Not sure if I should stay or leave

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Mrodrigues2

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Hello,

I’m not sure if this is where I should be posting this, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

My name is Michelle. I am 23 years old and have 2 children, a 3 year old from a previous relationship and a 1 1/2 year old with my current partner. My boyfriend/fiancé and I have been together 3 years tomorrow. We have talked a lot about marriage and how we were going to get through anything. I have been treating this relationship as a marriage, mainly because of the kids. I’ve always felt like I needed to make this work. God’s love for us is perfect, I can’t expect any man to love me like that. We are all imperfect and can only love imperfectly.

My fiancé has had a somewhat troubled past. He has a felony DUI that makes it hard for him to find work. He still struggles with his drinking. It was MUCH worse when I met him. I feel like he wants to be here with our family and has tried to change his ways, but I still don’t trust him when he says he hasn’t been drinking. He’s 27 and isn’t working right now. BUT, he’s a wonderful father and stepfather. When he is sober, he is so caring and supportive.

I do not drink, smoke or use drugs. I am almost done with my associates degree and am taking my RCIA classes this year. He encourages me, and I’ve tried to encourage him to lead a good life as an example to our children. Tonight though, we got in a fight. I was gone for a few hours and when I came back he was slurring his words but told me over and over he had not been drinking. I ignored him. First he tried to be loving toward me but when I ignored him he got angry and started verbally attacking me. I’m a bad mom, I love one child more than the other, I don’t do as much as he does. I went and looked and sure enough found a bottle of vodka almost gone. Then he tried apologizing but I told him to leave me alone. This has happened more times than I can count and the last time I told him if I found him hiding his drinking again I was going to leave him.

I know marriage is supposed to be forever. And I know that as a Catholic I shouldn’t even be living with him, let alone have a family. But here I am. Do I continue treating our relationship as a marriage and try to work through these issues? Or do I move on?

Like I said, this may not be appropriate for this forum or even this site. But I’ve been a SAHM and an online student, and don’t have many people to reach out to.
 
Mrodrigues2 said:
Hello,

I’m not sure if this is where I should be posting this, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

My name is Michelle. I am 23 years old and have 2 children, a 3 year old from a previous relationship and a 1 1/2 year old with my current partner. My boyfriend/fiancé and I have been together 3 years tomorrow. We have talked a lot about marriage and how we were going to get through anything. I have been treating this relationship as a marriage, mainly because of the kids. I’ve always felt like I needed to make this work. God’s love for us is perfect, I can’t expect any man to love me like that. We are all imperfect and can only love imperfectly.

My fiancé has had a somewhat troubled past. He has a felony DUI that makes it hard for him to find work. He still struggles with his drinking. It was MUCH worse when I met him. I feel like he wants to be here with our family and has tried to change his ways, but I still don’t trust him when he says he hasn’t been drinking. He’s 27 and isn’t working right now. BUT, he’s a wonderful father and stepfather. When he is sober, he is so caring and supportive.

I do not drink, smoke or use drugs. I am almost done with my associates degree and am taking my RCIA classes this year. He encourages me, and I’ve tried to encourage him to lead a good life as an example to our children. Tonight though, we got in a fight. I was gone for a few hours and when I came back he was slurring his words but told me over and over he had not been drinking. I ignored him. First he tried to be loving toward me but when I ignored him he got angry and started verbally attacking me. I’m a bad mom, I love one child more than the other, I don’t do as much as he does. I went and looked and sure enough found a bottle of vodka almost gone. Then he tried apologizing but I told him to leave me alone. This has happened more times than I can count and the last time I told him if I found him hiding his drinking again I was going to leave him.

I know marriage is supposed to be forever. And I know that as a Catholic I shouldn’t even be living with him, let alone have a family. But here I am. Do I continue treating our relationship as a marriage and try to work through these issues? Or do I move on?

Like I said, this may not be appropriate for this forum or even this site. But I’ve been a SAHM and an online student, and don’t have many people to reach out to.
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I’m very sorry for your predicament Michelle and will pray for you and your family.

I am not one who should give out marital/relationship advice, but you asked. Take my response with a grain of salt.

My first suggestion is to go to confession and ask your fiance to do so as well. Then you should talk with a priest, hopefully together.

You should know that you need to be in right relationship with God first, but also with your fiance (hint: marriage in the Church).

