Not attracted to my wife

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psalm23now:
No one her can know what you are going through no matter how we try or some say they will so please take the kind guidance and the blunt responses with due understanding. I do have experience dealing with a spouse who does not take her medications and that causes strain in the marriage. Like you I see others in happy relations and wish my marital situation were similar. I also see women whom seem like they would be someone whom I would like to wake up to every morning. Many years ago I married a woman whom I felt that way about and things did not turn out as well as I thought. The thing is when you see someone on the street, you only see one side that they want you to see. In a marriage you have to take the bad with the good, as well as the really bad occasionally. Also realize that if you married when you were in your 20s, if all goes well you could be looking at 50 years of marriage, physical attractiveness only goes so far. All couples have to deal with the reality that their respective spouses will only be physically attractive for a short period of the relationship. From that point forward there needs to be something more Hopefully you will find a way to kindle a friendship with your spouse based on something other than a physisical attraction. Possibly a sharred hobby, a sharred interest in music, or maybe just a family relationship that you will be there for each other even if it is in a plutonic way.

With that being said, you (and every other decent person on the plannet) have a cross to bear. This may be your cross. For strength in dealing with it, you may want to join a men’s group at your church.
 
I did not realize that your wife did not take her medication. That puts a different spin on the whole thing. You truly have a cross to bear as the previous poster stated. I would tend to concur with what he has said.

Praying for a miracle for you and your wife.

Blessings,
 
Well…I’m going to break with the pack here and suggest you may never have formed the mutual consent necessary to enter into marriage and therefore may never have had a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church. I am the farthest thing from an expert, but you were not honest with your wife before your marriage and may not have ever given her a REAL chance to consent to the obligations and vows she was undertaking–being unaware of your true state of mind from the outset. This is not merely a matter of attraction. I would urge you to consult a priest on this issue, perhaps several. You may be a candidate for an annulment. You owe at least the effort of inquiry to your wife who deserves to be married to a man who loves her, not just one who pities her.
 
Wow - my prayers will be with you and your wife…I couldn’t imagine being in such a marriage…I will totally applaud you though for bringing this forward to us, your brothers and sisters…may you find some comfort here.

Your testimony sounds exactly (and I MEAN EXACTLY) like my husband’s marriage to his first wife (I’m #2). Married her to rescue her, be the knight-in-shining armour, then woke up one day and was miserable. From abuse when she was younger, she had a real distain for men, and my beautiful husband is a very emotional, loving man…needing validation, reassurance that he’s doing an amazing job as a father/husband and that he’s appreciated…after 23 years, he had an affair and of course was painted as the bad guy - which he admits was awful. His guilt at breaking up his family is something he carries with him daily, eventhough he has a new family now). I applaud you for getting help, not seeking a woman.

I have to keep reminding him that he needs to forgive himself as he has been forgiven by Christ. I pray that you find the help you need - even if it means looking into the validity of your marriage…the guilt is horrific.

Blessings,
Holly
 
The best thing you can do for yourself before you make any decisions regarding ending your marriage is to pray for guidence in finding and meeting with a knowledgeable Christian counselor to find out if you yourself have any troubling issues that get you into situations like you now find yourself in. You may only end up going through life one crisis after another crisis otherwise.

Get answers to questions like why you did marry someone you didn’t truly love (your choice) if that’s the case… what you did get out of the relationship with your wife that caused you to stay with her (your choice) for the time you have… why you chose to get involved in other sexual relationships before resolving your marital issues one way or another, (your choice and a major major boo boo, you crippled yourself by falling into that situation)… and so on. You yourself may have problems you don’t recognize which is not uncommon. “you may be your own worst enemy”. If you now think you married her for the wrong reasons, it wouldn’t be wise to end the marriage for the wrong reasons also.

As far as your Wife’s depression, the most difficult thing to convince a seriously depressed person of (one who doesn’t want go on living) is that life is worth taking medication for, they can’t comprehend that easily. It takes several weeks to even find out if a given medication will work while the sufferer is looking for immediate releaf and if it doesn’t work, weeks more to try another medication and so on. It takes a great deal of love, patience and strengthening the relationship between you and your wife with God to in order to make it through such a period but for two people who do love each other, its worth fighting for.
 
IslandOak,
i’d wondered if the marriage wasn’t invaslid, too,. but for other reasons.
*was your wife on her medications when she married you? if not, her ability to consent may have been diminished. it may be grounds for annulment.
*when you married, were you and your wife open to children and marrying according to the mind of the church? again, there may be invalidation here.
*there may be other invalidaties too.
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but you bring up a really good point-- OP’s consent may likewise present impediment.
 
psalm23now said:
…It’s a decision I regret everyday of my life, but I just felt sorry for her. She is 5 years older than me and she was convinced that no one would ever love her. I should also mention that she is Bipolar. Every person she dated before me realized this, and promptly broke up with her. I guess I wanted to be her “knight in shining armor.” My mistake…
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You wanted to be a knight in shining armor? You’ve got your chance now.

