Not sure how to repair my relationship with my family

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kevlarkyogre

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I have been living back in my mum’s house with my sister since last September now (gap year from uni). I got a full time job, I’ve kept up studying in my own time and even taken up German. The only thing I’ve not managed to fix is my family relationships in the home (i.e. with my mother and sister). After some initial drama, things settled and I thought it was going fine.

Problems have started to arise where I’m really not sure why they have. Me and my family disagree on a lot of things, since they are non-religious. But I still don’t understand why this particular little thing can’t be resolved.

When we are having general discussions they present a piece of factual information. An example would be:
Mum: “Why does boiling water bubble?”
Sister: “Because the oxygen and hydrogen bonds break when it’s hot so the oxygen gas escapes out of the water as bubbles”.
Me:“I thought it was because when it gets hot the liquid water turns into water vapour, and when those changes happen within the liquid it is the water vapour that bubbles out?” Then my sister and mum groaned in annoyance and said a bit aggressively to me “You just always have to be right don’t you, you can’t handle that you might be wrong”
Me: “No I never said that, I’m just saying I thought it was more to do with…”
They cut me off saying “forget it, there is no point talking to you about it. You’ll just try to shut us down”. I felt offended that they thought that about me but I tried to let it go. I didn’t say anything for a while to calm down about it then I moved on.

Over the past few months more instances have been happening like that, whenever we go to see other family members too. My sister told me last year she is Buddhist, and she also said that as part of it she is going to give up alcohol and it is one of the requirements. I did some research into it after she said that and found that it was one of the precepts and then learned more about Buddhism in general. Obviously I’m not an expert, but I wanted to know more about it since I thought it at least fair to learn about my sister’s religion.

This Christmas I saw her drinking WKD and some wine. I said to her “I thought you weren’t going to drink alcohol because you are Buddhist now?” and she got very aggressive instantly and said “No I never said that, you don’t have to not drink Alcohol because you’re Buddhist” and I said “I thought it was one of the precepts though… I’m sure I read that to reach enlightenment…” and then she cut me off with “Well I would never have said that because if I did I would have been wrong. Why does everything always have to be your way?”. I tried to explain “It’s not about it being my way, I just wanted to get the facts straight” and then both her and my mum said “Why does everything have to be right all the time with you??” and I was very confused because I’m not sure why you wouldn’t want to say the right thing…

These types of things have been consistently happening with me whenever I interact with my family. They cut me off when I so much as suggest they might be wrong about something… If I look it up later and I realise I was wrong I always go apologize and say “It turns out you are right, sorry, it says here that this works…” so and so way. But then they just act disgusted with me and say “well I bet you’re gutted about that” and when I say “I’m really not, it’s interesting that it works that way” I get completely ignored…

These past few weeks my frustration got really high. Today just burst out in fury because I couldn’t take it anymore… It was some discussion about heart rate and when swimming and when running. My mum and sister argued that it would be faster when running because of the impact on your joints. I said I could see how that would be bad for your joints but I didn’t think that would cause your heart rate to increase much more since swimming is still very tiring. They said it is because swimming is gentle and that means your heart rate is lower but I also said that doesn’t really make much more sense. (They are right but for a different reason). My sister sighed and rolled her eyes, said to my mum, who was going to continue talking “don’t bother mum, you’ll never get through to her. She always has to be right.” and my mum said “Yeah you are right” and they just stopped talking to me! I just burst out “Why!! Why do you always say that? I don’t understand!”. My mum said “See, you are proving our point, you cant handle it if we don’t think you are right” I said “It’s nothing to do with me being right, I just want to have a discussion about something till we can learn more about it instead of making things up because we feel like it. I want to actually learn the truth about it.” They completely ignored what I said. my sister said “Jesus, just calm the f*** down!” and I said “I’m only angry because you never give me a chance!”. They kept saying “Urg see she is always like this, there is no point talking to her, she’ll just shut you down every time”. I said “How am I shutting you down? You are the one shutting me down by just cutting me out of the conversation”. They completely ignored this and started complaining about me like I wasn’t there. I stormed up to my room and slammed the door because I was angry… I have had time to calm down now. I feel really sad and so frustrated! Nobody will talk to me now because of this. They think my outburst has proved them right about me which makes me feel even more frustrated. I don’t understand what is going on or how I can rectify this… I don’t want them to think that way about me but I don’t even understand why they do in the first place. I don’t want to be silent whenever I think they are saying something wrong. I always thought that seeking the truth in all matters is the best thing, but when they react this way do you think that the best thing is for me to keep my mouth shut? What should I do?
 
