Not a matter of sin, maybe

[Della]

… but still. Recently a friend of my mother’s died (my mom has long since passed away, as well). My sister and this woman’s granddaughter were and still are great friends. This woman, who I’ll call Sylvia for our purposes, was a staunch Baptist with a decidedly holy-than-thou attitude.

She had a huge influence on my mom after my dad passed away at a very young age. It wasn’t for the better, as it turns out. My mom left our Episcopal Church for a Pentecostal one (she never really cared for Sylvia’s Baptist Church–no offense to Baptists). This led to mom getting involved in all sorts of kooky sects and odd religious notions which she never could sort out. It sent my brothers and sister and I on a strange spiritual odyssey, as well. Sylvia would come over to our house after dad died and play on my mother’s feelings, making her cry and getting her all wound up, fearing she’d never see our dad again, etc.

That’s some background. My sister told me Sylvia’s funeral time and place, but my dh and I didn’t go. He wasn’t crazy about going–it was about 45 miles from us and with gas prices as they are, he didn’t want to expend it on a funeral for a woman he never knew. I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of going, either, but am thinking maybe I should have put in an appearance for the sake of charity. I don’t think it was a sin to not go, but still it’s bothering me…

 

[baltobetsy]

You can still send a note of sympathy to the granddaughter. That would be a very gracious thing to do.

 

[thequeen]

You did nothing wrong by not attending This woman was not someone whom you felt close to and even if you did with gas prices even a small 6 cyllinder like my saturn is a challenge to fill up financially sometimes I would send a sympathy card and maybe some flowers to the home of the family along with your condolenscesand you should be fine please do not make yourself sick worrying about something that is in no way a sin.

 

[StrawberryJam]

If the granddaugher is Catholic, I would most likely consider getting HER a Mass card and sending notification of it to her along with a sympathy card. If I were a catholic now.
If she is not a Catholic, I would send a sympathy card along with some type of consoling verse or verses from the bible and perhaps adding a personal memory of something good (if there was a good one you can recall personally) of the deceased.
I’m concerned about how your sister is viewing this, is she angry with you that you did not attend? If so, I know from your posts you can address this with her by explaining the very practical reasons and the moral reasons you have for not attending.
It can’t be an easy time with all these memories being brought back to you. As we get older and find more people connected to our lives passing, we have to question as you are if we are or have done things we should…
This is a very complex situation. Della, you have a great heart. You have a great head.
You wouldn’t go about this lightly.
That could be why you are still questioning yourself, I think.
Della, some people don’t go that step. They don’t agonize over the tough calls. They knee jerk react. Let’s hope you don’t get any replies that are that type.

 

[Della]

If the granddaugher is Catholic, I would most likely consider getting HER a Mass card and sending notification of it to her along with a sympathy card. If I were a catholic now.
If she is not a Catholic, I would send a sympathy card along with some type of consoling verse or verses from the bible and perhaps adding a personal memory of something good (if there was a good one you can recall personally) of the deceased.

Sylvia’s family are Baptists–I’m not sure if her granddaughter practices her faith, but she’s definitely not a liturgical Christian of any kind. I like your suggestion about the Bible verses in the card. And if I can think of anything positive to say about her grandmother, I’ll try to include it. I don’t have an address, but my sister can probably supply that for me. Thanks for the ideas, Strawberry Jam and everyone else, too.

I’m concerned about how your sister is viewing this, is she angry with you that you did not attend? If so, I know from your posts you can address this with her by explaining the very practical reasons and the moral reasons you have for not attending.

Yes, she’ll understand. It was a “come if you can” kind of notification from her, so I don’t think she was surprised or upset that we didn’t attend.

It can’t be an easy time with all these memories being brought back to you. As we get older and find more people connected to our lives passing, we have to question as you are if we are or have done things we should…

Definitely. As soon as I heard Sylvia had died I was swamped with memories–things I thought I’d forgotten or put aside. I can easily forgive–who of us is perfect and has never interfered where we shouldn’t or never said any unkind word we regret, etc? The hard part is letting go of the emotions that were raised.

