Not attracted to my wife

[Eliza10]

Eliza10 wrote a fantastic post, with some great examples. But at the end of the day she was in a bit of a special situation given her husbands problems/behavior etc. …

Thanks, Thomfra for the compliment. I want to say I had a point in what I wrote, and that is that if marriage is such hard work, then there is probably something seriously wrong with the marriage - something that does need work.

My friends who had a similar reaction to marriage being “work” as you do - have good, long marriages. So I think there is probably something to your being suspicious that something is not right with the view that marriage is “work”.

When Elizabeth or others characterize their marriage as “hard work”, I wonder. Also its interesting that I always characterized my “work” just like Elizabeth characterizes hers: primarily, learning how to be the wife God wanted me to be “for my husband”, and keeping the peace (In my case, not “making” him angry).

(But if Elizabeth’s husband considers himself to be “working” just as hard is she is, to learn to be the kind of husband God wants him to be “for his wife”, and if he also embraces as his own the work of keeping peace, then definitely what they have is not any relation to my kind of ill-fated marriage.)

I always knew there were two things I could not live with in a marriage. One was alcoholism (how can you reason with a drunk?), and one was abuse, which to me meant only physical abuse.

Since those things were not in place in my marriage, I figured that with hard work, it would be good, eventually. So “real marriage” came to mean “hard work” to me. [Yet my parents had a great marriage that never seemed like work to either of them!]

I did not realize the reality of emotional and verbal abuse I was immersed in until later. I also learned that woman who are physically abused say the bruises and broken bones are nothing compared to the devastating effects of verbal abuse. Then I learned of Narcissist Personality Disorder, which gave all the answers that my years of hard work could never uncover. (Narcissism is a kind of terminal selfishness, and as Elizabeth says, and that is a marriage-killer - and one that the unselfishness of one spouse cannot cure.)

Gregory Popcak’s book For Better Forever was really instructive to me in getting my marriage in perspective. He teaches about a “Relationship Pathway”, describing 6 or 7 different types of marriages, worst to best, falling within three categories: from “Impoverished” to “Conventional” to “Exceptional”.

I realized that while alcoholic or physically-abusive marriages were the worst kind of impoverished marriage - he calls these “Deadly”, mine was mostly also in that "Impoverished category, being mostly just one step up the pathway, “Shipwrecked”. (And my hard work over the years was my effort to haul us up into the “Conventional” category, while my husband worked to maintain our “Shipwrecked” status quo.

My guess is that the lower your marriage is in the relationship pathway, the more hard work it seems to be. Particularly if only one of you sees a need for improvement!

Back to the dilema of the OP, I’d say his marriage is severely impoverished and that Popcak could offer him some excellent perspctive. For “Psalm23now” to have a straying mind and fantasies of a way out while living in such an impoverished state is no surprise. I only hope he rises to his best self and does not act on his impulses but instead seeks a Godly path through the very bad situation. The choices he makes now will affect him the rest of his life. I hope he can rise to the occasion.

 

[Nepenthe]

I’ve known a few people with Bp, most of them not TOO badly but definitely needed to stay on meds, and had a couple friends who had a parent with terribly severe Bp…and of course, one of the biggest problems with that disorder is the loathing they feel for taking those meds. It’s so hard.

One of these friends with moderate Bp was a roommate of mine in my house, and I was struggling to overcome heroin addiction, and we had a deal…if she saw me slipping away, or even suspected, she’d get RIGHT on my case and stop me before I went off the rails (lol, once she flipped out because I was whitening my teeth, and I forgot and left the sharpless syringe used for the whitening gel on the bathroom counter…dear lady, I thank her for that concern to this day!)-and if I suspected she was dodging her meds, which would happen now and then since they ARE pretty unfun, the aversion just makes people ‘forget’, I’d remind her and insist that ‘you just gotta, okay? It’s my house, but that’s not the point - the point is I have SEEN what can happen when people don’t take em, and you do NOT want that!’ And it worked out pretty well!

But yeah, sounds to me like both of you made a bit of a bad decision to marry without enough consideration, and that there may very well be grounds for annulment, as far as I, an unbeliever, understand the Catholic stance. Friendship is the primary base for love and marriage especially, and not just any friendship either, but the ability to either watch the six or take point for each other, at all times, depending on whose skills match the particular situation, NOT pity. Compassion, quite possibly, but that is another matter, and again, requires pretty deep understanding. I’ve seen quite a few very wise posts here, and suggest you look into it further, yet I would not have you feel you must abandon this person either.

Myself, I am fortunate - but by no means perfect. My spouse Mirdath and I are ever-vigilant for each others’ mental and physical well-being though, and would likely remain married even if we were not attracted sexually anymore, since we really are that close.

