not a good day

[Monica4316]

Hi… okay I feel kind of bad making this thread because I really fear being annoying or a burden to anyone… but honestly that is not my intent I just really don’t know who to ask about this. I can’t get to a priest, I can’t talk to my SD at the moment, and whenever I consider talking to my friends, - I’m afraid it would be like gossip because they’ve met my family. Soo… that only leaves this forum, since it’s anonymous.

I’m wondering if anyone here is in a position where they’re the only Catholic in their home, and they get some opposition to that. ?

Today was a really difficult day and I wanted to ask someone, - according to the Church’s teachings… did I do something wrong?

Here’s what happened… my parish has several Masses on Sunday. I usually go to the one at 12. This month, I’ve been able to get rides there from my family (I can’t drive and there are no buses that go there) - and I got the impression that my family was alright with it. (specifically my mom has been driving me). My family does not attend church and are not Catholic. Today, the plan was that I’d go to the 12 pm Mass, and then afterwards, my mom and I would go to the park because they had some sort of a music concert there.

Well on the way to the church, my mom got really upset with me, and angry that I’m burdening her with driving me to church… I said - okay, I can walk to church from now on. (it’s an hour walk one way but I can do it). Then during the Mass, - I was struggling with some things, including some doubts, and was planning on praying about it all afterwards by the Tabernacle. But right after Communion, my mom came into the church and tapped me on the shoulder and said we have to go. I thought something had happened and there was some sort of emergency. I felt bad for leaving before the final blessing, and that I didn’t have time to pray, but I went. In the car, my mom explained that we have to hurry to get to the park to get parking because they are running out of spots. I thought… okay… I felt sad that I didn’t have the chance to pray, but I didn’t say anything.

Then, I really don’t know what happened but my mom got very angry at me. She started saying how I’m ruining the family, ruining the marriage (between my mom and dad… but they fight all the time and I try to stay out of it), that I am crazy for going to church every week and - my mom also said that I am very uncharitable and offending God because I couldn’t choose charity first and not go to church this week. I said that - I need to go because it’s a commandment. My mom said my first obligation is to obey my parents, and be charitable/understanding, not be like a pharisee… she does not believe in the Sunday obligation being from God, but something priests made up so they’d have parishioners. I was really upset by this point but I tried to just stay silent, - because in the past I would argue, and then sin.

In the park, some things happened, like I got mud all over my white skirt, and another thing that was really embarassing/mortifying… and my mom said, that is a sign that God is angry with me and is punishing me.

And then I started wondering… is my mom right?? I know that I haven’t been the best Christian… I’ve made SO many mistakes, and if my mom said I’m driving her away from the Church, I guess I can see why but for the past little while, I’ve really been trying to be better, I haven’t been arguing, I’ve been silent when she got angry with me… although I made some mistakes, they weren’t as big as before. But it seems like today, my mom got angry at me just because I had gone to Mass. I guess I should have gone to the 9 am Mass, and walked… which is what I’m going to do from now on. I didn’t fully realize that. I also think I’ve been rather selfish and not appreciating the rides enough, - I’ve been sort of taking them from granted, and not realizing that my mom doesn’t have an obligation to drive me. For that I feel really bad.

I can’t figure it out… I’m really confused now. Should I have not gone to church?? or would that have been a mortal sin?? I’m struggling with various doubts and other things right now, and then this happened… I don’t know what to do… my mom says I think I’m a saint, or think very highly of myself, - I know I am very proud, but I do not think I am better spiritually than others… I am such a sinner! and I am proud… I’m not trying to prove anything about myself, I just wanted to go to church

sorry this is so long… please help me understand, did I do something wrong? if you give me any criticism I would accept it… I’m not here because I want to be told that I am right, I am just wondering if I should have not gone to church like my mom said. Thank you

 

[Monica4316]

Okay now I feel bad for having said everything… was it gossip?