I am sorry you are going through this; it sounds painful.

Having something of a reputation as a know-it-all in my own family, I have just learned to not contribute to those discussions. If I’m asked, I say something like, “Oh, I’m not really sure,” or, “I haven’t given it much thought,” and then just continue with what I’m doing. I might look it up later if curious, but I don’t address it with them. They’re always going to see everything through the “know-it-all” lens when it comes to me. A few family members have, in the past, deliberately set me up so they could tease me about it. That could very well be part of what’s going on here. So now I just don’t discuss those things with them. Conversation is less intellectually stimulating, but it’s more peaceful. I’d rather have the peace. I can’t control what they think about me.

As a general rule, people do not like to be told they are hypocritical or contradicting themselves. Since drinking alcohol is not immoral, I wouldn’t concern myself with whether or not it violates your sister’s (false) beliefs. I had a Jewish acquaintance in college who would get drunk and eat bacon cheeseburgers. You couldn’t even look at him if you saw him because he’d feel so guilty he’d drunkenly yell at you. But that was his business. I just made a mental note to not talk to him after midnight in the student union on weekends. 😉
 
Actually your sister is right about the boiling water. And you are also correct as the boiling water loses it’s molecules, it does vaporize into steam. What a silly thing to argue over and let it split family relationships. As far as the drinking; none of your business unless you have to carry her home or her health and life are in danger.

You have a smattering of knowledge and education, but that does not make you an expert. I suspect the same thing applies to your sister. Go back and study Chem. 101 for your own edification and not so you can prove your point. Study theology if you wish, but not so you can put someone’s choice of faith into a frying pan of scrambled eggs.
strive to make yourself a better person in your own faith and with a knowledge to serve others, not to show how right you are in all things. Despite our best intents or desires, not everything is black and white, I think I might call it coming to terms with life. Or free will.

I suspect you are fairly young yet and you are in for many surprises, enlightenments and the sometimes rocky road to maturity. Ah, to be young again and have my own opportunities for “do overs.” Doesn’t seem to work that way. The one thing you have and should cling to is your family Don’t let all the petty stuff get in the way of what is really important in life. Peace.
 
Sidenote – As a chemical engineering student, I’m pretty much dead certain that boiling water does not cause Hydrogen-Oxygen bonds to break (at least, not consistently; these sort of things are always going on, breaking and reforming, but the important things is the overall tendency). If it did, steam would be highly flammable and dangerous, because setting a match to it would reverse the process and cause the gas to burn (releasing energy as the oxygen and hydrogen recombine). In practice, Hydrogen and Oxygen are separated from water using Electrolysis. Steam is thus primarily water molecules (in theory, if you heated the steam up enough, the atoms *would *eventually come apart, but this is true for everything and it would have to be **immensely **hot to do so.)

As a know-it-all myself, I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer the OP’s questions, but I wish her best of luck in figuring it out. As a reminder, it is often very difficult to tell when we are being rude by acting as a know-it-all, so I would recommend that the OP think carefully about what she may have done to cultivate such a view to ensure she gets both sides of the story. I’m sorry this situation is so complicated and I hope you are able to figure it out!
 
OP, I had similar trouble in my family and my counselor asked me, “Is it really important that your family has the correct information?” In a couple rare instances it was (this was an issue with my sister and her husband). But then he told me to remember what Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.” That street runs both ways.
 
I have similar issues with my family.

I would always respond when my mom criticized me about something, because I wanted to explain my side of the story or the reasons I had for doing things a certain way. but I realized she didn’t care about that, she always I was arguing with her or making excuses, which wasn’t my intention. I wanted to simply explain the situation, but she doen’st see it that way, so I basically stopped

same with conversation, she always thinks I’m cutting her off, even if I think it’s a normal pause, basically there is no having a two way conversation. when I think she wants my opinion or advice, I tried to give it, but I relized she didn’t, she just wanted to rant

I don’t know why your mom and sister feel the way they do, maybe they are the ones afraid of being wrong.

I would just let it go, same as pensmama said, respond when you are asked, that’s what I do now too

most people don’t want to list to others or don’t like feeling like they are wrong
 
Mary_Estelle said:
Actually your sister is right about the boiling water. And you are also correct as the boiling water loses it’s molecules, it does vaporize into steam. What a silly thing to argue over and let it split family relationships. As far as the drinking; none of your business unless you have to carry her home or her health and life are in danger.

