Not so good with the aftermath

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lynnehelen

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My son is in jail for assaulting me for cutting off his cell phone line due to its playing a part in his drug addiction. As of this morning.

My question comes in several parts.

My husband, whom I have been trying to divorce, called, of course, and, as usual, put the entire stress and anxiety of the situation on me. His intent is usually to rape in some fashion. (Always was, worse since the head injury) He said he had talked to the lawyer who has represented Ian before, and that it “may” be up to me whether to press charges. The lawyer found out the time of the hearing, tomorrow morning, and Alex said he said I “may” get a call. Later, he said I “would” have to decide. Now I feel like someone is drawing a violin bow across my gutstrings with pain and confusion and anxiety and, of course, as usual, can’t sleep. And I have to be up and at 'em tomorrow. Or do I? My son smashed my cell phone and I did not get the message from my lawyer on my old standby phone until after hours so I have to wait till 8:30 to talk with him. He also handles criminal defense and would know. But by that time I will be exhausted. This is the kind of bind which my husband keeps me in.

Which brings me to the second part, should I file the restraining order against him too? I wrote one up while waiting to hear on the one against my son, who threatened to kill me. My son gets all this from his father, inherited and also through abuse and also through coaching.

My lawyer has been trying to get me to file against him for a long time but I have been too scared. Scared it woud only provoke him–he has no respect for the law and would disdain the provisions of an injunction if he decided he wanted to kill me. He has already tried to convince me to commit suicide and almost succeeded in killing me that way. I am a vulnerable adult with MH issues, a history of sexual abuse and physical damage incuding damage from past suicide attempts, the reason for my legal disability.

Which brings me to the last part. What is my place in all this? Alex rescued me from my parents home in PA when I was sick, only to hurt me, but I did get a son with him–the story twists and turns but the last question is that I don’t know whether I can ask him for money. I don’t know whether he is able to work, because of the head injury, although he continues to go out on contract. But he is having trouble getting paid. The head injury came through his own fault–falling down drunk at 4 am after being out with another woman while on a wild spending spree after coming into money after his parents’ death. I sustained him through all those years that he would have had nothing, only to be thrown off when his ship came in.

How do you untangle all these threads. How do I, I mean, in time to make the right choices as early as tomorrow at 8:30 am when I may be up all night and only got 3 hours last night?

If I file the injunction against Alex I can ask for support and a dissolution that way, instead of waiting on him to respond to my lawyer: the hearing isn’t until May. But I may get shortchanged as there may or may not be substantial assets remaining of ours and of his, which may also be mine through substantial commingling of assets. Living on credit cards. Feeling worthless and that nobody owes me anything, but how am I going to live? I get a very modest SSDI check.

🤷 🤷
 
I’m sorry that I don’t have real answers for you, and that you’ve had to live through such a dreadful situation. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
First and foremost, my prayers go out to you, as you are obviously suffering from some extreme stress brought on by this situation.

Do you have your own personal lawyer who is someone that looks out for your interests? I suspect you do if you got a retraining order drawn up. I would call your lawyer’s emergency number, as this is an emergency. Try to get him/her to guide you on your options. I would agree that it is way too difficult for anyone to make a rational decision on such little sleep.

Remember, you are beloved in the eyes of God. We’re not meant to understand Earthly suffering, but God sees and knows your pain.

Hugs!
 
I agree with the foregoing. I would certainly also check t see if there is a women’s shelter in your area. That is a more likely safe place for you. You would have some local support and assistance with legal issues. Please check around = your parish or local social service agency might give you a lead as to where these places are. Usually you call and they will come pick you up. Good luck and God Bless. You will be in my prayers today.
 
I will be praying for you at Mass this morning.

I can’t give you specific answers, but if you are fearing harm, do everything you can do to protect yourself.

God bless,
Bryan
 
lynnehelen said:
…Feeling worthless and that nobody owes me anything, but how am I going to live? I get a very modest SSDI check.
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Living off cards is **not **the answer.

I have had problems in the past, divorce and redundancy. And have relatives with much worse problems than me, having drugs, bereavement etc.

Life has its ups and downs. This is what I think works for me when going through a low.

Try to dwell on positive thoughts instead of negative ones. Count your blessings. Do not allow yourself to be defeated by lifes problems.

Remember we serve an awesome God, who loves us. We also live in relatively wealthy countries and our situations may not be as bad as others in the developing world.

Its important to be exposed to positive people. Which is one of the joys of going to church. Take care and God bless.
 
lynnehelen said:
My son is in jail for assaulting me for cutting off his cell phone line due to its playing a part in his drug addiction. As of this morning.

My question comes in several parts.

My husband, whom I have been trying to divorce, called, of course, and, as usual, put the entire stress and anxiety of the situation on me. His intent is usually to rape in some fashion. (Always was, worse since the head injury) He said he had talked to the lawyer who has represented Ian before, and that it “may” be up to me whether to press charges. The lawyer found out the time of the hearing, tomorrow morning, and Alex said he said I “may” get a call. Later, he said I “would” have to decide. Now I feel like someone is drawing a violin bow across my gutstrings with pain and confusion and anxiety and, of course, as usual, can’t sleep. And I have to be up and at 'em tomorrow. Or do I? My son smashed my cell phone and I did not get the message from my lawyer on my old standby phone until after hours so I have to wait till 8:30 to talk with him. He also handles criminal defense and would know. But by that time I will be exhausted. This is the kind of bind which my husband keeps me in.

