Not married in the Catholic church yet trying to come back

[jenr910]

Hello, I am Catholic, I practiced my whole life until I was 18 and wasn’t “forced” to go to mass by my parents anymore. I didn’t go for almost 10 years and am just now coming back into practicing my faith. I went to confession and was told to come in to talk about getting my marriage regonized by the church, in order to be cleared to receive communion.

So I went in to register with the church and was a bit put off by how I was treated. The priest didn’t speak good english so he was hard to understand. Before he would answer any of my questions he wanted me to fill out the registration forms. Once I did he shook his head and gave them back to me saying I didn’t fill out my Husbands info. I explained that My husband isn’t Catholic, never was baptised and didn’t plan on joining the church, this was about myself and me trying to come back and be a better catholic. He said My husband was the head of my household please fill out his info, so I did. Then he asked about when we have children would my husband be okay with raising them Catholic. I explained that Children weren’t in our plans but if God’s plan was to have children then yes he would be fine with it. He just kept shaking his head at me. Then rudly told me I had to come to PreCana with my husband and then get in line to get married at their church. Could take over a year until I’m allowed to receive communion. I felt heartbroken and told the preist that I felt like he was making this about my husband and that I didn’t feel welcomed back to church at all.

I still have been going even though I hate come communion that I feel like the lowly sinner still sitting in the pew. I have a meeting tonight with the Pastor of the church for some clarification.

Is this normal? I have to say that I don’t feel comfortable having to put my non Catholic husband thru Pre Cana when we are already married, though I know he is willing to do whatever I need him to. I feel like despite not getting married in a church, God was present and it’s more of the Churches issue than God’s or mine. I have confessed and repented, why can’t I be forgiven? I really feel like some things the church should change with the times. I go every week and see hardly anyone attending, not like it was when I was a kid. And most of the attndees are senior citizens. I would love to try to help bring others my age back to church but not if I feel like Chruch won’t have me.

 

[1ke]

Yes, a Catholic seeking to have an invalid marriage convalidated has to go through premarital counseling (different dioceses have different programs such as Pre Cana), conduct the premarital interview/investigation/paperwork, and yes this can take 6 months to a year.

While you have repented for being away from the Church you are still objectively in a state that requires correction before you can receive the Sacraments again. As long as you are in an invalid marriage-- and having sexual relations-- you are in a state of sin. You can stop having relations, and then can return immediately to the Sacraments. Most non-Catholic spouses don’t go for that.

The Church isn’t treating you badly. You made bad decisions, and the Church is ready and willing to help you correct them. You have to be willing to do what it takes.

I don’t know what you mean by the Church needing to “change with the times.” The Truth does not change. God’s Law does not change.

 

[HappyRevert]

Welcome Back! I too strayed and came back, you will be glad that you did.

I also had to be “remarried” in the Catholic church. I’m not sure of your situation, but definitely talk to the other pastor for clarification if you aren’t sure of your exact situation. I didn’t have to go through Pre-Cana again (because we were already married) but I’m unsure if they waived it or what because at the time, it wasn’t important to me, just that I get everything the way it should be so I just did as I was told.

As for communion, don’t feel bad about sitting in the pew. No one knows you are a returning Catholic, they probably assume you are just checking it out and are a convert not yet ready to receive.

Don’t be put off by the paperwork. The church is trying to make sure that your marriage is a sacrament and not just a contract. That is one thing about our faith that is confusing to most people. We don’t think a marriage is just an agreement to live together and split our property, but a way to bring each other to God. That is why they take it so seriously that everything be in order.

Another thing that struck me from your comments is that maybe you need a different parish? If you have trouble communicating with the priest, that is a big problem. Especially when you are going through a sort of re-catechization (if that’s a word). There are so many beautiful and wondrous things in our faith, I would hate for you to miss out on them because you can’t understand your priest.

 

[jenr910]

Thank you. I have been emailing with another priest from a neighboring parish who has been very nice and helpful. I have yet to go and check out that parish because I have been enjoying mine except for this one meeting with this one priest. Tonights meeting will make my decsion for me, the other parish seems to be more willing to take me.

I have to say had I have to do it over again I don’t think I would have. My husband isn’t catholic and wouldn’t have felt right getting married in church, which is why we didn’t. I have many friends from growing up who all got married to Catholics in a church though none of them are practicing, They all did what they needed to do just to have a church wedding but now don’t go to mass or practice their faith. I feel like in the churches eyes that make them better. Which I just can’t wrap my head around.

I do want my marriage to be blessed and I don’t look at it as just a civil union, but me coming back to the Catholic Church is about me, I don’t feel comfortable making my husband do anything.

 

[1ke]

I feel like in the churches eyes that make them better. Which I just can’t wrap my head around.

You might “feel” this way, but it is not true.

Your friends married in the Church and followed the Church law. That makes their marriages valid and a Sacrament. That does not make them “better” than you.