You have a smattering of knowledge and education, but that does not make you an expert. I suspect the same thing applies to your sister. Go back and study Chem. 101 for your own edification and not so you can prove your point. Study theology if you wish, but not so you can put someone’s choice of faith into a frying pan of scrambled eggs.
strive to make yourself a better person in your own faith and with a knowledge to serve others, not to show how right you are in all things. Despite our best intents or desires, not everything is black and white, I think I might call it coming to terms with life. Or free will.

I suspect you are fairly young yet and you are in for many surprises, enlightenments and the sometimes rocky road to maturity. Ah, to be young again and have my own opportunities for “do overs.” Doesn’t seem to work that way. The one thing you have and should cling to is your family Don’t let all the petty stuff get in the way of what is really important in life. Peace.
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But this is the exact misconception I’m trying to avoid, the point is not whether or not I was right. I know what you said it true I look it up myself later, it’s just why my family seem to think that this is what I am trying to do… I just want us to be able to discuss things and look stuff up properly but they seem to get angry with me about it… I also think it is silly to have this cause problems in the family.
 
It’s nice to know other people have this as well… I think it is best to stay out of it in the future :confused: I agree that it is better to have peace
 
kevlarkyogre said:
But this is the exact misconception I’m trying to avoid, the point is not whether or not I was right. I know what you said it true I look it up myself later, it’s just why my family seem to think that this is what I am trying to do… I just want us to be able to discuss things and look stuff up properly but they seem to get angry with me about it… I also think it is silly to have this cause problems in the family.
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I can relate and it is VERY important to me at work that everything I do is right. I was told something Friday that seemed wrong. I came home and looked it up on the internet. It seemed to me I was right and finally after 2 hours I found the exact government site that proved I was wrong. It just did not sit right with me to be told something by a person considered knowledgeable in the field to be wrong. Now Monday I can go to work at peace because not only do I know this person was right, I can understand why they are right.

However, my curiosity for the truth does not win me any friends. Other people just don’t care if things aren’t exact. The trick is to learn to live with these people and choose our battles.

My suspicion is these people just don’t want to spend the mental energy to get to the truth. Either they know they don’t have the intelligence or they are lazy mentally or they have more important issues to worry about or Lord knows why. But… asking them to get to the bottom of things is like asking them to do a horrifically strenuous, demanding and unpleasant task.

It has gotten to the point, I just mention the word ‘contract’ in front of one lady and I see the fear in her eyes, she is petrified I will want to get to the bottom of something.

These people ‘see us coming’ and are frankly fed up with having to think about things they don’t care to think of. It sounds like your mother and sister were just having a casual conversation about water boiling. And when you said ‘I though it was…’ all they could think was ‘great, now we need to beat this issue to the ground until we all know the scientific answer’. My suspicion is they did not have the assertiveness skills to say ‘Let’s not argue how about we talk about something else’ or they knew that if they tried to change the topic, you would not be gracious enough to let it go. So, their only option is to react.

Since you know it is NOT worth losing family over, perhaps respect that they do not have your curiosity and don’t push knowing the truth about things that don’t amount to a hill of beans.

At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. And part of being a good Catholic is respecting other people they way they are

Angie
 
Well, as FractalFire says the molecules are really not “lost,” but become something else as energy is never lost, but converted. It happens all the time in the physical world; we just don’t notice or unaware. I am not well versed in Chemistry as my College instructor was not well versed in teaching. While I floundered through, as did the rest of the class, I just don’t remember a lot othere than H20 is water and H202 is peroxide and a few other tidbits. So I will go with what Fractal:tFire says. peace.
 
kevlarkyogre said:
But this is the exact misconception I’m trying to avoid, the point is not whether or not I was right. I know what you said it true I look it up myself later, it’s just why my family seem to think that this is what I am trying to do… I just want us to be able to discuss things and look stuff up properly but they seem to get angry with me about it… I also think it is silly to have this cause problems in the family.
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Insecurity breeds all kinds of problems.
 
kevlarkyogre said:
But this is the exact misconception I’m trying to avoid, the point is not whether or not I was right. I know what you said it true I look it up myself later, it’s just why my family seem to think that this is what I am trying to do… I just want us to be able to discuss things and look stuff up properly but they seem to get angry with me about it… I also think it is silly to have this cause problems in the family.
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Unfortunately, the reality seems to be that you can’t have that, at least not with your family. 😦 So you have to do what you can to find peace.
 
It’s hard but some people just don’t care about the correctness of facts. I am a person who likes things to be accurate and so I get aggravated when I hear someone telling another inaccurate information. You just have to learn to live with it and not engage in those conversations - just let them talk.
 
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