Not cohabiting and personality disorders

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I did not cohabiting or sleep with my wife before I go married.
I do agree with the churches teaching, on this subject. I also think it is the right way to do things.

BUT,

After we got married, we find out my wife had a personality disorder. Although I can see now see signs that it present before we got married. It truly was not triggered to until after were married for a couple of years. Being the the same space as someone else, merging of things together, and someone else being in the space as some else is to much for my wife to handle.

Please do not stone me for my next comments/

I realize\know I have grounds for annulment, BUT I am a little jealous of everyone this lives\sleeps together first. I say this because may have \ would have noticed many of the issues before we got married. I am now several years in to a married, we own a home, and now need to break my marriage vow(in part for safety and security. It almost seems like I am penalized for living the faith before I got married. If I would have know certain things I may\would have changed my mind and not married my wife.

I then become frustrated with the catholic churches teaching. (Annulment). Yes, in the eyes of god, our marriage may have not really taken place. BUT I have legal documents, to prove I am married to may wife and NO catholic annulment changes that.

To neighbors, family and friends, I will soon be a divorced person.
 
james076 said:
I did not cohabiting or sleep with my wife before I go married.
I do agree with the churches teaching, on this subject. I also think it is the right way to do things.

BUT,

After we got married, we find out my wife had a personality disorder. Although I can see now see signs that it present before we got married. It truly was not triggered to until after were married for a couple of years. Being the the same space as someone else, merging of things together, and someone else being in the space as some else is to much for my wife to handle.

Please do not stone me for my next comments/

I realize\know I have grounds for annulment, BUT I am a little jealous of everyone this lives\sleeps together first. I say this because may have \ would have noticed many of the issues before we got married. I am now several years in to a married, we own a home, and now need to break my marriage vow(in part for safety and security. It almost seems like I am penalized for living the faith before I got married. If I would have know certain things I may\would have changed my mind and not married my wife.

I then become frustrated with the catholic churches teaching. (Annulment). Yes, in the eyes of god, our marriage may have not really taken place. BUT I have legal documents, to prove I am married to may wife and NO catholic annulment changes that.

To neighbors, family and friends, I will soon be a divorced person.
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I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. 😦 Life can certainly be difficult.

I would encourage you, though, not to overly romanticize “what if” scenarios of how the past might have played out differently. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Thinking along those lines is bound to lead to dissatisfaction and resentment, and it is ultimately based on speculative fantasy, not reality. The truth is, there is no way you can know how things would have played out differently.

You said that your wife’s issues did not surface for years after your wedding. Does that mean all couples should cohabit for years “just in case” it turns out one of them have a personality disorder?

Indeed, the evidence runs counter to that popular misconception. By and large, those who cohabitate are less inclined (not more so) to see the red flags. So I would not assume that it would have solved your problem.

I get it. You are hurting and it is natural to think about how you could have done things differently to avoid this present trial. But, again, such speculation does little to resolve things. It tends to distract and make things worse.

Have you spoken with a priest about these things? Is there any chance at reconciliation?

I will say a prayer for you.
 
Thanks Joe,

I agree most of my feelings are “What if”, and I agree with the the research that people that live together first are “less likely” to see issues. But because it my situation there is still the “What if”

For me the is little of no chance or reconciliation 😦 .

I have talked to different counselors and several priest.

I know most of the things that were said, and happened to me were a result of the mental illness it does not change the fact that happened. Many happened several times and over several years. You can forgive, but not always forget. By not forgetting its hard to rebuild a marriage, or really start a marriage that never really started.

I have talked to some people whom I have entrusted, looking for advice because some must have experienced what I have. No to judge others, but I can almost trump people in for 4 years that have married for 40-50.
 
The studies discovered that if you want a successful marriage, you’re better off moving in together after the wedding. Why is that?

