Not feminine enough?

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Flame4

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When I was about 10 I was involved in some sports which required me to be “tough”. At least that’s how I percieved it; the other girls would exclude me because they thought I wasn’t tough enough and too girly. I started adopting their mannerisms, which were more boyish, in order to fit it. I also developed a fear of appering weak.

I am worried that I have carried these fears and mannerisms into my life now, and therefore appear not feminine enough. I wear jeans mostly (they’re comfy and where I live its pretty cold most of the time for skirts), but I would say I wear feminine clothing in other respects, do my hair and makeup- I’m usually quite simple with these things because I’m a student and I’m more concerned with studying than getting up early to fix my hair.

In terms of behaviour: I’ve believe godly women are not weak damsals in distress, but willing to show courage and do their daily duties. I would say I’m independent, I do my work and get around without too much help (I ask when I need it). I appreciate people holding doors for me, but I don’t require it, I even hold doors for others. Some of my female friends seem to need people around them to do anything, even go to the bathroom… I’m worried my “independence” is being making me appear masculine. (When I need help, I’m not too proud to ask however.)

I also fear being seen as weak, so I think I go back to those old mannerisms I relied on as a child to appear tough: taking a more “tough” stance, hunching up a bit, etc. I only do this in professional environemnts ( school, work).
I’m also not much of a flirt. When I talk to boys I’m friendly, but I think I apply the above mannerisms unless I know them well.

I’m happy to be female and I want to be a woman of God, but I’m worried I’m not feminine enough. Am I just concentrating on the superficial?
Thanks and God Bless
 
Women come in all varieties. Be yourself! I have some more traditionally “masculine” traits, too. I remember in high school hearing that boys were afraid of me because I was competitive, academiclly inclined, rarely got emotional about stuff and spoke bluntly. I had another friend who never wore a spot of makeup, never did her hair, wore baggy clothes (she refused to ever wear the uniform skirt - I refused to wear the pants) and was all CIF in three sports. We’re both happily married Catholic moms now. There is a lid for every pot!
 
Flame, maybe don’t so much worry about how you appear, only whether what you do and say is loving and wise, and authentic. Jesus won’t judge you on appearance, but on how charitable you are. He indicates the necessity of practical kindness when He describes His judgement of souls in Matthew 25 verses 31-46.

You appear to be uncomfortable because you are concerned about how you appear, but so are many people,
however what is most appealing is when a person is simply** true to themselves, but not focusing on themselves**.

Thinking how to get the message across, on being less concerned about one’s own effect on others, and more on being a kind person regarding others…I’m sure you are, but I’m just trying to highlight the message, and a poem came to mind, written anonymously by a Divine Word missionary, that shows the value of those small kindnesses that can make a difference in other people’s lives…and actually, also in our own:

“But”

It was only a sunny smile,
And little it cost in the giving;
But it scattered the night
Like morning light,
And made the day worth living.
Through life’s dark warp a woof it wove
In shining colors of hope and love;
And the angels smiled as they watched above,
Yet little it cost in the giving.

It was only a kindly word, a word that was lightly spoken;
But not in vain,
For it stilled the pain
Of a heart that was nearly broken
It strengthened a faith beset with fears,
And groping blindly through mists of tears,
For light to brighten the coming years,
Although it was lightly spoken.

It was only a helping hand
And it seemed of little availing;
But its clasp was warm,
And it saved from harm
A brother whose strength was failing.
Its touch was tender as angels’ wings
But it rolled the stone from the hidden springs
And pointed the way to higher things,
Though it seemed of little availing.
 
Flame, be yourself! There’s nothing wrong with the way you are. Your personality is not a moral question, and therefore it is irrelevant to being a godly woman. You are who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Besides, God created you with your personality proclivities, and He loves you just the way you are.

