Not calling Mom on Mothers Day

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Akiliane

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Me and my Mom have not had the best relationship… She has always put men before me. She would let men come into our home when I was a teenager and she would allow them to try and control me. She never calls to check on me, and she never comes to visit me.

Long story short; my Grandmother (who basically raised me) told me to call my Mom on Mother’s day, but deep down inside I feel like she does not deserve that. Because it would be like saying that what she has done in the past is ok, and me calling her would not be sincere from my heart… Is it wrong to feel this way. I love my Mom and I have always respected her. But I feel like I have to draw the line somewhere.
 
Call her anyway, whether you want to or not.

We only get one mom & dad in life. There will come a time when you can’t call them because they’re not there anymore. Call them while you can.

Plus: It’s a phone call for crying out loud. Don’t be the heel who won’t call their mother on Mother’s Day. So she wasn’t perfect. Neither are you. 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
 
If Mother’s Day weren’t tomorrow, I’d say send a card instead. But yes, I think it’s a good idea to acknowledge the day.

The phone call doesn’t have to be long; it doesn’t have to be full of “you’re the best mom everrrrrrr.” It can be short: “Hi Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. How are you?” And then if things get hairy, you can end the call - “Well, I have to run, but I did want to make sure to call you today. Bye!”

That’s all it needs to be.

(And re: her not keeping in touch - that’s surprisingly common even with relationships that are otherwise not strained. My parents never think to call me. My mom realized three months late that she had missed my birthday when she discovered the card she had meant to send under a pile of stuff. It’s just the way they are. So, if I want to maintain contact with them, I have to do most of the actual contacting. I’ve learned to be OK with that. For other reasons like you mention you may not want to do that, but failing to call or keep in touch is not relegated only to the realm of crazy dysfunctional relationships.)
 
Call her. It doesn’t have to be a long call. Have a reason ready for cutting it off if things start to get tense.
 
Akiliane said:
But I feel like I have to draw the line somewhere.
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Not sure why you believe this is the right place and right time to “draw the line”. In fact, what line is there that needs to be drawn?

Sounds to me like a passive aggressive way to hurt your mother. “I’ll show her, I’ll draw a line she doesn’t know about and not call her. Then she’ll be hurt that I didn’t call. It’ll be payback for the hurt she caused me ten years ago. SO THERE.”

Um, not very adult or Christian.
 
Do you have her e-mail?

Maybe you can send her an e-card or something?

I think my husband might be doing that.

He is in a very similar situation as you and really doesn’t like talking to his mother. I don’t encourage it because it is a toxic relationship.

I’m going against the grain here and disagreeing with some of the other posters.
I know how toxic my MIL can be and I know it makes my husband uncomfortable dealing with her selfishness sometimes.

They don’t communicate with each other besides e-mail and that is okay. I think an e-card might be better under the circumstances.
Plus, you can still send one at the last minute.
 
By all means, contact her. It doesn’t have to be by phone. If you do call her, and she starts in with something that really bothers her, say something like, "Mom, I really don’t want to talk about that now. I don’t want the two of use to end up arguing about this sort of stuff. If that’s all you have to say, then maybe we can talk again later.)
 
The really low end approach (which I’m not necessarily endorsing) is a Mother’s Day text.

You note the occasion, but it’s pretty much literally the least effort possible.

If you do nothing else, try that. Saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” doesn’t mean “You were the bestest mom ever and I love you to pieces and want to be just like you!” it just means, “Hey, it’s Mother’s Day, and you’re a mother.”

Good luck!
 
Totally disagree with “email instead of call.”

Emailing is a lousy substitute for picking up the phone and, frankly, IMHO am email is a cowards way of communicating. Too many young people today can’t communicate properly because all they do is text, text, text, and have no idea how real communication works.

She’s still your mom. Pick up the phone. Keep it short if you absolutely must, but I think 1ke was spot on.

If you can’t have a 30 second phone call with a family member, sorry, the problem doesn’t lie with them.
 
PolarGuy said:
Totally disagree with “email instead of call.”

Emailing is a lousy substitute for picking up the phone and, frankly, IMHO am email is a cowards way of communicating. Too many young people today can’t communicate properly because all they do is text, text, text, and have no idea how real communication works.

She’s still your mom. Pick up the phone. Keep it short if you absolutely must, but I think 1ke was spot on.

If you can’t have a 30 second phone call with a family member, sorry, the problem doesn’t lie with them.
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I think there is a category of relative for just email or texting, but I agree that this probably isn’t one of those. I would quibble, though, that a 30 second phone call would be judged by the recipient as being just as pro forma as a text or short email. It’s basically the same thing.

Show of hands, ladies, who among you–even those with terrible relationships with their moms–routinely have 30 second phone conversations with them?
 
Your mother probably knows that she has made bad choices in life and was not the best mother she could have been. She may have guilt and shame on some level over these issues.