You want to wake up amazed at the woman sleeping next to you? Be amazed at a woman who struggles daily with mental illness and whose husband only married her because he felt sorry for her and who stays with man who looks at other women lustfully while not wanting to look at her.

The boyfriends that previously dumped her will feel like nothing compared to the pain you will cause if you dump her.

If you don’t have any interest in having sex with your wife it might not be a bad thing. She’s has a mental illness and refuses proper treatment. Surely you realize that sex can result in babies.

Do you have a child or children? If so, do whatever is in their best interest. I am very sorry for both you and your wife. I will pray for both of you.
 
Well, it took a whole 25 posts to start the “invalid marriage” topic. Usually that’s on post ten or so, but that is when a woman is complaining about her husband.

I start by believing that you are married and the marriage is sacred in the eyes of God. I refuse to be swayed by a few anonymous internet people who seem to love to tell people to split. I didn’t even see who posted, so this is just a blanket statement, not a persona indictment of anyone. I really, really, really hate how quickly these threads turn into disolve-it threads.

Now, the best advice I saw was “man up”. Unless you were high, drunk or coerced, you said “I do” of your own will. That means you have a life-time to make this marriage work.

If you don’t want to sleep-walk through life, then don’t. If you want to wake up next to woman who you are amazed by, then do it. The choice is yours. You have been offered some very powerful tools here, but that’s all they are: tools. The attitude is yours.

Love is both a choice and an emotion. You control the parts that keeps you loving her with your will; the emotion thing is sometimes out of your control. It’s also not promised to you. It was not in the vows.

Do you think there are not other guys out there who have to make a conscious choice every day to love their wife? (I know, women make the same choice, but we’re talking to a man here). Do you think that everyone out there has a life of daisies and bunnies floating across open fields of chocolate?

Every marriage represented in this forum has its ups and downs. The people who honor their commitments and try to make things better are known by a special name: grown ups. These people put their own interests behind that of their spouses and their children. It sounds harsh, but it comes with the “I do”.

What you’re advocating, along with the “dissolve it” gang, is chaos. Enter and exit a marriage whenever the bells and flowers fade. Make a promise and abandon it because something else feels right. Bah. Double-Bah. And, to the “dissolve it gang” - triple bah.

Start by praying to be the man you are called to be. To love your wife as Christ loves the church. Then, pray to be free of your selfish desires. Next, pray to have your temptations removed. Do it every day. Multiple times.

Now, start putting your wife first and you second. Be her servant. In humble gratitude that she is your wife. Pretend the emotion you desire and you’ll be surprised if that emotion doesn’t become real eventually.

No, no easy way out. No “maybe you weren’t…”, no excuses, no get out of jail free card. You know what you need to do, or you’d be posting this as the “Swingers Forum” on another site. You are looking to be held accountable, and to have people give you good advice, righteous advice, Biblical advice.

You have had a lot of posts that do that. I urge you to heed them.
 
GhostMan said:
Well, it took a whole 25 posts to start the “invalid marriage” topic. Usually that’s on post ten or so, but that is when a woman is complaining about her husband.

I start by believing that you are married and the marriage is sacred in the eyes of God. I refuse to be swayed by a few anonymous internet people who seem to love to tell people to split. I didn’t even see who posted, so this is just a blanket statement, not a persona indictment of anyone. I really, really, really hate how quickly these threads turn into disolve-it threads.

Now, the best advice I saw was “man up”. Unless you were high, drunk or coerced, you said “I do” of your own will. That means you have a life-time to make this marriage work.

If you don’t want to sleep-walk through life, then don’t. If you want to wake up next to woman who you are amazed by, then do it. The choice is yours. You have been offered some very powerful tools here, but that’s all they are: tools. The attitude is yours.

Love is both a choice and an emotion. You control the parts that keeps you loving her with your will; the emotion thing is sometimes out of your control. It’s also not promised to you. It was not in the vows.

Do you think there are not other guys out there who have to make a conscious choice every day to love their wife? (I know, women make the same choice, but we’re talking to a man here). Do you think that everyone out there has a life of daisies and bunnies floating across open fields of chocolate?

Every marriage represented in this forum has its ups and downs. The people who honor their commitments and try to make things better are known by a special name: grown ups. These people put their own interests behind that of their spouses and their children. It sounds harsh, but it comes with the “I do”.