I am sure that others will be charitable and offer good advice. Pray and ask for God’s love and direction!
 
Mrodrigues2 said:
Hello,

I’m not sure if this is where I should be posting this, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

My name is Michelle. I am 23 years old and have 2 children, a 3 year old from a previous relationship and a 1 1/2 year old with my current partner. My boyfriend/fiancé and I have been together 3 years tomorrow. We have talked a lot about marriage and how we were going to get through anything. I have been treating this relationship as a marriage, mainly because of the kids. I’ve always felt like I needed to make this work. God’s love for us is perfect, I can’t expect any man to love me like that. We are all imperfect and can only love imperfectly.

My fiancé has had a somewhat troubled past. He has a felony DUI that makes it hard for him to find work. He still struggles with his drinking. It was MUCH worse when I met him. I feel like he wants to be here with our family and has tried to change his ways, but I still don’t trust him when he says he hasn’t been drinking. He’s 27 and isn’t working right now. BUT, he’s a wonderful father and stepfather. When he is sober, he is so caring and supportive.

I do not drink, smoke or use drugs. I am almost done with my associates degree and am taking my RCIA classes this year. He encourages me, and I’ve tried to encourage him to lead a good life as an example to our children. Tonight though, we got in a fight. I was gone for a few hours and when I came back he was slurring his words but told me over and over he had not been drinking. I ignored him. First he tried to be loving toward me but when I ignored him he got angry and started verbally attacking me. I’m a bad mom, I love one child more than the other, I don’t do as much as he does. I went and looked and sure enough found a bottle of vodka almost gone. Then he tried apologizing but I told him to leave me alone. This has happened more times than I can count and the last time I told him if I found him hiding his drinking again I was going to leave him.

I know marriage is supposed to be forever. And I know that as a Catholic I shouldn’t even be living with him, let alone have a family. But here I am. Do I continue treating our relationship as a marriage and try to work through these issues? Or do I move on?

Like I said, this may not be appropriate for this forum or even this site. But I’ve been a SAHM and an online student, and don’t have many people to reach out to.
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Can you get to see a counselor on an individual basis, preferably a Catholic counselor? Well, you have a lot of issues to work through. If you have health insurance, it might cover at least a few visits.

Secondly, would you consider getting some support through, say, Alanon, which is for people who are dealing with someone who has a drinking problem?

Number one, it doesn’t sound like there was ever any kind of marriage vows, right? So, you don’t have to worry about that. You are not in a valid marriage to begin with, though you may have treated it as such.

You are really not supposed to be in an intimate relationship with anyone except your husband, one you are married to in some kind of marriage ceremony which is acknowledged by the Catholic Church.

As far as I know, you are free to leave that relationship. However, realize for next time that this is the reason why we are to be very selective with who we choose to marry. Secondly, we are really not to be intimate with anyone outside of marriage. It’s fornication, and that’s in direct violation of the commandments, Catechism of the Catholic Church, and God’s will.

You would either need to leave this relationship, marry him, or possibly live together as brother and sister. Though, that’s easy to fall back into sin with the last option.

As to marriage counseling, a lot of counselors won’t even attempt marriage counseling if one person has an alcohol problem at least until the one with the problem is willing to admit he has a problem and be in treatment.

He needs to be in Alcoholics Anonymous, but most people with drinking problems start off in denial that they even have a problem! Usually, they have to hit rock bottom before they figure it out, and some don’t “come around” even then!

Alcoholism is said to be a progressive condition that will only worsen the more time it is allowed to continue. So, I wouldn’t expect this to improve, unless he would go to AA and really work on his life.

Again, get some help, Alanon and counseling if you can and go from there, but yes, in your particular case, you can, and probably should, leave.
 
You should speak with a priest who will be able to give you guidance and direction on your situation. It sounds like you are both in need of help. I’m praying for both of you and your children. God bless.
 
If he is an alcoholic and still drinking, I doubt the Church would perform a wedding for you until he gets sober and remains that way for awhile. If he is still drinking after 3 years with you and trying to hide it or lie about it, I doubt he’s going to stop anytime soon. Leaving may shock him into going to AA and getting sober and staying that way in order to have a marriage with you.

I’m sorry, but it looks like you made a bad choice in living with a man, having another child, and choosing an alcoholic or at least a habitual drinker as a partner.