 

[HurricaneAnne]

Then, I really don’t know what happened but my mom got very angry at me. She started saying how I’m ruining the family, ruining the marriage (between my mom and dad… but they fight all the time and I try to stay out of it), that I am crazy for going to church every week and - my mom also said that I am very uncharitable and offending God because I couldn’t choose charity first and not go to church this week. I said that - I need to go because it’s a commandment. My mom said my first obligation is to obey my parents, and be charitable/understanding, not be like a pharisee… she does not believe in the Sunday obligation being from God, but something priests made up so they’d have parishioners. I was really upset by this point but I tried to just stay silent, - because in the past I would argue, and then sin.

In the park, some things happened, like I got mud all over my white skirt, and another thing that was really embarassing/mortifying… and my mom said, that is a sign that God is angry with me and is punishing me.

Your mother seems quite manipulative. You did absolutely nothing wrong. If she didn’t want to drive you to church then she should have just said so, instead of agreeing to drive you but then making you feel like you forced her into it.

I would try and see if there is someone at your church that can transport you. If you don’t know anyone who attends that church that lives near you, ask the front office if they can help you find a nearby member that wouldn’t mind helping you get to Mass.

 

[Monica4316]

thanks for the reply Anne… I hope I didn’t sin by this my understanding is that as long as I can get to church, I should go, or it’s a mortal sin… if it’s more charitable to not go, should I have not gone? I don’t understand this very well… however from now on, I will simply try to get to church on my own and that way it won’t happen again and I won’t bother anyone I don’t know, my mom is going through a stressful time and maybe that contributed to her getting upset…

I don’t really know anyone in the parish except a friend but he comes to church with his dad and I don’t want to burden him. I’m okay with walking though…

I think the part I’m really struggling with, is that my mom thinks it is wrong for me to go to church every week or be so “legalistic” about it. Am I being legalistic? But isn’t it a rule of the Church? Also - I know that we should put charity first, but in this case, should I have chosen charity first? I don’t get it… it was like choosing between two sins: being uncharitable and angering my mom, or, missing my Sunday obligation. However, I didn’'t realize that she was upset until after we got into the car and started driving. oh well from now on I’ll just avoid this whole situation so it doesn’t happen again. What is bothering me is that my mom said I am driving her away from the Church and from Christianity - but if me simply going to church is doing this, - I can’t really do anything about it? I mean… I can’t not go to church, just to make Christianity seem more attractive… and I agree that I need to obey my parents, but the first Commandment is to love God and - He only asks for an hour of a week, I need to honour Him by going to Mass…

my mom said that I’m offending Him because if we are not charitable to other people, we offend Him even if we do things for Him - which is true, but does that mean I had sinned? or would I have sinned if I had not gone to Mass? my mom said that I was being very selfish, and I guess I was but from now on, I will not ask for rides. I don’t understand why I’m in this situation, is it some sort of a cross, or is it my fault

sorry…end of rambling

 

[HurricaneAnne]

thanks for the reply Anne… I hope I didn’t sin by this my understanding is that as long as I can get to church, I should go, or it’s a mortal sin… if it’s more charitable to not go, should I have not gone? I don’t understand this very well… however from now on, I will simply try to get to church on my own and that way it won’t happen again and I won’t bother anyone I don’t know, my mom is going through a stressful time and maybe that contributed to her getting upset…

I don’t really know anyone in the parish except a friend but he comes to church with his dad and I don’t want to burden him. I’m okay with walking though…

I think the part I’m really struggling with, is that my mom thinks it is wrong for me to go to church every week or be so “legalistic” about it. Am I being legalistic? But isn’t it a rule of the Church? Also - I know that we should put charity first, but in this case, should I have chosen charity first? I don’t get it… it was like choosing between two sins: being uncharitable and angering my mom, or, missing my Sunday obligation. However, I didn’'t realize that she was upset until after we got into the car and started driving. oh well from now on I’ll just avoid this whole situation so it doesn’t happen again. What is bothering me is that my mom said I am driving her away from the Church and from Christianity - but if me simply going to church is doing this, - I can’t really do anything about it? I mean… I can’t not go to church, just to make Christianity seem more attractive… I don’t understand why I’m in this situation, is it some sort of a cross, or is it my fault

sorry…end of rambling

I don’t think you’re being “legalistic” at all. I also don’t think that you’re being uncharitable. I do think that your mother is being uncharitable. Firstly, it is wrong for her to place herself above your desire to worship God. The commandments pertaining to our responsibilities to the Lord come before the others. Secondly, to blame difficulties in her marriage, her relationship with God, and your family as a whole is ridiculous in its manipulativeness.