Which brings me to the second part, should I file the restraining order against him too? I wrote one up while waiting to hear on the one against my son, who threatened to kill me. My son gets all this from his father, inherited and also through abuse and also through coaching.

My lawyer has been trying to get me to file against him for a long time but I have been too scared. Scared it woud only provoke him–he has no respect for the law and would disdain the provisions of an injunction if he decided he wanted to kill me. He has already tried to convince me to commit suicide and almost succeeded in killing me that way. I am a vulnerable adult with MH issues, a history of sexual abuse and physical damage incuding damage from past suicide attempts, the reason for my legal disability.

Which brings me to the last part. What is my place in all this? Alex rescued me from my parents home in PA when I was sick, only to hurt me, but I did get a son with him–the story twists and turns but the last question is that I don’t know whether I can ask him for money. I don’t know whether he is able to work, because of the head injury, although he continues to go out on contract. But he is having trouble getting paid. The head injury came through his own fault–falling down drunk at 4 am after being out with another woman while on a wild spending spree after coming into money after his parents’ death. I sustained him through all those years that he would have had nothing, only to be thrown off when his ship came in.

How do you untangle all these threads. How do I, I mean, in time to make the right choices as early as tomorrow at 8:30 am when I may be up all night and only got 3 hours last night?

If I file the injunction against Alex I can ask for support and a dissolution that way, instead of waiting on him to respond to my lawyer: the hearing isn’t until May. But I may get shortchanged as there may or may not be substantial assets remaining of ours and of his, which may also be mine through substantial commingling of assets. Living on credit cards. Feeling worthless and that nobody owes me anything, but how am I going to live? I get a very modest SSDI check.

🤷 🤷
Click to expand...
If you have family go and stay with them or go to a Women’s shelter, borrow, beg or buy a cheap phone. You may be able to get free legal representation/help if you cannot afford it.

Praying for you. May God comfort, protect and give you all the strength you need. God bless you.
 
lynnehelen said:
My son is in jail for assaulting me for cutting off his cell phone line due to its playing a part in his drug addiction. As of this morning.

My question comes in several parts.

My husband, whom I have been trying to divorce, called, of course, and, as usual, put the entire stress and anxiety of the situation on me. His intent is usually to rape in some fashion. (Always was, worse since the head injury) He said he had talked to the lawyer who has represented Ian before, and that it “may” be up to me whether to press charges. The lawyer found out the time of the hearing, tomorrow morning, and Alex said he said I “may” get a call. Later, he said I “would” have to decide. Now I feel like someone is drawing a violin bow across my gutstrings with pain and confusion and anxiety and, of course, as usual, can’t sleep. And I have to be up and at 'em tomorrow. Or do I? My son smashed my cell phone and I did not get the message from my lawyer on my old standby phone until after hours so I have to wait till 8:30 to talk with him. He also handles criminal defense and would know. But by that time I will be exhausted. This is the kind of bind which my husband keeps me in.

Which brings me to the second part, should I file the restraining order against him too? I wrote one up while waiting to hear on the one against my son, who threatened to kill me. My son gets all this from his father, inherited and also through abuse and also through coaching.

My lawyer has been trying to get me to file against him for a long time but I have been too scared. Scared it woud only provoke him–he has no respect for the law and would disdain the provisions of an injunction if he decided he wanted to kill me. He has already tried to convince me to commit suicide and almost succeeded in killing me that way. I am a vulnerable adult with MH issues, a history of sexual abuse and physical damage incuding damage from past suicide attempts, the reason for my legal disability.

Which brings me to the last part. What is my place in all this? Alex rescued me from my parents home in PA when I was sick, only to hurt me, but I did get a son with him–the story twists and turns but the last question is that I don’t know whether I can ask him for money. I don’t know whether he is able to work, because of the head injury, although he continues to go out on contract. But he is having trouble getting paid. The head injury came through his own fault–falling down drunk at 4 am after being out with another woman while on a wild spending spree after coming into money after his parents’ death. I sustained him through all those years that he would have had nothing, only to be thrown off when his ship came in.

How do you untangle all these threads. How do I, I mean, in time to make the right choices as early as tomorrow at 8:30 am when I may be up all night and only got 3 hours last night?

If I file the injunction against Alex I can ask for support and a dissolution that way, instead of waiting on him to respond to my lawyer: the hearing isn’t until May. But I may get shortchanged as there may or may not be substantial assets remaining of ours and of his, which may also be mine through substantial commingling of assets. Living on credit cards. Feeling worthless and that nobody owes me anything, but how am I going to live? I get a very modest SSDI check.

🤷 🤷
Click to expand...
Please see or speak to your pastor/Minister.
 