What you’re advocating, along with the “dissolve it” gang, is chaos. Enter and exit a marriage whenever the bells and flowers fade. Make a promise and abandon it because something else feels right. Bah. Double-Bah. And, to the “dissolve it gang” - triple bah.

Start by praying to be the man you are called to be. To love your wife as Christ loves the church. Then, pray to be free of your selfish desires. Next, pray to have your temptations removed. Do it every day. Multiple times.

Now, start putting your wife first and you second. Be her servant. In humble gratitude that she is your wife. Pretend the emotion you desire and you’ll be surprised if that emotion doesn’t become real eventually.

No, no easy way out. No “maybe you weren’t…”, no excuses, no get out of jail free card. You know what you need to do, or you’d be posting this as the “Swingers Forum” on another site. You are looking to be held accountable, and to have people give you good advice, righteous advice, Biblical advice.

You have had a lot of posts that do that. I urge you to heed them.
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👍 :clapping:

I have a brother who married a woman that seems a lot like the OP’s situation (she has a couple of different mental illnesses…not sure if one is bipolar…but I know OCD is one of them…)

anyway…this is exactly what he did…he “manned up” and he has worked through so much with his wife and I am so proud of him and the work he (and she) have put into their marriage.

Truly inspiring examples!

I will keep you, OP, and your wife in our family prayers.
 
psalm23now said:
Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

Why did you really marry her then? Was is because you were lonely or just because of family or your own moral pressure? I think that’s the first question you need to ask yourself. I don’t buy the “felt sorry for her reason”.

I would say that 90% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more… I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn’t pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by. (I would give anything to find that woman)

I think you need to wake yourself up and realize you don’t live in a fantasy world portrayed on tv where everything and everyone is perfect, love and relationships have to be perfect and everyone should expect to be happy and desirable 100% of the time. That’s complete fiction and has no basis in reality. :rolleyes: "Lived happily ever after only happens in fairy tales

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like “the right thing to do” is to grin and bear it. Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.

You need counciling. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t love me for myself and had to grin and bare it. You’re doing a disservice to your wife by living that way. Love is work but it’s also a decision. If you’re not willing to work at it then maybe you should let her go. Frankly I think she desserves better.

Here’s my real problem… I have lost ALL sexual desire for my wife and I am constantly looking towards other women in hopes of finding my “soul-mate.” It has come to the point where I can no longer even have sex with my wife. I can’t even fake it anymore.

Has anyone been in this position before?

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.
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I will pray for you but I seriously encourage you to look into counciling and stop thinking so much of yourself and your own needs. :rolleyes:
 
Your immortal soul is what matters the most, so since you are married you must take custody of your eyes and your thoughts, asking God always for the grace to do so. Don’t dwell alone with what you want; that spells disaster. Spend time alone before God pouring out these desires to him, asking Him for His graces to obey His every direction.

Meanwhile the situation really needs some professional, truly Catholic advice. I highly reccommend consulting with Gregory Popcak at www.exceptionalmarriages.com - he understands all kinds of marraiges, and as you can see from his marriage books. He knows all about the bottom-of-the-barrel ones like yours and what to do with them.

The question of validity came into my mind too. I understand the poster who is so disturbed by this, but there are marriages that are not real marriages because one or both is not able to make and/or keep the vow, and many people do not realize this, or are in denial about that reality, because of their own personal experiences perhaps.

Certainly none of us can give any advice on validity, but it is worth getting wise and truly Catholic counsel on. Ultimately it is something you will stand before God about, so be sure you know in your heart what is His will.

Personally I would wonder how you can have a valid marraige with a bi-polar person because that is a major disorder. But people do it. A friend of mine, now out-of-state, has been married 20 years to a bi-polar man. It wasn’t diagnosed until 10 rocky crazy years into it. He got on meds, but he did not like feeling so blah - the ups and downs were much more stimulating and lively for him.

She had to have a lot of counseling, and also last I heard was attending a support group for spouses of bi-polar. One thing she learned to do is put her foot down: the marraige is conditional - if he wants her to stay, he HAS to take his meds! He wanted her to stay, so he takes his meds. That eliminated the perpetual upheaveals and crisies he was getting the family into. But good thing she is a strong person because she had to take on fulltime work and pretty much carry the family. (Come to think of it I have not heard from her in three years and I sure hope she is hanging in there okay.)
 
Divorce is not an option if you are a Catholic. You made vows and you must keep them.

You must be there for your wife in sickness and in health. She is ill, and you need to support her. The first thing you should do is encourage her to take her medication.

