Not in love anymore

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OK, not to seem like I’m attacking the woman involved in this, but there is some burden on her part to leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband. She seems to have a lot of emotional, financial, and physical ties to her parents now.

It crushes a man’s self-esteem to have a woman continually go to her parents over relationship issues. Her request to stay near (or with, i’m not sure) her parents and let her husband go it alone indicates to me that she is not fully committed to the two of them and still holds too many ties to her parents.

Parents are no substitutes for our spouses. They should never come between man and wife. I think she needs to establish some boundaries and make certain her priority is her husband, her children then her parents. Until she does so, she is no more committed to the marriage than he seems to be.
 
Irish Beca, I have really been praying for you.

I am not trying to jump on you, just trying to get all the story here. Was your hubby okay with you taking money from your family? I don’t know if your husband is like mine but he really would not want us to take money from family members. Was the financial gift from your dad something that you both talked and agreed about before hand?

You said that the counselor’s only wanted to talk about your husband’s PTSD and didn’t want to work on saving your marriage. I think that maybe your husband’s PTSD is so huge an issue that working on it IS working on your marriage.

If you remain in Japan please continue to get some counseling with your hubby even if it is not Catholic based.
 
GhostMan said:
OK, not to seem like I’m attacking the woman involved in this, but there is some burden on her part to leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband. She seems to have a lot of emotional, financial, and physical ties to her parents now.

It crushes a man’s self-esteem to have a woman continually go to her parents over relationship issues. Her request to stay near (or with, i’m not sure) her parents and let her husband go it alone indicates to me that she is not fully committed to the two of them and still holds too many ties to her parents.

Parents are no substitutes for our spouses. They should never come between man and wife. I think she needs to establish some boundaries and make certain her priority is her husband, her children then her parents. Until she does so, she is no more committed to the marriage than he seems to be.
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I agree. I think that some of the advice on here is way off base. Irish Becca, you are a great person. But don’t give up. The people who have made peace did so after many years of heartache AFTER the decision to divorce. Our society is so quick to just say get out of a depressing or challenging situation. God didn’t give us the gift of marriage to make it easy. He gave it because it IS hard. It purifies us as partners. You are being tested, in horrible, horrible ways. I agree. But don’t give up. Don’t give up. Do try to seperate from your parents, do read that book Love and Respect and try to find a Catholic counselor before you leave for Japan.
 
You know, a lot of times people will give you advice that you can’t leave your marriage. They want you to stubbornly cling to something that is downright dangerous and unhealthy. Fortunately this is not what the Church teaches. A person who puts a gun to his head as a threat to get someone to do what he wants is not a safe person. Add to that a drinking problem and not wanting to address his issues…it’s a dangerous situation to demand that a woman stay in.
 
dulcissima said:
You know, a lot of times people will give you advice that you can’t leave your marriage. They want you to stubbornly cling to something that is downright dangerous and unhealthy. Fortunately this is not what the Church teaches. A person who puts a gun to his head as a threat to get someone to do what he wants is not a safe person. Add to that a drinking problem and not wanting to address his issues…it’s a dangerous situation to demand that a woman stay in.
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I’ve been on threads in which there was definite abuse and I have always advised the person to exit the situation.

Unless there is more to this story then Irishbeca is telling us-possible- I am not yet reading abuse here. There does seem to be mothering on IrishBeca’s side and disrespect on his side. Many men see mothering as being disrespectful to them too.

There is a porn addiction and the man has a problem with PTSD. Whether the marriage can be saved or not, I don’t know.

Very rarely is a failed marriage one person’s fault. What we are hearing-with all due respect to IrishBeca who seems very, very sweet- is her side of the story.

I’ve seen marriages fall apart and honestly, when I talk to the seperate individuals involved in the divorce they almost always without fail make the marriage faliure sound like the opposite parties fault.Most divorce stories sound worse then Irish Becas! Yet, almost all the couples that I knew before the divorce had two individuals who were doing things wrong and destructive to the marriage.

The problem is if the individuals involved in the divorce don’t admit to themselves how they made mistakes in the marriage, they are doomed to repeat those same mistakes in the next marriage.
 
The reason that I keep harping on the mothering aspects of your posts IrishBeca is because I used to do this myself.

I created a vicious cycle in my marriage. I told my husband what I thought he should do, he resented me, I resented him for not listening to me and we both were unhappy. If he did as I told him, I grew strangely bitter because how do you respect someone who childishly obeys you?

Of course my husband-being less verbal then me- reacted in a passive aggressive way. His humor has always been sarcastic and grew more so.

