Not sure I'm looking for the right virtues in a woman

[DL82]

I posted in a recent post that I was unsure whether to continue a relationship because I didn’t feel the ‘spark’ for this woman. I’m happy to report that things are slowly changing and we are growing closer to one another.

I’ve realised what it is that gives me that ‘spark’ though, and it’s not quite as shallow and physical as I had first thought. I find myself attracted to women who have some ;fight’ in them, who are not afraid to stand up to people, especially to stand up to me, and who have overcome adversity in their lives.

Are these the wrong virtues to be looking for in a Catholic woman? I’m not sure why, but these have always ended up with me being attracted to women who are atheists, socialists or at the very least question the teachings of the Church, and a few times led to me being attracted to women who, shall we say, I’m not their type

To put it another way, these don’t seem to be the values of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I have the opportunity to be with someone whose meekness, selfless sacrifice for her family and steadfastness of faith make her such a wonderful person, but for some stupid reason I keep wanting that ‘fight’.

Or to put it still another way, is my choice of values in a woman just ‘different’, or is it disordered, like someone who is drawn to an abusive partner?

 

[FightingFat]

I like intelligent, powerful women too. I’ve been married for 13 years and could never have had a relatonship with someone I didn’t consider my intellectual equal- or even superior! I don’t like to fight though, if that’s what you mean. As far as the perfect partner, I love this quote from Captain Correlli’s Mandolin (ever read it?)

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

 

[Magicsilence]

I like intelligent, powerful women too. I’ve been married for 13 years and could never have had a relatonship with someone I didn’t consider my intellectual equal- or even superior! I don’t like to fight though, if that’s what you mean. As far as the perfect partner, I love this quote from Captain Correlli’s Mandolin (ever read it?)

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

WOW!

That quote is beautiful.

DL82,

I think what you have said is pretty normal. You just want someone with a personality who is not afraid to show it.

But, having someone that stands up to YOU, may well be a problem later on in the relationship, I would think.

Apart from that, looking for someone who is strong-willed doesn’t seem wrong to me, so long as they don’t reject the Church or her teachings

 

[FightingFat]

I would emphasise that in my opinion, marrying a Catholic is a huge advantage. You are starting from the same position- you ave the same ideas about being married, what it should be and where you want to go. It is a great help and offers much greater chance of true happiness IMO!

 

[Trishie]

Mary was strong, Love.

Unmarried Mary accepted the request to conceive her Child in a culture where he fiance was forced to torture his mind as to how he could protect her…the child wanst his…or she could have been stoned to death.

Pregnant, she travel to give assistance to her cousin in the hill country.

Nine moths pregnant, journeying on the back of a donkey over stony roads.

Baby born away from relatives and friends, in an animal shelter.

Baby threatened with death. Escape as refugees to Egypt. Life as refugees with it’s uncertainties and fears.

Standing by seeing her son sticking his neck out and alienating authorities, but knowing He’s doing the right thing.

Courage to STAND UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING as her brutalized Son dies horribly before her eyes.

A strong woman…yes!

 

[DL82]

WOW!

That quote is beautiful.

DL82,

I think what you have said is pretty normal. You just want someone with a personality who is not afraid to show it.

But, having someone that stands up to YOU, may well be a problem later on in the relationship, I would think.

Apart from that, looking for someone who is strong-willed doesn’t seem wrong to me, so long as they don’t reject the Church or her teachings

Thanks to both of you for your posts. I’m not sure it’s fair to say I’m just looking for someone with ‘a personality’, that’s unfair to the woman I’m in a relationship with, she has opinions and strength and a personality. It’s just the personality type that seems to attract me is fierier, not afraid to go out and get what she wants even in the face of difficulties.

Are these the wrong values to be attracted to? I know in my own life I am trying to fight against temptations to insist on my own way, trying to become calmer, humbler, quieter and more resigned to accepting the will of God in my life. Is it two-faced to be fighting against these tendencies in my own life but want them in someone else?

 

[Danuska]

If you look at Mary, she at one point said Yes to God although that meant that in the eyes of the poeple she would become a sinner probably - getting pregnant before she started living with her husband?
And look at Cana, after being almost told that it is not your business that those people didn’t prepare enough wine as they should, she very stronly says - Do what Jesus tells you to do, having that enormous confidence that Jesus would do the miracle, although he has not done any so far.

Or look at some other women in the Bible, at Mary Magdalena, they say that in those times it was not really done to hang around like she did around Jesus. Or read about Judith. Or read about some of the Saints, about Theresa of Avila for example, or Catharine of Sienna - who went to the Pope and told him what to do.

I think that you are for some reason attracted to strong women, and I do not see anything wrong really. Look rather in the heart. I know poeple, they can seem meek and humble, but at the same time they can be manupilative and double-faced. I just think that you are oversimplifying the issue.

 

[duskyjewel]

Thank you, Danuska. I was just about to say, “How is strength NOT one of the virtues of Mary?!” She took the risk of being stoned to death by saying yes to mothering Christ. She stood up to God’s son and told him to do what she asked. She watched her son give up his life in the most horrible suffering, and didn’t run away but stood there at the foot of the Cross, supporting Him and His choice! She helped and supported the Apostles in starting the early Church…

My husband’s version of your sentiment, DL82, is, “Stupid women are boring.” He usually says this when I am apologizing for being overly difficult.

 

[whatevergirl]

I posted in a recent post that I was unsure whether to continue a relationship because I didn’t feel the ‘spark’ for this woman. I’m happy to report that things are slowly changing and we are growing closer to one another.

I’ve realised what it is that gives me that ‘spark’ though, and it’s not quite as shallow and physical as I had first thought. I find myself attracted to women who have some ;fight’ in them, who are not afraid to stand up to people, especially to stand up to me, and who have overcome adversity in their lives.

Are these the wrong virtues to be looking for in a Catholic woman? I’m not sure why, but these have always ended up with me being attracted to women who are atheists, socialists or at the very least question the teachings of the Church, and a few times led to me being attracted to women who, shall we say, I’m not their type

To put it another way, these don’t seem to be the values of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I have the opportunity to be with someone whose meekness, selfless sacrifice for her family and steadfastness of faith make her such a wonderful person, but for some stupid reason I keep wanting that ‘fight’.

Or to put it still another way, is my choice of values in a woman just ‘different’, or is it disordered, like someone who is drawn to an abusive partner?

Nothing wrong with liking a fiesty type woman. My dh married me for much the same reason, but be careful…what you like now, might come back to bite you if you marry her haha! My husband always says this. Be careful what you wish for.

But in all seriousness, Virgin Mary, was very much a fighter. She might hvae internalized a lot of it, and wasn’t as outspoken as others, but she was no doubt a strong, fighter inside. She followed God no matter the consequences…no matter what others thought of her. She was selfless and meek in ways, that we all should be selfless and meek in. Meek in not being arrogant, etc…she wasn’t meek in her steadfast holiness.

Good luck with this woman you are dating. I hope it goes somewhere positive for you both.