My wife is sometimes seen as one of the boys. She’s the only female in our group of about ten close friends. She dislikes going shopping with her sisters, and she cannot understand why her mother and sisters just sit around looking at hair magazines and talking about shopping all the time. I’m not trying to put forth any female stereotype–far from it! I’m just saying that there are all kinds of female personalities, and though my wife is one of the boys, I very much consider her feminine.

Hope this makes sense. 🙂
 
You’re fine.

Feminity is not defined by clothes or mannerisms. “Feminine” clothing and attitudes can vary over time and from culture to culture too. What you are concerned about are cultural identifiers and stereotypes. Whether you love beer or knitting or both, it doesn’t matter. True feminity is universal.

Holding doors open for others is just a nice thing to do. We should all be doing it indiscriminately.
 
I’ll repeat what others have said – be yourself. You are beautiful just as you are in the eyes of God. What others think is truly not important but it has taken me many years to figure that out.

God bless you.
 
Soren_Itenu said:
Flame, be yourself! There’s nothing wrong with the way you are. Your personality is not a moral question, and therefore it is irrelevant to being a godly woman. You are who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Besides, God created you with your personality proclivities, and He loves you just the way you are.
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Kit15 said:
Whether you love beer or knitting or both, it doesn’t matter. True femininity is universal.
Click to expand...
JackieMom said:
Women come in all varieties.
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Trishie said:
Flame, maybe don’t so much worry about how you appear, only whether what you do and say is loving and wise, and authentic. Jesus won’t judge you on appearance, but on how charitable you are. He indicates the necessity of practical kindness when He describes His judgement of souls in Matthew 25 verses 31-46.

You appear to be uncomfortable because you are concerned about how you appear, but so are many people,
however what is most appealing is when a person is simply** true to themselves, but not focusing on themselves**.
Click to expand...
Well, whaddya know. One of my favorite topics and I have *nothing *to add. 😃
 
Take a look at Esther, Judith and Deborah. These three women of the Bible were certainly no doormats. (I’m sure there are plenty of others but they came to my mind, first).

I doubt anyone here would seriously question their femininity.
 
I’m not outwardly very “feminine”, either. I have super short hair (dh actually prefers it that way!), rarely wear dresses, and make-up only if we’re going on a “date” or to Mass (and not all the time at Mass, depends on how the morning is going). I am “womanly”, though. I’m very heterosexual, I’ve birthed 6 children, and nursed 5 of them. My outward appearance doesn’t define me. I’m a Godly woman, no matter what I look like.

In Christ,
Ellen
 
Flame,

A lot of good advice has been given and I agree with a lot of it; be yourself – always. It is best to show your true self, not some false perceived self that you think others want you to be. That way when you meet someone they know and can accept you for who and how you are.

As a side note, a lot of men (I am one of them) prefer women that are strong, independent and are not afraid to show their true self.

Again do not fall into the thought process that you have to be what others expect you to be, you should expect others to accept you for you and how you are.

May God bless and keep you always.

Winter
 
You sound perfectly fine and normal. Don’t worry about what other people think. There is nothing “unfeminine” about being independant. There is nothing unfeminine about jeans etc. As others have said, keep being yourself, you’re doing great. 👍
 
Be yourself!
I grew up around all boys. I even begged my mom in the 1st grade to let me play football. Not only was I a “tomboy” growing up, but I am petite. I’m only 5 feet tall. When I was in high school I played softball and I didn’t mind getting hurt or dirty on the field. In PE I would have to play basketball with the boys because the girls didn’t like me stealing the ball from them. It was a sight to see a 5 foot 105 pound girl playing basketball with the boys. LOL.
My mom would have to force me to wear dresses or skirts. I would only wear them to church. haha. When I went to college I became a little bit more girly. I joined a sorority so I had to dress like a girl.lol. I figured out that I do enjoy curling my hair, and wearing cute outfits. I have still kept my independence that I had growing up, when I go back home I still go hunting with my daddy. I love going to the batting cages when I am stressed and hitting. I shock my husband all the time by the things his little bitty wife can do. 🙂 Women come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. Just be you!
 
