Not honoring my mother?

[LaSainte]

I have been staying with my mom for the week, and she does not agree with how I raise my children. She getting on my nerves especially with her criticisms, and although I didn’t say anything about it to her, I did let off some steam by saying some not-so-nice things about her to my husband-basically, what I wished I could have said directly to her. I knew it wasnt nice, but i was annoyed and wanted to vent. Also, at one point when my husband and I were discussing the matter, she came in and although she didn’t hear our conversation, I’m sure she knew that we were talking about how her beliefs on how to raise my kids vary drastically from hers, which may have ticked her off.

Anyway, the rest of the evening, I was especially ice to her, cleaning up her house and helping her out, even though she was being particularly hostile to me the whole time.

My question is, was this a mortal sin? Or just normal frustration?

 

[Polycarp1]

I did let off some steam by saying some not-so-nice things about her to my husband-basically, what I wished I could have said directly to her. My question is, was this a mortal sin? Or just normal frustration?

I may be wrong but would say that this was a mortal sin. In any event I would go to confession and tell the priest what happened.to be safe.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

It probably is frustration. Mother daughter relationships are difficult sometimes.

The way you raise your children is your business, she should ideally respect that. And subtly we would like out mothers approval, so how they react to us effects us.

If it helps, I brought similar scenario to confession too :blush:and in my scenario Father said it wasn’t a mortal sin.

We lived above my mom for a few years and this type of disageement happened fairly often.

As for letting off steam with DH, I think that’s fine.

 

[Allegra]

If you were venting to someone else, I think it could be a mortal sin. However, I don’t think you are sinning to tell your husband what is bothering you. That’s what husbands and wives are for. (support)

 

[baker350]

I confessed a similar situation to a very dear priest years ago, and while he assured me that this was not a mortal sin, he gently informed me that how I (as an adult) treat my mother is how I can expect my grown children to treat me. That is some of the best advice I have ever been given.

 

[chaela_may]

I confessed a similar situation to a very dear priest years ago, and while he assured me that this was not a mortal sin, he gently informed me that how I (as an adult) treat my mother is how I can expect my grown children to treat me. That is some of the best advice I have ever been given.

this applies doubly, since you can’t expect children to completely ignorant of how their mother treats their grandmother.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

this applies doubly, since you can’t expect children to completely ignorant of how their mother treats their grandmother.

Or how grandmother treats their mom.

It seems that LaSainte’s mom according to the OP was being hyper critical. LaSainte never answered her mom back, she just spoke about it with her DH. She also tried to make amends by helping all while mom was being hostile.

The only thing she might be concerned with was venting to her DH. I’m not sure she was committing detraction. It’s one thing to say, " My mom makes me want to smack my head against the wall!" and another, “My mom steals periodically from Walmart” the former would be just venting, the latter could be detraction.

 

[Sirach2]

She getting on my nerves especially with her criticisms, and although I didn’t say anything about it to her, I did let off some steam by saying some not-so-nice things about her to my husband-

It is typical of husbands and wives to share/discuss life’s experiences, good and bad. This is not mortal sin matter. You did not directly disrespect her, but unfortunately, she got the drift of your conversation. Maybe it was time.

Here’s a thread with a similar situation, and Fr. Serpa’s advice. I substituted some words to help you see the picture in a different light.

You are a -]son/-] daughter but also a -]man/-] mother. Defending your -]wife/-] children does not affect your desire to forgive your -]father/-] mother. But you have an obligation, as the -]head/-] mother of your family, to preserve your -]wife/-] self from harassment. To not do so would be uncharitable and therefore, sinful. Has it ever occurred to you to stand up to your -]father/-] mother? Maybe it’s time you did.

 

[LaSainte]

Thanks for the responses everyone! Well, it just got a whole lot worse mom just came home and told me that she didn’t want me to be angry, but that I don’t get my kids out enough, they watch too much tv, I have no friends, and she knows that the only reason I am considering homeschooling my kids is so that I don’t actually have to go anywhere with them, asked me if i had gone off my meds…Well, needless to say, that did it. I ended up saying some rude and sarcastic things that evidently hurt HER feelings, such as “Just because you screwed your kids up when they were little doesn’t mean you can go back and try to fix it all now when they’re 35” and “What good did your gaggle of cronies do you when dad died?”, that how I raise my children is not really any of her business and a few other gems.

Mortal sin? I was provoked!

I swear, my mom spent the first 14 years of my life building up my self-esteem only to spend the next 20 years tearing it down. The thing is, we love each other very much, and I’m sure she was only trying to “help” but sometimes…

Btw, she was half-right about the meds-it’s been a few days since I took my Zoloft

 

[Sirach2]

Well, timing is everything, and sometimes we have to let go during times of anger. When you discipline your children after they have done something seriously amiss, do you think that is a mortal sin if you yelled at them? Reactions don’t always wait until a calm moment, when they need to be expressed NOW. You were there and know how your mother spoke to you. Was it calm, matter of fact, or shouting and demeaning. Her attitude triggered your response.