This is a very complex situation. Della, you have a great heart. You have a great head.
You wouldn’t go about this lightly.
That could be why you are still questioning yourself, I think.
Della, some people don’t go that step. They don’t agonize over the tough calls. They knee jerk react. Let’s hope you don’t get any replies that are that type.

Thank you for your kind words. I have been agonizing over this–for more than one reason. And I hesitated to post this, but braced myself for the worst, just in case. Thank you for making this easier for me. Thank you everyone for your kindness and good suggestions.

 

[Della]

An update: I found Sylvia’s guest book online and posted a message on it. I have no address for the family and getting hold of my sister is like getting hold of the President. I wrote my condolences to the family, cited how Sylvia and my mom had been dear friends–that my mom loved her like a sister (true), that I had fond memories of her (true enough), and added that they are all in my thoughts and prayers. I also cited Rm. 6:8 and closed with God bless you. Do you think that met my obligation? Or should I try to do more?

 

[mommyof4]

An update: I found Sylvia’s guest book online and posted a message on it. I have no address for the family and getting hold of my sister is like getting hold of the President. I wrote my condolences to the family, cited how Sylvia and my mom had been dear friends–that my mom loved her like a sister (true), that I had fond memories of her (true enough), and added that they are all in my thoughts and prayers. I also cited Rm. 6:8 and closed with God bless you. Do you think that met my obligation? Or should I try to do more?

I don’t think you NEED to do more, you’ve done pleanty. You may want to have a mass said for her, though, too.

 

[Della]

I don’t think you NEED to do more, you’ve done pleanty. You may want to have a mass said for her, though, too.

Thanks for the kind reply. As a staunch Baptist in life I know that Sylvia would have been horrified at the idea of having a Mass said for her. But, now that she has entered eternity, I rather think her opinions have changed on a lot of things. So, I’ll do that. Her family wouldn’t understand if they were told, being fellow Baptists, but they don’t need to know. It’s not wrong or a crime, but to some people’s way of thinking it may as well be, sad to say.

 

[mommyof4]

Thanks for the kind reply. As a staunch Baptist in life I know that Sylvia would have been horrified at the idea of having a Mass said for her. But, now that she has entered eternity, I rather think her opinions have changed on a lot of things. So, I’ll do that. Her family wouldn’t understand if they were told, being fellow Baptists, but they don’t need to know. It’s not wrong or a crime, but to some people’s way of thinking it may as well be, sad to say.

Della, I agree that it should be kept quiet- just between us! I’ve done that for other people who are very anti-Catholic, or just non-Catholic who wouldn’t understand. I just send a nice “generic” Christian sympathy card, tell them they are all in my prayers, and then just quietly arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased person.

 

[Della]

Della, I agree that it should be kept quiet- just between us! I’ve done that for other people who are very anti-Catholic, or just non-Catholic who wouldn’t understand. I just send a nice “generic” Christian sympathy card, tell them they are all in my prayers, and then just quietly arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased person.

Yes, I remember when my mother, who was a non-denomination Christian, died she had worked for many years at a Catholic hospital. One of the sisters told us she had a Mass said for her. I was a Pentecostal at the time and thought it presumptuous of the sister to have prayers said for my mother’s soul when I was certain she was in heaven. So, I understand the feeling, although, of course, I’ve changed my ideas about it quite radically since then. Funny that the offer of prayers should repel people instead of attract them to the Catholic faith. I’ve often wondered where that comes from–I don’t even know why I felt that way at the time except that I was incensed at the idea that my mother needed anyone’s prayers–as if she had been a gilded saint. Now I’d say that she was a very good woman, and I’m sure she’s not in hell, but automatic entrance into the Beatific Vision?–I doubt it. So now I pray for the repose of her soul and all my beloved day as a part of my morning and evening prayer requests.