I wouldn’t have her drive you any longer. She’ll probably find a new way to try and make you feel bad for attending church, but she wouldn’t be able to argue that you were imposing upon her. However I do still urge you to ask your friend or someone in the church office for assistance. You have nothing to lose if they don’t wish to help you, but I doubt a faithful Catholic would see transporting you as anything but true charity if you explained your situation. I am concerned for your safety in the long walking distance.

 

[PerfectTiming]

You did nothing wrong. You are obligated to go Mass and your mother shouldn’t be manipulating you in this way, it’s unfair and cruel. Yes, you should obey your mother but not at the expense of disobeying God.

You’re not driving your mother away from the Church - she is pulling herself away and clearly wants you to come with her.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Monica4316]

Okay I am glad to know that I did not sin here… I believe my mom has good intentions because I know that she does love me, I think she has very different views on religion… maybe she believes being a good person is more important than praying, going to church, all the other “religious” stuff. I see it kind of differently, like they go hand in hand. oh well… I don’t think my mom has bad intentions, but she grew up in an atheist home and atheist society and maybe it’s hard for her to agree with my views on church. I do believe I need to fulfill the Sunday obligation though, in obedience to the Church, and also because Jesus is present in the Eucharist.

I don’t understand if all this family stuff is maybe my cross to carry… because it really breaks my heart. I pray for my family so much but maybe i need to pray harder because things have not been going well. The disagreements over faith - that is the worst for me… I am trying to not judge my family, but at the same time, some things my mom says make me very sad. I know she loves me because I can see that in her actions and she is very kind when she is not upset like this, and I know she wants the best for me, but our idea of what is best is different… my mom wants me to be more like the girls my age because she believes that would make me happier in the end, and help me to find a husband, etc. I believe that God is where I would find happiness. Sometimes I think about religious life but I can only imagine what would happen if God ever calls me to this… also because I’m the only child and it’s one of my obligations to help take care of my parents when they are older… yet I don’t feel called to marriage and often think of religious life. I worry that if I would feel called, that would be a delusion and a temptation, to get me to do something uncharitable to my family and leave them all alone. At the same time, I keep on remembering what Jesus said about - loving others but choosing Him first, loving Him first. I’m trying to trust Him with all this because - I know He is good and has a good plan for me and my family, and - He loves them even more

 

[mariafransisca1]

Well, I sympathize with you, Monica.

I think you are a wonderful person who is struggling with your faith.

Yes to follow Jesus we need to make sacrifices… Mortifications, as you say it, not only mortifications of our body, but also our will, being thought as nothing, humiliated, persecuted. That’s the portion of the disciples of Christ.

You see, the first apostles, how they endure everything for the sake of Jesus.

To make it better, you can pray for your mother. Say, mother mary, please pray for my mother, then proceed with hail marys as many as you like. Until you feel love flows from Jesus through mary to your mother.

And you need to forgive. Just say, father forgive her for she knows not what she does.

And then proceed again with hail marys. You know, hail mary is a powerful prayer. So is our father, we can get our spiritual food from these.

You just have to bear your cross patiently. And you’re doing a good thing by being silent, that’s the best way. Jesus was silent too, when faced in front of pilate.

Your mother is wrong. She judged you, and she said twisted many things about obedience. First and foremost we must be obedient to the Will of God. And the will of God is that we participate in holy mass every Sunday. And no one has the right to take that away from you, or to make you sin against God. You need to pray. The Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet is a wonderful and powerful prayer. Can be offered for the conversion of sinners, perseverance of the Just, and relief for souls in purgatory. It is an act of love too to help these people, when you pray for these three intentions, it is very pleasing to the eyes of God. I take it from St. Anthony Mary Claret’s autobiography, he always, before every prayer, devotion, liturgy of the hours, holy masses, he offer it for these three intentions, and he exhorts other people to do so too. The results has been amazing for me

For the meantime, I would just give you consolation through this wonderful book, called catholicism,

You know that good, holy books are sources of consolation too, and they strengthen us.

