwinner” roles IF this is agreeable to you and your husband.

Also, I was a virgin before we married, and the first few times were not what I had anticipated – they were awkward, embarrassing and to some extent physically painful. Not the way the movies, etc., portray it at all! I also felt as if I had let down my husband since he had had, ahem, previous experience with other women. Don’t be surprised if it takes several months to get used to it. It DOES get better. In fact, for me it got a lot better after our daughter was born, and it’s still getting better Hang in there!

 

[marriagebliss]

I do not know your entire situation and what your views on marriage were like prior to being married. When you ask where the richness was between a husband and wife married couples talked about, what kind of things were expecting?

I was just excited to learn how to cook, eat dinner together, go to mass together, be madly in love w/o worrying about anything especially as newlyweds because things will just workout with love… right!!! All of theses things look like a long shot now for many, many years. I wish there was more we could do with our schedules but they are out of our hands. I am a new grad and am at the mercy of my supervisors for a minimum of 3 years. If I could I would take time to be home more but then there is that important little piece, medical insurance.

My husband already really believes that I dont like him because I do not show affection, am stressed all the time since we were married. Its just sad. I have pulled a 180!!! I wasn’t like this for our past 3 years of courtship.

Prayers, prayers, prayers I keep telling myself.

 

[ac_claire]

Thank you all for posting and being so open and honest with your advice and life stories. Your advice is already putting me more at ease!! Slowly…

A few questions I have noticed I will try and answer:

I am 23 and he is 24

We have been married for only 3 months which is why I am so devastated that we are already feeling resentful to one another and having issues. I am a nurse who works nights while the husband is in school during the day. We have opposite schedules unfortunately.

I find NFP to be extremely stressful even though I know its the right way to go. Keeping track of so many details has got me overwhelmed. It is extremely tempting to consider a pill of some sort even though I NEVER imagined in my life that I would think that way.

I need to learn how to trust in the Lord more. Even though I am a practicing Catholic I tend to fail in this area miserably.

Its so difficult learning how to live together!! In a way I can see why people want and do live together before marriage. Where is the richness b/w each other I have been told about by so many married couples!!!

The only thing I can say with 100% conviction is that any disillusionment or disappointment you’re feeling is NOT a result of using NFP instead of birth control or not living together in sin before you were married. Trust the 2000-year old wisdom of the Church over the trends of modern culture, and the silly things you read in magazines and on internet boards. God’s words are true and pure and last forever. Marriage “bliss” is unrealistic…We can hope for love and a measure of happiness in this life, but counting on pure bliss in anything is just a recipe for disappointment.

There’s that saying of wise King Solomon’s, “This too, shall pass.” I’ve read that he had it engraved on a ring he wore everyday as a constant reminder. You’ve just hit a little bit of a rough patch, emotionally, as newlyweds. This too will pass.

I am still wondering if it might be helpful for you to sit down with your husband and re-evaluate your current situation, as far as you working full-time (at night!) while he goes to school. These things aren’t set in stone, and if it’s truly just not working, there’s no reason why your plans can’t be modified or delayed while you get your home life in order. It might do both of yall a world of good if your husband got a job while attending school part-time or even delaying it for a couple years. You could continue working as you are, or maybe look into working part-time or at least hours that are more compatible with your husband’s schedule. Having opposite schedules like that simply might not be worth it, especially at a time like this (so early in your marriage) when you may need to be developing your relationship and getting your married-life routines down.

Just (some more of) my $.02. God bless!

 

[gardenswithkids]

Thank you all for posting and being so open and honest with your advice and life stories. Your advice is already putting me more at ease!! Slowly… Where is the richness b/w each other I have been told about by so many married couples!!!

That doesn’t happen instantaneously. I presume you have a diamond engagement ring. Look closer at it–diamonds are formed under intense pressure deep underground. Once formed and found, a diamond cutter studies the raw diamond to cut it to just right to reflect light. Beautiful things take time and skill to create.

Marriage is beautiful, but not easy. If it was easy, fewer couples would divorce. If Church teachings on chastity within marriage were easy, everyone would follow them. I also discovered in the first year of marriage that it was not the fairy-tale I expected it to be where we rode off in a carriage and lived happily ever after. Getting married was not the end of your love story–it’s the begining.

I just saw your latest post. As a nurse, you go to work and care for patients even on days when you don’t feel like it. Nurses are known for giving a great deal of themselves to their work. You are not only a nurse but a wife. If you husband thinks you don’t like him as you once did because you don’t show him the affection you once did, you need to show him affection even when you don’t feel like it.

