Not good enough to be Catholic

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KendraDZ1902

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Well, I’m come to the conclusion, after reading opinions here on CAF, that I’m a bad Catholic because I don’t have children. Yep. Everyone is so hurt that Pope Francis made the statement that you shouldn’t BE like rabbits and everyone is coming out of the woodwork praising people who have double digit amounts of children. Saying that those with large families are “God fearing,” “breeding like Catholics” “following Church teaching” and so on.
I’m am fine with the cross I have to bear. I’m fine with not being able to have children. I had my mini breakdown, thinking I was a broken woman. I put on my big girl panties and I’m over it. What I’m not over is the assumption that I’m not God fearing or following church teaching because I can’t have little bunnies running around. My husband and I have been in the Church for almost 2 years now. Sitting in the same pew every week, unless he is deployed then it is just me. I wonder how many people at my parish think these things of us because we don’t have children. This is upsetting. This makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
 
Please don’t think you aren’t a good Catholic or good enough to be Catholic. I can’t deny that there are people who might think that (I’ve been on this forum for awhile and have been exposed to this attitude elsewhere.) But I am certain that the number of people who truly think this are very small but very vocal. It may have it’s roots in something very good but their understanding of church teaching is distorted and their attitude prideful. They need prayer. “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Please don’t think you aren’t a good Catholic or good enough to be Catholic. I can’t deny that there are people who might think that (I’ve been on this forum for awhile and have been exposed to this attitude elsewhere.) But I am certain that the number of people who truly think this are very small but very vocal. It may have it’s roots in something very good but their understanding of church teaching is distorted and their attitude prideful. They need prayer. “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”
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Yes.

And really, how many double-digit families are there, even on CAF? I’ve been on for 2+ years and I’ve encountered at most 1 or 2 posters who claimed 10 or 11 kids. Your average middle aged CAF poster has maybe 4-6 kids (with a number of regulars having fewer, a bunch having 7, and a handful with 8 or 9), while the younger ones usually have 0-3.
 
By the way, I’m an only child and my parents did not contracept. And I’m a never married with no children. Sometimes I think the world doesn’t think I’m good enough because of that. True story. 🤷
 
As per Bruised Reed’s comments, the problem is with them, not with you.

Many women experience fertility issues, some temporary, some more permanent. It takes a good deal of callousness for anyone to assume that a married couple who do not have children have chosen to be that way.

But equally KendraDZ1902, you should not assume that most or even many people are actually thinking that way. A vocal minority on internet forums do not likely reflect the attitudes of the majority of Catholics.
 
Eh, pretty much no one meets the “good enough to be Catholic” standard. I wouldn’t worry about it. All the cool people are over here, anyway. Come to the dark side; we have cookies! Tasty, chocolatey, gluten-laden cookies! 😃

Seriously, even if you had kids, there would be plenty of people who would be sure you were Doing It Wrong ™.* Had an epidural? Bad mom! C-section? Bad mom! Natural childbirth? Silly thing, you just made it harder on yourself! Bad mom! Breastfed for 12 months and 1 day/24 months/2 months/not at all? WRONG! Bad mom! Had five kids in six years, or two in twelve? Bad, bad, bad! Let your kid eat gluten at any time? Horror! Don’t let your kid eat gluten? Worse still! Left your kid with grandma for a night away with hubby at 6 months? Neglectful, abusive mom! Didn’t go for a romantic overnight with hubby when grandma could babysit the six-month-old? You’ll be divorced in two years, tops, if you keep neglecting your marriage like that! Bad! 😛

For what it’s worth, levity aside, sometimes I feel that way and I have a kid. Not everything I described above was always satire. sigh

The only things that helped me were to

a) deliberately focus on something else when those thoughts came up, because they’re temptations, and nothing more. “I’ll never fit in, no one will ever approve of me, everyone will think I’m a Bad Catholic Mom anyway, I might as well not even bother going to church or following the church’s teachings on marriage because I’m a failure by the standards of many people in the pews and always will be.” Not helpful, and mostly not true, and in any case, I don’t need (however much I want) affirmation from other people.

b) Focusing on what kind of mom I want to be, rather than on what kind of mom I felt I was being perceived as. I try to imagine seeing myself as a complete stranger would see me for the first time, and then try to be the person I want them to see, if that makes any sense. It sounds weird, I know, but it really does help. It focuses my attention on positive actions (making space for someone in a pew, for example) rather than on negative thoughts about what they may or may not be thinking about me (“oh, she’s bottle feeding, how disappointing.”)