It is in separate chapters

I The Abscence of God
download1049.mediafire.com/jez5wviqv3gg/7sjuayqnomgg2ya/The+Abscence+of+God.pdf

II Theophany
download376.mediafire.com/641m3g38shpg/2x7299aw28wy0q1/Theophany.pdf

III Advent
download298.mediafire.com/ukxmv7017x6g/cfqfc6v2wdcirw9/Advent.pdf

IV Incarnation
download139.mediafire.com/i4a966h7rfog/b1ri7baunamrqhu/Incarnation.pdf

V Pentecost
download946.mediafire.com/rk873p6fxt5g/p1t4j5a6a6bacmq/Pentecost.pdf

VI Faith
download1010.mediafire.com/76ipeb38ihog/ywsn5916ymp8wu7/Faith.pdf

VII The Transformation in Christ
download1355.mediafire.com/81lkg8ghievg/m8vk8pu2rd3zp92/The+Transformation+in+Christ.pdf

VIII The Catholic Affirmation
download1211.mediafire.com/1xoj773y3xmg/vcu86w26hv9ttqa/The+Catholic+Affirmation.pdf

IX The Last things
download844.mediafire.com/pmx4q8sie3mg/vmcgc7dg55sz65d/The+Last+Things.pdf

You should read the Transformation in Christ and The Last things, in which he discusses about the virtue of love of God and love of neighbor, for love of God. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and Last Judgement. It is very consoling.

I read this book when I’m upset, or in a good mood, it brings me to contemplation, because he uses many meditations from the saints.

May the merciful Jesus bless you, and help you

And yes, sunday obligation is a must, offer all your sacrifices (including the one hour walk) for the love of Jesus and the conversion of sinners so that your sufferings may not go in waste.

May I suggest you a couple more books on saints who endure the same hardship and trials as you do?

St. Therese of Lisieux - Story of a Soul

She faced death of her mother when she was 4, suffered tuberculosis. And during her life, she mortified her will and ego, she wanted to be unknown, thought of nothing, rather than be slandered or humiliated for the sake of Christ. She said that it is too big for her little soul. She choose the little way, for little soul. The way of spiritual Childhood. She is also called St. Therese of the Child Jesus.

St. Faustina Kowalska’s Diary - Divine Mercy in my soul

She suffered sickness, misjudgment from her fellow sisters, unfriendly and uncharitable treatment even though she was holy but she was considered lunatic, and having these visions, which were true, The mother superior even called her “queer, hysterical” during one outburst

The Imitation of Christ - by Thomas a Kempis.

The favorite book of St. Therese of Lisieux, she said when she read this book, she is taken to heavenly joy and meditation. She was right

Fatima - In Lucia’s Own Words are also encouraging, Blessed Jacinta was threatened by her mother to be put in Jail if she doesn’t admit that she’s lying. How can she do that:shrug: and she was put in Jail and threatened to be fried in oil. And in all those she offered her sacrifices for love of Jesus and conversion of sinners.

Give food to your soul by spiritual readings, they will strengthen you

All the books can be read online
saintsbookscatechisms.blogspot.com/

You can also do online adoration to receive consolation for not having been able to pray in the church, or after receiving Jesus in the eucharist

There is this remote perpetual adoration savior.org/

You can offer your adoration for the conversion of your mother, salvation of souls, and all those who need your love.

I pray for you

May the merciful Jesus bless you

 

[Monica4316]

Thank you for the reply

I have forgiven my mom, I do not have anger towards her.

I see what you mean about carrying our crosses and being ready to face such difficulties for Jesus… I think what makes it really hard is that this is my mom… if I was persecuted by strangers, it would not be as hard. I am determined to choose Jesus first but I wish that my mom was not disagreeing with Catholicism, - because to be honest, I just get afraid for her in those moments… I dont know if that is judgemental and I don’t want to be judgemental. I don’t know my mom’s heart, only God does. But her words really break my heart. I’ll just try to be charitable, and yes I can walk to church, I don’t mind this…

