Not invited to Thanksgiving with my family

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ndkos

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Hi everyone,

My family is not inviting me to Thanksgiving. Their reason officially is because they do not want me to talk to my sister or her husband (because I wanted to object to her wedding, and my reason for objecting must be quite good if they want to silence me).

But really, for years I have not been invited to family functions. The real reason I am not invited today is I am the family scapegoat.

Once when I was younger, I was kicked out of the house on Christmas Eve, and had to go to the homeless shelter, for the first time in my life. (And I never did drink, use drugs, or get arrested, not that their treatment would be okay then too).

So I am feeling miserable today. And I feel miserable because Church authorities don’t want to listen to my warning about my sister. No one cares if she has abused in the past, and no one cares if she will abuse in the future.

Other than that, my day has been quite good.
 
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Maybe a trusted priest?
 
Thank you for your reply. That is a good idea. I do have two priests who I know well who serve at the same parish, and I think I will ask them if they will have Christmas dinner with me (and it could be a day or two before to fit in with their schedules). I will do that.

But there is no one I can reach today.
 
I would suggest that you assume you are not invited to family functions and make alternate plans. People will sometimes invite you over if they know you are going to be alone. Some of us have real problems with our family so you are not alone.
 
I’m sorry you haven’t been welcome in your family. That’s hardest especially around the holidays. I will pray for you. God bless you!
 
ndkos said:
Hi everyone,

My family is not inviting me to Thanksgiving. Their reason officially is because they do not want me to talk to my sister or her husband (because I wanted to object to her wedding, and my reason for objecting must be quite good if they want to silence me).

But really, for years I have not been invited to family functions. The real reason I am not invited today is I am the family scapegoat.

Once when I was younger, I was kicked out of the house on Christmas Eve, and had to go to the homeless shelter, for the first time in my life. (And I never did drink, use drugs, or get arrested, not that their treatment would be okay then too).

So I am feeling miserable today. And I feel miserable because Church authorities don’t want to listen to my warning about my sister. No one cares if she has abused in the past, and no one cares if she will abuse in the future.

Other than that, my day has been quite good.
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Why did you want to object to her wedding? When, where, and how did you plan on doing so? Did you plan on making an issue of it at Thanksgiving?

I’m in a similar position. Technically, I’m ‘invited’ to things. But as the family scapegoat in an alcoholic family, it has been made clear to me that I will be treated as the problem child, yelled at, blamed, humiliated, etc–and my father has backed up those who do these things. Long story short, cutting out all the great details–I choose not to go to a place where I’m snubbed, raged at, and humiliated.

My father has also repeatedly threatened to kick me out in the past.

My kids spend part of the day with me, then go over to spend time with my parents and siblings–which continues to tell my parents/siblings there is no cost to them for treating me like this.

I feel for you. Make alternate plans. Spend the day with friends. Invite people to your place who you know will also be alone. I have a neighbor and friend I invite for almost every holiday, as they would spend those days largely alone. I enjoy the day.
 
ndkos said:
Hi everyone,

My family is not inviting me to Thanksgiving. Their reason officially is because they do not want me to talk to my sister or her husband (because I wanted to object to her wedding, and my reason for objecting must be quite good if they want to silence me).

But really, for years I have not been invited to family functions. The real reason I am not invited today is I am the family scapegoat.

Once when I was younger, I was kicked out of the house on Christmas Eve, and had to go to the homeless shelter, for the first time in my life. (And I never did drink, use drugs, or get arrested, not that their treatment would be okay then too).

So I am feeling miserable today. And I feel miserable because Church authorities don’t want to listen to my warning about my sister. No one cares if she has abused in the past, and no one cares if she will abuse in the future.

Other than that, my day has been quite good.
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I’m so sorry. I didn’t spend today with my family either for a myriad of reasons. Unfortunately, we can’t pick our family, and sometimes it’s best to just forget about them and surround ourselves with people who do love us. No one is poor who has friends.
 
holyrood said:
Why did you want to object to her wedding? When, where, and how did you plan on doing so? Did you plan on making an issue of it at Thanksgiving?
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No, I did not plan to make an issue of it. But since my sister’s engagement, there has been a ‘cordon sanitaire’ around me. I have not seen my sister since the engagement. I have never seen her husband. I have not seen any members of my extended family who live in the area since the engagement. I do not exist to them.