*Not, you understand, that I am trying to be flippant about your infertility. I’m not. Please accept my sympathies. (((hugs))) I can only imagine what learning about that was like, or feeling the way you describe in your post. For most of mine, I’m trying to be flippant and cheer you up. 😉 🙂
 
underacloud said:
As per Bruised Reed’s comments, the problem is with them, not with you.

Many women experience fertility issues, some temporary, some more permanent. It takes a good deal of callousness for anyone to assume that a married couple who do not have children have chosen to be that way.

But equally KendraDZ1902, you should not assume that most or even many people are actually thinking that way. A vocal minority on internet forums do not likely reflect the attitudes of the majority of Catholics.
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Exactly. My wife and I will never be able to have children together, either. She has a 22-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, who I love as my own, but my wife is quite a bit older than I am and has passed child-bearing age. We would like to adopt some day, should God will it.

BTW, there are many more infertile Catholic couples.
 
Personally, I think it’s not for any of us to judge anyone based on the amount of kids they have – or whether they have any for that matter. It could so happen that they’re having trouble conceiving or there is some reason I do not know about. It would be a terrible thing for me to presume things I shouldn’t.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Well, I’m come to the conclusion, after reading opinions here on CAF, that I’m a bad Catholic because I don’t have children. Yep. Everyone is so hurt that Pope Francis made the statement that you shouldn’t BE like rabbits and everyone is coming out of the woodwork praising people who have double digit amounts of children. Saying that those with large families are “God fearing,” “breeding like Catholics” “following Church teaching” and so on.
I’m am fine with the cross I have to bear. I’m fine with not being able to have children. I had my mini breakdown, thinking I was a broken woman. I put on my big girl panties and I’m over it. What I’m not over is the assumption that I’m not God fearing or following church teaching because I can’t have little bunnies running around. My husband and I have been in the Church for almost 2 years now. Sitting in the same pew every week, unless he is deployed then it is just me. I wonder how many people at my parish think these things of us because we don’t have children. This is upsetting. This makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
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Kendra,
Please do not feel this way. The MAJORITY of orthodox, devout Catholics to not have 5+ kids today. Even several of the renowned Catholic authors, speakers only have a few kids.

Now it’s true that many orthodox Catholics like to praise people who have large families. But that’s because they are trying to encourage people not to give into the peer pressure of society… Today’s society praises the couple who decides not to have kids or pushes off having kids in order to make a ton of money first. Society praises making money over having kids. The response to large Catholic families is a direct response to society. Not small Catholic families or individual couples without children.

There is a MAJOR difference between someone who has 2 kids because they are selfish vs. because 2 is all they can responsibly handle. Likewise, there is a MAJOR difference between a single mother with 6 kids who cannot afford any vs. a responsible couple with 6 kids.

The people responding to these posts are getting upset about the “breeding like rabbits” phrase that Pope NEVER said. The media did.

I can pretty much guarantee that while people in the pews notice the large families, they usually don’t give a second thought about the small ones or the couple without kids (and I mean that in a good way).

God Bless.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Well, I’m come to the conclusion, after reading opinions here on CAF, that I’m a bad Catholic because I don’t have children. Yep. Everyone is so hurt that Pope Francis made the statement that you shouldn’t BE like rabbits and everyone is coming out of the woodwork praising people who have double digit amounts of children. Saying that those with large families are “God fearing,” “breeding like Catholics” “following Church teaching” and so on.
I’m am fine with the cross I have to bear. I’m fine with not being able to have children. I had my mini breakdown, thinking I was a broken woman. I put on my big girl panties and I’m over it. What I’m not over is the assumption that I’m not God fearing or following church teaching because I can’t have little bunnies running around. My husband and I have been in the Church for almost 2 years now. Sitting in the same pew every week, unless he is deployed then it is just me. I wonder how many people at my parish think these things of us because we don’t have children. This is upsetting. This makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
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I think you are taking things a bit too personally. Infertility has affected my family as well, and I was still offended at the Pope’s remarks.
 
underacloud said:
As per Bruised Reed’s comments, the problem is with them, not with you.