That in no way excuses any sins they are currently committing-- such as not attending Mass, etc. They are accountable for their actions.

I do want my marriage to be blessed and I don’t look at it as just a civil union, but me coming back to the Catholic Church is about me, I don’t feel comfortable making my husband do anything.

Your husband will have to be part of the process. It is not only about you coming back to the Church, it is also about your marriage-- which involves both of you.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Thank you. I have been emailing with another priest from a neighboring parish who has been very nice and helpful. I have yet to go and check out that parish because I have been enjoying mine except for this one meeting with this one priest. Tonights meeting will make my decsion for me, the other parish seems to be more willing to take me.

I have to say had I have to do it over again I don’t think I would have. My husband isn’t catholic and wouldn’t have felt right getting married in church, which is why we didn’t. I have many friends from growing up who all got married to Catholics in a church though none of them are practicing, They all did what they needed to do just to have a church wedding but now don’t go to mass or practice their faith. I feel like in the churches eyes that make them better. Which I just can’t wrap my head around.

I do want my marriage to be blessed and I don’t look at it as just a civil union, but me coming back to the Catholic Church is about me, I don’t feel comfortable making my husband do anything.

Well actually it’s about God. He’s calling you home for His reason, and we’re glad to have you back. However, to put it bluntly, you are making this way too much about YOU and not about the task at hand. We are ALL subject to the rules regarding Holy Matrimony.

Yes, you went to confession, but you also went about a Sacrament incorrectly, and must fix that. I don’t know why you picture yourself the “lowly sinner sitting in a pew,” as your fellow Catholics aren’t going to judge why it is someone didn’t get up to take communion. Furthermore, I don’t understand why it is you are trying to “buck the system.” A need for instant gratification perhaps? Again, we are all subject to the same rules, you are no different, more special/less special than any of God’s children. You judge your friends’ faith or lack thereof and compare it to your situation. Why? This isn’t about your friends and this isn’t a “who’s holier than who” situation. In the church’s eyes their marriages are valid, they did it the right way the first time. Whether or not they practice their faith is between them and God. It has nothing to do with you.

So, may I say I hope you find a good priest/parish, that your journey back is easy, that your patience is renewed, and your desire to come home will help you to understand and accept the right way to go about it. Nobody is trying to block you from coming home, they are just trying to make sure you do it the right way. That’s all. Don’t worry – you’ll get communion soon enough! Be Patient!!!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Thank you. I have been emailing with another priest from a neighboring parish who has been very nice and helpful. I have yet to go and check out that parish because I have been enjoying mine except for this one meeting with this one priest. Tonights meeting will make my decsion for me, the other parish seems to be more willing to take me.That’s wonderful. The other priest seems to have a language barrier, and doesn’t seem to understand what you’re trying to tell him. To be fair, most parishes will want your hubby’s name, even if he’s not registering in the parish. They will not pester him, I promise.

I have to say had I have to do it over again I don’t think I would have. My husband isn’t catholic and wouldn’t have felt right getting married in church, which is why we didn’t. I have many friends from growing up who all got married to Catholics in a church though none of them are practicing, They all did what they needed to do just to have a church wedding but now don’t go to mass or practice their faith. I feel like in the churches eyes that make them better. Which I just can’t wrap my head around. It didn’t make them better, because we can’t know what’s in their hearts. It could have been with the right intention. It also could’ve been to please Mom and Dad, or to have a really nice backdrop for their ceremony. But just because he isn’t Catholic doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have been able to get married in the Church. It’s a very simple dispensation. BTW- Your DH does not have to convert for there to be a convadlidation.

I do want my marriage to be blessed and I don’t look at it as just a civil union, but me coming back to the Catholic Church is about me, I don’t feel comfortable making my husband do anything. There are actually two ways to do this. The easiest way is to have the marriage convalidated. This other parish and the other priest might not make you wait a year to do that (and a year sounds like a long time for a convalidation, but I don’t live in PA), and the language barrier might not be there. Once you’ve completed the marriage prep, it can be as simple as a ten minute ceremony, just you two, the priests, and two witnesses. Some people try to add more to it, and there’s always going to be the convalidated bride who wants more pomp and ceremony than the Pope to make up for what she didn’t get the first time, but the heart of the matter is a seven-to-ten minute Liturgy of the Word with the vows witnessed and ratified. Perhaps your husband would consider this a good Valentine’s Day present? Perhaps some time after Easter, in the Spring, very romantic but quick? Maybe in the summer, around 4th of July?

 

[jenr910]

Thanks for everyones reply and welcome back to my faith.

Your right I have been making it about me. When I started to come back I felt so good and full of hope which I haven’t felt in awhile and it felt great to do something for myself as I tend to worry about others before me. I guess I just didn’t want my husband to feel like he has to go through alot of red tape and what not so I can be a member of the church when he isn’t or has no desire to be. In that sence maybe I can worry about me. I’d do it for him if he asked me and he is my husband I’m sure he’l do it for me happily I just feel a guilty about asking him to.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Look at it this way- All he can say is no.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Thanks for everyones reply and welcome back to my faith.