I think you need to talk very seriously with your Priest about this. As long as you are living with him without marriage, you are in sin, and I regret that for you. I know a lot of young people do so now, but it is still wrong. If the whole world was doing it, it would still be wrong. That’s why Christ attended a wedding – to demonstrate that this is correct and the way God wants people to live. Marriage first, babies after. Doesn’t always happen that way, and never has. Still doesn’t make it right.

Go talk to your Priest and then decide what to do. In the meantime I will pray for you and your two precious children.
 
You are *not *married. Do not treat this relationship as a marriage because it is not marriage.

Your boyfriend is not behaving well. There have to be bad consequences for misbehaving or we don’t learn, right? Is he working? No? Is he drinking? Yes.

It is good of you to want to keep your baby’s father in your baby’s life, but the thing is, you are making it very easy for him. He gets a relationship, to be with his child, to live inside somewhere without working… and, really, he gets to drink.

So, do you want to marry him? Do you want to marry someone who does not work much? Do you want to marry someone who drinks too much? Do you want to marry someone who lies to you?

If he is saying this sort of awful stuff to you now, do you want to hear him saying it to your children when they annoy him?

Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, but he has not actually made any promises to you. Nor you to him.

I would talk this over very seriously with the priest where you are taking RCIA, or someone they recommend, because this does not seem like a good situation for younor for your children. Maybe he will start pulling himself together, but don’t marry him on the basis that he might! Remember that we marry the person who *is, *not who might be.
 
I would like to share my story with you. I grew up in a house that did not have God in the equation. I had a parent that was alcoholic and also other addictions, and myself, as an adult now, in the Church, I am so very sad at what I thought was ‘normal’. Addictions bring such a darkness into a family that when you are in it, you don’t know how bright the light is.

Now I am married to a Catholic man. Try to imagine how very different your life could be as a Catholic, married to a Catholic. We both understand that being in a state of grace, we are plugged in to the power of God. When hard times come, as they do to everyone, I had a husband who could pray, and he currently prays one, two or three rosaries a day, on his daily commute to work. We have seen the power of God come into our circumstances in marvelous ways. It’s living in God’s light. I don’t know how else to describe it, life holds so much promise when you walk with God. It is indeed the difference of darkness and light, as scripture says.

This is what I wish for you and your precious children.

Your man is not in a position, because of his addictions, to be a good father or good husband. He needs help, and he needs his own resolution to seek help and look to God for strength. You cannot give that to him. And by living with him, you are participating in keeping him in sin as well. I wish so much more for both of you today, and that your children have the benefit of having God in their todays. Continue to pray, and ask God to guide and help you. Ask our Blessed Mother to pray for you. God bless and keep you today.
 
The advice I am going to give you is something I would tell a sister in Christ regardless if she was married or in your case in a common law marriage.

If this guy began to verbally attack you, then get out. Abuse begins slowly and it is only time when he will be begin to beat you or worse. Alcohol changes a person and in many cases it makes them act as first class jerks. It doesn’t matter if he is a great father when he is sober. It is what he does when he is drunk that counts. In this case, he is abusive which brings up major red flags.

Furthermore, by living common law, it will be easier to break up. You won’t have to go through the hassles of going through a divorce which is something I believe is necessary in cases such as these. The fact he isn’t working is a major concern because what is going to happen once you graduate from school? If you aren’t careful, you will become the main breadwinner and he will use your salary on his habit. You have two children to support, the last thing you need is all of your money going to support his drinking habit. Once you have broken up, you can always nail him for child support and allow the children to see their father on the condition he is sober. My friend did this and it works. The children don’t see their father often because he is always drunk but at least they are safe. A day doesn’t go by when my friend looks back and knows she did the right thing.

Maybe the break up will open his eyes and cause him to change and maybe not. All guys are different. If you decide to follow my advice, be careful of this guy and be aware of fruitless promises. Some guys will promise to get help and never do. These children need to be protected from this ****.
It is important to realize that in many cases, regardless of the help you offer some aloholics, some guys will never change. Good mothers are those who put their children’s welfare above all else. You need to be with someone who will love your children unconditionally and who will treat you properly.

Talking with your priest could be a good idea. It depends on the priest. Some are very liberal and will tell you to break up with him and others won’t because they don’t understand the impact alcoholism has on children.