It took a lot of prayer for me to admit that I was doing something wrong in the marriage also. Let’s face it, why was I assuming that I knew best about everything any way? Marriage is not supposed to be about one person making all the decisions. That is what I was doing. I TOLD my husband to study for his E-6 test(ironically just like you) and he didn’t. I TOLD him to go to college(and he didn’t.)

You sound so much like me that I wonder if we had time warped somewhere.:ehh:

My hubby was not addicted to porn and didn’t prefer his buddies to being with me. So my marriage had some pluses that yours sadly does not. But then again, I didn’t having loving parents willing to help me emotionally get divorced either.

Look, maybe divorce is the best thing for you. I don’t know. But if you don’t do an honest analyst of yourself you will just make the same mistakes if you marry again. That isn’t to say that you are the cause of the brunt of your marital problems. Just that you can grow as a person from this whole experience.
 
deb1 said:
I’ve been on threads in which there was definite abuse and I have always advised the person to exit the situation.

Unless there is more to this story then Irishbeca is telling us-possible- I am not yet reading abuse here. There does seem to be mothering on IrishBeca’s side and disrespect on his side. Many men see mothering as being disrespectful to them too.
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You are right, deb, I was getting this thread confused with another similar one where the husband is in the military and the couple is stationed overseas. In that case the husband had taken out a gun and threatened to kill himself if she wouldn’t marry him. That is why I was referring to this as a dangerous situation. Sorry to the OP if I confused things here.

Although, alcoholism, a porn habit, and passive-aggressive behavior are pretty serious problems. The husband in this thread does need to realize that there can be serious consequences for not dealing with these issues.
 
Thank you again for your replies. Today is our last day in Ohio. Since we talked, my husband has made a concerted effort to make this marriage work, from what I can tell. He has not had a drink. This alone has made a huge difference. He is nicer, more positive, and starting to remind me of how he was during the 18-month good spell in our marriage. He also vehemently denies looking at porn, and I did a scan and nothing showed up. Unless he has found a way to get past that, then he is telling the truth. I bought him a green scapular, which he has worn the whole time.

We are all going to go home together for this last year in Japan. I have arranged with my school here to take online classes to prepare for the nursing entrance exam when we get back. The kids are excited to get back, too. My husband plans to start back this summer, to, with two classes until he gets his degree.

I understand some of the constructive criticism I have received in my part of this. I am certainly not blameless. When we were dating and first married, I was a lot different. I was 20/21, liked to drink and party, didn’t go to church, rustled around the house for money that wasn’t mine, etc. My husband encouraged me to take my parents’ checks and overwrite them, which I did and am to blame. Not huge amounts, just $20 here and there. There were a lot of awful things that happened during that time. He didn’t respect my parents, and I don’t believe he does now. He has absolutely no problem accepting money from my parents. I have asked him, actually with the hope that he WOULD have a problem with it, but he doesn’t. We don’t accept or need any financial help from my parents when we’re in Japan, but when we come home, they always offer to give us some spending money and help pay for our tickets, which are very expensive.

There are sexual problems as well - things I think are very strange, beyond the normal “spicing things up” in a marriage. There is nothing illegal, but things I would consider very sinful, things that may or may not still go on today. I bought “Theology of the Body” to read, but I don’t think he will read it. I just don’t trust him at all. I wonder if he has a character flaw, a problem with feeling empathy. I thought I mentioned how mean he was when my brother died, selfish and angry that he was helping my family during their grief, blew up at me and told me he was tired of being my family’s “little b----.”

I want you to know that it’s true I am very close to my family, but I have never told my family about any of the problems in my marriage until now, and that was only because they saw him running out of the computer room, and my dad saw him treat me unkindly. My mom asked me to talk with her, and this was when everything came pouring out. My parents were horrified to find this out, and I haven’t even told them the half of it. When we were first married, my husband promised me that he would provide a good life, go to college, work hard for the family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hold him to that. I trusted him fully and completely then, believed him with all my heart. I didn’t start out having little faith in him, that developed over time.

This last year is do or die. This is our last effort. I don’t want to go except that I want my kids to grow up in a happy, two-parent home. That is the ONLY thing keeping me going with this. I hope I can rediscover the love I had for him before, I truly do.

Again, THANK YOU for your prayers. I know God can work miracles. I am praying for all of you. I pray my heart changes. Thank you.
 
Becca,
That is awesome. I have been praying for your family everyday. There are great resources out there like Military OneSource for counseling as you go back to Japan to help you in your journey.