I do not wish to talk too much about my sister’s wedding, but I feel it was totally fake because of her character. She abuses so hard and her wounds hit so deep. And the Church is totally uninterested in her character. I have gotten a message - and this is almost an exact quote because I remember it well - “no amount of abuse, no matter how serious, invalidates a Catholic wedding.” What nonsense! Imagine if Maria in the Sound of Music was abusive to the children, again and again and again.

But this is just the same disregard for children and the same “follow the rules, no matter what” mentality which got us into the sex abuse crisis, and subsequently hurt the credibility of the vast majority of priest who never did anything wrong in this area.

I am so sorry you had to suffer so much yourself. I wish I could offer you advice but I am clueless as to even my own life. I will pray for you though.

Thank you for your message.
 
I just want to say to all on this thread:

Thank you for all of your messages and thank you even more for your prayers!
 
Sounds an act of mercy frankly

Solitude can be a huge blessing.

And you can help many others…
 
How do you think the Church is not interested in your sister or her “abuses.” If she is abusing children than someone should be calling child protective services, not the Church, as the Church really can not do much about the civil problems-i.e.-separation of church and state. I feel that you may have left out some important information in the matter. However, I will pray for your intent and for your family. I do feel for you. Years ago I was on my way back from my mother’s funeral on Thanksgiving Day so I share your sadness. Peace and prayers.
 
ndkos said:
I just want to say to all on this thread:
Thank you for all of your messages and thank you even more for your prayers!
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The worth of a person is evident by whoever hates her. If bad people snub you, then you must be good. My family is also messed up and yes, they have a habit of kicking out whoever doesn’t conform to their group fantasy. One thing that scapegoats like us should avoid is being the messenger of bad news. I spoke out against abuse in my family and got a heightened form of persecution. They blocked me from closure with my dying father and sister and also cheated me out of property. This is the way certain people show their “love”.

I don’t expect, given what you said about your sister that Thanksgiving is a joyful get together at their place. Maybe you should check out for other holidays such as Christmas just in case, to help at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter to give some cheer to unfortunates who will contrary to your family, will appreciate and love you.

Don’t be discouraged. You are not alone.
 
Mary_Estelle said:
How do you think the Church is not interested in your sister or her “abuses.” If she is abusing children than someone should be calling child protective services, not the Church, as the Church really can not do much about the civil problems-i.e.-separation of church and state.
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It is emotional abuse, not physical or sexual, which is perfectly legal.

And my sister is a holier than thou type. She would respond if the Church cared, but fortunately for her they do not.

And how do I know. I have talked to maybe a dozen priests, and one bishop, and most of their responses are so obscene, outrageously obscene.
 
zamyrabyrd said:
The worth of a person is evident by whoever hates her. If bad people snub you, then you must be good. My family is also messed up and yes, they have a habit of kicking out whoever doesn’t conform to their group fantasy. One thing that scapegoats like us should avoid is being the messenger of bad news. I spoke out against abuse in my family and got a heightened form of persecution. They blocked me from closure with my dying father and sister and also cheated me out of property. This is the way certain people show their “love”.
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I am sorry for what you had to go through, especially with dying family members

I agree with all of what you say except for two parts. The first is the assumption that I must be good. My second disagreement is your advice to stop being the massager of bad news. I will say what my conscience tells me to say, and I do try to inform it well.

What is so interesting to me is my family are ‘devout Catholics,’ and the definition of a ‘devout Catholic’ almost always is someone who believes in orthodox Catholic teaching, but there is no requirement about loving your neighbor (or family member in our cases). Appealing to Catholic authorities often gets nowhere because they are ‘devout Catholics.’

Anyways, thank you for your kind words.
 
ndkos said:
No, I did not plan to make an issue of it. But since my sister’s engagement, there has been a ‘cordon sanitaire’ around me. I have not seen my sister since the engagement. I have never seen her husband. I have not seen any members of my extended family who live in the area since the engagement. I do not exist to them.

I do not wish to talk too much about my sister’s wedding, but I feel it was totally fake because of her character. She abuses so hard and her wounds hit so deep. And the Church is totally uninterested in her character. I have gotten a message - and this is almost an exact quote because I remember it well - “no amount of abuse, no matter how serious, invalidates a Catholic wedding.” What nonsense! Imagine if Maria in the Sound of Music was abusive to the children, again and again and again.

