Not sure how to handle people trying to "set me up"

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bayoubutterfly

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since I don’t have an annulment yet. I don’t want to be rude when someone wants me to meet a man they think would be good for me. I don’t mind meeting a man, but how do I let people know that I can’t be in a relationship right now. I would like to meet people to hang out with, male or female, just as a friendship ( I have NO social life lol), but I know most men want more than that most of the time. Just not sure what to do about it, this is new to me.
 
Going out as friends, and you have to be very clear about that, is OK. It is a slippery slope though, and if you don’t think that you can both keep a clear head and be very, very firm with men who are interested in more, then maybe you should stay away from even dating as friends. Honestly, since I have read your other posts, I would say maybe right now you do need a bit of a break from romantic pressures and some counseling to help you find your own voice. Then you will be confident about where you are at and won’t have to worry about what to tell other people.
 
I’d say something to the person trying to set you up. “Thanks, it’s so sweet of you to be looking out for me like this. But you know, I’m not ready to start dating again. I’m not looking to start a romantic relationship in the near future. What I need now is some more thoughtful friends like you, and more time to figure out what I want out of life before I start dating again. But when I’m ready, I’ll let you know, and if your friend is still free, I’d like to meet him.”

I had a similar experience the other day - except I’m getting engaged soon. An acquaintance (who knows I have a boyfriend) was trying to set me up with his friend. I said I had already found the love of my life and didn’t plan to throw that away, and the guy replied, “just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean someone else can’t score.” :mad: I said I wouldn’t go out with his friend, and then a few days later I got a text message on my cellphone from a guy I didn’t know inviting me to a movie. I didn’t reply. :mad: The nerve of some people.
 
Just_wondering said:
and the guy replied, “just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean someone else can’t score.”
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Wowl. You just reminded me of why I’m so happy to not be dating. I’d forgotten how crude people can be.
 
you know, I just got rid of all the crude friends in my life, well as best as I can anyway. I had to quit hanging around those types of people because I would just get a sick feeling just listening to them. Strange how I used to find them funny. This is why I have no social life anymore, but I don’t really miss them.
 
bayoubutterfly said:
you know, I just got rid of all the crude friends in my life, well as best as I can anyway. I had to quit hanging around those types of people because I would just get a sick feeling just listening to them. Strange how I used to find them funny. This is why I have no social life anymore, but I don’t really miss them.
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Yeah, I hear you. I’m in a similar position. This weekend is a long weekend in Korea, and my boyfriend is working Saturday and Sunday, and is going to visit me on Monday afternoon. I’ve got nothing to do until then, but I’m not going to go out with people who encourage sleeping around and hooking up with random strangers while my boyfriend is out of town. Yuck!

I actually bought myself a fake engagement ring - steel with a glass “diamond” on top. It was $5, and discourages unwanted attention.
 
bayoubutterfly said:
I have NO social life lol.

Mom to
Hayley, 9
Ethan, 7
Baby Angel Zachary
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With all due respect, maybe you could focus your social life around your kids and their friends and activities. That way you can have friends and be busy, without insinuating anything romantic.

I remember when I had a baby, I didn’t have a social life either, and I was married. That goes with being a parent.
 
ecp007 said:
With all due respect, maybe you could focus your social life around your kids and their friends and activities. That way you can have friends and be busy, without insinuating anything romantic.

I remember when I had a baby, I didn’t have a social life either, and I was married. That goes with being a parent.
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Good point. When my daughter was young, my friends were the parents of her friends. One in particular became a very close friend of mine.
 
Because as anyone will tell you, adults needs to spend time with other adults. I need time with other adults. I enjoy doing things that I can’t do with my children, either because of their age, or because they don’t enjoy it, and every parent knows what it’s like to bring your kids to some place they are bored at. I’m not talking about just male friends here, friends in general to spend time with. I need some good people in my life right now.
 
bayoubutterfly said:
Because as anyone will tell you, adults needs to spend time with other adults. I need time with other adults. I enjoy doing things that I can’t do with my children, either because of their age, or because they don’t enjoy it, and every parent knows what it’s like to bring your kids to some place they are bored at. I’m not talking about just male friends here, friends in general to spend time with. I need some good people in my life right now.
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Good for you, and I am glad that you realize this need. So many people will tell you that you need to completely give up your own needs for your kids. You need to take care of your own needs though, so that you can be there and be the best you possible mom for your kids. Yes, you do need a social life and friendships with other adults, both male and female, who share your values. These kinds of friendships should be the kind that do not pull you away from your role as a mother, but rather ones that give you value as your own independent person, which can give you the strength that you need as a single mom.
 