Most couples who live together never get married, but those who do have a divorce rate up to 80 percent higher than those who waited until after the wedding to live together.[3]
Couples who cohabited prior to marriage also have greater marital conflict and poorer communication, and they make more frequent visits to marriage counselors.[4]
Women who cohabited before marriage are more than three times as likely as women who did not to cheat on their husbands within marriage.[5]
The U.S. Justice Department found that women who cohabit are sixty-two times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband.[6]
Women who cohabit are more than three times as likely to be depressed as married women.[7]
Cohabiting couples are less sexually satisfied than those who waited for marriage.[8]

From the standpoint of marital duration, marital peace, marital fidelity, physical safety, emotional well being, and sexual satisfaction, cohabitation is clearly not a recipe for happiness. Even USA Today reported, “Could this be true love? Test it with courtship, not cohabitation.”[9]
 
james076 said:
Thanks Joe,

I agree most of my feelings are “What if”, and I agree with the the research that people that live together first are “less likely” to see issues. But because it my situation there is still the “What if”

For me the is little of no chance or reconciliation 😦 .

I have talked to different counselors and several priest.

I know most of the things that were said, and happened to me were a result of the mental illness it does not change the fact that happened. Many happened several times and over several years. You can forgive, but not always forget. By not forgetting its hard to rebuild a marriage, or really start a marriage that never really started.

I have talked to some people whom I have entrusted, looking for advice because some must have experienced what I have. No to judge others, but I can almost trump people in for 4 years that have married for 40-50.
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Sorry to hear. 😦 Keep talking with those counselors and priests, and avail yourself of the sacraments as much as possible. I will pray for you.
 
“What ifs” are dangerous. Try to avoid thinking about the “what ifs” and “might have beens,” they are toxic to present relationships. Unless you are looking for an excuse to dump your wife and try to start over.
 
james076 said:
I did not cohabiting or sleep with my wife before I go married.
I do agree with the churches teaching, on this subject. I also think it is the right way to do things.

BUT,

After we got married, we find out my wife had a personality disorder. Although I can see now see signs that it present before we got married. It truly was not triggered to until after were married for a couple of years. Being the the same space as someone else, merging of things together, and someone else being in the space as some else is to much for my wife to handle.

Please do not stone me for my next comments/

I realize\know I have grounds for annulment, BUT I am a little jealous of everyone this lives\sleeps together first. I say this because may have \ would have noticed many of the issues before we got married. I am now several years in to a married, we own a home, and now need to break my marriage vow(in part for safety and security. It almost seems like I am penalized for living the faith before I got married. If I would have know certain things I may\would have changed my mind and not married my wife.

I then become frustrated with the catholic churches teaching. (Annulment). Yes, in the eyes of god, our marriage may have not really taken place. BUT I have legal documents, to prove I am married to may wife and NO catholic annulment changes that.

To neighbors, family and friends, I will soon be a divorced person.
Click to expand...
I agree with what Joe said. The stats are in on cohabitation, and they are not good.

Also, there is no guarantee this would have manifested itself when you tow were living together, and it is a very poor way to discern a relationship.

As far as sex goes, it’s a secular/media myth that it helps a relationship or is the “next stage” for any committed couple. It actually can bring even more anxiety, worry and instability into the relationship.

Trust me, you’re not missing out on anything here.

As far as rushing to a divorce, well that’s not good either.
 
I have a few mental disorders that I was diagnosed with after I married. My husband is my number one supporter in my recovery. Reading this post and seeing how the OP is thinking of what ifs and talking about “knowing” an annulment will be granted makes me extremely thankful that my husband truly meant his vows.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I have a few mental disorders that I was diagnosed with after I married. My husband is my number one supporter in my recovery. Reading this post and seeing how the OP is thinking of what ifs and talking about “knowing” an annulment will be granted makes me extremely thankful that my husband truly meant his vows.
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Our vows do include “sickness and health”, “better or worse”. It is definitely impossible for us to foresee every such potentiality before we take our vows. That’s why we need the vows, so that we don’t run away when those hard times come (and they will undoubtedly come).