Many women experience fertility issues, some temporary, some more permanent. It takes a good deal of callousness for anyone to assume that a married couple who do not have children have chosen to be that way.

But equally KendraDZ1902, you should not assume that most or even many people are actually thinking that way. A vocal minority on internet forums do not likely reflect the attitudes of the majority of Catholics.
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I understand that a minority of people on a forum doesn’t reflect any type of majority, but this is really the only place that I am open about fertility issues. My husband knows and a few of my family members know. His family doesn’t. Like, I’m so hush hush about this. So when I see things like today (many many posts about the rabbit ordeal) it kind of shocked and hurt me. And made me feel very insignificant in the eyes of the church. Like, I don’t have anything to offer. And I kinda wanted to jump up and down saying, “I’m a good Catholic too! I’m important too!” Sounds selfish now as I type it, but words cut like a knife at times. 😊
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Please don’t think you aren’t a good Catholic or good enough to be Catholic. I can’t deny that there are people who might think that (I’ve been on this forum for awhile and have been exposed to this attitude elsewhere.) But I am certain that the number of people who truly think this are very small but very vocal. It may have it’s roots in something very good but their understanding of church teaching is distorted and their attitude prideful. They need prayer. “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”
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Thank you for your kind words. They really relaxed me and truly helped me. 🙂
 
UbiCaritas said:
Eh, pretty much no one meets the “good enough to be Catholic” standard. I wouldn’t worry about it. All the cool people are over here, anyway. Come to the dark side; we have cookies! Tasty, chocolatey, gluten-laden cookies! 😃

Seriously, even if you had kids, there would be plenty of people who would be sure you were Doing It Wrong ™.* Had an epidural? Bad mom! C-section? Bad mom! Natural childbirth? Silly thing, you just made it harder on yourself! Bad mom! Breastfed for 12 months and 1 day/24 months/2 months/not at all? WRONG! Bad mom! Had five kids in six years, or two in twelve? Bad, bad, bad! Let your kid eat gluten at any time? Horror! Don’t let your kid eat gluten? Worse still! Left your kid with grandma for a night away with hubby at 6 months? Neglectful, abusive mom! Didn’t go for a romantic overnight with hubby when grandma could babysit the six-month-old? You’ll be divorced in two years, tops, if you keep neglecting your marriage like that! Bad! 😛

For what it’s worth, levity aside, sometimes I feel that way and I have a kid. Not everything I described above was always satire. sigh

The only things that helped me were to

a) deliberately focus on something else when those thoughts came up, because they’re temptations, and nothing more. “I’ll never fit in, no one will ever approve of me, everyone will think I’m a Bad Catholic Mom anyway, I might as well not even bother going to church or following the church’s teachings on marriage because I’m a failure by the standards of many people in the pews and always will be.” Not helpful, and mostly not true, and in any case, I don’t need (however much I want) affirmation from other people.

b) Focusing on what kind of mom I want to be, rather than on what kind of mom I felt I was being perceived as. I try to imagine seeing myself as a complete stranger would see me for the first time, and then try to be the person I want them to see, if that makes any sense. It sounds weird, I know, but it really does help. It focuses my attention on positive actions (making space for someone in a pew, for example) rather than on negative thoughts about what they may or may not be thinking about me (“oh, she’s bottle feeding, how disappointing.”)

*Not, you understand, that I am trying to be flippant about your infertility. I’m not. Please accept my sympathies. (((hugs))) I can only imagine what learning about that was like, or feeling the way you describe in your post. For most of mine, I’m trying to be flippant and cheer you up. 😉 🙂
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You did not hurt my feelings at all. I actually laughed extremely loud while reading it. I am at that age where everyone is having babies and everyone has an opinion on the proper way to raise them. I could give you links to Facebook to prove it. It’s quite hilarious to see new mommies “politely” give opinions to soon to be mommies on Facebook. 😃
I’m glad you mentioned temptations because me getting upset and having these thoughts are exactly that. A temptation to turn from the truth, the church.
And I’m so coming to the dark side, I totally need a chocolate gluten laden cookie!!
 