God has joined you and your wife together for a reason. It was meant to be. I’ll pray for you.
 
Dempsey1919 said:
Divorce is not an option if you are a Catholic. You made vows and you must keep them.

You must be there for your wife in sickness and in health. She is ill, and you need to support her. The first thing you should do is encourage her to take her medication.

God has joined you and your wife together for a reason. It was meant to be. I’ll pray for you.
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What if this marriage could be determined to be invalid? Seems to me there is a LOT of fodder here for a tribunal…

The indissolubility of valid sacramental marriages does not mean that every apparent marriage should be kept intact.
 
duskyjewel said:
…The indissolubility of valid sacramental marriages does not mean that every apparent marriage should be kept intact.
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To me that seems an obvious truth. But I have personally experienced a marriage that should never have been (and it only lasted so long by my dogged effort) so I know.

I wonder if Dempsey would agree that the above statement is an obvious truth?.
 
duskyjewel said:
What if this marriage could be determined to be invalid? Seems to me there is a LOT of fodder here for a tribunal…

The indissolubility of valid sacramental marriages does not mean that every apparent marriage should be kept intact.
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At this point I would consider validity of the marriage to be a moot point. His long term options include annulment, counceling, prayer support. All of these are predicated with a first step of consulting with a priest. As such I think it would be ill advised to seek an annulment. He should bring the situation - as is- to the church and seek the church’s assistance in resolving the problem with out dictating a preconceived solution. If he goes in good faith with the intent of doing what is right annulment may or may not be the right outcome.
 
…The indissolubility of valid sacramental marriages does not mean that every apparent marriage should be kept intact.
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I agree with this statement. However, divorce or annulment should be the last resort. I would encourage them to seek marrige counselling first.

Wanting a better looking wife is not a reason for divorce. The fact that she suffers from an illness is not a reason to look for an excuse for an annulment.

Is nobody thinking about this poor woman? It is not her fault that she has a mental illness, nor is it her fault that her husband does not find her attractive.

The OP should stay with his wife and work to strengthen his marriage and relationship. Marriage is a vocation! And he must do what he can to bring that spark back into his relationship.

Issues like this are never easy; and they are never black and white. However, he should not abandon his wife in her time of need. I hope that this couple can resolve their issues and can fall back in love with each other.
 
I was gonna say…you can’t even go about an annulment without a civil divorce anyway. And one would hope that a couple would do all they could to WORK on the marriage before seeking that option.
 
There is another option that seems to be neglected here, and that is the option for the OP to temporarily move out for a while. One problem, IMHO, is that spouses of the mentally ill can, despite their best intentions, become enablers of some very bad behavior. By moving out temporarily, it can force the person with the mental illness to either confront their issues, or at least live more fully with the consequences of their behavior.
 
psalm23now said:
I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 3 years. I would appreciate some advice or wisdom on what to do in this situation. Anything is helpful.

Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

She came from a horrible family life and was often abused by her parents. I know I should have broke up with her years before we were married… but I was always optimistic that things would get better. And I truly felt sorry for her.

I would say that 90% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more… I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn’t pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by. (I would give anything to find that woman)

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like “the right thing to do” is to grin and bear it. Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.

Here’s my real problem… I have lost ALL sexual desire for my wife and I am constantly looking towards other women in hopes of finding my “soul-mate.” It has come to the point where I can no longer even have sex with my wife. I can’t even fake it anymore.

Has anyone been in this position before?

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.
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I haven’t slogged through all the replies here. But I know a little about bipolar disorder. I have a daughter with bp plus my dad was bipolar, so I understand how hard it can be. Of course as a mother, I could never dream of abandoning my child, but I know that there were times when my own mother considered leaving my father, although thankfully she never did. It took mom a while to learn how to deal with Dad, when to stand up to him and when to back off, but in general she became really good at this and she kept her children safe from his tyrannical ways. He was a good man, I loved him despite all his faults, I know he really loved us and did his best.

You’re still very early on into your marriage, and marriage in general involves huge adjustments. I can tell by what you’ve written that you have so much to learn about marriage and that you have no idea of what marriage really is yet. I want to encourage you that it is possible for you to fall in love with your wife. Yes.🙂 If you are in a Sacramental marriage, then you’re received supernatural graces. Christ himself has promised to give you these graces. So I urge to sit tight and avail yourself of these graces; for goodness sake, don’t go anywhere!!! It would be the worst mistake you could ever make.

I know when a spouse contemplates leaving, one of the first mantras that is raised is, “I never loved him/her.” I’m not saying you’re wrong, but it’s just a little food for thought.

I’ll keep you and your wife in my prayers. God bless.
 
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