Oh, I should just shut up and offer my hope and sympathy - others have already answered better. But I wanted to open my heart a little to you, in that spirit that you have shown and the other posters.

 

[ElisabethM]

The last few years have shown me that my arrogance in believing it was somehow due to our “goodness” left me unable to see that I had been blessed by God. Now, in the times of trial and in the heat of the desert, I long for the joy and closeness of those good times. They both mock me and inspire me to hope that somehow - in God’s miraculous works - it could happen again.

. . .

Neither my wife nor I are bad people. No one cheated, no one broke vows. We love each other in the sense that we choose to stay together and work for the common good; we do not fight, we do not display inappropriate attitudes toward the other. We have lost emotional attachments - perhaps forever, perhaps not. If we were secular, we would be divorced. We are not, however, and I believe we both want things to go back to the way they were. It takes work just to show up everyday and hope that is the day things turn around.

But the work in this situation is not just waiting around for things to return to what they once were. Perhaps, in the beginning, just staying after the realization that the “honeymoon is over” (and it seems your honeymoon lasted a REALLY long time) is work, but it is the very first step. The work is in rebuilding your marriage, not recreating the honeymoon phase, but making something better. You are right, this is where divorce happens. You either say “adios” or renew your marriage vows.

If you haven’t read it, Greg Popcak’s book on marriage, For Better Forever, is very good. My husband and I used this book as part of our marriage rebuilding work with good results. We also used Mr. Popcak’s tele-counseling services, and read several other marriage-building books (even JP II’s Theology of the Body–Christopher West’s edition). We have found that we can’t stop working on our marriage and wait for things to get better. We meet every morning, whether we feel like it or not, from 6:30-7:00 to pray the Daily Office, read the Mass readings for the day, and then read a marriage-building book together. We are very far from where we would like to be in our marriage, but we are moving forward.

EM

 

[whatevergirl]

Don’t work on your house for a while…stop doing laundry, stop cleaning…stop grocery shopping…stop changing the oil in your car…and eventually, things will be in complete disarray.

Same with marriage. It needs effort to function properly.

Maybe thomfra means that his marriage is…effortless. But, really, it probably just ‘seems’ that way,because thom…you and your wife have done a great job, it seems, in tuning in to one another’s needs, and bring out the best in each other. That actually takes some effort still, to keep things running smoothly. (but if it seems effortless, that’s a beautiful thing in your marriage, thom!) :harp:

 

[Galnextdoor]

I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 3 years. I would appreciate some advice or wisdom on what to do in this situation. Anything is helpful.

Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

She came from a horrible family life and was often abused by her parents. I know I should have broke up with her years before we were married… but I was always optimistic that things would get better. And I truly felt sorry for her.

I would say that 90% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more… I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn’t pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by. (I would give anything to find that woman)

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like “the right thing to do” is to grin and bear it. Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.

Here’s my real problem… I have lost ALL sexual desire for my wife and I am constantly looking towards other women in hopes of finding my “soul-mate.” It has come to the point where I can no longer even have sex with my wife. I can’t even fake it anymore.

Has anyone been in this position before?

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Hi,

If your looking at other women and wishing you never married your wife, your wife knows. She may be even more depressed and use your feelings as an excuse to refuse to take her medication.
I would suggest that you treat your wife the way Jesus treated the Church. He sacrificed his life for it. I suggest that you read the Theology of the Body by JPll or Christopher Wests Theology of the Body for Beginners.

I would suggest that you pray with your wife. It’s very difficult to disdain someone that you pray with. Look at your wife as someone possessed of human dignity and instead of thinking about sex, think about providing physical comfort to her. Give to her and challenge her to give back. Be a model of Christian love to her. I know it’s difficult, but nobody ever said life was easy.

Whenever you think about your wife, force yourself to think of 5 great things about her. This helps in two ways. 1) If your thinking about the good things, you can’t focus on the bad. 2) You will be more positively disposed towards her when you see her.

Don’t criticize her. I just mentioned that in case you do.

You should also set out to try to create one small positive moment for both of you each day. Don’t expect anything in return. Just do it for the sake of your heart. Those moments will give you more pleasant things to dwell on when you are feeling down about your wife’s condition.

You should also talk to her about how not taking her medication is affecting the relationship between the two of you. Don’t tell her the part about finding other women attractive, that will break her heart.

These are all things I did or wished my ex did before he started telling me that I should leave him, because he didn’t love me anymore.

Don’t harden your heart against her. Think of things from her perspective. Try to show her what real love should be. From the sound of it, she hasn’t had much of that in her life.

I will pray for you.