It’s not good for your peace and well being to imagine that the people in the pews are thinking awful things about you. Just don’t let your mind go there because it doesn’t end well.

Even if someone is thinking mean and cruel things, that’s on them. May they fall into their own trap while we continue on our way unharmed. From the psalms. God bless.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
So when I see things like today (many many posts about the rabbit ordeal) it kind of shocked and hurt me. And made me feel very insignificant in the eyes of the church. Like, I don’t have anything to offer. And I kinda wanted to jump up and down saying, “I’m a good Catholic too! I’m important too!” Sounds selfish now as I type it, but words cut like a knife at times. 😊
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I know the Pope’s words didn’t directly address infertility issues here, but in effect what he was saying is that you don’t have to have a large family to be a good Catholic. His words were aimed very much at the attitude held be some people that has upset you. So no, you are not insignificant in the eyes of the Church.

The reality is that no matter your family size, people will judge you.

One or two (or no) children - you must be selfish.

Many children - you must be irresponsible and/or stupid.

Somewhere in between - you’ll cop a bit of both.

We have four children and get comments about how large a family we have and “are you done now?”, “you know how that happens, right?”, etc. Equally, we have received comments from some ultra-conservative Catholics along the lines of: “oh, so you’re really just starting out”.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Eh, pretty much no one meets the “good enough to be Catholic” standard. I wouldn’t worry about it. All the cool people are over here, anyway. Come to the dark side; we have cookies! Tasty, chocolatey, gluten-laden cookies! 😃

Seriously, even if you had kids, there would be plenty of people who would be sure you were Doing It Wrong ™.* Had an epidural? Bad mom! C-section? Bad mom! Natural childbirth? Silly thing, you just made it harder on yourself! Bad mom! Breastfed for 12 months and 1 day/24 months/2 months/not at all? WRONG! Bad mom! Had five kids in six years, or two in twelve? Bad, bad, bad! Let your kid eat gluten at any time? Horror! Don’t let your kid eat gluten? Worse still! Left your kid with grandma for a night away with hubby at 6 months? Neglectful, abusive mom! Didn’t go for a romantic overnight with hubby when grandma could babysit the six-month-old? You’ll be divorced in two years, tops, if you keep neglecting your marriage like that! Bad! 😛

For what it’s worth, levity aside, sometimes I feel that way and I have a kid. Not everything I described above was always satire. sigh

The only things that helped me were to

a) deliberately focus on something else when those thoughts came up, because they’re temptations, and nothing more. “I’ll never fit in, no one will ever approve of me, everyone will think I’m a Bad Catholic Mom anyway, I might as well not even bother going to church or following the church’s teachings on marriage because I’m a failure by the standards of many people in the pews and always will be.” Not helpful, and mostly not true, and in any case, I don’t need (however much I want) affirmation from other people.

b) Focusing on what kind of mom I want to be, rather than on what kind of mom I felt I was being perceived as. I try to imagine seeing myself as a complete stranger would see me for the first time, and then try to be the person I want them to see, if that makes any sense. It sounds weird, I know, but it really does help. It focuses my attention on positive actions (making space for someone in a pew, for example) rather than on negative thoughts about what they may or may not be thinking about me (“oh, she’s bottle feeding, how disappointing.”)

*Not, you understand, that I am trying to be flippant about your infertility. I’m not. Please accept my sympathies. (((hugs))) I can only imagine what learning about that was like, or feeling the way you describe in your post. For most of mine, I’m trying to be flippant and cheer you up. 😉 🙂
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👍
 
In addition to what everyone else said,people who didn’t like the Popes words need to understand the context and who he was addressing.
He was addressing people in the Philippines,who have very different Socioeconomic issues.
He was not addressing Americans.

Op:You are no less a woman or Catholic due to not having children.
Just curious,do you have PCOS?
 