I am assuming that there is much more to the story for the OP than he has shared (and that’s okay – he doesn’t need to provide all the details to us). If he is talking to priests and counselors in person, I trust they will not guide him quickly to the option of divorce. But going too quickly to divorce or assuming an annulment is a sure thing are definitely mindsets that need to be guarded against. It can lead to the end of a marriage being somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
If the mental illness was only triggered after a couple years of married life, it’s quite possible that you could have lived together and then gotten married without noticing it.

Keep working with trusted counselors and a priest and bear in mind that even if you had broken up after a lengthy cohabitation, that would also have been emotionally very scarring for you. It’s rarely easy to break up with a serious significant other or to have to leave a home.

For anybody else reading this (particularly for young adults who are hoping to get married soon), I would very much encourage you to not be hyper-scrupulous about not spending time together in a boyfriend or girlfriend’s home. I know I occasionally see advice on CAF to couples to spend time together only in public, but there’s a lot to be said for knowing the person on their home turf and seeing how they do stuff at home and to see them at their worst or how they act when nobody else is around. There is often a substantial difference between people’s public and private faces.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I have a few mental disorders that I was diagnosed with after I married. My husband is my number one supporter in my recovery. Reading this post and seeing how the OP is thinking of what ifs and talking about “knowing” an annulment will be granted makes me extremely thankful that my husband truly meant his vows.
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Me too. Our vows are the “glue” that help us honor “for better or for worse” in our marriage. And God knows, I’ve got plenty of problems that made life close to hell for both of us at times, but we stuck. And we’re pretty happy now.

There were times we both thought we’d be happier alone or with other partners. But I’m sure we would have had the same problems even with different partners.
 
Here’s a possible practical solution, if there is some hope of a partial reconciliation?

If your wife has difficulty being with you all the time and having your stuff with her stuff, how about living in opposite halves of a duplex and spending time with each other whenever you feel up to it?
 
james076 said:
I did not cohabiting or sleep with my wife before I go married.
I do agree with the churches teaching, on this subject. I also think it is the right way to do things.

BUT,

After we got married, we find out my wife had a personality disorder. Although I can see now see signs that it present before we got married. It truly was not triggered to until after were married for a couple of years. Being the the same space as someone else, merging of things together, and someone else being in the space as some else is to much for my wife to handle.

Please do not stone me for my next comments/

I realize\know I have grounds for annulment, BUT I am a little jealous of everyone this lives\sleeps together first. I say this because may have \ would have noticed many of the issues before we got married. I am now several years in to a married, we own a home, and now need to break my marriage vow(in part for safety and security. It almost seems like I am penalized for living the faith before I got married. If I would have know certain things I may\would have changed my mind and not married my wife.

I then become frustrated with the catholic churches teaching. (Annulment). Yes, in the eyes of god, our marriage may have not really taken place. BUT I have legal documents, to prove I am married to may wife and NO catholic annulment changes that.

To neighbors, family and friends, I will soon be a divorced person.
Click to expand...
Your legal documents prove that you married with good intention. That does not mean those papers ever guaranteed a marriage that beyond question could not be null.

Consider the alternative: Are you suggesting the Church ought to have allowed you to live together before marriage, which neighbors, family and friends would have correctly seen as fornication, rather than take the chance that you and your spouse might attempt a marriage that had no chance, in which case someone might rashly suppose you are at fault when your mistake was made without bad intention or culpability?

In one case, you would have been guilty and everyone would have known it. In the second case, you would be innocent and a few people would have rashly assumed otherwise. Why prefer the second case? 🤷

You might prefer to have known sooner, of course. The price for that knowledge is higher than you seem to assume, including the price to your reputation.
 
Did you not marry your wife in sickness and in health, for better or for worse? Have you even tried to find a solution to this? Are you only going to love your wife if she is happy and perfect all the time? You are not the first person in the universe to be married to a person with a personality disorder, nor will you be the last. Do the right thing, give it over to God and stand by her.

If you are jealous of others, you should take that to Confession…envy is a sin. And envy is really a sin if you are envious of another person’s sin.
 