Your right I have been making it about me. When I started to come back I felt so good and full of hope which I haven’t felt in awhile and it felt great to do something for myself as I tend to worry about others before me. I guess I just didn’t want my husband to feel like he has to go through alot of red tape and what not so I can be a member of the church when he isn’t or has no desire to be. In that sence maybe I can worry about me. I’d do it for him if he asked me and he is my husband I’m sure he’l do it for me happily I just feel a guilty about asking him to.

Ahhh I know how you feel. When I finished up my initial sacraments in my 20’s I worried also about my agnostic DH and him being put out. He shocked me by converting to Catholicism, and then we too had to have our marriage convalidated before he could be baptized and take communion. Actually we had to have it done almost as soon as he started RCIA> It would be one thing to just have me married to an agnostic, a whole other thing when he desired the faith! That was confusing. But we got it done. If I recall correctly I stopped taking communion for a couple weeks until the marriage was convalidated in Oct. after DH started RCIA in September.

My brain hurts trying to remember the particulars. So I’ll stop.

Burb’s advice is spot on. Don’t worry about the DH, he’ll be alright.

 

[quiet52]

So I went in to register with the church and was a bit put off by how I was treated. The priest didn’t speak good english so he was hard to understand. Before he would answer any of my questions he wanted me to fill out the registration forms. Once I did he shook his head and gave them back to me saying I didn’t fill out my Husbands info. I explained that My husband isn’t Catholic, never was baptised and didn’t plan on joining the church, this was about myself and me trying to come back and be a better catholic. He said My husband was the head of my household please fill out his info, so I did. Then he asked about when we have children would my husband be okay with raising them Catholic. ** I explained that Children weren’t in our plans but if God’s plan was to have children then yes he would be fine with it.** He just kept shaking his head at me. Then rudly told me I had to come to PreCana with my husband and then get in line to get married at their church. Could take over a year until I’m allowed to receive communion. I felt heartbroken and told the preist that I felt like he was making this about my husband and that I didn’t feel welcomed back to church at all.

Marriage is about the two of you, not just you. I’m presuming there was a question on the form asking if your husband had been married before? If he had been, the priest would have advised you that your husband would need to petition for nullity, and that the Tribunal would need to rule in his favor, before your marriage to him could be recognized. There are reasons for forms – this is one reason information about your spouse is necessary.

As for children not being in your plans – the priest you talked with apparently recognized that you do not have a full understanding of the Church’s teaching about the sacrament of Matrimony. The sacrament is not “automatic” – the pastor has the responsibility to ensure a couple is “ready” for the sacrament before the couple is married in the Catholic Church. I’m glad you want to return to the Church – I encourage you to be open to growing in your understanding of it as you prepare for the sacraments.

Can. 1063 Pastors of souls are obliged to ensure that their own church community provides for Christ’s faithful the assistance by which the married state is preserved in its Christian character and develops in perfection. This assistance is to be given principally:

1ƒ by preaching, by catechetical instruction adapted to children, young people and adults, indeed by the use of the means of social communication, so that Christ’s faithful are instructed in the meaning of Christian marriage and in the role of Christian spouses and parents;

2ƒ by personal preparation for entering marriage, so that the spouses are disposed to the holiness and the obligations of their new state;

3ƒ by the fruitful celebration of the marriage liturgy, so that it clearly emerges that the spouses manifest, and participate in, the mystery of the unity and fruitful love between Christ and the Church;

4ƒ by the help given to those who have entered marriage, so that by faithfully observing and protecting their conjugal covenant, they may day by day achieve a holier and a fuller family life.

Can. 1067 The Episcopal Conference is to lay down norms concerning the questions to be asked of the parties, the publication of marriage banns, and the other appropriate means of enquiry to be carried out before marriage. Only when he has carefully observed these norms may the parish priest assist at a marriage.

Can. 1096 ß1 For matrimonial consent to exist, it is necessary that the contracting parties be at least not ignorant of the fact that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman, ordered to the procreation of children through some form of sexual cooperation.

( from vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_INDEX.HTM )

You might also want to read what the *Catechism of the Catholic Church *says about Matrimony:

vatican.va/archive/catechism/p2s2c3a7.htm

 

[Trishie]

Welcome back Jen!

Bless you for persisting despite the initial setback!
Wishing you joy and peace as you get through all this. I left about the same age as you and came back after ten years. My husband wasn’t interested in a marriage ceremony, so my priest arranged a sanation. It’s hard not being able to go to Communion yet. I creid a lot, quietly…but please God all will work out soon for you.

Warm regards, Trishie

(It’s actually never as formal to belong to a parish in Australia. We remain fairly faithful to our parish, but we’re not obliged to register. We join as and when we choose. That actually makes the joining and returning to a parish easier.