I PM’d 90Domer in the middle of the night as follows, but wanted to add it here:

Thank you! I did call my lawyer and you’re right, it was an emergency, my husband IS “playing me like a violin,” it is not up to me whether or not to press charges but up to the state. My lawyer said there will be a phone call but it is about whether I want contact or not, so I am trying to figure out what that means.

In the meantime, after posting I finally realized that for some reason I did need to call my mother, which I did at 3:30 am (she is a habitual insomniac). It turns out SHE called my DIVORCE LAWYER’s office today because I have been keeping her out of the loop. I let his name drop LAST FALL when I was in PA and she remembered it and found out his number and called him. Which solves the mystery about why the lawyer’s secretary called me today, it spooked me, I knew something was up.

My mother can be very disturbing. Now that, after 30 years, I have my physical and mental condition and my MH meds worked out, I understand her mind, the confusion and how it runs, and I could see her. She was concerned about my son, of course, and I do respect that they have a relationship of merit and her concern for him.

So I advised her a) you need to be taking medication. She was prescribed it when she was 24 and my father wouldn’t let her take it because “anti-psychotic” scared him. So she is an unmedicated MH case herself who has been handling MY MH case, hence the biggest portion of the nightmare. She impersonates me, talks behind my back. But I finally forgive her. She is just confused and I know it oh so well because–of course–for so many reasons it parallels mine. But she has been a really terrifying force in my life for a very long time so, b) I said to her you may call the courthouse or the jail to inquire about Ian and that I RESPECTED her concern for him. That was the last word I used. Respect. And, of course, c) please do NOT involve yourself between me and Alex and DO NOT call my DIVORCE LAWYER again. I am 50 years old. I just finished straightening out the nightmare that was created by my fearing she had gotten information about my new, excellent female PCP’s name from my insurance company, as it is the sort of thing she has done in the past and she and Alex were aware I had an appointment with a new doctor. Out of the hositlity that was created between me and the new doctor, by the grace of God, was created a bond. I explained that for 30 years I had had a psychiatrist for a PCP instead of a PCP for a PCP, and that I was terrified of my mother, and explained about her. “That’s all you had to say,” she said. She is a dear, sweet lady, and, again, by the grace of God, a Christian.

The relationship with the lawyers is a a little touch and go and I may have a mess to straighten out with them, both because of calling at 4 am and because of my mother calling, we are close to having a trusting relationship but not quite there yet, that is something that is very difficult for me but Kevin, my primary lawyer, is very good about being reassuring. It was Don who answered and we don’t hit it off quite as easily but I think he is a good guy. Lauren, the secretary, makes it all work, she is a sweetheart, and my mother may have presented some sort of fabrication for why she was calling, she probably didn’t know herself, and she may have scared Lauren.

End of the part of the PM that I am sharing. The point is, this situation is so complex and disturbring and has gone on for so long that I feel like a fragile and harmed creature charged with scaling a mountain where the slightest misstep could cause catastrophe. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t sleep.

I did just sleep for two hours only to be awoken by phone calls from my husband, whom I filed an injunction against at 8 am. When I went to do so it turned out I was supposed to be there for the hearing for my son at 10:30, only I was in tears with exhaustion and emotion, I’ve been so sick for so long. The Lord was with me: one of my two lawyers was in the courthouse at the time and was able to make an appearance for me. I asked for “No further contact” (that was the main issue) based on the fact that I realize I am just a facilitator for my son’s drug habit at this point and that he has to stay away from me to stay alive. I’m too weak to help him and his Dad’s not around.

But I just flubbed up upon awakening, panicked by phone call from husband, wanted to speak to him about Ian, called the courthouse first to get info but they said call lawyer and lawyer said emergencies only (lunchtime) and didn’t pick up so I called my husband. My mind advised me patience but I ignored it. Since I filed an injunction against him I’m not supposed to contact him. He had already heard and that’s what he was calling about. So now, lunchtime is over, and I can contact my lawyer, but I am fearful about this misstep, still exhausted, falling immediately into paranoid fears and prey to my worst tendencies like picking up a phone and calling a public #, (the Clerk of Court) thinking nothing bad will happen.

Son released on his own recognizance. No contact order. Talk to your lawyer. That’s all they would say. So why did they give me the number?

Need mercy.
 
part 2–entry too long

This is the part where the issue with my Dad comes in (the former AT&T high-tech bigwig with secretive sexual perversion that he successfully blocked my mother from revealing by preventing her relationship with a psychiatrist, and then easily did the same to me.) It would be a really big scandal in their world for my mother to accept the psych meds she needs and for my father’s efforts to cover and hide things up, and the cost to so many, like my whole little family, to be exposed. It is scary. But my mother really does need the meds, she doesn’t know what she wants and doesn’t understand anything about how to act and what to do and still just makes it up as she goes along, at the age of 70, leaving dead bodies in her wake.

Thank you, I read all of your prayers, this one just about brings me to the end of telling my sorry tale of woe, just need to find out if there will be a court date for my son or if the charges were dropped, and then see what gives. Going now to call lawyer. Thanks for being there. I could have ended up back in the psych ward/shutdown/shutup/back in the embrace of the devil scenario this morning.
 
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