I understand the times when I drove my mom further from the Church because I acted incorrectly. I regret that so much but then it also seems that I drive her away because I go to church, or read spiritual books, or want to dress more modestly, or am sometimes more quiet and introverted than other girls, or am not looking for a boyfriend… things like that… and I understand my mom’s logic, she just wants the best for me, but again we disagree on what the best is. She does have love in this, I am sure, because - she wants me to be happy in this life too not only in the next. I guess a parent might be sad if they found out their child thinks about the next life, if the parent does not see it as our ultimate goal. But I can’t say no to God either… I am already very worldly… but I don’t enjoy these worldly things, parties, etc… even if I did them, I would NOT be happy in this life. What makes me happy is different… I’m a quiet/introverted person, I like to do other things

and it’s this impossibility that makes it so difficult, and makes my situation seem like a trap… I can’t be something I am not, and I can’t be worldly, in order to make the Church seem more attractive…yet if I seek to practice my faith more fully, or just be myself - then I feel I’m doing something right, but I’m pushing my mom away… I don’t understand why is it like this? Am I doing something wrong? that is my fear, that - maybe if I was a better Christian, this wouldn’t be an issue in the first place. But my mom doesn’t want me to just be a better Christian, but she hopes for me to be successful, social, lively, etc - nothing wrong with that - but - like I said that is not personality or focus in life. I do want to make a better impression by being more hard working though - and being more involved in things, like my hobbies, - drawing, music, etc. Maybe if I do that, and manage to finally get a job (I just graduated) - my mom would feel more happy with how things are going with my life. Inside I just want to be with God, but I don’t know if I’m in a lot of delusion, or what. lol that is why I need spiritual direction

God bless

 

[heathernoel]

It sounds like something else unrelated to you is going on. Perhaps she and your Dad had an argument this morning and she was just ready to blow. You just happened to be there to get the brunt of it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Monica4316]

It sounds like something else unrelated to you is going on. Perhaps she and your Dad had an argument this morning and she was just ready to blow. You just happened to be there to get the brunt of it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

thanks for the hugs and encouragement :hug1:

I don’t know… I really don’t know. I will try to put God first yet be kind and charitable to my family

 

[Monica4316]

btw… just wanted to ask, does anyone know a Saint that I could relate to on this? (yet I can’t always perfectly relate to the Saints here because they did nothing wrong in their family, yet I’ve made many mistakes. But still )

 

[lauraabarlow]

Hi Monica-:console::hug3: I am so sorry that you are going through this mess. First, you have done nothing wrong-sounds like your mom has issues and taking it out on you. She should never make you feel guilty-You are keeping the commandment of keeping holy the sabbath day (attending mass). Sounds like your mom is very dysfunctional. Some parents just don’t understand or can become quite manipulative. My ex-husband’s mom used to lay guilt trip on her adult kids and ran the show. Of course, my ex was a mama’s boy. My father blames me for my son’s autism. Just learned that both myself and my youngest daughter has mild aspergers-and I am in the air force. I just wish that you were in a more supportive environment that will help you grow in your faith-negative people-yes-that includes parents can actually do more harm than good.
Don’t let your mom come between you and God-parents can and do make mistakes-you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. :knight1::harp::hug1:
Stand strong in your faith!

 

[FaustinaClare]

I am so sorry you are going through this! You have gotten some great advice but maybe if I add my own story it could help?

I am very lucky to have been preceded into the Catholic Church by my mother so my situation is somewhat different. My husband (who is Catholic btw) is now blaming my devotion to the faith the reason he doesn’t like being Catholic. He gets upset and argues and throws a temper tantrum when I pray or go to my Carmelite meeting or want to go to Mass.He says he doesn’t like it b/c it makes him feel guilty. It is getting rather ridiculous. I was having trouble with my vocation of marriage and making sure my husband’s needs were taken care of and being faithful to God.

Through other people’s advice I realized that even though as a spouse it is my duty to help him get to heaven I can’t let him drag me down either. The devil would love that too much. You can’t let your mother blame you and your faith to God for her problems. That is the devil using her to get you to stop being so faithful.

Don’t give up, keep praying, especially for your mom! Pray the St Monica chaplet which I’m guessing you already know about considering your name

 

[LoyalViews]

btw… just wanted to ask, does anyone know a Saint that I could relate to on this? (yet I can’t always perfectly relate to the Saints here because they did nothing wrong in their family, yet I’ve made many mistakes. But still )

Yes.

