Not Grieving Over Miscarriage?

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NguyenKimPhat

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Dear CAF,

I have heard so many stories about women who have had miscarriages after being pregnant for about 6 or 7 months.

I was wondering, have you guys ever heard of a woman who have had a miscarriage but did not feel sad?

What would you personally think of a woman who was pregnant for 7 months, and then for some medical reason, had a miscarriage, but did not feel sad or depressed about it - but just went on with her life normally? What would you think of her? I know it is normal to grieve the lost of a child, but if that woman who had a miscarriage did not grieve at all but felt totally normal … would she be super weird? Is it okay to NOT feel sad when you have had a miscarriage?
 
Everyone deals with things differently. If you watch footage from the Newtown shooting, when they are evacuating the children, some are in tears, some are in shock, and some are smiling. Are the ones smiling mentally ill? Of course not. People simply deal with these things differently. A solid majority of people cry their eyes out after they have had a miscarriage, but not crying your eyes out doesn’t make you a monster. It means you deal with things differently than most people. Perhaps the woman in question is just in shock, and doesn’t really comprehend everything yet and will eventually, or maybe she never will. Regardless, you will always feel loss, no matter what. You will always feel like there is something missing.

Just my thoughts on the matter. Others may (Hopefully with CHARITY) disagree.
 
Until recently infant mortality was common in the West, and remains relatively high in developing countries today. In these places, miscarriage is a matter-of-fact event; there are too many present hardships to dwell on a life that hardly began. Furthermore, some societies/groups will place a higher value on unborn fetuses/newborns than others.

Therefore what we consider the “normal” reaction is actually relative; dependent not only on time and circumstance, but also individually as Teutonic pointed out.
 
NguyenKimPhat said:
Dear CAF,

I have heard so many stories about women who have had miscarriages after being pregnant for about 6 or 7 months.

I was wondering, have you guys ever heard of a woman who have had a miscarriage but did not feel sad?

What would you personally think of a woman who was pregnant for 7 months, and then for some medical reason, had a miscarriage, but did not feel sad or depressed about it - but just went on with her life normally? What would you think of her? I know it is normal to grieve the lost of a child, but if that woman who had a miscarriage did not grieve at all but felt totally normal … would she be super weird? Is it okay to NOT feel sad when you have had a miscarriage?
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As ATK says, everyone grieves differently so it is difficult to say. Circumstances make a difference. I could not fully grieve for five years due to extenuating and heinous circumstances.
In any case, my prayers go to who ever may have endured this loss.
Blessings
 
NguyenKimPhat said:
Dear CAF,

I have heard so many stories about women who have had miscarriages after being pregnant for about 6 or 7 months.

I was wondering, have you guys ever heard of a woman who have had a miscarriage but did not feel sad?

What would you personally think of a woman who was pregnant for 7 months, and then for some medical reason, had a miscarriage, but did not feel sad or depressed about it - but just went on with her life normally? What would you think of her? I know it is normal to grieve the lost of a child, but if that woman who had a miscarriage did not grieve at all but felt totally normal … would she be super weird? Is it okay to NOT feel sad when you have had a miscarriage?
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If she didn’t wish to be a mom, she may feel relieved instead of sad. she may have had an abortion, and described it as a miscarriage, so others won’t judge her. It would be unusual to not grieve. I have seen women who didn’t want another baby still grieve their miscarriages. She may have chosen to shut down her feelings for some reason. We do that to protect ourselves some times. Some delay grieving, until they are ready to deal with the emotions of it. Just my humble thoughts on the subject. 🙂
 
I’m with ATK with this one. Although I’ve never experienced a tragedy like this, I have responded to bad things in my life with laughter first and then I get visably upset sometime later if at all. Sometimes the situation seems so hopeless that even being upset about it feels like a gigantic waste of energy because it won’t change anything. Or at least that’s how I explain my own seemingly inappropriate responses…

It’s possible she could simply be hiding her sadness too. Living life normally can also be a coping mechanism. Or maybe she built up an emotional shield against the possibility.

People just grieve differently for different people for different reasons.
 
Feelings are feelings and they aren’t a sin. A person can’t control how upset they feel over something. There could be any number of reasons a woman doesn’t appear to grieve the loss of a baby. It could have simply not hit her yet. She could be trying to control her pain by “shutting it out” and deliberately not thinking about it. She could be really good at hiding pain. She could be a person that just doesn’t feel very deeply or who processes emotional events in small doses. (think about it a little today, then a little more in two weeks.)
 
What Allegra said. Feelings are feelings and not sins. And I wouldn’t waste a moment of time judging someone else’s feelings and ascribing any motives to them.
 
A woman who loses a child after being pregnant for 7 months does not have a miscarriage. That would be called a stillbirth.
 
NguyenKimPhat said:
Dear CAF,

I have heard so many stories about women who have had miscarriages after being pregnant for about 6 or 7 months.

I was wondering, have you guys ever heard of a woman who have had a miscarriage but did not feel sad?

What would you personally think of a woman who was pregnant for 7 months, and then for some medical reason, had a miscarriage, but did not feel sad or depressed about it - but just went on with her life normally? What would you think of her? I know it is normal to grieve the lost of a child, but if that woman who had a miscarriage did not grieve at all but felt totally normal … would she be super weird? Is it okay to NOT feel sad when you have had a miscarriage?
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Most miscarriages actually happen in the first trimester than in the later months. There is no way to judge the reaction of another person and even if the other person doesn’t outwardly seem sad and “went on with her life” you don’t know what is going on in their heart and behind closed doors. This is also a very hypothetical question on your part or is at least the way you are presenting it. Having experience a miscarriage myself, I can tell you that one will always feel the loss but you can put your faith in God to see you through it and one can trust in God’s divine control.
 