Considering your intent was to *wound her *besides correct her, it was probably sinful, but venially, IMO. But I’m not a priest, so check in confession.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m sorry.

It wouldn’t hurt to apologize for your part of the argument.

You need to figure out what you need to do to get along with your mom in a way that does not include turning into a 35 year old toddler. (believe me I can turn into a 43 year old toddler with my mom if I let her get to me)

Even if it includes having a little song play in your mind when she tells you stuff that is hurtful. Don’t allow yourself to become provoked.

 

[Catholic80]

I have been staying with my mom for the week, and she does not agree with how I raise my children. She getting on my nerves especially with her criticisms, and although I didn’t say anything about it to her, I did let off some steam by saying some not-so-nice things about her to my husband-basically, what I wished I could have said directly to her. I knew it wasnt nice, but i was annoyed and wanted to vent. Also, at one point when my husband and I were discussing the matter, she came in and although she didn’t hear our conversation, I’m sure she knew that we were talking about how her beliefs on how to raise my kids vary drastically from hers, which may have ticked her off.

Anyway, the rest of the evening, I was especially ice to her, cleaning up her house and helping her out, even though she was being particularly hostile to me the whole time.

My question is, was this a mortal sin? Or just normal frustration?

It can never hurt to mention it to a priest in confession, mortal sin, venial sin, or no sin at all.

It is natural to need to vent after a stressful and hurtful encounter. You were hurt by your mom. What will help you is to take ownership of the hurt feelings. So, rather than saying things like, “my mom’s a b----ch” it is perfectly alright to say, “I am really hurt by what my mom said to me.” (I’m not saying you said anything of the former, but you get the idea)

The 4th commandment says “honor” your father and mother. It doesn’t say, “parents can hurt their children all they want and the children should be nice to them anyway.” No one would expect a drunk father to beat his child and then expect that the child should just get over this and be nice anyway. No. The child should be taken away from that situation.

You are an adult, and you can set up healthy boundaries with your mother - both internal and external. I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend the book called, “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. They are Christian psychologists and the book is excellent! Plus, I think it will really help you in your situation.

Putting up healthy boundaries IS honoring your mother. As a mother yourself, you should set healthy boundaries with your own children. You don’t let them run around the house drawing on the walls and breaking things for both their safety and yours. Setting healthy boundaries is the way to build a healthy and good relationship. However, setting boundaries when none have been in place before will be rocky.
For example, if the first time you set a boundary for your child is when they are a teenager, chances are, it won’t go smoothly. But, if you start setting boundaries when they are toddlers, then the child might throw a tantrum, but they learn early on when mommy says “no,” she means, “no.”

With your mom it’s the same thing. It may be rocky, but setting boundaries will eventually set your free and if your mom respects your boundaries, and you hers, then the relationship will grow stronger.

You might want to talk to a therapist who has experience with family relationships and boundaries.

 

[LaSainte]

Thank you all so much for the replys. I really am taking all of this to heart. My mom had me when she was vey young, so we have always been very close, even in age, and our relationship has always been “dramatic”, for better or worse.

She didn’t say any of this in a particularly antagonistic way, and I think she was probably trying to be helpful, but tonight, she channelled Marie Barone. That’s how it came off, and it was infuriating. Like “I’m only crushing your spirit because I love you and it’s my job as your mother”, kind of a thing. At one point she said, kindly as could be,“Please don’t have any more children”.

How am I supposed to respond to that? And now, because I told her it was none of her business, she has now gone in the complete opposite direction and is taking a platform of complete non-involvement. She started to ask me a question about the kids’ doctor and then said,“Nevermind, it’s none of my business.” Grrr.

I apologized for hurting her feelings and told her that having MY feelings hurt was no excuse to be mean but I don’t think it made a dent.

I’m leaving tomorrow and won’t see her for awhile, so I’m sad about that, but I don’t want to push the issue right now either.

I will mention it next time I go to confession, but I’m not sure if I should refrain from Communion until then.

The thing that bugs me is that she DOES know me very well, and she is about HALF right in her assessment of me, which makes me feel even worse

 

[LaSainte]

It can never hurt to mention it to a priest in confession, mortal sin, venial sin, or no sin at all.

It is natural to need to vent after a stressful and hurtful encounter. You were hurt by your mom. What will help you is to take ownership of the hurt feelings. So, rather than saying things like, “my mom’s a b----ch” it is perfectly alright to say, “I am really hurt by what my mom said to me.” (I’m not saying you said anything of the former, but you get the idea)

The 4th commandment says “honor” your father and mother. It doesn’t say, “parents can hurt their children all they want and the children should be nice to them anyway.” No one would expect a drunk father to beat his child and then expect that the child should just get over this and be nice anyway. No. The child should be taken away from that situation.