bayoubutterfly said:
Because as anyone will tell you, adults needs to spend time with other adults. I need time with other adults. I enjoy doing things that I can’t do with my children, either because of their age, or because they don’t enjoy it, and every parent knows what it’s like to bring your kids to some place they are bored at. I’m not talking about just male friends here, friends in general to spend time with. I need some good people in my life right now.
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Yeah, so what’s wrong with being friends with moms of your kids’ friends? You can go for coffee, or to an art museum, or arrange play dates at one mom’s house, while 2-3 other mom’s go out.

I’m just saying, mom’s probably won’t try to “set you up”, so you won’t have that problem, which is what your question was about.

I would just try to be sensitive to your kids’ needs at this time too. I knew a lot of kids whose parents got divorced, and they always felt really bad, and left out when both parents “had needs” that didn’t include them.
 
What Just wondering said seems good to me. You don’t need to comply, you don’t need to pretend you do, either. Also, if you have already told them that you aren’t ready or willing to date, you don’t need to put up with repeat attempts - then you can just politely but sternly refuse and cut the conversation at that point - no need to run into excuses and apologies, I think.
 
ecp007 said:
Yeah, so what’s wrong with being friends with moms of your kids’ friends? You can go for coffee, or to an art museum, or arrange play dates at one mom’s house, while 2-3 other mom’s go out.

I’m just saying, mom’s probably won’t try to “set you up”, so you won’t have that problem, which is what your question was about.

I would just try to be sensitive to your kids’ needs at this time too. I knew a lot of kids whose parents got divorced, and they always felt really bad, and left out when both parents “had needs” that didn’t include them.
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:clapping:

Do moms not count as “adults?”
 
if I had other “moms” to hang out with, I wouldn’t have this problem :rolleyes: Don’t judge since you have NO idea what my life is like. This post was about people trying to set me up with a man anyway… just stick to that topic please
 
Someone suggested you build a social life around your kids, finding friends that way. You said you need time with “adults” in rebuttal. There is so much scorn in this culture directed at women who choose mothering as a career that some of reacted badly to that distinction, which you made.

As to the original topic, why not just be honest? Tell them you are not free to date, as your marriage is being examined for possible nullity, but has to be regarded as valid until otherwise proven? Or, keep it simple, and just say you are not interested. You are not obligated to explain. If people persist after your refusal, they are the rude ones.
 
dulcissima said:
Good for you, and I am glad that you realize this need. So many people will tell you that you need to completely give up your own needs for your kids. You need to take care of your own needs though, so that you can be there and be the best you possible mom for your kids. Yes, you do need a social life and friendships with other adults, both male and female, who share your values. These kinds of friendships should be the kind that do not pull you away from your role as a mother, but rather ones that give you value as your own independent person, which can give you the strength that you need as a single mom.
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Thank you! I’m glad someone gets it! 🙂 I spend 6 days and nights a week with my kids and work during the day. I only have one night a week to myself to be able to do anything, hard to find people to do that with when that is the only time I’m available to do anything. Anyway, back on topic. I’ll just explain to people that I’m not ready to “date” but I would love a friend to go out with sometimes
 
all I meant was that my kids HAVE been my life for the last 9 years. I was a SAHM until a month ago. Now that I’m alone, I need to meet new people (adults) to spend time with. Before that my husband was the only person I spent time with really.
 
Bayoubutterfly,

I know that we both had marriages that were abusive ones. I had really lived a fairly isolated life as my ex did not like me having friends that I could go out with. One thing I have been doing is expanding my social network of people I can count on. That does inlude moms of the kids that are my kids’ friends, women from Bible study, and I do socialize with groups of people, men and women from work. While most of my nights are spent at home with my children focusing on their needs, it is nice to be able to get out with a variety of different people. I think it really helps make me a stronger person and a better mom.

This is a good time to take every thing slow and reflect on who you are, what your needs and those of your family are, and to learn to identify certain patterns in your life which had led you to marry the kind of a man that you did. You really want to undestand those patterns so that you do not keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
 
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