St Martin. His parents were atheists, and his Father forced him to join the army. One night, he saw a homeless man and he cut off some cloak and gave it to him. His parents disagreed with his holiness, and hated that he was so “foolish” to be so.

 

[Rascalking]

I’m sorry your having a bad day. Giving you cyber prayers.

 

[WoundedIcon]

To be honest, it sounds like there are bigger issues here. I’m sensing that your mother has a tendency to twist your arm into her ideals, which seem to be very materialistic. She basically seems to want you to act like a normal Westerner… extroverted, success driven, over-sexed, etc. You’re not doing anything wrong at all, in fact if you were to become any holier (sad to say) your mother would probably ostracize you and abandon you in one way, shape, or form. True, she pushes these things on you out of love, but what she thinks is right is totally twisted by society and dangerous for you. I’ve been right in your position, trust me I understand. I was drugged for a private revelation I received as a minor, picked on for my eccentricities, forbidden to be baptized, called gay, told I was anti-social and negative, belittled for my appearance and weight, and prodded repeatedly to get off my you-know-what and get some money because no woman would marry me for me (apparently that’s some warm fuzzy delusional ideal) while being severely mentally ill and incapable of it. All by my mother. Do I know she loves me? Yes. Does her particular form of love injure me? Yes. Do we have to obey them in these things? Hell no.

 

[Monica4316]

Okay something just happened, I guess God heard the prayers

My mom apologized for saying all that stuff to me… I have already forgiven her but I’m glad we had a chance to talk I asked her, what I did wrong. She just said that my Church obligation interferes with family events. I said, okay, I can go to the 9 AM Mass, and if we have to go on a trip or something Sunday morning, I can fulfill my Sunday obligation at the Saturday evening vigil Mass.

Now my intention is to just be very kind/charitable at home… not argue with my mom… and I’ll just keep on practicing my faith. Maybe it’s best if I keep it sort of hidden, a bit… like not read spiritual books in the middle of the living room lol. I think my mom is stressed out about varios things… I know she loves me, she is just stressed out and maybe that’s why she said those things, - as some of you suggested, - maybe there are other things going on.

I also…don’t want to give a negative impression about my mom… I have made many mistakes too and am a great sinner. I think I’m more sinful than anyone in my family, even though I go to church and pray. It does hurt me a lot that we have these differences in our faith though - and I hope that one day, God will lead my mom to the Sacraments also I will try to simply pray for my family and be a good witness.

 

[the_phoenix]

Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha, Lily of the Mohawks:

The father was a Mohawk chief, the mother a Roman Catholic Algonquin, so Kateri Tekakwitha was baptized Catholic as a baby. When both her parents died, she went to live with an uncle and other relatives.

Since these other relatives were not Catholic, Kateri Tekakwitha was greatly persecuted, with even threats being made on her life.

One instance I remember reading about was the battle Kateri had with attending Sunday Mass and not working on Sunday. Kateri had to walk for miles to go to Mass. She was told that on whatever Sunday she went to Mass and did not work in the cornfield, she would be given nothing to eat on that Sunday.

 

[josephback]

I don’t think you’re being “legalistic” at all. I also don’t think that you’re being uncharitable. I do think that your mother is being uncharitable. Firstly, it is wrong for her to place herself above your desire to worship God. The commandments pertaining to our responsibilities to the Lord come before the others. Secondly, to blame difficulties in her marriage, her relationship with God, and your family as a whole is ridiculous in its manipulativeness.

I wouldn’t have her drive you any longer. She’ll probably find a new way to try and make you feel bad for attending church, but she wouldn’t be able to argue that you were imposing upon her. However I do still urge you to ask your friend or someone in the church office for assistance. You have nothing to lose if they don’t wish to help you, but I doubt a faithful Catholic would see transporting you as anything but true charity if you explained your situation. I am concerned for your safety in the long walking distance.

I second these thoughts. I’m the only Catholic in my family and they’re apprehensive about it, but that’s no reason to stop. Obey God before man. Going to Church is not a crime.