 

[Bluegoat]

Yes, it can be helpful just to make a point of saying a nice thing to your husband, or giving him a hug, every day. It seems to lack a little warmth or sponanaity, but it can really help and he will likely respond, and the warmth will come.

Most marriages do go through rough times. I had a really bad time after my first child was born, probably due partly to ppd, and also feeling trapped in a living situation I was struggling with. We lived in an isolated place that was fine when I worked - but when I was home all day it was awful, and my husband didn’t get it and didn’t want to move. But the biggest problem was that I didn’t say anything to my husband, and we were having bad communication all around. I kept thinking of running away.

But things worked out, partly because I started talking, but also because time passed.

It is a drag that you are facing a difficult time right after you married, when you haven’t figured out your coping skills yet. But you will be able to manage, you will get more say in your shifts and schedule as time goes on, and you’ll get into a routine. Do try to carve out some weekly regular time for you and your husband to have a meal you cook together and talk, or do something else you both really enjoy.

 

[graciesuico]

As best pray and ask the help of the Blessed Mother.Spent time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I think you are in stress… Bring all your worries to Him. How long you been married?

 

[philialeaf]

I’m sure lots of the advice you’re getting is helpful, and much of it you already know or are doing! For instance, do you steal as much time together as possible by doing mundane things like grocery shopping or chores together when you can? Do you goof around and play together and make each other laugh? Do you pray together often? An earlier poster also mentioned carving out a time each week to date or at least have a dinner together.

I hope I don’t offend or annoy by giving more advice–I mostly just want to let you know you’re in our prayers and you’re not alone.

 

[bcuster]

Many others will have more useful, practical suggestions than I.

Reading your post I had one persistent thought: Put your life, all of it, in God’s hands. He’s your dad. He KNOWS exactly what is best for you. He knows what He has planned for you. Once you surrender control, you will again feel peace.

Try not to be afraid of pregnancy and babies. You may have one/some in the future. Ask any of your friends/relatives with babies to look at that baby and consider what life would be like if they had been using NFP or birth control that month. I doubt you’ll find a good parent who wouldn’t shudder at the notion of that baby having never existed.

Is it sometimes a challenge? Sure. I’ve heard it said that if people all waited until they “could afford to have children” the human race would cease to exist.

Of course, none of that matters if you surrender control to God. If you put the One who KNOWS in control, there is little to worry about.

I couldn’t agree more! I wish that I had more trust in God earlier in my life.
My other thought is: Have you talked to your husband about your anxiety? Medical school is very important, but there might be ways to make sure that the burden is not totally yours. This is a problem that both of you need to address together in prayer. Talk to your hubby. Place your concerns and his concerns before the Lord in prayer and wait and see how Good our God is!

There is also a let down after all the stress of the wedding. There are lots of changes that you both are adjusting to. Change is stressful. Even good stresses can be difficult. Another suggestion is to take things one day at a time. God gives us grace for this day. Tomorrow the grace will be there for another day.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

My wife & I went through much the same thing. We had an unbelievably stressful engagement but were able to make it through the trials we were facing because we knew that saying “I do” would make everything better and erase all those problems. We were both counting on that never-ending bliss we were sure would come with marriage, then were smacked in the heads by reality. The ecstatic, passionate, fun-filled life we were expecting didn’t exist; at least, it didn’t exist for these two ignorant kids who thought it would just come to us automatically. We dealt with even greater stress and trials after our wedding than we did before and at times we couldn’t stand the sight of one another.

Eventually, we both came to realize that being successful parents and spouses took a lot more work than we first thought they would. Oddly enough, this was a huge relief to both of us, and really set us on the path to a deeper love and happiness. Although we still have our fair share of problems and stress, we’ve lived through much worse and know we can rely on one another. It never gets easy, and the moments of truly blissful happiness may not be as abundant as you’d hope, but once you get past those initial doubts and dismay it definitely gets better.

 

[Musician]

What you are experiencing is very common: it takes time to get used to each other, and to have such different schedules is unbelievably hard.
My husband and I are fortunate that right now we both work until around 8:00 p.m. and then we spend the rest of the evening together. It may be only an hour of quality time before one of us falls asleep, but it is a very important hour of every day!
I wish I had known when I was a new bride, that building my husband up was a daily process; make sure to reserve some energy for your husband in a very positive way. Tell him how much you love and admire him, and show him physical affection. This is so important to men.
Just a little advice from an old married lady!

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Eventually, we both came to realize that being successful parents and spouses took a lot more work than we first thought they would. Oddly enough, this was a huge relief to both of us, and really set us on the path to a deeper love and happiness. …

Great observation!