You are an adult, and you can set up healthy boundaries with your mother - both internal and external. I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend the book called, “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. They are Christian psychologists and the book is excellent! Plus, I think it will really help you in your situation.

Putting up healthy boundaries IS honoring your mother. As a mother yourself, you should set healthy boundaries with your own children. You don’t let them run around the house drawing on the walls and breaking things for both their safety and yours. Setting healthy boundaries is the way to build a healthy and good relationship. However, setting boundaries when none have been in place before will be rocky.
For example, if the first time you set a boundary for your child is when they are a teenager, chances are, it won’t go smoothly. But, if you start setting boundaries when they are toddlers, then the child might throw a tantrum, but they learn early on when mommy says “no,” she means, “no.”

With your mom it’s the same thing. It may be rocky, but setting boundaries will eventually set your free and if your mom respects your boundaries, and you hers, then the relationship will grow stronger.

You might want to talk to a therapist who has experience with family relationships and boundaries.

Thank you for this. I will definitely look into this book!

 

[LaSainte]

I’m sorry.

It wouldn’t hurt to apologize for your part of the argument.

You need to figure out what you need to do to get along with your mom in a way that does not include turning into a 35 year old toddler. (believe me I can turn into a 43 year old toddler with my mom if I let her get to me)

Even if it includes having a little song play in your mind when she tells you stuff that is hurtful. Don’t allow yourself to become provoked.

Mary Gail, thank you for your wisdom and kindness. Your posts always make sense and come from such a kind place.

 

[chaela_may]

chaela_may;9898828:

this applies doubly, since you can’t expect children to completely ignorant of how their mother treats their grandmother.

Or how grandmother treats their mom.

It seems that LaSainte’s mom according to the OP was being hyper critical. LaSainte never answered her mom back, she just spoke about it with her DH. She also tried to make amends by helping all while mom was being hostile.

The only thing she might be concerned with was venting to her DH. I’m not sure she was committing detraction. It’s one thing to say, " My mom makes me want to smack my head against the wall!" and another, “My mom steals periodically from Walmart” the former would be just venting, the latter could be detraction.

you’re right, of course. the children will be just as affected by their grandmother mistreating their mother as vice versa and, more than that, any conflict between the trusted adults in their lives can be very traumatizing to children, thus the professional advice that we often hear about adults not fighting in front of kids. i wasn’t saying that she did anything wrong, per se, although i also refrain from taking sides in an argument where i’ve only heard once side of the story, even on a forum. i was more trying to point out the high standards that she probably wants to set for her children. she can’t change her mother and i’m sure that, in coming here for advice, op wasn’t just trying to get us all to nod our heads and say that this is all horrible and that her mother is completely in the wrong and that there’s nothing that can be done. not doing wrong things is not the same as doing all the right things and we can always improve and do better.

 

[chaela_may]

Thanks for the responses everyone! Well, it just got a whole lot worse mom just came home and told me that she didn’t want me to be angry, but that I don’t get my kids out enough, they watch too much tv, I have no friends, and she knows that the only reason I am considering homeschooling my kids is so that I don’t actually have to go anywhere with them, asked me if i had gone off my meds…Well, needless to say, that did it.

the best thing, in such a situation, is to be informed. how much sun kids need and how much hurts them, how much exercise they need and what kind is best for them, how much tv is good for them and how much is bad are all quantitative and have been researched. here are some examples:

how much sun is good for kids and when sunscreen is appropriate, according to the american academy of pediatrics:
aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/pages/Sun-and-Water-Safety-Tips.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token

the famous rule of two (children under 2 shouldn’t be watching any tv at all and children over 2 should watch a maximum of 2 hours every day and with supervision), also according to the american academy of pediatrics:
healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/Where-We-Stand-TV-Viewing-Time.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token

if you have research to back up your methods, then there’s little she can do but attack your sources and, depending on your sources, that might make her take a step back and really think about what she’s saying. then again, if the research backs her up, then you have some thinking of your own to do.

as for the comments about your personal life, you should just do your best to forgive her and move on. those were very hurtful things to say, but they aren’t quantitative either (who’s to say how many friends is enough?), so you can’t use research to back up your position.

I ended up saying some rude and sarcastic things that evidently hurt HER feelings, such as “Just because you screwed your kids up when they were little doesn’t mean you can go back and try to fix it all now when they’re 35” and “What good did your gaggle of cronies do you when dad died?”, that how I raise my children is not really any of her business and a few other gems.

goodness. those were hurtful.

Mortal sin? I was provoked!

I will mention it next time I go to confession, but I’m not sure if I should refrain from Communion until then.

whether or not your should refrain from communion depends on how provoked you really feel you were. if you were provoked past endurance and were really not in control of your emotions at the time, then that counts as not giving full consent, which would definitely mean that you’re not in mortal sin and can receive Holy Eucharist and might not even have sinned at all if you were not in control of yourself. naturally, you should still go to confession, even for imperfections, because the grace you receive is so beneficial.