Letting go of your anger and forgiving her can be the best thing that you could do for her and for yourself. Call her and tell her that you love her and pray for her every day. Set a good Christian example for her.
 
Call your mom and consider it a way of honoring your grandmother and her wishes.
 
Call your mom, please. I go with -forgive them for they do not know what they do, and love the sinner but not the sin-sort of approach. Ask our Lord to help you get through the pain you suffered from her actions. Let go of it and forgive her. You will never forget what she has done but you can choose to not let it hurt you anymore. Hearing from you can be a giant step in her faith journey. Trust God with the impossible. Praying that love will prevail. God bless you.
 
Call her anyway. God gave you only one Mother; good/bad regardless. She’s still a Mother who made the choice to give you life.
 
Xantippe said:
Show of hands, ladies, who among you–even those with terrible relationships with their moms–routinely have 30 second phone conversations with them?
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30 seconds is hard for the phone except in the case of voicemail, but I do routinely have 5 minute or shorter phone conversations with my mom and other relatives for birthdays, etc.

“Hi it’s pensmama calling to wish you a happy [occasion].”
“Oh it’s so nice to hear from you! How are you and the kids?”
“They’re good! [Insert amusing anecdote if I have it, or just note that they grow fast.]”
“Oh, that’s lovely.”
“How are you doing? How is health issue/hobby/etc?”
“Well it’s good/bad/manageable. [Relative tells brief story about thing if they feel like it.]”
“I’m glad to hear that’s better/not any worse or Well we are thinking about you/praying for you.”
“Thank you.”
“Well I have to do x, y, z thing, but I wanted to make sure I called today and I hope things are going well for you!”
“Thanks so much for calling! Bye bye!”
“Bye!”

It’s very short, but people, especially older people, do appreciate knowing that they are being thought of and remembered. I prefer cards and letters because I’m more “natural” at written correspondence, but the above isn’t a bad formula for when I don’t get around to that. Especially since most of my relatives aren’t very good about the phone either, so they are relieved that I’m willing to start and end the conversation. (When I do call my mother, for example, I have almost complete control over how long the conversation is - almost under no circumstances will she tell me she has to go. So, I can give her a brief “baby update” call after an ultrasound that lasts 5 minutes, or we talk for half an hour or so once a month).

For relatives or others who are pushy though and drag it on forever, having 5-10 ways to say “I have to go” and following through on actually hanging up is essential.
 
pensmama87 said:
30 seconds is hard for the phone except in the case of voicemail, but I do routinely have 5 minute or shorter phone conversations with my mom and other relatives for birthdays, etc.

“Hi it’s pensmama calling to wish you a happy [occasion].”
“Oh it’s so nice to hear from you! How are you and the kids?”
“They’re good! [Insert amusing anecdote if I have it, or just note that they grow fast.]”
“Oh, that’s lovely.”
“How are you doing? How is health issue/hobby/etc?”
“Well it’s good/bad/manageable. [Relative tells brief story about thing if they feel like it.]”
“I’m glad to hear that’s better/not any worse or Well we are thinking about you/praying for you.”
“Thank you.”
“Well I have to do x, y, z thing, but I wanted to make sure I called today and I hope things are going well for you!”
“Thanks so much for calling! Bye bye!”
“Bye!”

It’s very short, but people, especially older people, do appreciate knowing that they are being thought of and remembered. I prefer cards and letters because I’m more “natural” at written correspondence, but the above isn’t a bad formula for when I don’t get around to that. Especially since most of my relatives aren’t very good about the phone either, so they are relieved that I’m willing to start and end the conversation. (When I do call my mother, for example, I have almost complete control over how long the conversation is - almost under no circumstances will she tell me she has to go. So, I can give her a brief “baby update” call after an ultrasound that lasts 5 minutes, or we talk for half an hour or so once a month).

For relatives or others who are pushy though and drag it on forever, having 5-10 ways to say “I have to go” and following through on actually hanging up is essential.
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Yeah.

I was thinking that the shortest possible polite call probably is more in the 3-5 minute range.

Edited to add: at least for a call involving at least one neurotypical female human person.
 
Akiliane said:
Me and my Mom have not had the best relationship… She has always put men before me. She would let men come into our home when I was a teenager and she would allow them to try and control me. She never calls to check on me, and she never comes to visit me.

.
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hmmm…sounds like the same treatment given to Christ by mankind.

We, continually put other things before God, we allowed evil aspects of the world control us, we don’t pray to him often enough, nor do we visit his house as often as we should.

But despite this, he is with us always, even to the end of the ages!

We are called to be like Christ…call your mother!

Peace and all good!
 
^^^^

Crumbs…call her already. :rolleyes:
She’s your mom.
No one who tries to even the score ever does.
It will hurt YOU in the end, after she’s gone.
Better to hold your head high and not have to explain it on the last day.
 
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