My only small piece of contention with your comments is to not put a limit on it and say "this is his last chance.’ If you start with that attitude, you are going to find some way that he will fall short and some way to “justify” you leaving. But the truth is we all fall short and regress at certain times. Both you and him will have times where you fail. It has to start with an attitude of forgiveness. That being said though…hold him to his promise, but not in a nagging way. Be the supportive wife that you are. Respect him, love him, treasure him. Let him be your HERO again. You’ll be surprised with the results.

As with the porn issue, there are some really good threads on this site about it. Porn is a secretive thing. He may actually be struggling with it and too embarrassed to admit it. Put the computer in a very public place. Sin like mold lives in darkness. But it will lose its grip on him through a prayerful life for both of you (maybe you could lead a family rosary every night or once a week) and improved relations (intimate and daily life). Becca, you are an amazing woman. You are very strong and loving. He is a lucky guy. God will bless your faithfulness.

God rewards a faithful marriage and can do all things…
 
Hello Becca I just wanted to say you should have your own private savings so in case there is ever an emergency, of any kind, you can take care of things.
 
Guys hate the feeling that they’ve let their wives down or have somehow fallen short of what their wives envisioned them to be. The best advice I can give is work with a kind of “fake it till you make it” mentality.

What I mean is that a woman such as yourself who has lost that loving feeling wears her disappointment on her face. She brings it home and brings it to her husband. It gets to a point where you’ll find your husband will look for any reason not to be around you because, while you feel he’s a downer, odds are he feels exactly the same way about you.

I’ve always said that, in my household, my wife’s mood completely determines the overall mood of the house. When she’s down, she brings me down. When she’s up, we’re all up. You said you’re not allowed to be upset about certain things. I’d ask you this:

Do you ever get the feeling that you do more complaining than anything else? My own wife once admitted to me that she is really trying to work on what she perceives to be a natural instinct to complain about every little thing. Our marriage survives the rough spots because we both have the ability to look within ourselves and see where WE need to improve.

If you can convincingly FAKE a good mood for a few days IN A ROW, you might be pleasantly surprised with how much better things start to feel around the house. I’m not saying this is all you, but since your husband isn’t the one asking for advice, I’d start with working on your own behavior and seeing if your husband’s behavior follows suit.
 
Becca,
I also fell out of love with my military husband for a time. Things were not going well in several areas of our lives and I was bitter and resentful.
Today, I am so thankful I stuck it out. THANK GOD I didn’t leave him and get a divorce. I look at my happy, well-adjusted children and praise God that I stayed with my husband. I also have fallen in love with him all over again.
What happened? First, I changed my attitude. I started showing respect and admiration for him all the time. He just blossomed under this and began treating me like a queen, which I really like.
Also, I completely stopped criticizing him. I now let him do what he pleases and just let him suffer the consequences of his actions, without a word. It works surprisingly well.
Third, I had to re-think my attitude. It is not my responsibility to mother my husband, and to make sure he does everything right. I stopped that and I am much happier. I now spend time in a career I greatly enjoy and let my husband handle his career as he wishes.
Fourth, I am much more devout now about Mass, Confession, prayer, etc. PRAY to have love for your husband and for the Holy Spirit’s help in conquering your resentment, and to help you keep quiet. It really does work.
I’ve been through what you’re going through, and you do have to give him some time. But at least try to smother him with unlimited respect and admiration and just see what happens.🤷
 
Irish Becca, I’m so sorry that your family is in such pain.

The only possibly constructive thought I can add to this discussion is that, to my nonprofessional eye, your husband might be depressed. Everything I’ve read about depression in men came to my mind as I read your description of his behavior. Given his history, it wouldn’t be surprising.

I wonder whether his reaction when your brother died was sparked by the contrast between the abuse and dysfunction he suffered and the familial love he sees in your background. It seems plausible that he might feel anger at what he missed and should have experienced when it all slaps him in the face like that.

One last thing, and it may or may not be appropriate: I have noticed that men seem intensely sensitive to anything that resembles public criticism from their wives. He may have seen even your mild agreement with the discussion about alcohol as putting him down in front of other people, as disloyal. I’m not saying this is a rational reaction, just that I’ve seen it before.

You are in a difficult situation, caring for your sons, trying to balance the clearly desperate needs of your husband with your own needs and emotions. I hope and pray you will find the help you all need.
 
You know i read somewhere there is no better gift a Mother can give a child or a Father can give a child then to love eachother. Love gets better as the years go by, trust me, it will get stronger and stronger if you give it a chance. everyone goes thru times in their lives that they have doubts, thats normal. But remember those people that stuck it out will all tell you, you dont find out until 25 or so years later how blessed you really were. Stick with God and trust him, he will listen, all you have to do is go to him. He will never lead you astray. Just keep praying for the grace to do what he wants you to do. He will help you.
 
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