It’s not been till about the last couple of decades that this type of loss was acknowledged much, and there was little support for those who were grieving it (but thought that no one would understand, or received unsympathetic or even cruel responses if they mentioned it). Now there is a growing movement to acknowledge it as a loss and give the parents support. But maybe the person you have in mind is not aware of this newer view of things so she tries to put it out of her mind as probably a lot of women felt they had to do “back in the day.”
 
3DOCTORS said:
It’s not been till about the last couple of decades that this type of loss was acknowledged much, and there was little support for those who were grieving it (but thought that no one would understand, or received unsympathetic or even cruel responses if they mentioned it). Now there is a growing movement to acknowledge it as a loss and give the parents support. But maybe the person you have in mind is not aware of this newer view of things so she tries to put it out of her mind as probably a lot of women felt they had to do “back in the day.”
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I don’t know. 😦

My Grandmother had a stillborn baby in the 1930’s. She always spoke of him, and wondered what could have been if he had lived, and would say that he was a beautiful baby, that he looked like an angel. Back then, though, I don’t think the baby was officially named, or issued a death certificate, or had a funeral, or even Baptised, thinking that it was too late to do so. I’m sure the lack of Baptism weighed heavily on her heart. 😦
 
3DOCTORS said:
It’s not been till about the last couple of decades that this type of loss was acknowledged much, and there was little support for those who were grieving it (but thought that no one would understand, or received unsympathetic or even cruel responses if they mentioned it). Now there is a growing movement to acknowledge it as a loss and give the parents support. But maybe the person you have in mind is not aware of this newer view of things so she tries to put it out of her mind as probably a lot of women felt they had to do “back in the day.”
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you are making a lot a assumptions of other people. No one I know which includes myself forgets a miscarriage or even a still birth. I’m not sure why you are wondering what goes on in the hearts and minds of someone who has been through this. Assumptions of others when they have had a loss, any kind of loss is borders on the edge. The better road for anyone is to offer supportive prayers and comments like “I’m praying for you, may God bring you healing and peace” and leave it at that. You should spend your time to thinking how to support anyone who has had a loss and think of ways to show compassion than wondering if they are “really grieving”.
 
I think miscarriages are much more of a private grieving than someone who lost a pregnancy much farther along.

I think I MIGHT have had a miscarriage last month, but honestly, once I saw what I thought was, I didn’t even take a pregnancy test to confirm that that’s what it was. It was just so much easier to whisper goodbye to Simeon (the name I heard as soon as I realized what it might have been than to actually confirm that yes, I had been pregnant). Was I wrong to do that? I don’t know. I didn’t tell my husband since maybe I was imagining something. I did tell a close friend.

My grandmother went the other direction. She had 3 stillborns (late enough that they weren’t miscarriages), but if pressed about it, she would say she had 3 abortions.
 
Kit15 said:
I’m with ATK with this one. Although I’ve never experienced a tragedy like this, I have responded to bad things in my life with laughter first and then I get visably upset sometime later if at all. Sometimes the situation seems so hopeless that even being upset about it feels like a gigantic waste of energy because it won’t change anything. Or at least that’s how I explain my own seemingly inappropriate responses…

It’s possible she could simply be hiding her sadness too. Living life normally can also be a coping mechanism. Or maybe she built up an emotional shield against the possibility.

People just grieve differently for different people for different reasons.
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This is totally me. My husband asks me all the time if I would even cry were he to pass away. In high school friends made fun of me for how I reacted to death of loved ones. Most think I am pretty cold with my reactions without knowing my inner reflection on the loved one’s death. I use to think something was wrong with me regarding this but am glad to know I am not the only person in the world like this. Thank you!
 
I had a miscarriage nearly half way through my pregnancy. We found out at our big gender ultrasound. Brought my dh and my 2 sons with us and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. My husband immediately burst into tears but I just sat there in disbelief. I couldn’t cry…at least not at first. It was shock. Didn’t see that one coming. The tears eventually came but I still felt like I lived in shock for a while. So maybe shock?
 
KellyPalmer said:
I had a miscarriage nearly half way through my pregnancy. We found out at our big gender ultrasound. Brought my dh and my 2 sons with us and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. My husband immediately burst into tears but I just sat there in disbelief. I couldn’t cry…at least not at first. It was shock. Didn’t see that one coming. The tears eventually came but I still felt like I lived in shock for a while. So maybe shock?
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I am sorry about your loss, may God bring you comfort, healing and compassion.
you will be in my prayers.
 
Losing a baby at 6 or 7 months is uncommon, so I’m not sure where you’ve heard “so many” stories of women who experienced this type of loss and didn’t seem to care. At that gestational age, the loss is called a stillbirth. The fetus is fully formed and the mother must deliver. I doubt many women simply say “meh” and move on. The few women I know who have had stillbirths grieved deeply for the baby and the loss of what that baby might have been.

What IS common is miscarriage. Most of these happen before 8 weeks. Since 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage, pregnant women are usually very aware that this is a real possibility. I personally do not announce pregnancies before 13 weeks, and try not to get TOO attached to the idea of a baby until then. I would still be very sad if it were to happen that early, but doubt I’d go into deep mourning the way I would if I lost a baby nearer to term. It is a very common and real fact of life. We all deal with disappointment and loss in our own way. The women I know who have miscarried early are still saddened that things did not work out.
 
Perhaps she’s putting up a good front to mask her grief. We should never judge anyone’s level of grief by the way they look or act. We simply have no idea how they are feeling and it’s unfair to assume she is not grieving because she has chosen to go on with her life in a “normal” way. That may be the only way she knows how to deal with her loss.
 
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