UbiCaritas said:
Seriously, even if you had kids, there would be plenty of people who would be sure you were Doing It Wrong ™.* Had an epidural? Bad mom! C-section? Bad mom! Natural childbirth? Silly thing, you just made it harder on yourself! Bad mom! Breastfed for 12 months and 1 day/24 months/2 months/not at all? WRONG! Bad mom! Had five kids in six years, or two in twelve? Bad, bad, bad! Let your kid eat gluten at any time? Horror! Don’t let your kid eat gluten? Worse still! Left your kid with grandma for a night away with hubby at 6 months? Neglectful, abusive mom! Didn’t go for a romantic overnight with hubby when grandma could babysit the six-month-old? You’ll be divorced in two years, tops, if you keep neglecting your marriage like that! Bad! 😛

For what it’s worth, levity aside, sometimes I feel that way and I have a kid. Not everything I described above was always satire. sigh

The only things that helped me were to

a) deliberately focus on something else when those thoughts came up, because they’re temptations, and nothing more. “I’ll never fit in, no one will ever approve of me, everyone will think I’m a Bad Catholic Mom anyway, I might as well not even bother going to church or following the church’s teachings on marriage because I’m a failure by the standards of many people in the pews and always will be.” Not helpful, and mostly not true, and in any case, I don’t need (however much I want) affirmation from other people.

b) Focusing on what kind of mom I want to be, rather than on what kind of mom I felt I was being perceived as. I try to imagine seeing myself as a complete stranger would see me for the first time, and then try to be the person I want them to see, if that makes any sense. It sounds weird, I know, but it really does help. It focuses my attention on positive actions (making space for someone in a pew, for example) rather than on negative thoughts about what they may or may not be thinking about me (“oh, she’s bottle feeding, how disappointing.”)
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Thank you! Both for the laugh and the tips 😃

To the OP - I’m one who has six kids and I definitely get the “not good enough” vibe from other Catholic moms who think I have far too many and that I’m - in fact - “doing it wrong”.

Like UbiCaritas so cheerfully pointed out - there’s no choice, no behavior, you can make that someone isn’t going to try to bring you down about. For me, after issues with both infertility and super-fertility 🤷 I’ve long since learned that it’s often all up to God - we do what we think is best but He has the ultimate decision. So please know that I have only empathy for your pain and know that you are as good (or probably better) Catholic than I am. ((HUGS))
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Well, I’m come to the conclusion, after reading opinions here on CAF, that I’m a bad Catholic because I don’t have children. Yep. Everyone is so hurt that Pope Francis made the statement that you shouldn’t BE like rabbits and everyone is coming out of the woodwork praising people who have double digit amounts of children. Saying that those with large families are “God fearing,” “breeding like Catholics” “following Church teaching” and so on.
I’m am fine with the cross I have to bear. I’m fine with not being able to have children. I had my mini breakdown, thinking I was a broken woman. I put on my big girl panties and I’m over it. What I’m not over is the assumption that I’m not God fearing or following church teaching because I can’t have little bunnies running around. My husband and I have been in the Church for almost 2 years now. Sitting in the same pew every week, unless he is deployed then it is just me. I wonder how many people at my parish think these things of us because we don’t have children. This is upsetting. This makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
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Kendra, has anyone said or even implied that couples that cannot have children are less Catholic? Saying that large families are God fearing, following the teaching, etc does not mean that couple that suffer the cross of infertility are not. The Catechism actually addresses both:
2373 Sacred Scripture and the Church’s traditional practice see in large families a sign of God’s blessing and the parents’ generosity.163
2374 Couples who discover that they are sterile suffer greatly. “What will you give me,” asks Abraham of God, "for I continue childless?"164 And Rachel cries to her husband Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall die!"165
2379 The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others.

In uniting yourself to the Cross you are growing in Holiness, and so you are clearly a beautiful example of embracing the Cross thus of Catholic living. I personally have great admiration for Catholics that resist the temptation to follow immoral procedures and simply do their best to live generously in other ways. You are a beautiful example Kendra, and don’t let anyone say otherwise.
 
Well, we cant please everyone, right?

I don’t feel good enough to be Catholic sometimes, I am a single man. 30 years old no kids, never married. Hopefully one day, but I am a realist and I know that there is a possibility that I might never get married or have children. What should I do then? Become a monk? I don’t think I could do it. That makes me sad sometimes. But I try to be optimistic. Singles seem to be largely forgotten in The Church sometimes. I am sure we all feel unworthy for one reason or another we are all sinners. If someone never feels like they are on the outside looking in sometimes, good for them. Wish it was like that for me 😦 Anyways, God bless 🙂
 
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