I think it takes great guts to come onto this forum and ask us advice towards your problem. You will receive different responses which may conflict with each other. That said, you need to ask yourself: what is the best way to protect your children? Only you knows the answer.

Please know that we are here and we are praying for you. If you have questions regarding how my friend got out of that relationship, please message me. I’ll try to help you in anyway I can.

SG
 
I would join al-anon asap. Don’t let this disease wipe you out like it did me. I am not saying to leave, but an alcoholic relative has nearly destroyed my life. I don’t know if I will ever recover financially and health wise, and I am not the one doing the drinking.

One good thing it did do was bring me much closer to the church. I think if you follow through and join alanon, if you make boundaries and keep them, you have a chance. If you cant do these things, it might be better to consider leaving.

May God bless and watch over you.
 
esieffe said:
I would join al-anon asap. Don’t let this disease wipe you out like it did me. I am not saying to leave, but an alcoholic relative has nearly destroyed my life. I don’t know if I will ever recover financially and health wise, and I am not the one doing the drinking.

One good thing it did do was bring me much closer to the church. I think if you follow through and **join alanon, if you make boundaries **and keep them, you have a chance. If you cant do these things, it might be better to consider leaving.

May God bless and watch over you.
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Yes. 👍

al-anon.alateen.org/

A counselor could help you decide. They can be quite good, objective and also know community resources, other alternatives.
 
I agree that joining an anon support group will help but you also need to get out of that house before the situation worsens. Violent outrages caused by alcohol will only get worse over time until he decides to quite drinking and seeks help for his problem.
 
Get a lawyer to protect you and the children’s rights and leave this guy right away. He is an abusive alcoholic and will never be a husband to you or a provider for the family. You cannot change or save him.
 
You aren’t married. This man is not marriage material. Period. He may be a nice guy when he’s sober, but look at the bigger picture.
  1. He’s unemployed and virtually unemployable so he will not be a financial help to you in supporting the household.
  2. Having a FELONY drunk driving on his record wasn’t enough to get him to stay sober.
  3. He lies to you about drinking and being drunk and seems to at least be verbally abusive when drinking if he doesn’t get his way
  4. If you were to marry him and he committed another drunk driving offence the courts can literally confiscate his portion of marital assets including the home you and your children live in, bank accounts can be garnished, etc. etc. Not to mention you could be sued if he were to harm someone in a drunk driving related accident.
  5. He’s a poor example for the children and this will become much more apparent as the kids get older. They realize much more than parents would like to admit even at young ages.
If it were me I would throw this man out, stay celibate until I found a man that was actually marriage material and was married to him, and concentrate on my children and my education/employment.

All this man can do is drag you and those babies down. Trust me, I was married to a very similar man and it ended in divorce. It took me years to straighten out my life and clean up the mess I allowed him to cause by marrying him in the first place. I am now married to a good man. My whole life and the lives of my children (2 from the disaster marriage and one from my current marriage) is so much different than it was in so many good ways.
 
MJJean said:
You aren’t married. This man is not marriage material. Period. He may be a nice guy when he’s sober, but look at the bigger picture.
  1. He’s unemployed and virtually unemployable so he will not be a financial help to you in supporting the household.
  2. Having a FELONY drunk driving on his record wasn’t enough to get him to stay sober.
  3. He lies to you about drinking and being drunk and seems to at least be verbally abusive when drinking if he doesn’t get his way
  4. If you were to marry him and he committed another drunk driving offence the courts can literally confiscate his portion of marital assets including the home you and your children live in, bank accounts can be garnished, etc. etc. Not to mention you could be sued if he were to harm someone in a drunk driving related accident.
  5. He’s a poor example for the children and this will become much more apparent as the kids get older. They realize much more than parents would like to admit even at young ages.
If it were me I would throw this man out, stay celibate until I found a man that was actually marriage material and was married to him, and concentrate on my children and my education/employment.

All this man can do is drag you and those babies down. Trust me, I was married to a very similar man and it ended in divorce. It took me years to straighten out my life and clean up the mess I allowed him to cause by marrying him in the first place. I am now married to a good man. My whole life and the lives of my children (2 from the disaster marriage and one from my current marriage) is so much different than it was in so many good ways.
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👍👍
 
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