I was not going to turn the thread this way… but what about when there is abuse.

I am now ashamed, and afraid to speak out. (FYI, I am currently in a safe place)

So I need to life a lesser person. The physical abuse. But I have could a failure and stupid for most of the married, I am not allowed to communicate with my family, just to name a few.

So the personalty disorder causes my wife to lose control of reactions, but I need to life a life “for better or worse” like so many of you have said.

In part a make this comments,because you read comments and I think. So, I need to honor my vows and me called stupid and a failure. Because it is the sickness that cause my wife to say these things, so I just need to deal with it.
 
james076 said:
I was not going to turn the thread this way… but what about when there is abuse.

I am now ashamed, and afraid to speak out. (FYI, I am currently in a safe place)

So I need to life a lesser person. The physical abuse. But I have could a failure and stupid for most of the married, I am not allowed to communicate with my family, just to name a few.

So the personalty disorder causes my wife to lose control of reactions, but I need to life a life “for better or worse” like so many of you have said.

In part a make this comments,because you read comments and I think. So, I need to honor my vows and me called stupid and a failure. Because it is the sickness that cause my wife to say these things, so I just need to deal with it.
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Talk to your priest and if you can get an annulment, get an annulment.

Bear in mind that you would be experiencing almost exactly the same situation if you were unmarried and had been living together–she could still abuse you just as well and you’d feel just as embarrassed about it. In fact, statistically, abuse is more common among the cohabitating than among the married.
 
Abuse is a different kettle of fish. But you can’t apply for an annulment until after the civil divorce.
 
My 2 biggest struggles are this.

I have been told by several priest(s) I can get a annulment, but being told if I get a divorce I can get an annulment is tough for me. Should I just quit my marriage? I am sure there are many successful\happy marriages that may qualify for an annulments. So if you find something out worthy of annulment does that mean should you just quit, I so NO.

Yes, abuse is a different thing, but “In sickness and health” if the illness causes you to act out does justify it? Something I think it does…
 
james076 said:
My 2 biggest struggles are this.

I have been told by several priest(s) I can get a annulment, but being told if I get a divorce I can get an annulment is tough for me. Should I just quit my marriage? I am sure there are many successful\happy marriages that may qualify for an annulments. So if you find something out worthy of annulment does that mean should you just quit, I so NO.

Yes, abuse is a different thing, but “In sickness and health” if the illness causes you to act out does justify it? Something I think it does…
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You’re a victim of abuse.

Give yourself some time and space to clear your head and think clearly before taking any major steps.

A legal separation might be a good idea though, mostly in order to officially separate your finances and insure that if she goes wacko and charges up $80k in debt (which can be done in a surprisingly short period of time), you will not be responsible for half.
 
james076 said:
My 2 biggest struggles are this.

I have been told by several priest(s) I can get a annulment, but being told if I get a divorce I can get an annulment is tough for me. Should I just quit my marriage? I am sure there are many successful\happy marriages that may qualify for an annulments. So if you find something out worthy of annulment does that mean should you just quit, I so NO.

Yes, abuse is a different thing, but “In sickness and health” if the illness causes you to act out does justify it? Something I think it does…
Click to expand...
No, the fact that the abuse stems from an illness does not mean you have to just sit tight and endure it. You should do what you can to help your spouse deal with their sickness but that does not mean continuing to live with them and accepting their abuse. In fact, often doing this only ends up enabling the abusing spouse which does the exact opposite of actually help them. And sometimes, there really is nothing you can do but pray for them from a safe distance.

What the Church has to say about when a married couple may morally separate.
Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.
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vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P45.HTM

There are no exceptions for the spouse causing mental or physical danger or even simply making common life too difficult being sick. If such harm is occurring to either the spouse or the children then there is a legitimate reason for the spouses to separate. This is true even if the marriage is clearly valid. Do not believe the lie that since your spouse’s behaviour stems from an illness you are obliged to suffer abuse. That is not at all Catholic teaching on the matter.
 
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