Thanks for the advice everyone! I was just thinking about this too much recently and got a bit worked up. Thanks for the advice, it really clears things up for me. 🙂
God bless you all
 
Flame4 said:
I’m happy to be female and I want to be a woman of God, but I’m worried I’m not feminine enough. Am I just concentrating on the superficial?
Thanks and God Bless
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I think if you are embracing and cultivating the personality that God gave you, then you are just fine in my (and more importantly, His) eyes. Be who you are. You are someone special. God bless.

Every time I come upon a topic regarding individuality, I always post my favorite non-Biblical quotation of all time from a man named Frederic Bastiat. In his book, The Law, he said this:
MY ATTITUDE TOWARD ALL OTHER PERSONS is well illustrated by this story from a celebrated traveler: He arrived one day in the midst of a tribe of savages, where a child had just been born. A crowd of soothsayers, magicians, and quacks—armed with rings, hooks, and cords—surrounded it.
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One said: “This child will never smell the perfume of a peace-pipe unless I stretch his nostrils.”
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Another said: “He will never be able to hear unless I draw his ear-lobes down to his shoulders.”
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A third said: “He will never see the sunshine unless I slant his eyes.”
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Another said: “He will never stand upright unless I bend his legs.”
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A fifth said: “He will never learn to think unless I flatten his skull.”
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“Stop,” cried the traveler. “What God does is well done. Do not claim to know more than He. God has given organs to this frail creature; let them develop and grown strong by exercise, use, experience, and liberty.”
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God has given to men all that is necessary for them to accomplish their destinies. He has provided a social form as well as a human form. And these social organs of persons are so constituted that they will develop themselves harmoniously in the clean air of liberty.
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You’ll be fine. You don’t sound unattractive at all. But it’s a good thing you’ve broken out of the influence of the other ones and started thinking and acting for yourself.

Self-discoveries, changing your mannerisms, questioning yourself on things like that is normal at your age. 😉
 
chevalier said:
You’ll be fine. You don’t sound unattractive at all. But it’s a good thing you’ve broken out of the influence of the other ones and started thinking and acting for yourself.

Self-discoveries, changing your mannerisms, questioning yourself on things like that is normal at your age. 😉
Click to expand...
And good for you too. 👍
 
Flame4 said:
When I was about 10 I was involved in some sports which required me to be “tough”. At least that’s how I percieved it; the other girls would exclude me because they thought I wasn’t tough enough and too girly. I started adopting their mannerisms, which were more boyish, in order to fit it. I also developed a fear of appering weak.

I am worried that I have carried these fears and mannerisms into my life now, and therefore appear not feminine enough. I wear jeans mostly (they’re comfy and where I live its pretty cold most of the time for skirts), but I would say I wear feminine clothing in other respects, do my hair and makeup- I’m usually quite simple with these things because I’m a student and I’m more concerned with studying than getting up early to fix my hair.

In terms of behaviour: I’ve believe godly women are not weak damsals in distress, but willing to show courage and do their daily duties. I would say I’m independent, I do my work and get around without too much help (I ask when I need it). I appreciate people holding doors for me, but I don’t require it, I even hold doors for others. Some of my female friends seem to need people around them to do anything, even go to the bathroom… I’m worried my “independence” is being making me appear masculine. (When I need help, I’m not too proud to ask however.)

I also fear being seen as weak, so I think I go back to those old mannerisms I relied on as a child to appear tough: taking a more “tough” stance, hunching up a bit, etc. I only do this in professional environemnts ( school, work).
I’m also not much of a flirt. When I talk to boys I’m friendly, but I think I apply the above mannerisms unless I know them well.

I’m happy to be female and I want to be a woman of God, but I’m worried I’m not feminine enough. Am I just concentrating on the superficial?
Thanks and God Bless
Click to expand...
You are fine, to be honest a lot of guys find some of the “feminine” traits really annoying
 
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