But this is just the same disregard for children and the same “follow the rules, no matter what” mentality which got us into the sex abuse crisis, and subsequently hurt the credibility of the vast majority of priest who never did anything wrong in this area.

I am so sorry you had to suffer so much yourself. I wish I could offer you advice but I am clueless as to even my own life. I will pray for you though.

Thank you for your message.
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I am sorry you are going through this – it’s very sad, especially at the holidays.

I’m not sure who your sister has abused in the past – but it’s true that abuse in and of itself does not invalidate a marriage.

Perhaps you could reach out to your family before Christmas to see if you could spend some time with them that day? You could reassure them that of course you will not be bringing up your sister’s marriage during holiday visiting – after all, it’s actually none of your business. That might smooth the way for a happier Christmas for everybody.

Blessings!
 
ndkos said:
It is emotional abuse, not physical or sexual, which is perfectly legal.

And my sister is a holier than thou type. She would respond if the Church cared, but fortunately for her they do not.

And how do I know. I have talked to maybe a dozen priests, and one bishop, and most of their responses are so obscene, outrageously obscene.
Click to expand...
Actually emotional or verbal abuse is illegal depending on the content and who the abuse is directed upon, such as an elder or child. The Church can not really do much to prevent such abuses outside confession, willing counseling, or direct evidence of harmful abuse.

Remember in your relationships with family, “It takes two to Tango” or more, so don’t poke the bear. If Jesus could forgive the sinner, shouldn’t we? I know rejection hurts and often festers until it becomes a big “boil” It may be entirely up to you to make peace in the family even if you feel that you are the wounded one.

It is so hard to address a problem without really knowing all that is involved, who is at fault or by long distance. The only thing I can offer is my prayers for you and your family. You have my prayers. Peace.
 
I am not welcome at my parents’ house on the holidays, either. I am also the family scapegoat.

I am sorry you are going through this. Enjoy the holidays with those who want to be around you. Friends, neighbors, etc.

I will pray for you.
 
ndkos said:
I am sorry for what you had to go through, especially with dying family members. I agree with all of what you say except for two parts. The first is the assumption that I must be good. My second disagreement is your advice to stop being the massager of bad news. I will say what my conscience tells me to say, and I do try to inform it well.
What is so interesting to me is my family are ‘devout Catholics,’ and the definition of a ‘devout Catholic’ almost always is someone who believes in orthodox Catholic teaching, but there is no requirement about loving your neighbor (or family member in our cases). Appealing to Catholic authorities often gets nowhere because they are ‘devout Catholics.’
Anyways, thank you for your kind words.
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After I wrote “bearer of bad news”, I realized I should have explained myself better.
Speaking out against abuse is morally compulsory but the caveat I should have added was, “with the intent or expectation of changing someone”.

This is where I got into trouble big time with my family, because I was hoping that once the culprit was revealed, everyone would say “Eureka” and we would be on the road to a happy family. The truth is they were not ready to hear in their own states of development that our mother is a narcissist. Those involved with her and one sibling who was dependent on her as his wife died and my mother was helping to take care of his kid while he was working, well, he could not sever himself from his rationalizations about her in order to have a civil working relationship. My mother admitted to me how “happy” she was to quit her job so as to stay home and get as good a salary or even better from my brother. This to me was really disgusting. I cut myself off from the two of them for quite a few years after that since if I spoke to them, I couldn’t help myself from exploding.

I had the advantage of distance (live abroad), education (am a voracious reader, made it my business to study psychology as much as I could),extensive experience with people as a teacher and also some good therapists. Calling out abuse in my own family was like speaking a completely different language to them. Their problem is having to adjust to an abnormal situation over decades. No wonder it makes their thinking processes crooked!

On the other hand, I have to protect myself. I cannot be sucked into their dysfunction. I will call out their abuse but also keep a distance.

As for so-called devout Catholics, I have known those who think all they need to do is go through the motions. If they outwardly keep the rules, go to Mass, etc., then they think they are safe! Not! They are just like the Pharisees Jesus excoriated. What they sin on is substance. They follow the letter of the Law but not the spirit.

I do believe that the character of whoever may hate you, is some indication of self worth. OK, it is not valid in every case because thieves can hate thieves, etc., but the hatred for good, or good people, is on an entirely different level. There’s quite a bit of jealousy mixed in the latter and desire to tear the object of their hatred down into the mud with them.
 
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